Pregnancy & childbirth

I don't want to have a child because I feel obligated to, because "it's just what you do", and just because everyone does it, and it's expected of me as a young, fertile female. I want to feel strongly about the matter and I just don't.

Another option is remaining childless but sterilizing myself so I can still enjoy sex with my lover/husband. But if I do that I'm afraid I'll feel like I missed out in some way.

I'm torn!

I am in a similar position to you, OP, only I'm in my late twenties now. I keep expecting to feel this undoubted feeling that I'm ready to become a parent and have been expecting it since I was in my mid-twenties, but it still hasn't happened.

Becoming a parent is a huge decision and I don't think anybody is ever truly ready for it. You could own your own home, have a great job, good family and still feel like you've made a mistake. It's a hard job, it doesn't come with a manual and it's very much thankless.

You're still very young - ask yourself if it's really worth you worrying about this now? You're not married yet, so maybe you and your partner could work towards this first and worry about starting a family later?

Family is a strange one. It makes things a lot easier if you have a family who will help you with childcare, but it isn't a necessity. Although your family were quite negative about the idea of you falling pregnant before, they may change their mind if they know a baby is on the way.

I don't think it's really worth worrying about at this stage.

>>18417762
"I'm torn"
Well, just wait until you've actually had the child, then!

On a serious note, the answer is absolutely yes, IF the father is a confident man who is willing and able to start a family with you.

on the fear of giving birth:
with my first child, i went into it with the mindset that i've signed up for the ride and will deal with whatever will be thrown at me at the moment it's relevant. i had a wonderfull experience, everything went as planned. ofc it hurt, but nature isn't silly, it gives you a neat mixture of hormones to basically take you out of it. it's more like an intense trip than anything else. the problem is that if you let people fuck with your hormones during or before birth, you might disturbe that balance.
i visualized the contractions as waves washing over me, that helped me not fight them but instead relatively calmly "observe" them. it's alse very rewarding to be proud of yourself to having gotten trough it.
i'm pregnant with my second child now and this time i know what i signed myself up for. i'm keeping up the mindset of dealing with stuff when it comes up. meaning that i don't think about when the labour will start or if i will tear, yadda yadda. i'll see when it happens or doesn't, end of story. and even if everything went wrong, other have managed to deal with it too, so i'm sure i will be able to do the same.
fear is neber a good idea. respect for possible complications and being prepared for them is a good idea, but fear isn't. it paralizes.

will you be a good parent... yes, you will. you will also fuck up, but every parent does to some degree, so don't beat yourself up over this. nobody is a good parent before they actually habe kids. a parent is something you BECOME. you grow with the challenge. and if you don't know how to handle a situation, there's NO shame in asking professionals.

family support is nice but not necessary. for example, i don't have a grandma for my kids to look after them when i'm at work. but that's why nannies got invented. i got a sister that they can sleep over every month or so, and that's pretty neat. but if i wouldn't have that i would just hire a babysitter.

>>18417797
and you will see that you don't even want advice on how to raise your kid from your family. if you need input, discuss it with your partner or get a professional opinion on the situation.

basically, don't overthink it. just throw yourself into it and watch yourself become a mom. i might be biased, but i think it's one lf the huge opportunities to grow as a person and reach maturity.

You're still pretty young, and have plenty of time, so don't beat yourself up over this. I'd talk it over with your boyfriend, he can offer better advice than anons (given that he presumably has insight into your personality and family life) and provide emotional support while you make the decision together.

In the end, what you need to consider is simply whether or not you want the kids. Everything that happens to you during pregnancy is normal. It happens to all pregnant women, and if you have decent insurance and seek appropriate prenatal care there is very little to worry about.

As for the question of whether you will be a good parent, the fact that you are internally questioning yourself on the matter indicates to me that you would probably be better than your own parents.

You don't go into much detail about your financial situation, but it sounds like you may be struggling to get by, in which case it is best to wait until you are financially stable. Again, you are 25 and have plenty of time.

The biggest thing you can do is talk this over with the boyfriend. It's his decision too, and it takes two to do this.

>>18417803
This, expect if you've chosen a man with enough confidence, you won't need a "professional" anyway.

>>18417750
My dad once told me that if he and mom waited to get "enough" money to start a family, my brothers and me would never been born cause that time would never come.

I never had a strong feeling that I want to be a mom. I was never a kids person, but now I see that Im just not into other people's kids. When I was 30, I realized I should start trying for a baby, just in case it took me long to conceive and see how it goes. I was afraid if I will be good enough mom, my family is in another country so I had almost no support apart from bf's mom sometimes.
Pregnancy is really a unique experience, mine was luckily without problems but childbirth didn't went so well and I had to have emergency c-section after 12h of labor. I also couldnt breastfeed, got postpartum depression for awhile afterwards.
My son is mildly autistic but I wouldn't change anything, im very happy to be his mom and now I couldn't imagine life without him.

You gotta ask yourself are you ready to fully change your lifestyle, to put your child's needs in front of yours. 24/7 for many, many years.

>>18417860
the problem with raising kids is that there's no wrong and right way to do it. and sometimes you will just have different viewpoint and then it's better to ask someone who actually knows his shit than to endlessly debate over it and possibly cause tension between you and your husband for something that could have been easily solved from someone taking an outside perspective.

>>18417750
Not having children can lead to a lot of regret so I would say so but before you do it:
>get married
I know le freedom meme and whatever but if you have a child that is out of the window anyways. Remembe marriage is not about you it's about the child.
>work on yourself
Get ready to have a child. It's not something that will magically come. It's an active choice to mature.
>make sure your partner is ready
Having an immature father is just as bad if not worse than having an immature mother
>plan
Read up on child education etc. That can of course happen after the birth too.

Having a child is most likely preferable to not having one but it has to be planned.

>>18417783
Yes I just wanna take this one step at a time. Living together, marrying, then pregnancy.
I'm just worried because I'm growing older too, and as this happens, my eggs become less viable, and my offspring are more susceptible to birth defects.
Thanks your post helped

>>18417791
LOL

>>18417797
>>18417803
Wow this was extremely inspiring to read, an I can do it attitude that I probably truly need

>>18417809
You're correct, still pretty young. Boyfriend supports me through everything, we have each other's backs.

Yes, I want to be more financially stable. I'm not struggling, but I currently don't make terribly much, but at least it's something. I make $11:22 an hour. I understand that totally. Yet at the same time I don't need to be rich to be a good mom

One step at a time

>>18417750
I feel you, OP. I am 28 and that scary 30-year-old mark is looming over me and I know I'm still not ready to have a kid. My parents didn't have me until their late 30s and I am an only child, so I know what growing up with older parents was like and I don't want that for my kid. Neither myself nor my fiance had good childhoods so I worry that we won't be able to provide one for a child. I also worry that any problems we have together will only be exaggerated with the addition of a child (he seems to think having a child would give us additional purpose, I only see additional problems). It's not an easy situation to be in at all. I think when it comes down to it, you really have to listen to you heart. If you heart honestly says no, listen. It's what I've been doing. Sure, it's hard to watch all your friends from high school and college get married off and start popping out kids. It makes you feel so behind. And if you've got family constantly checking their watches on you it's even worse, though it sounds like that's something you don't have to deal with (lucky for you). But at the end of the day I know that it's my decision and my decision alone. I can't let myself be influenced by my friends, or my family. I have to do what's right for me, and what I think would be right for a future child. And if that means I'll always be childless, then it means I'll always be childless and I have to come to terms with that. It isn't easy, that's for sure.