Hold a deep resentment for my mom

>>18411459
probably best to just deal with it until you can move out, then you never have to speak with her again

your only chance to deal with this in a mature way is realizing that 99% of parents fuck up to some degree. some just royaly fuck up. the second thing you need to learn is that they don´t fuck up on purpose. they are just humans with flaws. some with more and bigger flaws than others, but they also don´t have those flaws intentionally. some might be aware but have no clue how to get rid of them. others bask in the bliss of not realizing, but that doesn´t make them any worse or better. maybe stupid, yes, but that´s also not something they can control.

after that, you might be able to generate some empathy in finding out where they got their fuck ups from. in almost all cases, they got them from their parents. it´s a vicious cycle and your only focus should be to break it by not making the same mistakes when you have kids on your own.

what you need to do is get to know what made yuor mom the way she is and then forgive her for fucking you up. after that, let it rest and instead use your energy to mend what she destroyed. and to learn what she failed to teach, to forget the bullshit she infiltrated you with. basically, the whole point of becoming an adult is trying to get rid of the damage your parents have done to you. and that will be true for your own kids one day, so don´t be so supercilious.

take it as a huge opportunity to become a functional human to forgive your mom for being a naive moron with tons of flaws.

besides, i think it´s a natural progress to not being able to stand your paretns face at a certain stage. it fuels your efforts to move out, something that´s very healthy to do.

>>18411482
>>18411462
I haven't lived with my parents in a long time, all of this hatred and rage has been lingering around and re-kindled on a bi-yearly basis.

>>18411482
I get what you're saying, but I'm having a hard time making excuses for her. "Oh, well her Dad was a mongoloid piece of shit that beat her on a daily basis, so I guess it's understandable that she shoved me against walls and bit my head off at the tiniest inkling of imperfection. Such is life!" fuck that.

I've been taught to take responsibility for my actions, by her nonetheless, so I see no reason whatsoever to shrug off all the shit shes done to me and continue minimizing the impact its had on me. She knew better, she knew the pain and the hurt acting like that can cause a child, and she did it anyway. Do you know what she told my Dad? I overheard her say "Well I was raised like that, and I turned out ok. Why didn't he?". You see, this isn't some mistake she made. This is something malicious and intentional she did because she's stupid and self-righteous enough to believe that she's justified in hurting and manipulating people because she was at one point hurt and manipulated.

>>18411509
you don´t have to make excuses for her. you need to develope some empathy for her.

see, it´s actually your only way out. either you seriously give it a try or you stay bitter your whole life.

my dad was an abusive asshole too and i used to think the exact same way you do. he also even said the same stupid shit. he also teached me to take responsibility for my own actions. without doing so himself.
i thought he´s the devil in person and that he intentionally fucked me over.
you know what changed my mind?

firstly, he hates his parents with a passion for the exact same reasons. and he STILL holds on to that. he resents them and he can´t find peace until they would apologize for their shortcomings. only, that will never happen. because the problem is that parents most often don´t realize what they did. this lesson i learned from being a parent myself. i got into situations that weren´t pleasant, but when i tried to see them trough my kids eyes, i suddenly realized that it´s exactly stuff like that that will burn into their minds and haunt them even as adults, when i have long forgotten about it because it wasn´t a big deal for ME. it was for them. i realized that yes, even trivial shit Is a huge deal for little kids because it IS the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Adults and children don´t have the same perspective.

for example:
my mom once locked me into the bunker for a whole day without water nor toilet access and the whole family went away. that truly disturbed me. but when i now try to imagine it from her perspective, i know that she hasn´t thought it would have such a great impact on me when she did that. she was overwhelmed, probably exhausted and fucking angry. she wasn´t in control of her emotions and actions. and that is what happens if you are a parent. not always to the same degree, but you WILL go over your boundaries.

>>18411577
so, he can wait till he dies for his parents to apologize beacuse they don´t even slightly feel like there is any necessity to do so.

waiting for them to acknowledge their faults is just wasted energy.

the other thing that made me do things differently than him was that i didn´t want to do the same to my kids that he did to us. and i knew that if i didn´t break the cycle, it would never end. growing up like that generates issues. if you don´t adress them by getting rid of the root of them, then you WILL pass them down.
so when i became a parent, and realized i, too, frequently are overwhelmed and act in ways i don´t want to because i can´t controle my emotions and actions anymore due to my issues, i sought professional help.
i went to therapy for 2 years and i also made a conscious attempt to get to know my dad (and my mom) from a whole new perspective. i actually thought of them as two strangers that i, as an adult, get to know. i asked them about their history and so on. i took them at face value instead of projecting all my childhood drama into the presence. what happened was that i was able to see the pain they were in, which helped me greatly to generate empathy and finally forgive them and move on.

i only was able to do so beacuse i saw what happens if i DON´T manage to do that. i will end up like my parents. old, bitter, lonely and fucking miserable.
#now i have a wondefull realtionship with them, and that´s thanks to My effort. they sucked my offer for peace up like dried up sponges, beacuse deep down they were god damn sorry for what they had done. they were just too embarassed to actually say it. but that´s ok, i don´t need them to say it out loud.

stop throwing out energy and happiness for hate and resentment that isn´t necessary.

Wait. So getting treated like shit is an excuse to treat your kids like shit? Nah. My mom bitched all the time about how badly her dad treated her and then treated me 2x as badly. I have zero sympathy for my mom. I regret not getting a swing in before disowning her.

>>18411577
That worked for you because your parents actually felt bad. If OP's mom is anything like mine, she doesn't even think what she did is wrong and everything is x fault. Or shes so damn bipolar she "doesnt remember it happening at all". - quote from an hour after she picked me up by my ears and threw me up against the wall. But that didn't happen, despite the three inch scar from the loose screw.

>>18411694
yeah, you obviously didn´t get what i was saying. that´s how all abusive parents are. they never showed regret or even flat out denied any of it had ever happened. but that´s also not necessary to get over it and move on. it has nothing, absoultely ZERO, to do with how they act.

you either realize this or you will stay angry and bitter your whole life. your choice.

>>18411674
no, it´s not an excuse, but it´s a reason and an explanation.

>>18411674
btw, now you´re already doing the same your mom did. using her bad treatment as an excuse to treat her badly. you´re already continuing the cycle. might god have mercy if you ever have kids.

>>18411703
I know I didn't handle it the best way by just no longer talking to them. But what is the neccesity of having a relationship with your parents? I'm not lonely or miserable, maybe a little bitter, but I also know how to own up and apologize. I just don't see a reason with continuing a relationship with people that continually make the same mistakes that have been repeatedly pointed out to them?

>>18411744
no, don´t be mistaking. you don´t have to have any kind of realtionship with them to forgive them.
my dad hasn´t talked to his parents since decades and it is still haunting him, that his own parents were able to treat him like that and that they don´t care enough to reach out to him. it´s honestly painful to watch. he could gain so, so much from finally letting it go. but he stubbornly refuses. i know it´s asked much and hurts like hell, but this is only damage controle. you can´t change them or make them feel sorry. all you can do is change how you feel about it and that you should definitely do, because else you might end up like my dad, who drowns his hurting in alc and pot and agressions. he´s extremely lonely because of this and he has told me more than once that if it wasn´t for me who took a genuine interest in him, he would have killed himself long ago. please don´t end up like that. i know how it feel like to think your own parents hate you and only want to see you suffer, it really fucks with you. you need to get away from this asap.

>>18411778
I'm so messed up in the head from my childhood, mostly from how I allowed myself to handle my parents. But how do I forgive them, when thinking about having any sympathy for them makes me even angrier at them?

>>18411703
Is not talking to her, treating her badly? When the alternative is to loose my shit on her? And yea, I'm terrified to have kids.

>>18411824
you think that by forgiving them you approve of what they did to you and you also want someone to acknowledge that it was fucking god damn unfair and that you never asked for this or deserved this and that´s very true.

you also think that by forgiving them you suddenly lose the right to blame them for your issues.

that´s not true. you can forgive and still acknowledge that it hurts like hell, is extremely unfair and that it causes huge issues.

but reaize once and for all times that holding grudges will NEVER make the shit you are dealing with now thanks to your uppringing any better or dissapear.

the only thing that change anything about the deep rooted stuff that is causing you problems is you working on them full force. that means you need to become an expert in knowing yourself. you need to search every nook of your personality and character for the flaws your parents inflicted on you. your focus should shift to learning all about those issues and most importantly how to SOLVE them. then do those things with discipline until it becomes second nature and finally changes your character. you can not adress anything by trying to forcefully change your habits, you can only change for good if you adree your character.

and it is hugely important for you to get am excllent grasp on youself. that also means becoming very open to criticism. don´t just take it unfiltered, but definitely always double check if there could be some truth in it. chances are there is.

>>18411831
no, i actually meant, you hate her. hate is never a good idea. it just breeds more hate and pain. you had enough of that troughout your life. it´s really high time to get rid of it and replace it.

>>18411853
>>18411847
I need to get to know myself, figure out how my character has been affected by how I was raised and how my outlook has been affected by the hate I have toward her. And dedicate myself to fixing the flaws? Like my inability to speak in mixed company? Or inability to have a positive opinion about myself? And maybe stop getting so pissy when my bf says I'm treating him badly? Maybe I know all the answers and I have just been brewing in the bitterness.... the time it's taking me to type this, I'm realizing more, I'm not sure I like it, but I dont think I'm suppose to. Am I suppose to be this angry at myself for allowing her to get into my head?

>>18411875
If I'd like your opinion on this, if I'm misunderstanding, please let me know, your view is much more eye opening then, "just get over it"

>>18411875
you´re already starting to realize it.
that´s good, i´m proud of you.

yes, that´s exactly what you need to do.
you need to get an expert in how humans work, so you can see the patterns that have been fucked up in your case and fix them.

for example, and that might not be true for you, your issue with getting angry at your bf for telling you you treat him badly. maybe you know you treat him badly and you feel guilty about it but you don´t know what to do about it because you have no other way of "being", because you never learned anything else.
maybe him pointing it out makes you feel helpless and angry at yourself.

or your inability to have a positive opinion about yourself.
kids are very selfcentered. in their miind, they are the center of the universe and everything that happens happens as a direct result of their action. that´s not some garbage i just made up, that´s scientifically backed up pedriatic facts.
so if your mom treats you like shit, you naturally think that this is becuse of something you did wrong. that´s the logical conclusion. you don´t have the capability to realize that that´s entirely wrong and that she screamed at you because she had no money to get groceries and when she got home she also had a huge bill in the mailbox and then she found out you forgot to feed the cat and blew up on you. you only see that small portion that involves you when you´re a kid. so you obviously try your best to not forget to feed the cat again. but then your mom screams at you even thought the cat has been propperly fed. so you think it must have been something different all along. that goes on and on until you conclude that the reason she always screams at you is because you are inherently stupid, worthless, can´t do anyting right and that she hates you. ofc that´s not true at all. but it is the only thing that makes even remotedly sense to your infantile brain and it gets hardwired into your brain.

>>18411893
when you grow up, you forget where those belives have come from and you simply accept them as being true. you never question them anymore. so you base your whole selfesteem on false conslusions of your child self.
what you would need to do is realize that and then whenever those unhelpfull believes pop up again (and they will, they are sticky... especially in very draining situations like the one with your bf), you need to be harsh with them. tell them you know they are just infantile brain farts and that you´re now an adult and know better than that. and that you now know that you weren´t the reason for your mom being insane. so there´s really nothing wrong with you.

>>18411893
>>18411893
I can only say you're right. But I can't afford a therapist. How do I fix myself? He keeps saying that I should "just be me". But like you said, I feel like this is me and I can't help it. I try so hard but I just come back around to acting the same way. I constantly feel worthless, stupid, ugly and angry. When I catch myself being... o god... When when I'm acting like my mother, instead of swimming in anger and bitterness, what thought process should I go through to make it stick in my head?

>>18411900
Oh
Wow
I didn't see this first

>>18411916
therapy is mostly useless in this case. i went to therapy for 2 years and the only thing that was helpfull about it was that i felt like i´m actively working on my issues. plus i knew i had someone check in with me weekly, so that kept me on track.


but nobody can fix this for you. you´re the only one with admin rights to your brain and mind. i´ve spent the last decade on learning about human behaviour just so i can observe myself better and find the blind spots i need to adress. and you can do the same. i´d strongly advice you to start reading up on early childhood development. it will already shed so, so much light into why you are dealing with the issues you are dealing with.

sadly, i have to go now, i hope i could give you some helpful advice that will stick.

i wish you good luck,

>>18411938
I must go as well, but you have been a tremendous help, I'll def start reading in to that. Thank you sooo much