So /adv, my life is at a huge turning point. 32, always thought

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So /adv, my life is at a huge turning point. 32, always thought i would have done a lot with my life, launched and failed numerous projects and i’ve done some real cool stuff but I always stopped after the first, or the second, or the third difficulties.

Long story short, I’ve always tried to keep myself busy but i think I’ve never really learned to live by myself, despite the endless experiences done, I always lived in relation to what the others would have thought of myself, feeling like shit when it didn’t match my own expectations to the point of fucking things up for that guilt. This endless feeling of guilt occasionally would have turned me into depression but i always managed to pull myself up from it.

Few years ago a parent died and for some reason my own way of dealing with my own bullshit got much worse and lately depression phases got much worse. I started years ago to go into therapy, which gave me more understanding of my own issues but didn’t really help, I keep falling hard everytime i pick myself up. 4 years ago i found a great girl, we bought a house together, made plans for the future but eventually she dumped for yet another depression phase. Can’t blame her.

Now, I understand that i need to change something profound about myself but everytime i fall I risk more, thoughts of suicide get more serious and depression phases become more self-harmful. At the moment I am once again in between jobs but the idea of starting a new experience freaks me out as I really am afraid that I will drop out and disappoint myself and everyone else once again.

I’m thinking to maybe find a place to literally rebuilt myself, even the military, to destroy and re-teach myself how to be into the world. I even thought of the foreign legion, or some sort of rehab centre somewhere in the world, or a fucking monastery. I feel I need rules, structure and impositions for a long time to built myself up.

Does this make any sense?