Toxic Love

>>18411436
(2/?)
Now forward to 2012, which is the next time I visted her
>In a rough spot in my current relationship since I'm going to visit my forbidden fruit and I'm being really cold towards my current girl
>I didn't have access to a phone that summer, so I generally used FB chat and email to talk to the forbidden fruit
>GF, who wasn't very technologically proficient, figures out the passwords to my accounts and cracks into them to read what I was doing since she suspected something was up.
>She confronts me and I confess it all, she's pissed off at first but ironically she becomes supportive over it. (maybe she was doing it with malice?)
>Ex reads my conversations with my forbidden fruit and my ex alleges that my forbidden fruit is actually reciprocal towards my flirting with her (again, maybe she said that with malicious intent)
>Hearing that puts me over the moon, but it came to late in the vacation and I had to go back home. Again, I was always mopey when she wasn't around.
Around this time I start feeling like this love is not good for me but considering that she was reciprocal towards me I just ignore those sentiments.
>Over the 3 years since, with the wider availability of internet and the rise of social communication apps, I was able to stay in touch more often than before.
>Even when I'm just texting her I'm generally happy, even with the shadow of anxiety from a permanent tinnitus looming over me. Regardless, I was happy.
I know she has had boyfriends but I never really take them into account, plus what am I going to say?
>She starts talking about how she doesn't like having favorite cousins but recently she felt that I have taken that place in her heart and that while her father and mother are number 1 in her heart I'm pretty high up there
>Again, this puts me over the moon and this is the first time I actually said "I love you" with full romance intended.

>>18411440
(3/?)
>She starts talking about how she wants to talk to me about something secret and serious and this ramps up all my gears to 6, I was extremely anxious about it for the entirety of the day since she wanted to talk about it at night.
>Night comes,and we start talking, my heart is pounding like a cage animal trying to escape, my palms are sweaty (but I didn't throw up mom's spaghetti)
>She starts to go into her story which was... not reciprocation of my feelings but rather about her feelings about this on again, off again boyfriend
I have an idea of who this motherfucker is, obviously I'm biased but I don't like him one bit.
>Tells me about how he dumped her for another girl but how she still has feelings for him
>Call him about every insult short of cuck and tell her to move on (obviously for my own reasons as well, but I had good intents behind my advice outside of my selfish desires)
>Starts talking about this and that and we lead into sex and I start getting jealous and really anxious, but surprisingly she's a virgin and is saving it for someone special.
But needless to say, by this point we were pretty close I think.

Since my last girlfriend I generally just stuck to flings and I didn't really go looking for a relationship, again because of my problem of always imagining that person as my forbidden fruit.
However I think I majorly fucked up here.

(4/?)
>>18411443
>Going to have sex with this girl (again, all I could think about was my forbidden fruit), start feeling her up and she gets nervous and kicks me out, get friendzoned.
>Whatever, start writing a text to talk to my friend about it when I actually send it to my forbidden fruit.
>Try to do damage control by talking to her about it (big mistake), but she talks well, normally.
>After this however, except for 1 occasion around a year later, early Nov 2016, whenever I said I love you she just puts a smile emoticon or just says me too, she never says I love you anymore.
and for that occasion
>We start talking about the uncertainty of the future and how she is nervous about it.
>I decide at this time to say everything I felt short of a full declaration of romantic love, how I'll be there for her for everything, no matter what I'm doing, where I am, no matter what.
>She sends back saying about thanks and that it was so heartfelt and that she loves me. She ends it with a heart emoticon
>Then like 15 minutes later she sends a text saying how I'm like the brother she never had
This devastated me, the only thing worse than the friendzone is the brotherzone
>On twitter she writes how she finally know how it feels to have an older brother
Shit sucks, but even so I'm madly in love with her. I start to accept within myself that she's never going to reciprocate and that it was never going to happen anyways. I'm there rarely.

>>18411445
(5/?)
She came to visit once but the visit was during a semester of rough university classes so I rarely saw her. I did notice that she had more of an aversion towards me when I did interact with her (she used to be really touchy feely with me) and that although we did hold hands and hug it was less... amorous compared to 2012.
Even so
>Continue to say I love you at the end of goodnight talks/texts even though I never get that said back to me.
>We start to talk less and less, occasionally I just get pissed over this and stop talking to her for a week or two.
>Decide for my own sake to take a leap towards an unknown and study abroad in Japan where I'm just away from anyone I know and everything I know.
>Around this time the anxiety and depression from my Tinnitus finally catches up to me, break down during Spring Break. I lose 13 pounds in a week because I didn't eat anything, I stop talking to everyone including her
>Have to wait for a COE from Japan in order to get my Student Visa, so I didn't make plans for the summer. However, I find out I have time to obtain the visa by the time the COE arrives so my parents buy me a ticket to go visit my forbidden fruit and her family to see if that can relieve my problems some.
>I don't really want to go but I end up going, I barely talked to her since my anxiety flared up and in between my bouts of isomnia
So thats the back story, now for the main problem and why I'm writing this:
>Arrive last thursday here, really too tired for anything, even for my forbidden fruit although my heart skipped a beat when I saw her

>>18411450
(6/?)
>She's working now, so there is less and less time to be with her. I've also noticed that recently I have been having problems with having quality conversations and generally not being boring (because of my tinnitus related problems I imagine)
>Over the weekend I spend a bit more time with her, everytime she touches me I'm elated. I know its pathetic.
>Yesterday comes, we talk more, I'm becoming happier. We spend some time on the boardwalk though I have noticed that the previous aversion towards physical contact with me is still there. When we walked under a tree of fruit bats I held her closer since she was scared but as soon as the tree was cleared she immediately pushed me away
>I notice that and I finally became resigned towards my fate. No matter how much I love her she's never going to feel the same towards me. = As she should, I'm no good for her. Even if she reciprocated it would never work out cause she's my fucking cousin. I did decide I'll resolve it once and for all before summers end, and I'm just going to confess, get rejected, go to Japan and cry/drink/fuck my sorrows away. I have hinted that I love her more than she realizes but she never really said anything.
>Out of curiosity, since I never really kept up with her social media, I start to look her up
>I notice that she's been talking a lot to that motherfucker that she said she was going to get over, retweeting him or taking a lot of pictures together
>Even though he is chatting up other girls, she still mentions him A LOT.
>Saw that her pinned tweet is that how if 2 ppl are meant for each other than no distance is to far, time to long and no one can keep them apart (he's in another city atm)
>Seeing that has broken my spirit and unleashed an myriad of dark emotions. I felt hate, jealousy, envy, anxiety, depression etc.
>Couldn't sleep last night, all I could think about was about all of this

>>18411453

For the first time in my life I felt murderous, like those jealous bitches you see on those tv shows. All I could think about was how to get rid of him and in all honesty I am absolutely abhorred with myself for thinking that. And towards my fruit, I can't think of doing something like that but I right now both love her with all my heart and hate her with all my fury.
My anxiety ramped up to levels I've never had before, I'm pretty sure I've suffered an attack. Right now I'm incredibly depressed and I've been alternating between killing myself or just running away from my life and just backpack and get lost forever. The worst thing is that its still the start of my fucking vacation, I can't go back home, and I'm stuck with her until the end.
I don't know how to react when I see her later tonight because I just want to hate her but I can't do it because its not her fault. I don't have access to a therapist, and I feel like I'm drowning. This is such a toxic love for me but in 10 years I haven't been able to do anything about it. Its a love for one person I shouldn't have have fallen for but I did. What should I do before I take a decision I'll come to regret in this life or the next?

tl;dr I have loved my cousin for 10 years and counting, I'm brozoned, I became insanely jealous and depressed when I saw that she still likes this guy, all I can think now is killing myself or running away from everything. I need help but you guys are literally the only people I can turn to atm.

>>18411456
My man. She's your cousin. I understand falling hard for someone, but she's your cousin. Does your family know about this?