Nagging/Condescending GF

do you want to move on or do you want to diffuse it?

gun to your head, do you want to fix this?

let her know she's doing it, let her know it bothers you, ask her to knock it off

>>18432825
This is kinda happening with me right now, but gender roles reversed. My bf is actually really naggy. Seriously, naggy like the stereotypical female would be. He's always been the more alpha, but not like this. I'm nagged on the daily about driving, my house, my money, my mannerisms etc. It's typically really passive-aggressive. And usually a "You ALWAYS do this and you ALWAYS do that."

I, too, have gotten resentful. I personally feel attacked and kind of unloved or like it's slipping away.

It's been ongoing for about 6 months and we have been together for several years. Sometimes I wonder if this is the mark of the end.

I've been putting reflection into it. And I've been thinking to try somethings I've come up with:

1. Don't show frustration back
2. Reason the nag. If it's the most insignificant thing like a dish in the sink, say calmly, "hey it'll be done as soon as I'm done doing x" and give an affectionate gesture like a kiss on the cheek. This way you are establishing independence, reassurance, and closeness. Obviously follow through is important though.

I kinda just feel like I have to respond to all the nagging with kindness and openess. Idk, I'm just gonna try it. I've been pretty jokey back to him, maybe a little sarcastic, and it's not helping.

>>18432825
How long have you guys been dating? If it's worth it to you, then go for it. By the way it sounds, chances are that shit is gonna hit the fan eventually so why not just save yourself from being hurt and end it. I know its sadistic, but I've had my fair share of break-ups and its easier to end it when you have your first doubts because it almost never ends well. You either marry this person or break up.

>>18432858
>gun to your head, do you want to fix this?
no, at its best its fantastic; but when i try to imagine a future, as good as it is i just see the same problems only magnified and causing strife with any children we may have.

>>18432861
I did, maybe i'm looking into too deeply at times, but every other time i'll get a "i was just joking."

i'm more old fashioned but I never cut deep like that with my partner. Then brushing it off like that is fucking irritating. Its childish and a double bind of "if you get mad at that now it only proves you're taking it too seriously, and i get a free pass to say shit and punctuate it with that"


>>18432864
i like your two step method. I get the nuance. Sometimes it is my fault but other times its more blatant. I don't give the latter a pass as much as the former, and the issue lies in:
>It's typically really passive-aggressive.
which is irritating as fuck. Like if she does have a point its made completely disproportionately to the perceived insult. I can't be perfect. >>18432875
this is what i'm thinking now. The signs are not as optimistic as they once were, and while its going to sting ending it now since there's not much wrong, I don't hope for the future.

> Oh no I am settling down and instead of fighting simply getting nagged

As if this is not 100% normal in 80% of all relationships.

Even if you love each other, there will always be a million things you disagree on, sinks in the wash, toilet seats, hairs in the drain, cats in bed, cats not in the bed, children, dressing children, getting drunk with your friends, not getting drunk with your friends, having friends, not having friends, being friends with someone the SO considers a rival, being chummy with the in-laws, hating the in-laws, driving fast, driving slow, music, food, drinks

Seriously, when two people live together there are so many variables in preference, and nagging is a way of trying to "assert dominance" into whatever your worldview fits.

The only way to combat nagging is by not giving in too much, never giving in when it's one of your core values/beliefs/pasttimes, and most importantly, counter-nagging.

When you counter-nag, you ensure that both are playing ball and slowly assimilating into each other.
If only one person ever gives way in a relationship it turns sour when person 1 feels they have to change everything about themselves, and person 2 feels like person 1 stops being the person they fell in love with.

>>18432882
Its gonna sting even more when you watch your once-perfect relationship turn to shit. Its gonna break your heart even more when you are screaming in each others faces

>>18432891

> Sinks in the wash

Meant dishes in the sink

>>18432896
yuck, hadn't thought of that.

>>18432891
okay, you put it that way and i can dig it. Sounds pretty terrible but maybe i shouldn't look into it too much. the thing i can't get out of my mind is how to have agreement between parents to not be constantly bickering with one another giving the kids a bad view of a dysfunctional marriage.

How do you screen for this shit? I'm getting too old to keep playing the field but i'm ready to just find a plane jane to stop the incessant bickering. The one i'm with now is a bit self-righteous. I'm easy going but i'm finding out one of my core beliefs is to be easy going rather than dominating the other over random stupid shit all the time. Is that a lost cause? If I can't find i i'd rather make the otherwise perfect relationship I have now work, but if I had a better option I'd take it in a heartbeat probably. I have too much to do day-to-day instead of quarrel with my future wife over every perceived insult or look like an Al Bundy in front of my kids.

>>18432825

I think its really sad that you talk about an undesirable interaction you have with your girlfriend like you would talk about a dog who keeps peeing in the house. I think its sad that you think dominating the relationship and "putting her in her place" is the answer to your issue.

It kind of sounds like this is your fault as much as it is hers for immaturely dealing with the conflict in your relationship.

>>18432927
>I think its sad that you think dominating the relationship and "putting her in her place" is the answer to your issue.
>It kind of sounds like this is your fault as much as it is hers for immaturely dealing with the conflict in your relationship.

I don't need your pity. how old are you and how many relationships have you been in? Genuine question. I hope you answer rather than just drop in with your sanctimonious attitude with which you presume to know what my motivations and present situation are like.

>>18432882
explain that to her then. addressing a point of contention is only step 1, it won't stop being an issue unless you go the full stretch and genuinely resolve it. it takes work, time, willingness, and a bit of maintenance but given that
>at its best its fantastic
it's worth doing. if you try, and i mean really give it a good sincere try, and find that you two are just hitting a dead end then consider it time to cut your losses and move on. finding fantastic is not something to take for granted nor count on being able to find again.

>>18432882

>gun to your head, do you want to fix this?
>no

then there's your answer. just breka up wtih her.

>>18432937
>just hitting a dead end then consider it time to cut your losses and move on. finding fantastic is not something to take for granted nor count on being able to find again.

Thank you, I think i needed to hear that. Its both hitting a dead end but also being probably the best relationship I've ever had otherwise. we click well on so many levels but the few that keep coming up.

>>18432946

what kind of 'nagging' are we talking about? how long oyu been together?

>>18432948
2 years. its usually politics or just random things like how i did not do something to her liking and she gets unnecessarily upset, with something like traffic, or being uncomfortable around each others families. things that are going to matter with children while they don't now.

>>18432972

interesting. its hard for me to get a feel for the dynamic with vagueness. you dont really say how she nags you. just that she nags. it sounds in some cases like its not nagging at all but that you two disagree on certain subjets. what is 'nagging' to you?

to most people 'nagging' is someone bothering you until you do something they want (Take out the trash or go run some errands). what does she do?

honestly go with your gut. some people will shame you saying 'YOU SHOULDNT THROW SOMETHING LIKE THIS AWAY OVER NAGGING' and others are going to go the opposite and insist you break up with her because its not a perfect match.

honestly though there is no right answer. there is no wrong answer. both will lead to equal amounts of happiness and sadness, just different kinds.

so go take a shower, start talking out loud to your self and think 'do i even want to try and fix this? or do i want to get out?' answer the question. then go for it.

>>18432984
hm okay. i guess its more like a "snap"

a moment of brief irrationality and discontent over an issue that can't be helped in the manner to which she responded. Which then puts me in a position to either: try and appease or ignore because there isn't an easy solution to the problem.

>>18432995
or rather, isn't an easy solution to the problem especially in the state of mind of irrationality of which the problem was decided to be a problem then and there. It leaves a space where productive discussion can't take place so i'm left with basically the option of acquiescence or direct opposition; kind of like my way or the highway which i think is wrong and not conducive at all to raising children i feel. I'm not sure its something that can be fixed or if i want to or am even equipped to.

>>18432995

>try and appease
>or ignore

i mean theres the third option of trying to tal kto her about it. approach her from a sympathetic point of view but try to showcase that the problem can't or shouldn't be fixed.

like if a kids dog dies you dont 'appease' him by bringing ti back to life, nor do you ignore his crying. you walk him through the problem to help him grow.


if she just naturally blows up to teh point where it doesn't work you can talk to her about it when shes not being crazy and see how she feels. she might agree and feel bad or embarassed after the fact. then you can create a code word like 'snapping' that lets her know shes getting worked up and she can try to approach it a different way.

or you can leave her if thats what you want

>>18433008
you're right, thank you
i did more of this earlier on when i had the energy, but life and other obstacles have drained me lately. i knew something was off and i could handle it better, i must have lost that ability somewhere along the line to translate why shes being crazy in an effective manner. maybe i'm not cut out for it. a part of me feels like its not my job to instruct an adult on how to act more like an adult so maybe i should find someone else, but at least you've pinpoint whats gone wrong. thank you again.

>>18433029

no problem man. just remember: it is okay to leave. you arent married, you didn't make some big guesture of commitment, you're simply dating to see if its going to work out, and its okay to say its not, even if you can't quite pinpoint why. it is not your job to fix someone else, and its not their job to fix you were. were all flawed, and there might be another flawed person out there whos flaws align with yours in a way that doens't make you post about it on 4chan.

or hell, maybe you'd just be fine being on your own. thats okay too.

regardless dont feel guilted into staying with her because of the fact that its a relationship.

>>18433032
god that would be the dream if there was that perfect person. Hopefully i don't have to come here again, but the advice here can be really good. I hate that i find better insight here than most places in the day to day.

but i guess i do feel a bit guilty. maybe that's unavoidable and i have to remember to push that out of the calculus in evaluating the relationship. thank you again.

>>18432946
>Right. So that remark just there? And the <fill in blank> comment this morning? And that rather needlessly shitty <fill in blank> thing yesterday? How necessary to your happiness are they? Get back to me later if you need time to think about it, that's fine, but I do want a serious answer to this. Perhaps you don't realize how condescending and self-righteous it comes across, I get that, but I've already asked you to cool it a bit and not only have you *not* cooled it *at all*, half the time your response is "I was just joking", which again, in case you're not aware, comes across as complete horseshit. And brushing it off in the form of a nice big "fuck you i don't care about both our happiness, only my own, why on earth aren't you also indifferent to these concerns you've raised?" is manipulative to the point that I'm beginning to wonder if this -us, our relationship - is still going somewhere or if you've decided you're done and had enough and just haven't gotten around to telling me yet.
^ that's the sort of idea i mean when i say sincerely try to resolve the thing. have the conversation you don't want to have. say what you always stop short of saying. face the problem head-on. do it with compassion, and absolutely do it without vitriol, but ffs man you gotta do it.

>>18433062
i guess i have been stopping short. It always comes at a bad time where i don't want to get into it and the moment seems like it passes. but i should now that its actually weighing on me. that's a good template. i wish i had thought of it because its perfect haha. exactly cuts to the issue.

>>18433071
well i mean of course our first urge is gonna be to stop short. who wants a fight? especially if things have already gotten a bit heated and you'd only be inviting further escalation? nah, that's normal, it's just how we operate. that "pick your battles" idiom thing comes to mind here. kinda obvious now that i think about it but i'm just this second realizing it's as much about letting the inconsequential stuff go as it is about speaking up when it's time to speak up. huh. intredasting, lol. anyway. i basically just went back through the thread, read all your posts, and patterned the template off the info you'd presented. so in a sense you *did* come up with it. either way, feel free to use it if it helps. would have more power and communicate your stance more effectively to speak face to face but if you suspect the conversation will go off track and get all fucky before you're even able to get your entire point made, offering what you want her to hear in writing and then talking about it afterward can work too. just depends on the dynamic between you two.

>>18433089
thank you so much. well you put together better what i didnt realize i had thought of lol

but yeah, maybe it is letting the little stuff go as much as the big stuff. i try not to be a doormat but at the same time i don't want to overcompensate and be the touchy guy that turns every slight into a battle. most the time they don't affect me that badly until i started thinking what this would look like after marriage and with a family.
>get all fucky
they tend to do that, maybe writing is better

>>18433100
no problem man, happy to help. the pick your battles thing applies to her too. hell, the whole greentext above is basically just a long winded way of saying "goddammit learn to pick your battles woman" lmao. keeping it in mind for yourself as well can only help though, so good on ya there. oh and one last thing. mentioning that this issue is jeopardizing the future of the relationship ought to be included. telling her you've been thinking about maybe wanting to end things is not the way to go about it though. too out of left field, too overwhelming, too likely to induce panic-mode and ultimately be counterproductive. framing it neutrally is good. framing it mutually is better. explicitly saying you're wondering if that's actually what she's been thinking herself is best because it's question she does need to ask herself and that'll get her thinking about it. best of luck to you both, hope all works out for the best.

>>18433125
me too, thank you, kind soul, have a good night.

>>18432927
Nagging is putting someone in their place in the first way, so why not adressing it as it is.

If somebody accused me of nagging I'd likely get worse not better because the reason why I'm nagging is likely because I'm not feeling listened to or I've passed the point where my concerns were articulate and gone beyond to the point where I'm just venting frustrations, either at my partner or at my life in general.

Like I'm pretty sure nobody wants to nag. But after a while life can be reduced down to the point where this behaviour becomes normal. Instead of blowing up at her, ask her to explain her concerns in a manner which can be worked on in a constructive way. If this fails completely, or is accepted, but change is slow or not forthcoming you can keep escalating it until you either get to the root cause, or you end the relationship with a mutual understanding.

>>18432934
You sound sensitive. The truth is uncomfortable, isn't it?

>>18432825
Ghost her and move on to greener pastures.

>>18432934
> I hope you answer rather than just drop in with your sanctimonious attitude with which you presume to know what my motivations
>>18434000

Lmfao. What a stupid cunt.