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General life advice, stuck on many topics

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1/?

Where to begin...introductions are in order. 19 y/o anon here, nearing my 20th. Probably 7/10, brown eyes and hair, pale af skin, nothing special. Born in Hungary and moved to the Netherlands when I was 10, been living there ever since, with the occasional 2-week visit to my dad. Parents divorced since my 3rd, mom being an arrogant gold digger with anger management issues and paranoia, used to be a good housewife but now doesn't really do anything around the house. Dad became an alcoholic after the break-up, sobered up after a few years, mom practically indoctrinated me to hate dad and told bs stories, but once I got to know my dad after we moved, he turned out to be a really nice guy. Talked a lot, agreed on a lot, heard the other sides of mom's stories, and as it turns out she was mostly in the wrong. Fast forward to 2 years ago, failed the same year twice at that point, so I got kicked out of that school. Had been fighting with mom for years at that point, hits were being thrown, up until the point that I once caught her hand and said enough.
One of the nights the hits were burning my face off and no amount of ice, cold water or painkillers would help, so after some googling I found out that open wounds redirect the brain's pain priority. Cutting worked, it worked after on the very, very bad days, did it for a year or so, with 2 suicide attempts in between with 2 very long and deep vertical cuts. Shit failed, I quit doing it after meeting my gf. She's 1 year younger, has mild to mediocore autism, not really noticeable but I can get annoyed easily so it resulted in some fights as the relationship went on.
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2/?

Fast forward a bit more to current day, doing an IT admin course, about to have my 2nd year exams, I'm nervous but will probably pull through. Been threatened by mom to be thrown out of the house if I fail this year. School is weird and lackluster, have to do most of the studying ourselves, teachers are either absent or not helping.

Relationship: 1.5 years into it now, but I've never been actually happy about it, not even when it all started. I know she really loves me, but I had trouble actually noticing it, has to do something with the way we show our affection to the other. I open doors for her, take her jacket, remember everything she says down the smallest detail, buy her jewelry, get her her favorite snacks any time we see each other, pay in the stores, get her flowers, Steam games, chocolate when she's on her period, support her in literally every way you can imagine. Prioritize her in every point of life, and she's well aware of that, I always stand ready for her. I spoil her in the bedroom as well, without any of this being asked of me at any point. I just do it because it feels natural to me. It's the way I am, but I've been dealing with not getting anything back for 1.5 years and I'm really just getting sick of it. We've had many talks, some fights and even a break-up about this, I could count on one hand when she actually got me something without the forced "occasion" feel behind it, like my birthday or Christmas. At those points she just literally asked what I wanted.
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3/?

It's the first relationship for the both of us, but I don't really feel that good next to her. There were times when I did, but those didn't last long. There are moments when I like waking up next to her, or seeing her face as I close my eyes to sleep, and I can get really affectionate. But it feels like I'm just doing and faking this all for nothing. In the bedroom, she practically doesn't do anything, except initiating sometimes, and then basically lying on the bed and enjoying everything. It's about as fun as having sex with a doll. She says she's "not ready to do anything", but she's okay with sex. Other than that, she just won't do anything.
I've always been loyal, never winked left or right, but lately I've just been feeling bad about it all, up to the point where I just don't care anymore. I still really pull towards other girls, but not because of the relationship part, mostly simply because I'd like good sex. I'm nearing the end of my teens and have yet to experience a wild night or anything. I don't drink, mostly because of a childhood trauma, and don't really go out because I hate big crowds and drinking people. I have a social life though, female contacts as well, some of them sometimes making a subtle hint. I am and have always been loyal, but lately I just feel like it's not worth it for what I get out of this relationship. It's nice to have, but idk if keeping it is really worth it. Then again, I don't want to break her heart, and in turn, mine. We had a break-up a few weeks ago, came back together after having cried a lot on both ends, mostly mine.
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4/4

Mental situation: Feel like I'm having some kind of split personality issue. I can be really quick to anger, can switch from a good to a really salty and aggressive mood within one minute, sometimes for the least serious reasons, take banter as personal offense. Been to a psychologist with this, didn't end up at anything reasonable, I got my next intake appointment at a more serious institution in 2 months. I've tried some ways to calm myself, but I just cannot seem to stay relaxed or take things lightly.

Any anons that know what I could or should do? I just don't know what to do about the girls subject, and my mental health as well, I need a way to calm down or somehow find peace in my life.

Also, have some of OP's edgy art.

If you guys need any other info like hobbies, habits or anything, feel free to ask, got no secrets. I'd really appreciate any help.
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hold onto, serve, and seek love. you cannot fail
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>>18438101
Hold onto what? I can keep clinging onto this, but I feel like it's a waste of energy. I seek love but somehow have trouble finding it.
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Hey there friendo.
I'm in a pretty much opposite situation to yourself, got a gf that loves to do things for me in the bedroom and initiates e v e r y t h i n g to the point where I wish she'd stop. I'm also too damn laid back.

Wild nights are overrated. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have one. The idea of the grass being greener on the other side holds true almost everywhere but by all means while you're young go eat that fucking grass. If alcohol ain't your thing to experiment with weed or something friendo I've never really gotten the T total thing unless you recognise you've got an addictive (weak) personality.

As for your gf I'd properly confront her and if not end it, at your age relationships should either be: serious enough that you're both considering taking it all the way, or fun. It doesn't sound like it's either of those so get out but be kind.
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