General Advice Thread

How long have you been a part of this Chinese cartoon appreciation community?

>No redpilled advice offered

Stopped reading there.

>>18402483

That's ok. The rest of this board is littered with Redpilled advice if thats what you really want.

>>18402483
>Stopped reading after reading the entire post.
Nice job, dipshit.
Not OP by the way.

>>18402472
It's a Korean stamp collecting board you asshole

>>18402536
Kek

>>18402538
I thougnt it was a Laotian basketweaving forum?

>>18402541
Shit, I'm on the wrong board

Do you ever get over her? You know, the one that can't be emotionally eliminated by further relationshits years down the line.

>>18402591

It really depends on how old you are and how much experience you have in processing these emotions.

I know that for me, personally, getting over my first few serious girlfriends when I was young was really difficult. It was really a hard shot to my sense of self and I found myself feeling very lost and confused without having the love and attention of a woman to define my worth. It took a lot of dating and drinking and fucking and self-loathing for me to finally come to a place of understanding about what losing her was supposed to mean. It took a few years, but I finally got there with a series of revelations.

My revelation was that I spent too much time trying to destroy her memory; to replace her with someone or something better. As terrible as she treated me sometimes and as painful as our break up was she taught me a lot about myself and I learned so many important, painful lessons that in turn strengthened my future relationships.

This is just my personal experience but if you ask me I think the key to getting over someone is not to replace or destroy them but put them at rest; forgive her and yourself and use that failed relationship as a stepping stone to get to a better one.

I know this is all easier said than done but if its been years and you still haven't gotten over her then it may be time to consider the possibility that you've been approaching this the wrong way.

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>>18402468
whats some general life advice you can give to somebody who
>is 22
>still lives at home
>has a part time job, going to college this fall and will be done within 2 years (maybe less)
>virgin
>knows what I want to do for a career, is working towards it and it is attainable
>has a good (albiet slowly shrinking) group of friends
>has a family that loves and supports me
>but despite all of this I feel like a fucking loser neet who desperately wants this chapter of my life to be fucking over so I can move on the bigger things
>but I know I have it pretty good so I feel like an ass to feel this way
>but I also want to "live it up" for the next 2 years and actually enjoy my early 20s rather then gloss over them after having spent so much of my 18-now years sitting in my room on my computer, but when I do get into those situations im out of my comfort zone and I feel anxious and want to come back here

basically how much of a fuck up am I and if everyone does feel this way at some point how and when will it end?

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is it worth forgiving a girl that fucked with your head and heart but then she wants to reconcile?
Just had a girl, specifically the first girl to ever shoot me down when I was in high school and stop talking to me, talked to me out of the blue last week. After close to 4 years of nothing. Im embarrassed to admit how much it hurt and I still thought about her but when she came back i told her to fuck off. Part of me felt good to see her hurt like that, another part of me feels bad. A solid 50/50 right now honestly
is it worth it to forgive in the long run?

>>18402680
I needed to read this anon. I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years two weeks ago and I'm 21, it's been extremely painful. The worst moments is when I rememeber the amazing times we had. The feeling of having someone care for me so deeply. Sharing a bed with the woman I loved. Shit now I'm sad all over again

>>18403222

Reconciling doesn't necessarily mean going back to the way things were. There are plenty of people who I've "reconciled" with that are no longer in positions to hurt me. There is a responsible way to develop a casual relationship with her and not leave yourself vulnerable. Talk to her if you want, see how things pan out.

People change a lot since high school. I don't know anything about the situation but obviously something drove her to contact you. I know being rejected can be painful but if your curiosity won't let this go I don't see a reason why you can't at least chat with her. Feel it out.

>>18403227

Its okay to be sad. Young relationships are supposed to be very raw and painful. Its the hardest thing you'll ever have to get through because its the first time its ever happened to you.

Don't fight those feelings of mourning. Sit in it, cherish it. If there is one thing I can tell you about getting older is that I'm no longer torn apart by memories of my first love. I like thinking about it, really.

>>18403260
Thank you anon. Are you still in touch with your first love?

I'm also the first one of my friend group to go through something like this, so no one is really able to sympathize with me. They just don't understand, and I've been telling them to avoid a serious relationship for as long as possible so they won't ever have to feel this lol

>>18403209

All I can give you is my personal perspective. I was in a similar position at your age because early 20's are all "transitional" years. You've left the comfort and predictability of your teenage years behind but you still haven't accomplished anything, you know? 22 is this weird limbo age where everyone says you're supposed to be an adult not but you don't feel like it.

Its a tough age because you're stuck smack dab between saying goodbye to the carefree life of being a child and the uncertainty of the future. I was pretty aimless at 22; I was still developing my career, trying to make friends, gathering student loan debt and panicking about adulthood rushing at me at an ungodly speed.

What I'd say to you is to not fight these feelings. Its perfectly normal to feel the panic of adulthood; I definitely relate to that. Once my career took off and I made the full transition out of my high school relationships into my adult ones I felt a lot less panicked about older age and the goals I wanted to accomplish. I think you're going to be ok, anon. This handful of transitional years from child to adult is a very stressful one but I can say with fair certainty that if you put your head down and focus on your goals you'll get through it just fine. It happened to me and everyone I knew, you're not alone in this.

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>>18403282
I find my self getting oddly nostalgic a lot these days. It makes me feel so pathetic and stagnant. It will change and like I said I have some of my life together but I see people I knew moving out and on and im still living like a kid, so I think about those times and now im overthinking them feeling like I missed a lot. Idk, I know ill get there eventually and its not healthy to compare yourself to others but I just need to vent sometimes, you feel me?

>>18402468
How do I give myself a donkey punch, OP?

>>18403358
i'm in the same boat desu

>>18403276

>Thank you anon. Are you still in touch with your first love?

No, its been many years. We lost touch a long time ago. Like I said, I'm old as dirt. I have no idea where she could be now.

As uncomfortable as the pain of losing your first love is its a rite of passage in a lot of ways. I definitely wouldn't be where I am now without that pain.

>>18403358

>I know ill get there eventually and its not healthy to compare yourself to others but I just need to vent sometimes, you feel me?

Absolutely. Venting is good. Airing your frustrations is good. Like I said, transitional periods are rough. It'll take awhile before the feeling of being an adult will catch up to the title but I think you'll be ok.

The feeling like you missed a lot is also a one you'll learn to settle with as an adult. Looking back on the things you missed as a kid is often a very stressful thing but, in accordance with the general theme of my advice, learning to forgive yourself and settle into the life you have versus the life you dreamed you could have is very important.

Like you said, you'll get there eventually. Its just growing pains. I know that doesn't help out now but somehow just knowing that there is an end to the road makes traveling it a little easier.

I'm 24/male and most of my friends are already taking paths on their lifes, some are in serious relationships, married, building career, making plans and etc ...

Is it okay if you do not dig any of this at my age? I have a nice job who can easily afford my life style, my own place, my sexual life is ok, and I'm pretty comfy with it, the question is, I'm going to regret in the future because i have not built a life plan? I like the idea of marriage and building a family, but I do not see this as something that i should contemplate right now since i think that i still have some figure out do and things to enjoy before focusing on someone else.

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>>18403921
I have this nervous excitement feeling going on at the moment. I mean, its going to suck to have my teenage/childhood years be done, but I need this part of my life to end already because Im just stuck in the past. Worst of all is I know people who are like this that are my age or older and they dont have has has much as I do figured out but theyre always talking about the "good old days" or what it was like when we were in high school and its kind of pathetic. But again, I find myself thinking about those days a lot as well and im worried im going to end up like them

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>>18403209
>>18403358
>>18403994
>>18404606
Im not OP but another old (ish) fag. OP is right though, your time from 17-early 20s is one of, if not the biggest transitional period of your life. Your world and all youve known is literally upside down now and everyone is scrambling but its ok to vent or feel scared. Just keep in mind a few things
>everyone is going through their own struggles, dont pay attention to what people boast about, everyone is in some form fucked right now
>success is different for everyone, I know guys that I grew up with that work the same part time jobs we had as teenagers, still live in our town and theyre perfectly happy with it
>just because somebody isnt rich and moved away doesnt mean theyre a loser
>that fact that you are scared is a good sign, being upset with your situation but content with it is whats to be scared off. Because that is where the bitter losers come from
>again, its good to be scared but have the drive to improve yourself or your situation, this requires leg work, research and getting out of your comfort zone. if you dont then youre stuck
>literally everyone has felt what you are feeling at this point in their lives, its a rite of passage and not everyone is going to make it
>you will see people you know, even good friends, become nothing (maybe even die) and it'll hurt to watch but you cant save everyone
>the only people who dont have to worry about this are spoiled and therefore will never earn anything in their lives, they will never know to gratitude of hard work or earning their way so in a sense youre more lucky then their shallow existence

>>18402468
>19 years of age
>finished high school this year
>heading to college next year
What advice can you give for collage?
Also how does one balance the work/social life balance?

>27
>NEET, Never worked
>No college
>No friends
>Nothing i'm interested in enough to pursue a career
>Don't care about life at all

How do you stop being scared all the time?

>>18403209
Don't feel guilty about not being happy being a neet. It's a terrible life.

Anyway the key to succeeding is commit yourself to pushing yourself to pursue what you want and not escaping to the compter.

>>18404699
Don't procrastinate, aggressively try and do your work. Most procrastinating is just surfing the web and isn't even fun, yoi can lose hours that way. Also if you're ahead of schedule with your work, you have a lot more options, w/ how you want to approach your work.

Trust me, you will sail if you do your work early rather than, puttingg it off to thr last minute. It takes discipline though.

>>18404729
You've got to face your fears to overcome them. You can't stop being scared without taking action.

>Got a Master degree
>Started applying for jobs
>Got no jobs
>Start to feel discouraged
>Start aiming for easier jobs
>Still doesn't get any job
>No confidence left
>Applied for everything
>Ended up with a deadbeat job after one year of searching for jobs
>Most of the workers are high school dropouts

I was hoping a job would mean more money, discipline and confidence. But so far I'm just so disappointed in myself how my life is. Most of my friends area already in manager positions, have fucked of to other countries and/or own a company. How do I build up confidence again? I used to be top of my class and was even voted most likely to succeed. But now I'm spending most of my time with high school dropouts that can't tell you're and your apart.

>>18402468
>be me
>be 19
>start dating a girl, she seems in
>after a while she refuses to go on a date, she makes a polite excuse (oohh, I'm busy anon)
>"well ok, message taken, she obviously doesn't like me"
>she continues to text me every few days or so
>flirts with me again
>anough time passes, I call her again
>rejects me again
>continues flirting with text messages
>I'm not even responding anymore, I just say "hah yea" and the shit but the bitch is persistent
>I don't want this bullshit
"Interesting game, where the only winning move is not to play"

What to do

>>18404801
weird, what's your masters in? shoulda sought internships and school career help

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I can't look people in the eyes. I usually break eye contact in a second or less. How do I fix this?

>in before Durr just look at people's eyes. Duh!

>meet girlfriend at community college
>2 years later we're planning on going to the same university to finish our degrees
>if we get a place together off campus we would be saving around 20k by the time we graduate
>her mother is a fringe crazy christian and is lately appearing to do whatever she can to drive us apart.
>I am at a loss on how to deal with her mother, she's recently gone off the deep end in the past month.
>I don't want her to do any bridge burning with her family, but her mother is pushing her so hard into bad directions.

No real idea what to do in this situation, my girlfriend is super close to her family and since they are paying for nothing when it comes to college, they could really give a shit if it costs us extra money.

>>18402468
Hey man

I'm a 19 year old little fuck that's giving up on happiness. I'm about to dedicate myself solely to the discipline of my character and the acquisition of cash. Fuck everything else

What keeps you living? I feel hollow.

>>18405017
bitch just wants attention.
these kinds of bitches do not need to go on a date, you literally invite her to a "netflix and chill" as the normans say it.

Is it ok to wish my ex a happy birthday? It would be 3 months since the breakup and we only were together for like 4. It was her decision but there's no bad feelings at all between us as far as I can tell.

I'm being forced to work at my dad's convenient store and I don't feel like it. I'm scared of being robbed and killed

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>>18404699
heres what I wish somebody had told me about college
first of all, your education is whats really important and will consume most of your time. Make sure that you college A)Has your major specifically B)is a major you are interested in and C) has a back up major just in case that one falls through. Its ok if you dont know what you want to do, take some general studies (you will have to anyway) to figure it out but by your second year you should have some kind of focus/ Dont buy into the "follow you dreams and the money will follow :D" crap. Its ok to have dreams but you need to keep them realistic and attainable. IDK why but when I was graduating we had seminars with speakers and guidance counselors every other month pushing us to go to the biggest and most expensive universities and that was shitty. 90% of us cant afford that or knew what we were doing to justify that kind of spending and it made me feel like garbage, and im not even one of the kids who went to those places in that advice and lost a bunch of money. As for the college itself you obviously want something that is cool, known for parties and away from home but again keep it realistic. Traveling 100 miles from home sounds cool at first until you need something and then your 100 miles from home. IRL college is not like animal house, you will have parties and all that but anyone that legitimately acts like john belushi's character will get kicked out, drop out or get their ass beat by his roommates. You have a solid 2 weeks of partying at the start of the semester, especially if youre new, then everyone settles down and its all about finding a routine, with the occasional party or drunken/high shenanigans. Be careful schools are pretty strict with that and in my final years it only seemed to get worse (probably didnt help with the PC police taking over in most colleges now). Your friends you make in your first year will mostly all leave
cont

>>18405206
of the dozen or so friends I made as a freshman over half of them dropped out or transfered, never saw them again. Dorming sucks by your second year, again get a good routine with your roommates because you will be living nuts to butts and nobody wants to be "that" shitty roommate. I saw legitimate brawls because guys (and girls) were selfish and couldnt live in harmony. Be very smart with you money, save as much as you can because the main goal will be to get your own apartment. Keep up with ALL your student loans, emails and bills as well as grades. Schools have a funny way of slipping things under the radar you missed or owe without telling you, then saying "well we emailed you" and your stuck with your thumb up your ass. Maybe even hire somebody to keep up on you bills and loans for you, it sounds silly but the guy that did for me gave me peace of mind.
Im not trying to scare you, I loved college but its a weird time and you can fuck yourself without realizing it becuase youre too busy trying to live it up. Its so much freedom that youre not used to and then suddenly everything gets shaken down and you have too much on your plate. Just remember to keep you shit in order while youre there and you'll be fine

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>>18402468
How to stop looking back in anger on some past injustice that was done to you even though you received financial compensation?

>>18405076

I'd recommend seeking some therapy. I can't begin to speculate on what the root of your issue is but if you struggle with even the basics of human interaction than I think your problem is bigger than something I can tackle here.

>>18405094

It may not seem like it now but 19 is too young to give up on anything. I don't mean to sound condescending but the fact of the matter is you don't really know anything about life at 19. The person you're going to be at 28 is not even going to recognize who you are now.

If your goal is to dedicate yourself to disciplining your character then I suggest including humility and introspection as character traits to work on. The best people on this planet have the wisdom to contemplate the reality of their choices and the humility to admit when they're wrong. Don't get so caught up in your mission that you forget to learn along the way.

What keeps me living is my job and my family and the life I've built for myself. The thing is it took me many years and a LOT of bullshit to build that foundation. A failed marriage, a divorce, an assault charge, two evictions, a failed business, etc., Life put me through the fucking wringer but the point is I made it. You're 19; you're young and freshly an adult and don't have any of the things that ground a person. That will come with age; all you can do in the mean time is do your best to forge a path for yourself and do the right thing.

The world is dearly lacking intelligent, empathetic people, anon. You don't have to be just another angry face in the crowd if you don't want to. Your 20's will zoom by at an immense speed and, trust me, the last thing you want to do is fill those years with hate and bitterness.

>>18405087

College is a rough time to have a relationship. You both are growing, trying to understand who you are and what you want out of life with the added stress of supporting each other through that process.

What I can tell you is that dealing with unhinged family members is not necessarily something that improves with age. I've had my fair share of batshit moms/dads in my adult life.

You and you alone can decide whether or not this relationship has become more of a hinderance than it is worth. Unfortunately, if there is one thing I've learned in my older age about relationships its that it takes a lot more than two people caring for each other for a relationship to last. You have to decide what you're willing to sacrifice to keep this relationship afloat; I can't really help you with that. All I can tell you is to be careful because its really easy to get lost in a relationship like this; where you sacrifice and suffer far more than you know you should simply because you're afraid of the relationship ending.

Do some hard thinking on this, anon, because you know very well that if you decide to stay with her than you will continue to have to deal with her family. You have to decide if thats something you're willing to do.

>>18405341

Its hard. I know there were many times in my life I look back on where I fantasize about doing things differently or get myself all worked up because I felt like I should have done more.

I hate to keep harping on this point but this is something that will become easier to process with age. As the years go by life has a funny way of chipping away at the parts of you and your memories that are insignificant and keeping the parts that matter. There's a lot of things that have happened to me that still get me angry when I focus on them but then I remember that I have so much more to be thankful for and so much more left to do with my life. Personally, I often feel guilty for wasting my time being angry about something in the past that I cannot change.

Time will begin to accelerate into your 20's and 30's and you'll be in your 40's in literally a blink of an eye. Focus on your priorities. Focus on the positive things you have and want. Whenever you find yourself negatively reminiscing make the conscious choice to focus that time doing something constructive. The years will fade these memories away little by little but in order to develop healthy thinking patterns you also have to make the choice to prioritize your thought processes.

>>18404706
I guess the answer to my one is therapy really?

Would still like some advice on
>Nothing i'm interested in enough to pursue a career

If you have any that is.

>>18405057
Business law.
I've had plenty of internships but all unpaid.
I also worked part time during my studies, within law.
Altogether I have probably 2,5 years professional experience. But most common answers I got when I applied for jobs and didn't get hired was "Not enough experience.", "Someone else had more experience" or "We decided to go with a candidate that lived closer to the office."

>>18405431

27 is a concerning age for this kind of apathy. I think right now your concern should be addressing your personal life and dysfunctions before you worry about a career.

Therapy would be the best option. Finding a passion to pursue a career should definitely come after finding a passion to leave your house and develop relationships. One step at a time would be the best way to address this.

I say this because typically people build up to these kinds of landmarks and having an objective third party like a therapist could definitely help you hit those landmarks without biting off more than you can chew.

>>18405507
Alright, thank you.

I'll try get myself in to therapy

hi /adv/,
my LDR boyfriend doesn't trust me. How do I gain his trust and show him I am completely faithful to him?
there's this pattern of us arguing about something once every month or couple months.
When we are arguing he implies that I lie to him and that I am going out with other guys behind his back, and that really hurts my feelings. I tell him about it if a guy approaches me in public, I tell him when I am going out with whom, and he is always very jealous about my male friends, and implies they want to be with me for other reasons than friendship.
I can't remember the details of all our previous arguments, but we had one today, so I'll give you the rundown.
>be talking about random things
>i mentioned being very horny lately
>i confess to him that i watched porn last night,
2 videos and say I watched amateur real couples to see cuteness and affection.
>he says it's cute, but he doesn't want me watching more porn
>I ask why, he says he doesn't want me getting off by looking at other guys, I say I always think of him as I do it, and only watch it for ideas (I am a bit inexperienced).
>couple moments pass
>be playfully flirting and talking
>get aroused and decide to sext him about how he can throatfuck me if he wants (a thing i watched in one of the porn because he always had this thing for fucking my face when we sext so I decided to watch to learn for him).
> he says "i don't know why you lie to me. clearly you've been watching a lot of porn. It makes me wonder what else you lie about."

cont...

>>18405845
> I tell him I learned it from the porn I watched, but didn't lie. He keeps going on about how i could be fucking other guys for all he knows.
> I tell him why don't you trust me? he says "oh stop the bullshit". I don't know what to say.
> I give him my reason for watching it, telling him it was to get a new idea for our sexting, so I can please him. He says "fuck off".
> i am really hurt and don't know how to defend myself. end up regretting looking up porn and calling myself a dumb whore for doing so.
>he then proceeds to say "don't say that. why would I stay with a dumb whore?" which is insulting, because he's implying leaving me.
> I say goodnight and get ready to go to bed, because I can't take it anymore, even though we have this rule that is never to go to bed angry at each other.
> he then says he did not imply i was lying but just giving me a guideline to him.
>I end up apologizing for misunderstanding him and try to make up with him, promising him to never look at porn again, that I will become a better person.
> we have this thing where when one of us says I love you, the other always writes it back or else we get angry. I write it to him but he just ignores it. I ask him to say it back and he says " you know i do" then says it.
>eventually i keep asking him if he's fine and if we can go to bed now, because i am over it.
>we say good night on somewhat good terms.

What do I do?I love him so much...how can I earn his trust? Or change him enough that he doesn't have trust issues?
Please help.

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>>18405346
Thank you for such astute advice. I say that honestly.

Life has given me some reasons to be bitter, but you're right the world has enough of that already.

I'll try to lighten up and enjoy my time here.

>>18405848
>>18405845

Your boyfriend is a controlling, insecure shitstain. I hate to be this black and white about it but earning his trust is not your problem; your problem is that for some reason you're attracted to borderline abusive men and you either don't want to or can't see how completely dysfunctional and insane his behavior is.

Let me be very clear and concise with you so there is no ambiguity in my statements; the way he treats you isn't right. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize to him for. You are not the problem, he is. I don't know what happened to you in your childhood to make you think this kind of behavior is okay but somewhere along the way you were conditioned to think being treated this way is okay and it isn't.

Instead of getting angry with him for treating you like shit you get angry at yourself for not stopping it. That is intensely dysfunctional thinking, anon. This guy is a piece of shit and will continue to emotionally manipulate you for as long as you let him.

You need to seek some therapy immediately. I fear that unless you get to the root issue of why you're attracted to abusive relationships it doesn't matter whether you stay with this guy or not because all of your relationships after this one will be identical.

Im sorry if this isn't the advice you wanted but you're being extremely naive about this. I'm not going to give you advice about how to change him because you can't. I'm very sorry to say but this isn't love, this is a classic case of toxic codependence. Its a cyclical pattern of enduring abuse and then trying to win his approval back.

You need help, anon. Professional help. Bottom line.

>>18405950
I've never thought of it that way. I always thought he was just a good guy with some trust issues. nothing more really. I won't lie I want to help him, and I think he is an angel most of the time. But it shouldn't be like this, from what I understand of what you're telling me, and it'll keep getting worse after that? I never thought of it as control, I just thought he cared too much.
You're right I think the way I love him is wrong, it's not working. I just don't want to hurt him more by leaving. but that is what I need to do.
I am scared I need the courage.

>>18405990
He's manipulative and tries to plant doubts in your mind about your friends and dictate what you're allowed to do and you think he's a good guy?

>>18405994
I mean he is nice and caring most of the time, it's just the amount of times we had fights about me and him trying to correct me is becoming too much. But I guess defending him is red flag behavior? it's like i've been programmed to think it's okay in my mind, i'm really lost.
I really need help. I will look up counselors for couples.

>>18405990

>I won't lie I want to help him

This is the attitude you cannot have. You can't help him. You are not his therapist or his life coach. You do not have the tools to help him. Honestly, it doesn't seem like he even wants help, he just wants to control you.

At this point, you're so caught up in your toxic attachment to him you aren't even capable of helping yourself.

Helping him is not in the cards, anon, so forget that idea.

>But it shouldn't be like this, from what I understand of what you're telling me, and it'll keep getting worse after that?

Yes. If you don't get help addressing your codependence issues every one of your relationships will be just like this one; you trying to appease controlling, abusive guys who treat you like shit because you think deep down that you can fix them.

>I never thought of it as control, I just thought he cared too much.

Absolutely not. Anyone who genuinely loved and cared about you would never treat or speak to you the way he does. Please understand me when I say this is not even in the same ballpark as normal. If I ever overheard any of my friends or acquaintances treating their significant other the same way he treats you I'd be shocked and livid.

Normal people don't behave like this.

>I just don't want to hurt him more by leaving.

You can't sacrifice yourself to keep him happy. Your number one priority at this point should be to get therapy and avoid relationships at all cost until you get your personal life sorted away. Its time to stop worrying about how you can take care of other people and take care of yourself, anon.

>>18406005

>I will look up counselors for couples.

Absolutely fucking not. You will look up counseling for yourself and yourself only.

I cannot stress how important it is for your long term health that you get as far away from this guy as possible.

>>18406026
>>18406031
thank you anon. I am waking up. I will talk about it to a counselor, and we will work something out to break it off peacefully.
I just didn't think I could expect any better treatment from him, and what surprises me the most is how content I was with all of it overall. I am sorry for myself now. Thank you again, I will go to sleep now. It's been nice talking to you.

I want to fuck my friend who's 10 years older than me. We don't even have to fuck, I'd be satisfied with flirting and bring playful. An actual relationship likely wouldn't work, that's fine. I just want to play. But he's crazy, hard to read, and likely not interested.

I'm 23 and was just dumped by my first serious gf.
I'm really shy and introverted and she was the one who approached me online.

How do I get over the feeling that I'll never find someone as great as her again?
What if I just got lucky once and I'll spend the rest of my life alone or with someone I don't love as much as her?

>>18406276
By meeting more women, you can try all the methods you have disponible, but if you expect the girl to always approach you, you will have a hard time, get out of your bubble if you really want it, why rely on luck when hard work always shows better results?

>>18406276
>How do I get over the feeling that I'll never find someone as great as her again?

I am VERY familiar with this, and I've overcome it. You need to lower her from a pedestal and take this as a lesson. Anon you have value, and I'm sure you're a great guy/person.

Like >>18406364 said, get out of your comfort zone little by little each day. Talk to more people. What you need now is self esteem. It's true when they say you shouldn't be with someone unless you love yourself first.

Good luck anon, I am rooting for you.

>>18406427
Not that Anon you are talking to but how do you get self esteem? How do I make myself feel like I have value?

>>18406052
Just read your story. Pls get out. I was in a similar situation for way too long, and it really messed me up anon.

>>18406430
Well, the first step is to silence the bad voice in your head. The one that's telling you that you're ugly, shit, annoying, people don't actually like you ect ect.

We formed that voice to cope with trauma that happened in our childhood. For me, it was a mother who was never pleased with me and who was constantly angry and taking it out on me.

You need to tell yourself though that voice helped you to survive, it is now holding you back.

Everything isn't terrible, and certainly you are not. I repeat, you are not terrible. You just have deep rooted cynicism about yourself, that even having positive thoughts cause your mind to go into a downwind spiral if you're anything like me.

You need to listen to the positive voice ONLY. The one telling you it'll be alright, because it will be. That that party will be fun, that you look great in that new shirt, that you can try new shit and feel stupid if need be, BUT THAT'S PART OF LIFE!

This negative voice does not want us to live life, but we know we do.

There's no reason to be afraid of the world anon, you can go out and do the things you want to do. You WILL try. People who wan't good lives and happiness must dare to reach. It's full of risk and excitement, but you must dare. and if you dare, your life will improve. I promise you.

I might be projecting a bit here, but I've struggled with this a lot and took a lot of drugs to try and figure it out.

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>>18406446
Thanks. I'll try it.
I know that I am mean and don't want to hurt anyone. I just have a blanket of insecurities and self doubt over me,

>>18405076
same problem here
I've learned to sort of just space out while staring in the general direction of their eyes.
altenatively, you can look at their eyebrows or eyelids

>>18406461
Admitting you have a problem is the first step anon :]. I'm wishing you the best anon. It's hard figuring it out, isn't it? Doesn't it always seem like everyone has it all figured out?

But I know we can do it, my anonymous friend!

>know this girl in college
>get along really well but never try a relationship because we thought after graduation our career goals would keep us apart geographically
>I end up graduating before her and we part ways
>ironically end up in same city a few years later
>she recently reaches out to me and we go out for drinks two weeks ago
>have a great evening
>she keeps talking about regretting her past relationships and wishing things went differently in college
>at the end of the evening she says how much she wants to see me again soon
>I have to go out of town for a week
>plan to meet up with her either last Yesterday or today
>she had a conflict on one of those days but wouldn't know until closer to the day
>text her a on Tuesday the week before if she knew
>doesn't respond for three days
>says she doesn't know yet but this weekend is good timing since her roommate will be out of town
>text her last Thursday to find
>haven't heard from her since
Did I do something wrong? I suppose I should have called her. I'm just confused. She seemed like she wanted to spark up something again but then completely ghosted me. I'm half tempted just to block her number and move on completely.

>>18406483
>doesn't respond for three days
That's all i need to know, nobody is busy enough that they take 3 days to respond a text, this girl probably has something better going on and you're just there to kill her boredom when its needed, also:

>she keeps talking about regretting her past relationships and wishing things went differently in college.
Bullshit, she probably has shit taste in man and try to fantasize something better to boost her self-esteem, this kind of people don't know how to apreciate good relationships, they always fuck up somehow.

>>18406504
Yeah, you're right. I bet her conflict was the other dude she's probably out with right now lmao. Thanks for the advice.

Oh well

>>18406504
some people aren't that attached to their phones or not used to talking to a person but i don't disagree with you

>>18402468
how do i find a career suitable for me? I'm working at costco and going nowhere in life and i need to make a change.

>>18406530
Anon, you should get into bartending. There's schools around that are like 600 bucks that help you get a job after, and bartenders make really good money and it's a lot better than working at costco. You can do that until you figure out what you want out of life.

That's my plan, at least.

I'm currently looking for a job and so far I've applied for multiple positions online (mostly lowest positions at grocery stores and such). It has been almost 2 weeks since my first application and there's still no answer from them. Should I call or visit them? Is that a good idea?

>>18406538
Squeaky wheel gets the grease. It shows you're motivated for the job. I'd say do it.
Don't get discouraged. Online job searching is cancer. I've applied for corporate jobs 6 months ago that I'm just getting call backs for now.

>>18402468
how old is old normie jesus?


>25
>Still live at home
>parents divorced when i was 12
>Dominant father figure of the household
>raised younger sibling since age 4 respects me more than both parents
>been single for 7 years
>work full time don't like the job but it pays decent for now
> Home life makes me have less tolerance for nonsense
>Want to be in some kind of relationship but I get anxious when I notice sexual tension or somehow sabotage things.
>Feeling a bit lonely since it's been so long but I suck at flirting through texts

tl;dr I'm so used to taking care of everyone i forgot about my own happiness until now

What should I do?

>>18406063

>But he's crazy, hard to read, and likely not interested.

I'm confused as to what the point would be? I'm curious as to exactly what the nature or quality of your friendship is if he's 10 years older than you and supposedly crazy. Sounds like a bit of a mismatched relationship to me.

>>18406276

Your first serious breakup is supposed to hurt. A lot. The answer is time. Time and perspective.

The fear that our happy moments are the best its going to get is a very normal one. You'll feel it more throughout your entire life and not just about women. I encourage you to get out of your own head and participate in life as much as possible. Grow outwards in response to this pain, not inwards. Search for that feeling again, don't shut down and possibly miss opportunities that cross your path. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. Its a feeling I felt a lot as a kid, being insanely happy and then being let down and wondering whether or not I'd ever feel it again.

You most definitely will. You have a lot of life left to go. The pain will fade and you'll make new memories. We have to have our hearts broken in order to learn how to love better and smarter. Good relationships aren't like being struck by lightening; it isn't chance. Good relationships are the product of learning from your failures and making better decisions. If it weren't for all of the failed relationships in life I wouldn't be in the great one I am now. Don't panic, anon. You'll be okay.

>>18406483

>Did I do something wrong? I suppose I should have called her. I'm just confused.

Don't sink another ounce of effort in asking yourself this question. There are a million and a half reasons this connection could of fizzled out and even if you could figure out why it wouldn't change the end result. Sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes in life we don't get to understand why. It just happens and we can either spend our time hunching over the wreckage and picking it apart, asking how and why, or we can move on to the next thing.

Maybe there is a good reason she hasn't texted back, maybe she hasn't. The point is the reason shouldn't affect your plan of action. The ball is in her court. If she wants to contact you she will. In the meantime just live your life.

Get all of this "she's out with other dudes" or "she's just fucking with me" out of your head right now. Convincing yourself she's a piece of shit and developing resentment isn't productive. Its a very unhealthy, immature way to process disappointment. Wildly speculating for the purpose of making other people the bad guy doesn't make you the good guy.

You don't know why she didn't respond. Who knows whats going on in her life. Either way, it didn't work out. Leave it at that.

i like this girl, but i dont know how to initiate a conversation that's good. we talk normally, but our conversations are stale. we usually just say hey, whats up, and then we really dont talk anymore after that. she usually texts first, so i know she isnt not wanting to talk to me. i just want our convos to be more deep. how do i initiate this?

>>18406628

I can tell you that, in my experience, knowing what your problem is and accepting it is half of the battle already won. Therapy really helped me put all of my feelings in perspective.

I grew up with an asshole father who ruled the house through fear so I definitely began to feel in my mid twenties how my conditioning was affecting my relationshps. All I can tell you is that this is an issue much bigger than a quick thread in /adv/. This is an issue of reconditioning your dysfunctional thought processes that were instilled in you as a child and the perfect person to help you with that is a therapist. It really did wonders for me in the long run. I can't really tell you what that entails because every process is different.

I couldn't do it on my own. Human beings are very inefficient at being objective about themselves. All I knew was the way I'd been taught so a big part of improving for me was letting someone teach me a different way. The way I was living wasn't working so being open to therapy and reevaluating myself came rather naturally.

Its never too late though. Don't be discouraged. There are lots of people well into their old age who haven't tackled their childhood issues. At 25 I think your chances are looking very good.

>>18406664

I don't have a lot of experience with this, honestly. Typically when I'm in a conversation that is struggling to gain any momentum I tap out. I find that most of my best conversations have a natural flow to them.

If you're really feeling this girl then maybe try to connect with some mutual interests or discuss some things you're passionate about but if you're constantly having dead conversations it might be time to consider the possibility that you two just aren't that compatible. I'd say there's no specific way to initiate "deep" conversation, just ask her some things you want to know about her; what her interests are what her dreams are whether or not she's looking for a relationship etc., (yes, after awhile of talking that is a question I blatantly ask because I'd rather be upfront about my intentions then be ambiguous and miscommunicate).

You really have to jump in head first and just ask her what you want to know. Don't let your shyness be interpreted as disinterest because the two are sometimes hard to differentiate. Like I said though, if you're having lots of boring, one sided conversations it might be time to pull the plug.

>20
>go to college but don't do any of the partying or drinking(never had interest in it and family is bad with all that shit)
>usually just chill at home (live with family still)
That's some background but what I would like advice for is what should I do about spending time with a gf without disrupting my current lifestyle too much? I mean I don't mind going out every now and then but I really like to just chill at mine or somebodies house a couple times a week, plus I don't party or any of that which is something that most chicks I'm into end up wanting to do.

>>18406730

Definitely a conversation you need to have with her. Finding activities that fits with both of your lifestyles and schedules is something you need to work out with her. Express your concerns but at the same time don't be opposed to going out of your comfort zone. Just because you "don't party" doesn't mean you can't wander out of your comfort zone occasionally to enjoy something with your girlfriend. I'm not saying you need to party 7 days a week it'm just saying that compromise is a foundation of relationships.

Work through this with her. If you're both reasonable people you won't have a difficult time coming to a consensus.

>>18406755
It's weird that it feels so obvious and I completely overlooked it. Either way thanks man the help is much appreciated.

>>18406775

>It's weird that it feels so obvious and I completely overlooked it.

Thats the great part about getting advice I think. I really depend on the people in my life to show me different perspectives. The answer is often right in front of our faces we just need people with distance from the situation to point it out for us. I have big "duh" moments like that all the time, even at my age.

No problem, man. Good luck.

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I'm certain my coworker has a huge crush on me and I'm starting to catch feelings for her as well. The thing is she's currently living with her current boyfriend, and admitted she's only with him for financial stability. Not only that the guy is emotionally unstable and extremely jealous.

I've already decided on not pursuing anything with this girl, but if she does come on to me I don't think I'll have the strength to decline.

>>18407356
So you want adivce on what? Or you're just here to tell us that you're a weak man?!

>>18402468
Alright, op. I'm 21 and about to graduate after this fall, but i go to a small school where everyone knows each other and people are very cliquey. Ive wanted to make friends but simply havent. The people i see on a regular basis in my resudence hall and between classes all have established situations that i cant break into, or they remember some cringy, inept shit i did months ago and arent even interested in talking to me.

What seems to be more or less the source of my frustrations with people and myself is that i dont believe in anything im currently doing and im doing it to appease my parents, who dont even seem to care that im self directed and conscientious anymore. They seem more or less just wrapped up in their own problems and seem to realize theyll just grow ild and die like everyone.

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>>18407393
I want reassurance on the decision I'm making. I mean why do I even care about what happens to this guy. I've never met him before. Why should I deny myself this opportunity in order to spare some random guys feelings.

I'm jus going to tell her I like her too. Thank you anon I feel better now.

>>18406427
I don't think lack of self-esteem is my problem.
I think I'm interesting, pretty attractive and 100 times better than the guy she left me for.

I'm just not an optimist, I have troubles seeing how I could meet someone else who is so unique.

How do you know for sure (no 'signs', straight indicators) your crush likes you back?

>>18407619
>I have troubles seeing how I could meet someone else who is so unique.
She is not, you're just putting her on a pedestal, as soon as meet more women(plenty of them), you will realise that.
>How do you know for sure (no 'signs', straight indicators) your crush likes you back?
"Would you like to go on a date with me?"
Yes=You're in
Anything esle=on to another one.

>>18407356
>>18407572


>I've already decided on not pursuing anything with this girl, but if she does come on to me I don't think I'll have the strength to decline.

It sounds like you're going to have to develop the strength. If you make the conscious choice to participate in a relationship with a dysfunctional girl who exploits people for her benefit then you have no one but yourself to blame for the following shit-storm.

If she's willing to flirt with you behind her boyfriend's back then don't for a moment think she won't do the same thing to you.

>>18407649

Sometimes you won't know until you pursue her and find out on your own. Instead of sitting back trying to nitpick and interpret her behavior just tell her how you feel. Not only is it a very concise way to find out her reaction it'll save you both a lot of time.

Life is a series of calculated risks. Not knowing for sure whether something will work out or not is not a good excuse for not pursuing it.

>break up with abusive gf a year ago
>haven't been attracted to anyone else since
>not even attracted to her anymore, but my stomach still jumps into my throat when I see her name
How do I move on? I've tried hooking up with a couple other people but I didn't really enjoy it. Whoring myself out didn't help, focusing on only school and lifting didn't help, what the hell should I do?

A girl I'm crushing on recently replied to me with:
>Hey I'm your friend, I don't wanna lie to you.
Context: We were playfully teasing each other and I responded with "Wow rude" to her tease before 40 minutes later following up with a joke about how a coworker of ours "entertains my delusions." Now those two messages were intended to be one but I got sidetracked and only sent half of the trade before coming back and sending the rest. Her response was the greentext above.
I'm genuinely confused with what she means by it. On one hand, we were both joshing around so it might not mean anything but her phrasing makes me wonder. Why "I'm your friend?" Did she just want to let me off gently? Or something else, like she considered herself comfortable with me in the short amount of time we talked?

>>18408610
Im not OP, but a girl that has an active interest in you will be very careful using the word friend or defining your relationship

By what I'm getting she's not looking at you romantically, though that doesn't mean that can't change but don't put labels on it.

>>18408572

See >>18402680

Its unfortunate that really the only way to properly get over losing a relationship is to give it time. I'd say in the meantime take the opportunity to address your attraction to abusive women. If you don't do something about it now your next relationships will probably be identical.

>>18408610

I can't speculate on what exactly she meant. I personally think sitting around trying to translate the hidden meaning in people's words is a bit of a waste of time. If you're really that curious as to what she means by it, ask the person who said it, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Asking someone straight up questions is an infinitely more efficient way to gather information than wild speculation is. I don't know you or her or the nature of your relationship so I have no idea what her intentions are.

>>18408700
It's ironic, I didn't think I was solely attracted to abusive girls, but then the girl I fucked right after her (although I wasn't really physically attracted to her, she was just a friend at the time) turned out to be almost an exact copy of my ex, but with every flaw she had turned up to 11. I think I'm attracted to abusive girls because my step dad was physically and emotionally abusive, so it's what I'm used to. How do I stop seeking out ways to actively hurt myself?

>>18408713

>How do I stop seeking out ways to actively hurt myself?

Recognizing the pattern is important but, in accordance with the rest of the advice I've given in this thread, I'm a big fan of therapy.

I will attempt to relay this the way my therapist relayed it to me; pattern recognition is a key fundamental of the human thought processes. Through millions of years of programmed experiences our brains have learned to use patterns to predict its surroundings.

For me, every time I was really attracted to a woman it would end in heartbreak and I would discover she was dysfunctional and codependent. For some reason I was basically programmed through my childhood to be very attracted to distant, abusive women. My therapist told me that, according to my pattern, it was safe to assume that if I was really attracted to a girl the result would be the same.

She told me, as an exercise, to start paying attention to my patterns; pay attention to when things started feeling familiar. As a personal choice I decided to start going out of my comfort zone and going after girls I wasn't immediately attracted to; girls that had previously made me a little uncomfortable or given me that "out of my league" feeling. I had learned through therapy that my attraction mechanism was essentially broken so I started making choices opposite to my previous patterns and going out with girls that maybe I wasn't so attracted to. It took me awhile to get my feet underneath me and disengage some of my own patterns but eventually I feel like I was able to properly address my issues.

That's just my personal experience. I hope its been helpful.

Normie Jesus

I'm crushing on a boy that is out of my league, lives in a different country, and is younger than me. How do I tackle this issue?

>>18408815
Thanks man. I've been considering therapy for a while now (for other reasons), but this has definitely nudged me a lot more towards it. I'll try to go out with people that are different than I'd normally go for and try to break these patterns. Ironically enough, I've used my, usually immediate, attraction to someone as a shitty person detector of sorts.

I like being single and never want to be in a relationship. How can I convince my concerned parents I'm not lonely?

>>18408908
Can you switch places with me?

>>18402468
I am in university righ now
But I am not really doing anything, not really studying as much as I should
I feel that it's mostly because I don't want time to advance. I see myself in pretty much the best situation I'm going to have, most of my family is alive, I can afford to live without much worry and I have a good girlfriend. And time will only take that away

I also am a very lazy person, I spent most of my days laying in bed in different postures or playing videogames

And I don't really like people, I find they're boring and shallow

How do I fix myself?

>>18408828

>I'm crushing on a boy that is out of my league, lives in a different country, and is younger than me. How do I tackle this issue?

Be honest with yourself about the viability of this relationship. Very honest. When I was growing up I didn't really have chatrooms and social media platforms to connect with people far away on so unfortunately I don't have a bunch of experience with that.

All I can do is be honest with you about the reality of your situation. The reality is that extreme long distance is often a fatal blow to relationships, old and new. You have to ask yourself whether or not this is a relationship you're willing to close the distance on because while I'm not going to say its impossible to meet a romantic partner who lives far away, its not realistic to expect to keep a romantic partner at such a distance.

I think maybe you need to have a dialogue with yourself and him and discern whether this thing you have with him is just an infatuation being amplified by the fact that he's unobtainable, or if this is something you're willing to sacrifice time, energy, and money to make work. Put your feelings out on the table, outloud, for you and him to see and work through them one by one. I have to be honest when I say that LDR's are very difficult and pile on a lot of challenges onto already volatile young relationships but is it impossible? No.

>>18408908

>I like being single and never want to be in a relationship.

I'm not going to pretend that this isn't an unusual mindset. Typically when I hear people say this its a defense mechanism of the sorts to cover up a deeper, more brooding issue but this is not what you asked about so I won't pry. All I'm going to say about it is that its unusual to genuinely not want a romantic relationship for the rest of your life without some type of underlying dysfunction driving it. I've never met anyone of the sort but I'm not in a position to say whether its impossible or not.

>How can I convince my concerned parents I'm not lonely?

Just be honest. If they decide not to believe you then that's on them. At the end of the day you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with your life decisions, not your parents, friends or family. If they just can't accept who you are and how you want to live then there isn't much you can do.

Put yourselves in their shoes though. They worry about you, obviously, and I'm sure you mother in particular wants to know that another woman will take care of you after she's gone. You can't really blame her. Try not to be too hard on them.

For the record, though, I encourage you to really contemplate your dedication to being alone for the rest of your life. I find it very difficult to believe that deep down you're perfectly happy never having a romantic relationship.

>>18408995

Firstly, I'm going to say that you need to go out of your comfort zone and fight some of your natural urges in order to make a better attempt at connecting with people. If you go into the rest of your life assuming all the people who cross your path are boring and shallow that attitude will leak out into your interactions and people will avoid you. I think that's a really damaging attitude to have because even though not everyone is going to click with you on a personal level the hallmark of an intelligent, empathetic and socially aware person is being able to find common ground with a lot of different kinds of people.

Secondly, put your situation into perspective. I don't mean to sound overly punitive but you're a college aged guy who spends all day in bed playing video games and thinking everyone else sucks; you're not exactly a renaissance man yourself. Now more than ever its important that you condition yourself socially to prepare yourself for the speed of adulthood. People will come and go at an intense speed and I can promise you you'll be left behind alone in the social dust if the primary vibe you put off is condescension.

I hate to sound like a broke record but this is definitely an issue beyond just a short post on /adv/. If you're in university then chances are there is some kind of free mental health/therapy services offered. I say this not because I think you're a terribly mentally ill or sick guy, but I say it because the number one tool we have as humans in combatting self-destructive or dysfunctional thought processes is people to talk to. Sometimes all it takes is the input of an objective third party to help us wrangle our bullshit and put it in perspective.

All I'm saying is that you would benefit from having someone other than yourself to work through these issues with.

>>18408671
The thing is that she's been giving me mixed signals. She has shown interest but from what I gleam, she seems to be getting wet feet or inexperienced.

>>18409297

Talk to her, anon. Cut through this pointlessly ambiguous guessing game nonsense and tell her how it is you feel and what it is you want.

>>18409259
Thanks for answering, Normie Jesus
Of course, I know I'm no better tan other people. I have that very clear

When I interact with people I don't really show it, I can be pretty enthusiastic. I am not actively hating them, it's more that I don't feel the need, or rather, the drive to interact with people, I don't really relate with them or their chitchat

I understand, of course, that going in with a negative mindset is a self-destructive path to follow, but I can't really help it since I'm not really on the same wavelength as the people I interact with, at least I don't feel that

Making small talk is pretty hard for me

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>>18409304
I would love nothing more than to but our current situation only allows us to talk via Facebook. Long story short:
>Both work as security guards at the same post
>I work the shift before hers; regularly talk
>Ask her out for cofee but plan falls through as she coincidentally 'breaks' her phone
>Think she's not interested so try to move on but she brings up the coffee thing again suggesting she wants to do it but after she's down with finals
>'Okay whatevs'
>Week after she breaks her foot and all plans are off
>She moves to another post temporarily because the post we work a requires us to be on our feet
>Haven't seen her in three weeks; only method of contact is Facebook
>Start to feel like I'm the one doing most of the chasing
>Get sent that message I oringally posted
She said she'll be back but I don't know when so I don't know if my window of opportunity is gone.

>>18409342

No problem, anon. I understand completely how you feel. I went through a lot of the same things with my peers when I was your age. All I can encourage you to do is make a genuine attempt at finding a wavelength to be on with the people around you. Make an effort. Let people see that you're making an effort. It will go a long way.

Not everyone I meet is the most exciting or wonderful person I've ever met but I do my best to connect with them over some kind of common ground because you'd be surprised how much you have in common with other people when you make a genuine effort to discover those things.

We're all human beings and, generally, want similar things. I struggle with making small talk as well and a lot of my 20's were spent kind of avoiding conversation because I figured it was better to isolate myself socially than fail socially, you know what I mean? It wasn't until I hit my older age did I discover that I had really cheated myself out of a lot of opportunities.

People will surprise you if you give them the opportunity to. Get out of your comfort zone now while you have the chance and do things that make you uncomfortable with people you don't necessarily feel magnetized to. Exposure is the great opportunity you have right now. Being able to incorporate yourself into different situations with all different kinds of people is going to be your number one skill in developing a successful adult life. Life will constantly challenge you to do new things with new peoples in situations you don't want to be in and you need to be ready and willing to meet those challenges. Not only is the exposure going to condition you to be able to operate outside of your immediate areas of comfort but you'll find the more you do it the easier it will be to actually relax and have fun with people you never thought you'd ever connect with.

"People", in a general sense, will always be the same so, ultimately, it is you who must adapt.

>>18409393

>I would love nothing more than to but our current situation only allows us to talk via Facebook.

Not an excuse, anon. At this point even having an honest conversation via messenger pigeon would be more direct and efficient than this ambiguous signal reading mission you're on.

Windows of opportunity don't open at random, anon. You have to walk up to it, put your own two hands on the window and open it for yourself. Tell her you're interested in her and you'd love to take her out on a date. Flat out.

You need to put your cards on the table or else you're just going to spend the rest of your life sitting on your hands waiting for perfect opportunities instead of making them.

>>18409406
Of course, expecting people to adapt to me would be silly. And in the end, we're social creatures, it's not like we can do without others

Very well, if you're so sure it's what I need to do, I'll get out of my comfort zone. Any ideas?

>>18409415
Oh I know; no need to tell me. But if I were to be frank, I prefer in-person communication than online messaging. This is just my opinion (perhaps because I'm less experienced in messaging women via text) but a lot is lost in transit in text. People generally consider me a good speaker and I wouldn't wholly disagree. Sure I'm a bit clumsy at times (but that's why I'm on this site no?) but (and this isn't me touting my horn) I'm generally good at it.

>>18409483

>Very well, if you're so sure it's what I need to do, I'll get out of my comfort zone. Any ideas?

Listen, I don't want you to view this as right vs. wrong, ok? Think of it as different. If you've been operating your life a certain way in accordance with a set limit of comfort boundaries that you aren't willing to cross and you aren't happy its safe to assume that your way isn't working, correct?

If avoiding people and never leaving your comfort zone isn't making you happy then all I'm suggesting is that you try something different. All I can tell you is my experiences and what worked for me. Whether or not my perspective is the correct one for you, I cannot say, but I feel like in your case its worth at least trying out.

For the comfort zone ideas I don't think I have any specific guidelines for you to follow. If someone invites you somewhere and you don't want to go, go anyways. If you find yourself in a social situation that makes you feel out of your element, instead of leaving, stay. Instead of staying inside, force yourself to go out. Instead of avoiding people, seek them out.

This may seem like counter intuitive advice but, like I said, you said yourself that your way hasn't been working so it seems like it might be time to try a different way, don't you think?

>>18409488

Then wait until you can speak to her in person and be frank with her. In the meantime I think speculating about her agenda is kind of a moot point until you can confirm for yourself. I understand you're probably a little nervous about this but don't let your imagination run amok.

>>18409507
I understand that I might have given that impression, but I'm not seeing it so black and white

I am perfectly aware that this is not The Solution, it might not even be a solution for me at all, but I wouldn't know until I actually do it, so it seems like a possible thing to take into account and try out, even if just to discard it

After all, people always say how beneficial it is to break out of your shell

Even then, doing things you're uncomfortable with may take some time

I have a huge crush on this girl from college; since the first year (it will be 3 years in december). And now that i'm over some shit that was going on, we're actually working together. Well, for 1 hour at least, since we do different shifts.
The thing is... already six months have passed since we started working together and i haven't progressed much. Sometimes i help her with college classes and work, we talk a little bit sometimes and we both like some things in common (running, games, movies, literature). The problem is that i dont know how to handle a relationship, because i never had any of this kind.

Is there a way to make this work? I have heard that you shouldn't hit on coworkers... She is around 7 to 8 years older than me, by the way.

Is it normal to have a crush for this long?

Hey. I don't really need advice. I know that all the solutions to my problems are "get off your stupid ass and do the thing"
I've been in a pretty good place lately, but stressing out about the possibility of spiraling back to my depressive days puts me on edge.

I just would like a (You) if you have one to give.

I'm moving out of my parents in a week, 4 hours away from my hometown. Things aren't really set there yet (job, college registration), but I'm trying to focus on the finals I have this week. I'm excited, since I'm moving in with my girlfriend, and I love her so much. I've finally figured out that I love molecular biology and I'm going into science. My life is so amazing right now. I can't believe that a couple years ago I was living in the basement of my abusive ex's parents and calculating how we would support ourselves on minimum wage when she wasn't capable of holding down a job.

Currently I'm kinda stressed out and avoiding life, but I think everything will actually work out for me. Wish me luck?

>>18409533

I hope I've been helpful.

>>18409561

Good luck, anon, seriously. It sounds as though you have a good head on your shoulders.

>>18409544

My rule of thumb is that if the job is really important to you and you can't afford to lose it or the reference then avoid romantic relationships at work. If you could easily find another job and it isn't that important for you then I don't see the harm in pursuing her.

I think its pretty normal for people to be hung up on unresolved chapters of their lives. I know people well into their 40's who are still occasionally torn up about what could have been.

Its up to you to decide whether or not risking your job and healthy work environment is worth pursuing this girl. I don't know what your office policies are but, if you decide thats the path for you I would encourage you to maybe make sure your courtship takes place outside of work.

As for your approach, just ask her out. Its been 3 years so at this point I'd be shocked if she doesn't at least have some kind of inkling that you're interested in her.

>>18409604
>I hope I've been helpful.
More than you think
I hope I didn't appear too unfriendly, it's just that deep down there's not much to talk about. That's what it comes down to, really. My problem doesn't come from ignorance, but from an unwillingness to get started. I've gotten used to take refuge in videogames and studying

I'm afraid I wasn't a very entertaining chat, huh?
Have a good time helping out anons

>>18409518
That's NormieJesus.

>>18409604

>>18409544 hereThe "ask her out" part is my problem. The last person i asked out fucked me in a way that i dont even know how to date anymore. Or maybe she made me insecure as fuck, dunno, i have no confidence in being good as a romantic partner, always thinking that i'll bore her...We both do part time job in public service, and the workplace isn't that restrict.

>>18409643

Unfortunately there is only one way to confront those insecurities. Either you ask her out and risk getting hurt again or don't ask her out and never find out. I wish there were an easier answer but there isn't.

You afraid, I understand, but I've learned that most of the minutia of life's choices eventually boil down to whether or not we are willing to take risks to get what we want.

You have to decide what's worse; taking the risk that your relationship won't work or continuing to exist in this limbo of uncertainty and risk watching her walk away never knowing how you felt?

You also have to internalize that your fear of being boring or not good enough has nothing to do with her. The quickest way to kill a relationship is to burden the other person with insecurities. Trust me, being neurotic about being boring will turn off women ten times more than actually being boring.

>>18409604
>Good luck, anon, seriously. It sounds as though you have a good head on your shoulders.
Thank you! I really appreciate it.
It's cool how you're helping out people here on /adv/. Very honorable and considerate.

>>18409671
>[...]continuing to exist in this limbo of uncertainty and risk watching her walk away never knowing how you felt?

This is exacly why i'm overthinking. The thing about people in their 40s wondering about what could have been...

>You also have to internalize that your fear of being boring or not good enough has nothing to do with her. The quickest way to kill a relationship is to burden the other person with insecurities. Trust me, being neurotic about being boring will turn off women ten times more than actually being boring.

I do know that i'm the problem in this, i'm also aware of being insecure. I just got into this after those words, in the posts above, saying that to get with someone i would have to, first, be able to be happy by myself. I can do that, but i'm always thinking of how other people look soo bright in the things they do, and i don't (insecurities).
Insecurities are the sole reason i'm struggling to do something. Is, like also said above, more about doing something, since i already know the problem and the solution.

Anyway, ive been through this on my mind countless times. I'll try to just stop being neurotic and overthinking everything.

Thanks for the help, anon, and sorry for the annoyance.

>>18409671
>[...]being neurotic about being boring will turn off women ten times more than actually being boring.

What is the difference though? Between being boring and neurotic about being boring.

>>18409729
Isn't the difference that by being obsessed about being boring you're transmitting an air of nervousness that would make her feel uneasy? That certainly sounds worse than being bored

>>18409709

No annoyance at all. Good luck.

>>18409729

Being a person who isn't animated and bright is a personality trait many may consider as being boring but a personality trait that some women find attractive nonetheless

Being constantly neurotic and insecure and lacking confidence is a trait that inherently drives people away and fuels resentment in relationships.

The weight of being with someone who has a personality type you're not exactly compatible with is nowhere near as heavy as the weight of being with someone who completely depends on you to prop up their self-esteem and feed them validation.

>>18409234
Thanks for the reply. My parents don't believe I'm aromantic asexual. They think it's just a phase even though I'm 24. On the other hand my friends are cool with it because they're progressive people. I want my parents to stop worrying about my single status because it's creating unnecessary stress for them. How do I demonstrate I'm not lonely? I have hobbies, friends, sports and volunteering so it's not like I'm a socially anxious hermit.

>>18409950

I know nothing of aromantic asexuals or anything that entails but I encourage you to put your focus on your quality of life not how other people interpret your quality of life. They're your parents so being stressed about your happiness just comes with the job.

If its really that important that you make efforts to lighten the emotional load on your parents maybe try sharing some of the aspects of your hobbies, friends, sports and volunteering with them. Invite them to things, keep them focused on what you have in your life versus what you don't. Keep in mind, like I said, there comes a certain point where you've done all you can and whether or not they want to accept that you're happy is out of your hands.

I had a skype relationship with a woman for 2 years and she dumped me a few months ago. She was married and wanted to divorce. She claimed she left me because the relationship would probably only be online and that she "loved me" so much that she was in a lot of pain from not being able to be with me. She also claimed to have a lot of guilt and said it wasn't worth it to continue seeing me every day. She said she still wanted to be friends though. I got extremely depressed and didn't talk to her for a few weeks. Before she ended things, I had been getting the feeling that she had stopped caring about me and this kind of confirmed it for me.

I felt very hurt by her, but also lonely, she was the only person I had to talk to. I started emailing with her and it was clear she wanted me to just shut up and go away. I argued with her and felt I was being treated very unfairly, I never wronged her or did anything to deserve this. She just acted like she wanted to completely get rid of me. I wasn't believing her excuses for ending things.

Finally, she agrees to talk to me on skype last night. I had never seen her so happy before. She didn't want to tell me, but she reveals that a week after dumping me, she had already moved on and started another online relationship. I suspect it began before that though. According to her, this one was ok because the person lived closer. It completely crushed me. It meant everything she had been telling me about why she dumped me was all lies, and all my fears were confirmed. Up until the end of the call, she refused to admit she had done anything wrong, except for the fact that she was selfish, and kept blaming me for her supposed "pain" which I was never told about. I said she was a horrible person.

I just don't know how to get over this, she's very happy and I'm miserable. I can barely process what happened. I lost my best friend and I've been thrown away as person, not for the first time either. I don't think I can get past this.

>>18402468
Very sincere question, man to man. I'm about to be 20 in two months.

I never had a father to show me the ropes to this kind of thing, but women, how do you conduct yourself to attract a mate?

I'm talking both short term and long term here.

I'm about to go to college soon and I'll be majoring in Econ. The truth is that I've struggled with this a lot, because I've been going back and forth between Econ and writing (English lit). Don't get me wrong, I love Econ but I also love writing.

I would like to either go on to do a phd in Econ and pursue an academic career or go on to be a writer, but I don't know which one to go through with. I like both about equally. With writing I'm afraid I won't be able to sustain myself just by writing and I don't want to disappoint my parents by not earning enough and depending on them. With Econ however I'm scared that I might not be strong enough mentally to go through the phd and if I give up I will have wasted a lot of time. So how should I know which career path to follow?

How do I read female body language? What are some signs that she's into me?

>>18410216
I don't exactly the answer for this question but in my case were:

>Laughing at any stupid shit you say
>Constant eye contact when you're talking
>Finding any excuse to be close to you/touch you.
>Complimenting you out of nowhere.
>Texting you any time of day for no specific reason.

>>18402468
31 year oldfag blue collar reporting in.

>>18410234
Yeah yeah that all makes sense. I think shes into me, But I just like some reassurance

>>18410241
Good for you, but try to not beat around the bush too much, just go and ask her out.

>>18410247
The thing is she's not into relationships, already tried that months ago. We recently started hanging/talking again. She called me the other night and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with her, it was nothing fancy or romantic or anything but I think thats a good sign.

>>18410234
Wow no girls are ever into me

>>18410251
Again, don't waste time mindfucking yourself over it, the only way to be 100% sure if a person is into you is asking them.
>>18410256
I just posted my personal experience, some girls might act different, especially the shy ones.

I really care about a girl I haven't interacted with in quite a long time.
We met under dire circumstances and everything was a dramatic and intense clusterfuck.

I want to tell her I care for her and that we have a pretty rare and unique connection.

She's ghosting and avoiding me though. What do?

>>18410273
Was in a similar situation except I was ghosting her because I was pissed at her. Eventually took her back after her begging me relentlessly. But its best to leave things the way they Are, if she cares she will contact you.

File: 1491291064614.jpg (233KB, 960x731px) Image search: [Google]

233KB, 960x731px

How do I learn to become better at buying nice things for myself?
Got a job in the public sector and doing okay financially but I can't let go of my student lifestyle where every penny had to be turned.

>>18410273

Can't really have an honest conversation with a girl that isn't even willing to speak to you. It seems to me that your connection can't be all that rare and unique if she isn't even willing to give you the opportunity to say it.

>>18410285

I don't really know how to answer this question, honestly. My transition from having no money to having money was so slow that I fell into the habit of self-care and appreciation rather easily. I was pretty excited to spend money on myself after so many years of scraping.

>>18410234
Is it a sign if they grab your arm a lot?

>>18410285
reward yourself
the aim not to have money but to use it well

>>18410570
Might be, but again, the only effective way to be 100% sure, is trying is your luck, if you expect to have 100% success rate by just reading signals, i'm sorry to disappoint you, not going to happen.

>>18402468
Accepting any and all input:

My boyfriend is emotionally and verbally abusive

It started a few months ago, he began screaming and yelling at me constantly. He throws things at me and says he wants to beat me. He calls me retarded, tells me I'm worthless and all this crap. I'm really tired of living like this. I feel like I want to leave him, but sometimes he is very sweet to me and we really connect.
I'm being naive, right? I need to leave him? How come some days it's perfect and other days he's threatening to kill me? Fuckin a. We've been together nearly three years. Advice please

>>18410723
Broke with him as soon as you can. Go to the police and ask for a restraining order.

>>18410729
;-;

>>18410723
>I need to leave him?
NEED is the key word here, the "He throws things at me and says he wants to beat me." this part kinda scared me, i'm a man myself who eventually gets mad, but never ever came close to do something like this to a girl, also, do you suffer from low self-esteem, abusive family or some shit like this? Most girls in your position would have already jumped the boat before it gets worse.

>>18410735
Yeah... ugh. I've never been scared of him because I know he's sensitive and not violent, but he has super bad anger problems. Yeah I've suffered from low self value because I grew up in a household that was very physically abusive and hateful. I've been to years of therapy and meditation and I feel a lot better about myself. But even though he doesn't physically hurt me I am starting to realize that the words and yelling are enough to really upset me. I started keeping a journal and it's been about once every two weeks since February. I guess he isn't going to change...
I feel like my view of people is skewed, like you said, from growing up with a dad who hit me and said worse shit to me

Well thanks anon.. it'll be hard but I know now what I have to do

>>18410750
Believe me, always start like this before its gets physical, you should dump him asap, keep going to therapy and learn to love yourself first, otherwise you're doomed to always end up in abusive relationships, i wish you luck anon.

>>18410820
That's the general feeling I started getting. Even if it just stays verbal, I don't want to be called a dumb whore and a retard every day for the rest of my life

>>18410723

This >>18410729

20-year-old accounting student but I'm not interested in it.

What do?

>>18402468
i'm a 31 Year Old man, who feels like he went through a very awkward growing up period. At least I graduated second to the top of my class. Thing is, ever since then I've been living with my Dad, in the past I didn't have many good friendships and felt like I couldn't relate to anyone and am just awkward to be around. Mom passed away at 15. I developed a love and obsession for becoming a Concept Artist/Animator, said no to relationships and now I have no experience with them so I feel like weird idiot to people. Anyway, I've just had odd jobs in retail, with large gaps inbetween getting fired or quiting. My anxiety is through the roof, and my Dad has stage 4 cancer that is about to run its course in the next 3 years at best. So, my family is really railing on me to get my life going, I'm sad, overweight, and have no clue how to pick up where I left off after School. It's like my life has been on Auto Pilot, and I've done nothing with it.

I like to believe I can get started easily, but when it comes to it the anxiety level goes through the roof and I get confused on what to focus on first.

Anyway, to my point. I feel very stupid, ignorant, and out of touch. What do you do when no one is around to help you go through growing pains? How do you get over a lot of embarrassment, and start from the beginning?

My main insecurity is my intelligence, or possible lack of it.

>>18412957
Just a note. Same guy. I mean I went to school and have BFA.

As a 24 year old female, what should my priorities be if I want to be a happy 30+ year old?

>>18412957

The unfortunate part about getting a late start in life is that there is no avoiding the growing pains however, being an adult has its benefits when it comes to managing these pains.

My first suggestion to you is to take steps to manage your anxiety first; piling on school and work and social life onto an unreliable foundation is just going to crumble it. I've struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager. It took me many years to finally find the right combination of medication and lifestyle choices. The right combination is out there for you you just have to be ready and willing to go through a lot of discomfort to find it.

There is no cure to feeling out of place or disconnected from people your age but, ultimately, you have to decide what is worse; getting a late start in life and playing catch up or continuing to exist with your feet dug into the sand, watching life pass you by?

My father went back to college in his 40's. He struggled a lot; keeping up with technology, bonding with his peers and teachers, dealing with the social stigma of being an older person in school but ultimately he knew that going through these things is what was needed to achieve his goal. If you really think about it, those kinds of fears and insecurities aren't exclusive to any age. Every stage of life comes with a new array of challenges you've never seen or experienced before but don't think because you're coming at it late that you deserve any less to make your life what you want it to be.

My suggestion is to really work on building yourself a support structure of healthy people and habits that make you feel like you can support the weight of these new responsibilities. There are career counselors, psychiatrists, therapists; TONS of people you can lean on so take advantage of that. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You can absolutely do it but, simply put, some of it you're just going to have to hold your breath and jump in head first.

>>18412968

That all depends on what kinds of things make you happy. I don't know what makes you happy. What do you want out of life?

If 30 year old you walked into your room right now what would you like to see she has accomplished? What would you ask her?

>>18412968
I'm your age and having the same dilemma, with the difference is that i'm a male.

I'll be 24 this year and I made a decision to change my job. I used to do administrative work, but I dropped my boring office job and started looking into graphic designer and/or social media/marketing specialist jobs. The thing is, the only skill I got on a respectable level is drawing, I know how to use Photoshop pretty well, Illustrator - more or less, same for InDesign - nothing else. I know nothing about marketing but since I'm getting a BA degree soon (polsci), I'm thinking about getting master's with on-line marketing specialization in some private school afterwards. Through the past month I got replies few times after sending my CV, and three times I did actual tests at the companies, two times they ignored me afterwards (btw it's annoying they say they'll send an e-mail with info if they hire someone else but they don't) but today I'm going in for the third trial day in a marketing agency, it's an internship offer and I hope they take me in. The pay is shitty, like 2/3 of the minimum pay in my cuntry (which is already shitty) but I'm thinking having 3 months of experience will already make a difference, and they told me they usually hire interns after the internship, though I'm really not sure.
Any graphic designers with no related degrees here? Or marketing/social media specialists? Anybody who can offer me advice on how to acquire a creative job?

>>18405456
Do you get to the interview stage, or are you usually rejected on the CV stage?

If the first - maybe you make some mistakes on the interview? Like you don't put enough emphasis in your useful experience and how well educated you are etc.
If the second - basically same thing as above, maybe you don't list things you used to do that will be part of your new job, or maybe your CV looks too boring, maybe it's not informative enough or the other way around - maybe it's too long.

I have a crush on this guy for over a year because we spend a lot of time together at uni. He's asked me out. I haven't had a crush in over 4 years and I've never had a boyfriend or anything like that. The problem is that I know my parents won't approve of anything that happens between us since I'm a Muslim and he's Christian. How do I get over him even though I really like him?

I'm 27 and never had sex, or even a real relationship.
Am I going to regret it if I just pay random whores for sex? I mean beyond the obvious STD risk.
I just don't think I'll ever get the love or intimacy I so desperately want. I'm too socially awkward and my hobbies are too niche, and despite being unattractive and out of shape I only find skinny girls attractive and none of them want anything to do with me.
I don't know. I'm lonely, I'm horny, my life is a mess and I don't have any motivation to fix it because I hate myself.
I made an attempt at getting a relationship recently but I had no idea what I was doing. I don't know if I screwed up somewhere or if it was just doomed from the start. I feel like happiness is impossible for me and I'm finding it harder to justify not just killing myself for being a worthless failure at everything.

>>18413376

>The problem is that I know my parents won't approve of anything that happens between us since I'm a Muslim and he's Christian.

I think its very dysfunctional to let your parent's religious approval dictate your love life. Thats going to be a very damaging mindset to have in the long run.

>>18413394

It sounds like your crippling depression and self-hatred is the issue here, not the prostitutes. It sounds as though you have this idea that getting female affection will validate your worth as a person and not having it will validate your worthlessness.

You need professional help, anon. It sounds as though you need some serious reality adjustments to help put some of these unrealistic expectations you have of the world and of yourself into perspective.

>>18413416
My family are the only people in the world who care about me. It would be nice to have a husband but if I had to choose between romance and family I would pick family. Do I just date this guy and tell him things won't work on a date?

>>18413447

>It would be nice to have a husband but if I had to choose between romance and family I would pick family.

Then you've made your choice. Talk to him and tell him it won't work out. Be honest with him. For the record, I think your family's judgement of non-muslim people is very backwards, silly thinking but its your life.

>>18413463
What's the worst that could happen if the guy is actually serious?

>>18413468

>What's the worst that could happen if the guy is actually serious?

I have no idea.

>>18413492
If he really likes me does it mean he's willing to work through the challenges of dating me? What would you do if you fell in love with someone of a different race/religion with a not so open minded family?

They may come around eventually I think. My dad had girlfriends of many different ethnicities when he was at uni.

>>18413499

>If he really likes me does it mean he's willing to work through the challenges of dating me?

That's a conversation you need to have with him.

>What would you do if you fell in love with someone of a different race/religion with a not so open minded family?

I wouldn't let my family hold me ransom with their close mindedness. I've always been fiercely independent and there are a few sections of my family tree who aren't in contact with me because of it.

Your parents won't be alive forever and when they're gone you'll have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself whether or not the choices you made in life have been for your happiness or theirs. This is a choice you have to make on your own; live for your parents approval or live for yourself.

For the record I am severely opposed to your parents' ideology. I understand the roots of religion and tradition are deep but, personally, I could never imagine treating my child like that.

>>18413517
>I've always been fiercely independent and there are a few sections of my family tree who aren't in contact with me because of it.

Elaborate, I think you have plenty of wisdom gained from this. I'm currently in the process of growing from someone who just went along with whatever their parents wanted for them to becoming my own person.

I have an opportunity to get laid, the problem is I'm afraid of having sex. I want to but I self Sabatoge what do I do

>>18413544

Long story short there were a negative few people and situations that my family was involved with that I found didn't align with my principals and because I voiced my protest they decided they didn't want me involved in their lives anymore.

I had to make a choice; either do something I knew wasn't right or stand up for myself and possibly sacrifice my relationships because of it. Ultimately, I lost touch with some of my family but I don't regret it because staying true to myself and doing what I know is right has always been more important than anyone or anything.

The point is, parenting can be tricky but the basic premise is sharing all of your life experience with your child then letting them interpret that knowledge to create their own principals and moral center. Any good parent knows that their child will learn a lot from them but at some point they won't agree; they will be different in some ways and apart of growing with your child is learning to let them be different.

Good parenting is not loving and caring for your child only on the condition that they always agree with you; it is not forcing them to be who you want them to be by holding your relationship with them as ransom. Good parenting is not using fear and emotional manipulation to create a carbon copy of yourself; it is teaching your child to be better than you.

Like I said; religion and tradition is a very powerful family dynamic and I can respect that to a certain extent but ultimately there is a right and wrong and, in my opinion, treating your child this way is wrong.

You have to decide; live for your family's happiness or live for your own. Its much easier said than done, obviously, but I've been through it and I don't regret my choice.

>>18402538
>>18402541

this meme was never funny, kill yourselves

>>18402468
I'm on a working holiday in Japan. I have the choice between living fun in Tokyo, and going home with practically no money, or working hard in Assend, Nowhere and going home with yuge money (to me, about 1500000yen) in 6 months. I stress a lot about money, but thats because I'm a uni student, when I graduate I have pretty good job prospects so I know my money situation will change once I graduate. Despite that, my money situation is weighing on my mind.

Should I just put up with the anxiety and make the most of my trip, or should I try to deal with the anxiety by handling my money situation?

>>18413617

I can't tell you what to do but, if it were me in your situation I'd go to Tokyo. I had the best time of my life visiting Tokyo. To me, those memories are worth more than any amount of money I could think of.

>>18413571
Thanks for the post. It's given me a lot to think about.

>>18411851
Today he's acting like nothing happened and like I didn't tell him I'm done with the relationship

How do I man up and start working towards my goals? I have so many things I want to do and create yet I find it so hard to muster up the will to do it, I try to wake up early, I try to eat good, I try to stop biting my nails but it all continuously fails.

I don't want to be a loser but I can't help being one.

I don't have a job and I really need money to fuel my goals, passions and dreams yet no matter how much I search, I can't find a job. I'm 20 btw.

Pls help.

also how to get a gf

>>18413939

That is his problem, not yours. His reaction should have no impact on what your course of action is.

>>18402680
I like this advice a lot.
It's been 10 months now since the end of my first and only serious adult relationship. I've read all kinds of different "breakup advice" as well as coming to endless conclusion after conclusion on my own as I mull things over. I could never go for just trying to fuck as many other women as I can. What you've described is exactly the kind of mindset that, when I can convince myself to get into it, gives me a real sense of peace. To be able to look at the whole thing as an experience I'm glad to have had and learnt from.

That brings me to a question.
I have a natural tendency to want to always look at what 'could happen' in my life. In many cases, this is a good thing because it makes me start jotting down plans for how to improve things and it's helping with me trying to find a new job etc. With my ex, it unfortunately means I'm endlessly creating fantasy scenarios of us meeting up again or devising ways I could get in touch. As a measure to try and put my mind at rest, I've pretty much accepted that one day, when I hit the "next chapter" of my career I'll probably end up reaching out again for better or worse.
Do you think that's a dangerous thing to accept? Am I due another revelation on why I should rule that out as something I should never do?

How do I decide on an engagement ring for my gf? I have the option between a number which I think she'd like. There's one I'm leaning towards, but I'm afraid that might be more my style/choice than hers.
Wat do?
>Inb4 le marriage maymay shit

>in a 4 years relation
>everything going smoothly id say, almost never argue with each other, she is hot and smart, great sex etc
>since the last couple months i start feeling a bit different towards her
>getting bored of her? who knows
>she still loves me much more than how much i love her
>she is also going through a stressful period of her life, which means she is often sad or grumpy, which doesnt help in the few occasions where we can actually meet and stay together for a while
>few weeks ago
>really hot friend of mine starts flirting really hard with me
>i can smell how much she likes me
>every time we meet we get closer and closer both in an emotional and physical way
>i do not reject her, i just kinda flirt in a playful way because i feel like it, and i miss those feelings from the earlier stages of my relation
>my gf isnt really aware of all this

i dont know what to do. I feel confused and also like i am an awful person. I really dont want to cheat on my gf but at the same time i dont think i can break up w her as we have programmed holydays together in the upcoming weeks and we often hang out in the same groups of people and im afraid of getting cut out. I dont feel much for the hottie girl but i just cant do anything but be glad of how much she seeks me.
what do i do

also didnt read this twice, it's gonna be a mess; sorry

>>18415149

>Do you think that's a dangerous thing to accept? Am I due another revelation on why I should rule that out as something I should never do?

I can't really answer that specifically. I don't know the nature of your relationship nor can I make any kind of definitive statement about what you should "never" do. You can only really analyze your motivation for reaching out again, not the millions of possible outcomes that could result from you doing so.

You have to ask yourself why you're reaching out again and why you've decided that its your only course of action. I don't know whether or not you reaching out to her again is dangerous. What I do know is that using the fact that you've reached the "next chapter" of your life as rationalization for playing out your fantasies of meeting up with her again is dangerous.

I think you should ask yourself if you would be okay if you didn't reach out to her again; would you be able to achieve happiness if you never heard from her again. If the answer is no then I would do a bit more soul searching on this issue because reaching out because you want to versus reaching out because you need to imply two vastly different things.

>>18415285

Becoming bored or detached from your current relationship doesn't make you an awful person. Breaking up because you don't feel connected in a romantic way to someone anymore doesn't make you an awful person.

Purposefully lying to and manipulating someone who loves and trusts you because you don't want to change social circles is what would make you an awful person.

Breaking up with her and accepting the consequences of doing so is the only right thing to do and you know it. Its obvious that you're tapped out of this relationship and that is fine. She has been with you for 4 years. You owe her the honesty and respect she deserves.

Tell her you've met someone else and that you need to move on. It may hurt her and it may throw wrenches in your social circle and holiday planning but its the only right thing to do. If you truly respect your girlfriend and the time she has invested in this relationship you'll tell her the truth.

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>>18406683
Sorry I confused you. I mean I'm like the father dominant father figure. Everyone comes to me with their problems I oversee most things and stop fights/arguments. I also make the most and provide for the family.

These connections and responsibilities have hindered me from getting into a relationships cuz I'm always thinking about my family.

I understand most of the issues but I'm not sure where i should go from now.

I've been talking with some friends and I've been developing a 5 year plan. Even took the next 2 days off work to push me in that direction and mindset to actually think about the future

>>18415706

No I knew what you meant, I was just comparing how family dynamics and conditioning can affect your relationships.

5 year plan seems like a great start. I've always found that aiming for tangible benchmarks is so much easier than working towards a vague objectives.

It sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

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I'm in college and just bored with life.
The only thing that remotely interests me are riding sport bikes, guns, and movies.
I just started college so I probably have another four years and I think dying would probably be more interesting.
Also, I hate my job, and I've hated every job I've ever had, so I really don't know what to do to make my life more bearable.

I need to go to college as I want to get a work visa and live abroad, so dropping out isn't possible.

>>18415564
It's hard for me to nail down my motivation. We ended it by both saying some really nasty, spur of the moment shit to each others and completely cutting off contact. Neither of us have said anything since. It's just weird coming to terms with the fact that the last words I ever said were just ugly and reactionary, easily explained by the fact that I was hurt but it's not exactly a cause that continues to resonate with me. It's not how I'd ever like to leave a friendship, I kinda wonder why I'd make an exception here.

She'd always push me hard to get my life going, to move out of the shithole dead town I ended up living in for an underpaid job that made me miserable. She could be quite fierce with this at times and I would squirm and resist and give her XYZ reasons why achieving this was difficult. I know in retrospect she was just trying to help and probably just didn't want to see me being the sadsack that I was.

I still obviously want to do those things for me and I think I've made decent steps, but I guess I have a silly fantasy of being able to let her know that I finally managed to move ahead with my shit... and that she'd actually give a shit and like, pat me on the fucking back or something. Lol.

Anyway I'm just brain dumping now, cheers for the advice my dude.

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>>18415756
Ah okay so you think i should still go to therapy?
Also thanks for the advice this board needs more people like you. Despite all this I've been hoarding money so I'm trying to decide what to do with it (saved 10k ) . Btw how old are you ?

How can i make a successful dating profile if i have ugly face?

>>18415847

>Ah okay so you think i should still go to therapy?

Absolutely. If you really think about it there is no downside. These kinds of issues take a lot of time to talk about and work through and a therapist is the person most qualified and capable of doing that with you.

>Also thanks for the advice this board needs more people like you.

You're very welcome

>Btw how old are you ?

Lets just say a little farther over 30 than I'd like to be. Getting old has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Dear Jesus

Why does No Fap make me feel better about myself? I haven't happened in 5 days and my mind feel so clear. I don't even want to fap, for some reason i don't even want to talk to girls. It's crazy

I mildly reaggravated a tendon injury. How long until it's safe to work out again and how do I tell if there is degeneration?

>>18416079

I have no idea. Does it matter why?

>>18416107

You're going to want to consult a doctor on that one.

>>18416079
Because you realise that's more in life than the drive for sexual pleasure, there's nothing wrong on masturbating as long as your life doesn't revolve around it.

>>18415285
I might not be wise as op but let me try to give you some advice on this.

I don't know if this is your first serious relationship, but its completely normal to feel "bored" as the time passes, this mean that you stoped seeing your significant other through filters, get rid of a completely fine relationship just to relive the moment of falling in love and bonding with a person is extremely dangerous, because you will eventually end up in the same situation that you are now and contempling doing the same thing over, and over again, as soon as you start to see relationships in a realistic way, higher will be your chances of having a sucessful LTR and possible spend the rest of your days with a person.

But like op said, don't completely disregard your gf's feelings just to fulfil your needs, this is what will actually make you a terrible person.

Also, i wish people stoped trowing the word "love" so carelessly.

>>18415285
>>18416152 Here again.

>she is also going through a stressful period of her life, which means she is often sad or grumpy, which doesnt help in the few occasions where we can actually meet and stay together for a while.

This should be the moment where you should understandable and support her, and not use it as a excuse to emotionaly cheat on her, your gf is not responsible for your happiness or well-being, It is a two-way street, you must give, to receive.

I've only had sex once. This girl wants a nsa hookup. She's on the big side, but I was don since I need practice. Then she posted some more pictures and she started looking a little like my mom. I'm not sure if it's in my head. Do I go through with meeting up with her, or just drop it?

>>18416170

I can't tell you who you should and shouldn't have sex with. That's entirely up to you. If you want to go through with it and you practice safe sex then that is fine. If you decide you don't want to for whatever reason that is fine too. I really don't see any shame in either option.

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>>18402468

My whole life so far (21) feeling like shit has been my baseline. Anxious, depressed, angry, whatever - I don't like life. I'm very successful in my studies and have a few friends, never a relationship but not bad overall. My health is decent with a few nagging chronic pains that nobody knows how to fix.

As of late I've been looking in the mirror and being horrified and disgusted by my own flesh. I don't hate myself or think I'm ugly or anything, but it's really uncomfortable. I just feel so trapped and afraid.

What the fuck do I do? I've tried therapy and meds, expensive and ineffective bullshit. I get enough sleep, eat pretty well, have hobbies, walk around outside a bunch... How do I unfuck myself?

>>18416107
it's not degeneration if it's an injury you retard. If there was no swelling two weeks, to be safe just take a month off.

My friend spiked my drink with mdma after I told him I don't want any. He kept pushing, but I told him I don't want it.

After I had taken my drink, he laughed and said he spiked it, to which I got furious about and threw him out. After he seemed to feel sorry for it, I let him stay but then he got all cocky again and was like "lol its a prank bro" as well as playfighting while I was visibly irritated so I punched him in the face. He simmered down after that, but I still feel like that I went over board by punching him. I don't want to say sorry, but I feel really guilty about the whole thing. What do?

>>18416657

I wouldn't even remotely consider spending any time with anyone who slips drugs into my drinks. He get off lucky with just one punch, honestly. I'd be livid.

>>18416588

Unfortunately, therapy and medication is the only advice I have for you. It took me a long time to find the right therapist and the right medications for me but ultimately it turned my life around.

All I know is that, in my experience, I've never heard of a home remedy for clinical depression and anxiety. Putting your faith and trust into forces beyond your control is very difficult but its the only avenue in which I've found any success.

Like I said, unfortunately, this is the only answer I have for you.

>>18415596
>>18416152
>>18416169
thanks everyone for your answers

>Tell her you've met someone else and that you need to move on. It may hurt her and it may throw wrenches in your social circle and holiday planning but its the only right thing to do. If you truly respect your girlfriend and the time she has invested in this relationship you'll tell her the truth.

you are so right it hurts. But the thing is that i think i realized that it's not really being afraid of scrambling up my holyday plans or my social circle but mostly that i am scared that i will regret this, and will hurt her far more than how much she deserves. I just feel like i could simply change my mind in a couple weeks. I truly am afraid of leaving her, because i still recognize her as a wonderful person.

>This should be the moment where you should understandable and support her, and not use it as a excuse to emotionaly cheat on her

exactly, this is what makes me feel the worst. "true" cheating is out of the question but i feel like leaving her as of now would just worsen her situation, maybe make me the biggest cause of it. I try really hard but i am very bad at emphathizing with people, and i know that the fact that she has been kind of distant from me is the main reason that got me to get "bored". I just feel like if I wait everything will go back to the usual.

also I dont feel anything for the other girl, I mean i think she is just one of the means through which i can most clearly notice my actual situation. I wouldnt "leave her for the other girl", dont know if you get what i mean.

>also, i wish people stoped trowing the word "love" so carelessly.
dude no

>>18407356
Dude, literally every girl who's interested in you would tell you her ex/current bf is a jealous asshole. She'll tell the next guy the same about you while using you and then jumping ship when she feels safe with him

>>18414472
bump

Thanks OP for doing this.

I'm 18 and feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

I've never been kissed or had a girlfriend, and I'm scared that the longer I stay like this the harder it will be to actually do something in the future.

I went to an all boys highschool and never really knew any girls, and I don't know anyone at university as all my classes are huge, I don't like on campus, and my friends all go to different universities. People I see in relationships seem so happy, and I just want to experience something like that.

Do these feelings of forever-aloneness go away? Does my situation get better or am I going to be stuck this way?
What do I do to fix it?

I just went through a big breakup
First girl I ever loved
She left me cause she thought I was using her and that really hurt her
I miss her so much
She has depression and I feel like I made it worse
Now she's got a new guy it's only been over a month so I don't know what to do cause I want her back and it's hard to move on

>>18417532
>She left me cause she thought I was using her
>Now she's got a new guy it's only been over a month
Hm... and you actually believed.

>>18417532
The first breakup is supposed to hurt, but have in mind that she is not going back to you, she bullshited you to leave for another guy, that's it, take the lessons of this relationship and keep going with your life, if you cooperate, with time the pain will go away.

>>18416697

Thanks for your reply.

>>18416958

18 is a very volatile age, anon. I felt the same way when I was in school. I felt very disconnected from people my age. I can't tell you that breaking free from this pattern will be easy or comfortable but it is possible.

I had a long term girlfriend when I was in high school but honestly I didn't get back into relationships until I was around 21-22 so, don't feel like you're the only one walking around with a relationship. Its okay to have lulls, even at 18.

I'd say to start with small talk; go out of your way to just say whats up to people sitting next to you in class or even something as simple as asking for the time.

What I discovered in my early years is that if you really make an effort to put yourself out there and just say things to people at least some of them will make an effort to say things back. You don't need to have a lot of experience or social prowess to make relationships. Sometimes all you need is to make an effort. Join a club, go to an event. Be seen. Be available.

I know what you're going through right now is stifling and feels never ending but I'm telling you that loneliness festers. You have to actively fight against it or it will continue to oppress every aspect of your life. It may be uncomfortable and you may feel like an idiot walking around saying hi to people all day but trust me, if you make an attempt to seem accessible to other people making relationships becomes a lot easier and then it snowballs. First you know one person and then their friends and then their friends and so on.

You have to put yourself out there, anon, any way you can. Its very scary but its the only way.

I want to win my ex back
She moved on quickly and I just want her back cause I'm not happy without her right now and I hate seeing her with someone else

Any idea how I could do this

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>>18402468
I broke up with my girlfriend of 8 years 5 days ago. I always used her for emotional and mental support, but now I haven't really talked to her since then I'm just getting angrier and sadder without her in my life. She didn't find me attractive anymore and wanted an open relationship and I mentally couldn't take it that she was finding happiness in someone else while I felt like I was just rotting. It wasn't healthy, but now that she's gone, it feels like I've lost a leg. I don't know how to support myself without her. Is time the only thing that will make this better?

>>18402468
>>18418231

>>18415193
bump

>>18418311
thread has a lot of replies. Is he still here?

>>18418217

>Any idea how I could do this

Not really. Try to keep things in perspective, anon. I get this feeling that you only want her back because you can't have her.

You have to ask yourself where this urge is coming from. Do you want to get back with her because you actually want the relationship to work or do you want her back because doing so is the quickest and easiest solution you can think of to avoid having to get over her?

>>18418383
Food for thought I guess
I should probably give it time
I'm just really confused and I miss having her ya know

>>18418311

I don't know if I can help you with that. You know your fiancee better than anyone I assume. If she's a reasonable person I'm sure she will be at least satisfied with whatever you choose.

>>18418408
>If she's a reasonable person I'm sure she will be at least satisfied with whatever you choose.
That's true. It's just a big step and I want to make sure I make it as beautiful and memorable as possible.

It's really late. I should be sleeping by now. How can you convince me to go to bed right away?

>>18418267

Getting over any kind of routine you've been doing for 8 years will be difficult. For example, when I quit smoking I found myself for the next six months constantly holding things between my index and middle finger just because it felt comfortable. Routines are very tough to break but the nature of life demands our ability to find new ones.

To a certain extent, a lot of these feelings you have of being empty comes with the territory of acclimating to something being gone that you've had for so long.

I'm sure you've realized at this point that using her as your sole source of emotional and mental support was a huge mistake. No one person can be completely responsible for your psychological well being. I think developing a sense of self and independence is what you should be focusing on right now because you can't live life just looking for the next person that's going to complete you and give your life fulfillment and meaning. Not only is it a very unreliable way to develop self-esteem and stability but it puts an enormous amount of pressure on your significant other. You have to fight that urge you have right now to scramble for someone or something else to quickly kill the pain and sit in it for awhile. Contemplate how you got there. Look past your sadness and ask yourself how you can be a better person from it.

Unfortunately, the only thing that will help put this relationship into perspective for you is time. Time, patience, and a dedication to seek treatment for yourself so that your next relationship isn't a repeat of this one. Distance from situations lets us view them at angles we weren't able to when we were too close. I think you need a lot of distance.

It will be painful to sit back and look at your mistakes as they unfold but its so important. Its time for you to fill that empty space inside of you with something of your own creation. Don't sit around and wait for another relationship to fill it for you.

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>>18402468
Should i feel bad that the entiry of my life has been based on lies and pure luck?

Everything i ever acomplished in my life has been either by lying a lot or by dumb luck, everything that i try to apply myself fails miserably most if the time so i feel like i dont really deserve what i got in life.

>>18418407

>I'm just really confused and I miss having her ya know

Absolutely. I've been through it more than a few times. With enough time you'll begin to come to terms with it. Its a natural reaction for us to want to run back into our old habits and comforts when confronted with pain but more often than not it dooms us to repeating the same mistakes.

>>18418277

Personally, I really prefer not to spend time around those kinds of people. It really reminds me of my high school years when it was standard procedure to smile and be really nice to people's faces and then as soon as they're gone talk about them like they're garbage.

I prefer not to spend time with them because if they are so easily capable of switching allegiances with other people then I assume that my turn could be any time. Why would I want to invest myself in someone so volatile and unpredictable?

I don't get any kind of enjoyment out of treating people like shit or watching other people get treated like shit nor am I okay with remaining silent while those things happen around me. Those aren't the kind of people I want to associate myself with. I'm too old to still be explaining to my family and friends why I still hang out with assholes.

>>18418469
Thanks for the advice I need to stop chasing the impossible and focus on myself

>>18418464

>Should i feel bad that the entiry of my life has been based on lies and pure luck?

I'd say feeling bad about that is a pretty natural reaction. Not being able to be proud about how you've lived your life is a very heavy feeling; especially if the only social tool you're really comfortable with utilizing is deception.

I can imagine that after a long enough time it feels very isolating to realize that nobody really knows who you are.

>>18418449
Thank you, we still want to be friends, but I think maybe some time just to work on myself will be good. I never really did try to support myself when I had her. I hope this will be good for me because it just sucks, she is a habit, a really bad habit.

>>18418726

>we still want to be friends

This should be the last thing on your mind. You had a very dysfunctional relationship with her so the priority should be acclimating to life without that relationship.

I'm a 33 year old career less male. I'm depressed and dealing with a 2nd dui and mandatory month long jail time. After all this legal bullshit is over should I just get a vocational job or try to finish a 4 year degree. Just wanna get my life back on track, feel times slipping away.

I'm currently living with my parents at 25. My father won't get off my case about me finding a full time job with my degree. I don't even like what I got a degree so I don't want to look for a job with it. Currently, have a part time job as a cashier that I've had for the past 10 years and that makes me happy enough. Additionally, I have an anxiety disorder which makes it hard for me to do jobs that involve responsibility. How do I get my dad to leave me alone without moving out?

>>18419101

>How do I get my dad to leave me alone without moving out?

You don't. Focusing on changing the behavior of the people around you is a fruitless endeavor. The only person you have control over is you.

this girl keeps sitting next to me in class and i think she keeps looking my way but never talks to me. its a small class of about 20 people so im not sure its a coincidence, does this mean anything

>>18402536
>OP post with a trip
>doesn't post with a trip
>NOT OP by the way

Nice job, dipshit.

>>18419201
What do I do then? Do I move out?

How do I switch gears in life?

I went to art school as I was encouraged to "follow my dreams" - meme.

Here's the twist. I am successful and I like the work. Here's the second twist. I fucking hate the life style of an artist and I wanna fucking die. The hours are ungodly, you live on unstable stability, you make good money, but never feel safe, I will never ever have the option to raise a family or settle down. I fucking hate the big city, and it's nearly impossible to maintain relationships. You have no decision in were to live or were to work, the field just takes you. I'm lucky to be holding on to my gf of 3 years.

All I ever wanted was to settle down and own my own home. I fucking hate having to go out drinking all the time just to maintain networking connections.

I should've went into trades or something, now I'm an animator and it fucking sucks balls let me tell you. Nobody ever tells you that your "dream job" comes at the cost of selling off a normal life.

I would be fine with hating my job and liking my life. I think people that "hate there job" are just boring people. My friends tell me they are bored with how stable their lives are and that they have boring free time. That sounds fucking great to me, if you have free time and you're bored, you are boring.

Should I get out or am I having grass is greener syndrome?

any reason why my post was the only one that got skipped out?

was looking forward to your response man. oh well

Can most emotional situations be ridden by letting them ride out?

>>18419557
>Nobody ever tells you that your "dream job" comes at the cost of selling off a normal life.

Thats a statement your parents should have brought up. You sound like you had parenting growing up. But hey guess what? Your an adult now and you can make career changes. At least you have the professional experience on animation. Not a whole of people can say that.

Business owner here, and I'm about to fire one of my closest associates for neglecting his duties in favor of another job he's constantly asked me not to worry about (well now he's made it clear he wants to collapse everything he's helped build).

The gf is having doubts about whether or not I can run this business anymore and, considering how rocky things have gotten between us about our future and whatnot, I haven't told her I'm firing another person from the company. It's been choking me a lot how I can't share bad news with her lest she decides to leave me. I still love her and I still get indications she still loves me too but I feel she has to fight herself (and me) to convince herself to stay with me. I've offered her the chance to break up several times but I always promised her I wouldn't give up easily - it's her I feel suffering more doubt. I just keep feeling life would be easier if I didn't have to hide bad news and constantly fear abandonment by others if I trouble them with it.

So now it's past 3 in the morning and I'm up watching and rewatching NGE 26, constantly focusing on answering stupid questions like "what defines your worth?" and "should I continue to exist?"

I'm new to weed but it's recently gotten my brain thinking about these things more and more. I've gotten less scared of these thoughts but my insecurities (and arguing with others all the time) have started overwhelming me and my relationships.

Before I completely give up and pursue professional help (in this shithole of a country overrun by "positive psychology" and pills), I wanna know from you guys if there are any options I haven't explored that can at least help calm down these nightmares of cognition and suicidal thoughts I'm drowning in, or even better - solve these thoughts and doubts for myself once and for all.

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all of these "ex's" posts. Don't fucking get back, it ended for a reason, stop being a cuck. Plenty of fish in the sea you haven't met that would make do a 180

>>18419557
When i was a kid i asked my father:

>Dad do you like your job?

He answered with:

>I love the life that my job allows me to have.

He works at the same job for 25+ years, 5 days a week, 6~7 hours a day.

We never had to move out, me and my brothers
grow having our father around instead of seeing him only on bed time.

I want to follow the same path, find a job who allows me to have a confortable and stable life without having to stress out constantly, i never had any particular career path on my mind so i think that it make things easier for me, but you should really put on a weighing-machine
how much you like your job and how much your hate your lifestyle and see whats weighs more.

How do I meet new friends and possibly get a gf?
I'm not in school anymore, I don't have any social hobbies (I like reading, video games and films), can't meet anyone at work, my city is too small for online dating or sites like meetup to work.

>>18418892
I took your advice. Told her we shouldn't talk or interact for a long while. I hope it helps. Thank you.

>>18421044

>How do I meet new friends and possibly get a gf?

>I don't have any social hobbies

It seems like those two things are at odds with each other. You can't expect to have a social life if you make no effort to be social.

Also, what is the population of your city?

>>18421266

No problem, anon. Good luck. Stay strong.

>>18421318
>You can't expect to have a social life if you make no effort to be social
I know.
I wouldn't mind picking up a new hobby, but I just don't know what.
There's nothing that really interests me.

>Also, what is the population of your city?
Around 140 000

Hello. Well, it's actually a very common story about "my ex left me for someone else". We've been together for 7 years. About 6 months ago, he broke up with me because he found someone that makes him more comfortable. It got me confused. A week before, he was the one who told me that he'll propose this year. And by the end of that month, I found out 'the girl' he was talking about is my own close friend.


I know that I need to move on, and I have too. But it's heartbreaking just to think that they are happy and so much in love. I don't know how get rid of that thought. I've tried almost everything. Reading, hiking, get out of my routine, make new friends, new jobs, sports, etc. Even 2 boyfriends later, I'm still miserable.


What I want to ask is, will he regret his decision? does karma works? (I cried in my room most of the time, and not even once I tried to contact him in anyway)


P.S. I am sorry for dumping a boring story.. But I really need a friend right now..

>>18421773

>Around 140 000

Ok, so, your city is the opposite of too small for online dating. I get the feeling you're kind of purposefully psyching yourself out to avoid rejection which is a very natural reaction but I'd be remiss if I didn't call you on that statement.

And again, I'm curious about the statement "there's nothing that interests me". I have a hard time believing that you have absolutely no interests however it would be a lot easier for me to believe that you convince yourself you don't have any interests so you can justify not leaving your house.

This is all speculation, mind you, but I really get the feeling that your biggest obstacle in developing a social life is you. I get the impression that you tell yourself a lot of things won't work or aren't worth the effort to avoid the risk of failure or disappointment.

I think it would behoove you to have an honest conversation with yourself about whether or not your problems are external or internal. From what you're trying to tell me the problem is your surroundings and your circumstances but I think some part of you knows that isn't the case.

>>18421892

Grief often acts as horse-blinders. Our focus becomes so singular that we fail to notice anything other than the object of our lamentation. Grief becomes even more complicated when the person who has wronged you is able to achieve happiness and you haven't.

Situations like these are honestly the hardest to get over because, for all intents and purposes, you never wanted to get over it to begin with, you know what I mean? You wanted to be happy and share your life with person and the plans were suddenly changed without your consent in a very cruel way.

I can only share my personal experiences of loss with you but, as I've stated in previous posts, the practice of trying to fill that empty space in your life with boyfriends or hiking or random sports and activities is usually a great way to pass the time, but it isn't a cure. In a lot of ways, that hole in you never really fills back up again, but scars over and becomes a permanent part of your inner landscape.

I don't mean for that to sound so depressing but for me, embracing the loss was crucial to moving past it. "Embrace" is a very vague term, I know, but to me it meant talking about it with people, taking steps to address the specific wrongs I felt I had been dealt and most importantly learning to provide myself with the support that had previous been provided by my significant other.

Unfortunately, only time will blow these feelings over however, sitting in your room and crying is not how you should spend that time. Don't get rid of the thought of them together, accept it. This is what is happening now and now the only question left is what is next for you? Grief is a great time for hard introspection, to contemplate how we can right our wrongs; don't spend so much time hiking and reading that you forget to spend some time with yourself, if you know what I mean.

Unless you allow yourself to acclimate to these feelings they will continue to haunt you. Acceptance, anon, not repression.

>>18421892
Goin through this RIGHT now sister, one of the reasons i'm lurking this board.

Stay strong i was in a relationship for about 7 years and just recently (2 months) she broke up with me cause she didn't "feel it anymore"

A month later she's with some dude. Still can't get her out of my head, i really thought she was the one.

Sorry for the ramble but you're not alone. Stay strong don't let that fucker back in. He's not worth it

I feel as if life is too painful and I honestly want to die. Even if I have good times it will always be bookended by pain and loss. How do I get over these feelings. It's troubling how comforting the thought of death is.

>>18422191
>your city is the opposite of too small for online dating
I'm not sure about that.
I tried all the popular sites and there were barely a few dozen women who were active.
At least 90% of them were hideous and the rest weren't my type at all.

I think I just got lucky with my ex (met her online, but not on a dating site).

>I have a hard time believing that you have absolutely no interests
I do have interests, but they're all solo activities.

>I get the impression that you tell yourself a lot of things won't work or aren't worth the effort to avoid the risk of failure or disappointment
Yeah, that's exactly what I do.
I've always had low expectations for everything so I don't get disappointed.

>>18422315

>At least 90% of them were hideous and the rest weren't my type at all.

I'd like you to really read this sentence well and take note of its implications.

What you're trying to say is that, of all the women you encountered on these sites, 90% of them weren't good looking enough for you and the other 10% weren't your type.

I need you to understand that you just told me 100% of the women you found on online dating weren't even remotely worth considering interacting with. 100% of the women weren't worth your time.

Do you understand how dysfunctional that sounds? This attitude you have is so damaging, anon, that completely writes of people before you even give them a chance. I have a very very difficult time believing that 90% of the women just weren't good looking for you. That really screams avoidance to me. This seems like another example of you convincing yourself that all of the opportunities in your life are unfeasible to justify avoiding them.

This is the key to your loneliness I think. Your avoidance; your constant subconscious urge to justify your inaction. At first I thought this was manifesting as a superiority complex of the sorts but I think this is more of a knee jerk "hurt them before they hurt me" mentality.

I'd really recommend some kind of structured therapy. You've gotten into some very unhealthy thinking patterns and you need some guidance on how to change those patterns.

>>18402468
I'm 26, male, been friendzoned, been ghosted, had a couple of relationships that had ups and downs.

I'm currently improving myself, cleaning myself out of smoking, drugs and stuff like that.
I'm not too much of an outside person but I'm also trying to change that.

I'm in the mood of not wanting to give a fuck about relationships or hooking up while I'm improving myself, I feel like I'm on a roll but I started to like it so much that I'm afraid I will waste my chances because I'm so focused on myself.

I want to know if this is relatable or something, I feel like I'm taking a path that no one around me considers, my friends are always chasing after one girl or another. My social self gets anxious sometimes because I'm slightly afraid of becoming an outcast even if I feel complete by myself.

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How do I develop a so-called work ethic? How do I learn to work hard, and, what's most important, get results?

4chan and media have ruined me.

Now, I realize this. I've been a shit beta orbiter in highschool, the girl did me a favor and crushed me. Life picked up since then and I even have a hot gf in my life.

However, I hate and distrust women so much that it is affecting our relationship on a real level. Since I decided to get my shit together I don't spew chan shit in public anymore for attention. I control and censor almost every aspect of it. However, this thing with women has been ingrained on a subconscious level and I am doing it subconsciously to my gf. Main problem is the trust issues, I just can't bring myself to trust her. I want to, nobody deserves to be scrutinized and controlled. The other is just defaulting into a mindset where she does something stupid and I attribute it to her being a woman, get kinda mad at her for being a woman and then we fight.

How do I get it out of my head?

>>18422402

I'll try to break this down into points.

Firstly, I don't see anything wrong with taking a break from relationships while you focus on yourself. I think making the choice not not to burden yourself and another person with the weight of your dysfunction while you get it sorted is a solid idea.

Secondly, I think your attitude about this transitional period you're in is the most important factor in processing it appropriately. Lets be honest, your problem is not being friend-zoned or ghosted. Your problem is that you've willingly participated, most likely through no conscious fault of your own, in dysfunctional relationships with dysfunctional women. The key is not to put the emphasis on how other people have fucked you up but more on how you have historically been attracted to fucked up people. The common denominator in your love life is you so do your best to look inward as much as possible.

Thirdly, not being at the same place in life as your friends has no bearing on what you have to do to take care of yourself. If anyone chastises or ousts you for chasing after girls because you're too busy addressing your mental health and sobriety then they aren't people worth having in your life.

28. I've always been kind of an underachiever. Failed out of college, have been working since. Lost my job in January, and I don't really see the point in going back to work anymore. I'm qualified only for low skill labor with meager pay. Then what? Try and kill time in the least agonizing way possible until I die. It seems utterly wretched. What's the point? How do other people just know what they want to do?

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This is a question about a serious addiction affecting a family member, I'd rather not have only joke answers. Suppose someone is suffering from internet addiction. We know that it changes your brain in terms of dopamine releases, cravings, etc. There are even internet rehabs in places like China and Korea, which I can't afford, so the only method I have really is to block this person's access to the internet router and I have to guess how long would be enough, and I have little knowledge about this disorder.

How many weeks of no internet use will it take to safely say the person's brain is no longer visibly affected by the effects of internet addiction?

>>18422341
>I'd really recommend some kind of structured therapy
Yeah, I've always known I needed help.
I'm just too stubborn to actually ask for it.

I've been depressed on and off for nearly 10 years now.
I feel like I've hit rock bottom, I've seriously considered suicide multiple times in the last few weeks.

I've been thinking about starting to work out since it supposedly helps with depression, but I know it's just a way for me to avoid seeking help.

>>18422435

I'll do my best to be as concise about this as possible.

Firstly, lets cut through the bullshit. You and I both know you don't hate women. You may think you do but deep down we both know the source of your anger has nothing to do with most women or even your girlfriend. The source of your anger comes from prolonged fear; the fear that you won't be good enough or strong enough or sexy enough or smart enough to deserve the love and affection of a good woman.

This fear in you is so strong that your mind's answer to this quandary is to develop a defense mechanism that dictates you reject and dehumanize women before they get a chance to do it to you.

This defense mechanism has been instilled in you as a response to the rejection and insignificance you felt in your formative years.

You have to get off of 4chan, first and foremost. The last thing you need right now is an echo chamber to validate your dysfunctional thought process. Secondly you have to be honest with yourself.

Its time to stop pretending and avoiding and falsely equivocating and look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you're angry because you're afraid. You're afraid that if you trust her she'll hurt you. You're afraid that if you don't belittle her now she'll do the same to you later. You're afraid of being alone and, even worse, deserving to be so.

I can sense from the way you talk you already know there's something wrong with you but you just can't put your finger on it. Your issue is a lack of willingness to be vulnerable. That's where all this red-pill anger comes from. Years of being hurt and feeling invisible have hardened you into an unforgiving, blunt mindset that can only deal with its fears by hurting other people.

Its time to admit the truth to yourself and then find someone to talk to about it. Your problem is very common, but the most important thing you can do from here out is take steps to soften the protective shell you've built for yourself, not harden it.

>>18422483

The issue is not just knowing what you want to do but being willing to work towards it. Its one thing to have a vision of a perfect job and a perfect life and feel sorry for yourself for not having it. Its a completely different thing to have that vision and be willing to endure years of work and toil to achieve it.

The meaning of aimlessness is more literal that you would think, anon. Without a goal you have doomed yourself to a life of drifting. You don't have to develop a 10 year plan but maybe it would be helpful to at least plan a month ahead, then six months, then a year. Point yourself in some kind of direction, anon.

It doesn't matter how hard you work, if its not working towards anything chances are you're going to feel like shit.

>>18422493

There is no cure to addiction. There is treatment and management but no cure.

Here are the facts; if this person doesn't want to get treatment, they won't get better. You could chain them to a radiator but without a genuine urge to change their lives they won't change.

The second fact is that without a support system in place, they will fail in their recovery. Trying to recover from anything on your own yields absolutely dismal success rates.

The last fact is that this internet addiction is probably just a symptom of a greater disorder meaning that, chances are this person is probably not completely mentally healthy other than their internet addiction. Something bigger is at play here and it just so happens to be manifesting in the form of compulsive behavior.

My point is that, one way or another, they need professional help and most important they have to be the ones who want it, not you.

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>>18422501
Fuck man, you are right.
I'm on the verge of crying. It's true.
I'm gonna talk to someone, thanks.

>>18422494

Then I think you're at a bit of an impasse here, anon.

I think you've spent the last decade smashing all the mirrors of your soul to avoid looking at yourself and its seems to me that at this point you're just tired.

This impasse you've arrived at dictates one of two things; are you going to use the last bit of your emotional energy going to the gym and avoiding your problems again or are you going to finally admit to yourself that you're tired of rock-bottom and you want to get better?

I feel like I haven't said anything you don't already know. You don't seem like a dumb man to me. You just seem crushed. For whatever its worth I'm pulling for you, anon. I really think you can find the courage in yourself to seek help. There is no shame in needing help.

>>18422520

No problem. Nothing you're feeling is wrong. Its okay to be afraid. I only know all of these things because I've been through it. I was you. Thankfully, I sought help for my issues before they consumed me and the years taught me better.

I'm just here to be the person I never had when I was your age and tell you that there is hope. Nothing is permanent unless you let it. I believe in you, anon.

>>18422527
>at this point you're just tired
I really am. I'm so tired of everything.

>There is no shame in needing help
I know there isn't, I'm not ashamed at all.
I just can't bring myself to do it.
I just want to wait like an idiot and either die from it or magically get better (which won't happen, I know).

Sometimes I wish I could give my life to someone who's terminally ill and actually wants to live.

>>18422515
>Point yourself in some kind of direction, anon.
What direction would that be? There's nothing I particular want to do other than avoid suffering.

>>18422555

Its all up to you from here on out, anon. You know what you have to do. At this point its just whether or not you push yourself to do it.

>>18422563

I don't know what your mental health issues look like, anon, but what I do know is that living life without any purpose or goal is instinctually going to feel like shit.

I don't know what direction to point you in because you have to decide that on your own. You say you just want to avoid suffering but life is more complicated than that. You can't hope to just remain stationary, not work to achieve anything in your life and expect to be content.

You have to ask yourself a bunch of questions at this point; what are you interested in? what kinds of things do you enjoy doing? what kinds of jobs do you see yourself doing? Start simple. It may be difficult to answer these questions but the point is you can't develop a direction for yourself until you at least form a rough idea of what you want.

>>18422515
Thanks for the answer. This person kinda wants to try it (block his internet access), it's not like he's completely resistant to it. The greater problem that's unrelated to this internet addiction is that he is making a major life decision (whether to divorce or not for some other woman, as he's a hopeless idealistic romantic) but I fear that he is not able to make a completely rational decision about this at the moment because of the effects on his brain of this internet addiction (see below).

From this website,
http://www.internetaddictioncure.com/internet-addiction-effects

he clearly has at least these three symptoms
>-Avoiding family and friends (reduction in social life): people who become addicted to the internet often go out less frequently and interact with their friends and family less and less overtime.
even though his wife loves him and does pretty much everything for him (he's unemployed and has just been spending all day on his computer for at least 3 years now), whether it be paying the bills, cooking, going hiking together every weekend, etc.

>-Time distortion: aimless web surfing or play online games is common among internet addicts who may find that time passes rapidly whilst doing these activities. Internet addicts become so wrapped up in what they are doing online they fail to notice all the time that has gone by.

>-Escapism and dissociation: becoming heavily involved in an online community or videogame may be used as a way to escape the problems that users are currently facing. For example, someone might become excessively involved in an internet community based around a videogame, or an online social network and they use this as a crutch to avoid having to deal with face to face interactions in the ‘real world’.

I want him to have no internet access for a while so that his brain chemistry, which I believe to be all scrambled atm, is "unscrambled" enough so he can make a rational decision about divorce. He is very dissociated.

>>18422576

So, as I stated before it sounds as though he has a lot of issues outside of his compulsive internet use that might be contributing to it.

If he's a willing participant in this "no internet access" idea I don't see how it could hurt but I really feel like an emphasis still needs to be put on finding him a long term treatment option for the rest of his issues.

Like I said, without a support system in place a few weeks without internet won't be a permanent fix. Its just putting a bandaid on the wound without treating the wound itself.

>>18421892
>>18422255
>>18418267

Well looks like this anon >>18420500 was right, that shit is kinda scary.

>>18422224
>most importantly learning to provide myself with the support that had previous been provided by my significant other
Ok

>Don't get rid of the thought of them together, accept it.
For this one, I think deep inside I know that it's the right step to move on (and very necessary). But I can't, maybe not yet. And somehow, everything you said about 'acceptance' suddenly make sense. Maybe you're right, I need more time until "I get there". Until then, I'll try to embrace the agony of grief. To learn to accept (even though at this very moment it seems somewhat impossible).

Thank you for the response. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that.


>>18422255
You too! Please stay strong! Hopefully, I won't take him back.

>Still can't get her out of my head, i really thought she was the one.
Exactly!! Oh Anon.. I am so sorry it happened to you too.. I don't know what to say. Remember, don't contact her in anyway. I hope you're better than me in handling all of those emotions and get better soon. Have a nice day, Anon.

Someone please advice me on this:

>23
>handsome, aesthetic, solid 9/10
>dating the same girl since 17
>she is also beautiful and athletic and hot
>first gf, first sex
>she is a great gf, we really get along
>i love her, she loves me

if i were near 40 i'd have already married and made babies with her, however, I feel like i'm wasting my youth dating
I'm on the moment of the relationship that fucking her isn't the same anymore
I feel like I need new pussy, it's something primal, I can't tell

I don't want to cheat on her, I think that is a terrible thing to do, yet I can't tell if it is worth ending a relationship for casual sex

I feel like shit typing this, but I cant help but feeling the urges to fuck that qt in my office always talking sweetly to me
I want to cuddle my girl at night but i still want to fuck that hot gf on the subway who stared at my eyes for 10s yesterday

I need a man advice please

>>18423067

Nothing wrong with needing more time. I'm glad I could be helpful.

>>18423113

I'll start by saying that the bulk of your issue is going to require some hard thinking and commitment to making a decision.

This is what I'll add to the list of things to consider; be aware of the fact that "the grass is always greener" relationship mentality isn't an uncommon occurrence in relationships. Just because you hop to a new girl doesn't mean you won't eventually get acclimated in a relationship and have the urge to wander. It happens a lot and, to a certain extent, being in a long term relationship means dealing with those feelings as they arise.

The last thing I'll say is that being with someone from 17 to 23 is a pretty heavy burden and I can understand your conflict. Typically, people do a lot of exploring and experimenting in their 20's just to test the waters of what they do and don't want in a relationship. Fucking up relationships and dating and making mistakes is how we gather wisdom and perspective in our younger years. Eventually, we use the knowledge we've gathered in those failed relationships to invest in a successful one; or at least a genuine attempt at a successful one. I'm not saying its impossible to maintain a relationship from 17 on but I will say that a lot of people struggle without having any point of reference to compare their relationship to.

All in all I'd say you have some hard thinking to do. Obviously cheating on her is not an option. You have to decide whether the risk is worth the reward, so to speak. I can't answer that for you.

>>18423113
Having sexual urges is completely normal at this age buddy, but the reason why you don't find fucking her instering anymore is because she is a constant in your life, you want to fuck someone new to validate your narcissism, that's why described yourself as a 9/10 when this isn't even relevant to the subject, you're not "wasting your youth" if you're happy with her, plain and simple, sex should be enjoyed in its pure form instead of being used as a self-esteem boost, but i will give you some suggestions on how to proceed in this situation.

>1: Ask her for an open relationship(probably not going to end well)
>2:Stop feeding those fantasies and focus on your gf again to try to reignite the spark(going on dates more frequently and trying new things in bed could be a good way to do it)
>3:Realise that you're young and imature to settle down definitely anyway, dump her and go "figure yourself out"(have in mind there's a high chance of you regreting it after you killed your curiosity).

>>18423220
I don't want to be 40 and only having fucked a girl in my entire life
But I don't know when to end the relationship
I feel like it's going to be a huge emotional pain even if i get a threesome the next day after the breakup

I don't have the slightest reason to break up with her except these cravings for new women

>>18423252

1 - no respectable man maintains a non-monogamous relationship

2 - the spark is alive, hell it's flaming. my relationship is not dying, nor is it bad. I just want to experiment other girls

3 - Bro you really have a bad perspective for my single life, don't you? Tell me about you, do you miss her anon?

how do i tell my father i don't want to keep the family business going on?

i work at our veterinary clinic as the receptionist. always wanted to be a singer, my boyfriend encourages me to, but at 25 i don't think there is a chance for me anymore

How do you put yourself out there when college isn't an option?

Simply put my major is a sausage fest, and the one woman I was interested in from there has a boyfriend it turns out. I'm pretty content with my life, but it's just dominated by male interests. I'm reaching a point where it feels like my only options are to deal with online dating or that cold approach crap.

>>18423281
Dude you're not only narcissistic, but you're also an asshole, i was just giving suggestions based on possible outcomes, nothing but projections, instead your prefered to take it as an ofense and make fun of me, i'm not doubting that your 9/10 ass would fuck as many girls as you want, but you have to at least consider other outcomes.

>>18423289

I like online dating. I've had a lot of success. I don't really understand the shame people attach to it. Its just a tool to meet people I wouldn't have the opportunity to meet in real life.

>>18423286

Tell him with honesty. There really is no other way.

>>18423360
>I don't really understand the shame people attach to it.
It's not a matter of shame to me. It's just that it's a lot of effort for little payback from what I've seen. I've looked at my female friends messages, and I'll admit her inbox is filled up with weirdos. But there's a lot less you can do to stand out initially.

It's not like it's off the table for me. Just more of a last resort.

>>18423366
>I've looked at my female friends messages, and I'll admit her inbox is filled up with weirdos. But there's a lot less you can do to stand out initially.
The only thing that will make you stand out is looks, or at least fitting the said girl personal standards, being a weirdo while thinking that you're standing out for having game is just delusional, it almost never works.

>>18423392
>being a weirdo while thinking that you're standing out for having game is just delusional, it almost never works.
I'm not claiming it does. More like if she got 50 messages and the first 5 are just buggers trying to get casual sex when she clearly stated that's not what she wants, she'd be inclined to just delete all of them rather than read each one on the off chance one of them is reasonable.

Or maybe not, I'm admittedly making a few assumptions here.

>>18423366

Being a weirdo is not exclusive to the internet. I don't feel like online dating is that difficult at all. Granted I haven't made a ton of lasting connections but I could say the same thing about my real life connections.

Focus less on "standing out" and more on being you. You're not trying to sell yourself, you're just looking to hook up with people you have things in common with. I'd say the key, if anything, is to not take yourself too seriously.

This is just my experience. I'd recommend looking at online dating as a tool more useful than a last resort if I were you. If you approach it the right way it can be a lot of fun.

>>18423399
>More like if she got 50 messages and the first 5 are just buggers trying to get casual sex when she clearly stated that's not what she wants.

Now i'm curious, what app is she using? please, don't say Tinder.

>>18423405
Okcupid. No one I know actually talks about using Tinder anyways.

>>18423404
>Being a weirdo is not exclusive to the internet.
Of course, my point was more that it's easier to show you're well balanced in the real world and in turn get your foot in the door.

>If you approach it the right way it can be a lot of fun.
I'll keep that in mind. I've attempted to make a profile a couple of times in the past but just lost my enthusiasm halfway into it.

How to get rid of feelings for someone and still be friends with them?

>>18423420
Spend less time with the said person, focus on other things and other people.

>>18423360
How do you have success with online dating?
I can't get a single reply.
Honestly at 27 I've just about lost all hope of ever having a relationship with a woman.

>>18423445
Hmm. Good point.

>>18402468
How do you stop caring about what other people think.

>>18423448

Honestly, my profile was just kind of a joke. I posted a couple pictures of me doing things, not just smiling into a camera like a weirdo. My bio was "Its bobsled time" for nearly 6 months and I got messages just asking me about that alone. Also, for the record, I'm not much of a looker, I'm just really too old to try to sell myself to women like I'm some kind of product. I never took the whole thing seriously and I think women picked up on that. I'm not really a fan of taking myself too seriously or interacting with people who do.

>>18423255
don't know if you're still here, but eh

I was in a similar situation last year, except we had been together for far less than you two, and there were also other problems.

I'm not going to give you an answer, but my experience is that once you get that "crave" out of your system, once you lose the stability you felt was keeping you trapped, it's not as easy as you thought it would have been. 6 years is a long, long time, especially in those formative years. If everything is going fine I don't think the reward is worth the risk.
What you could do is try to steer the conversation to trying different people (open relationship, occasional swing, whatever), but don't rush such a big decision because your dick says so

My grandfather is a convicted pedophile. He was charged twice and may have many more that has been unreported. I just realized that he has a couple pictures of my brother and I naked when we were about 4 and 6 years old. Should that be reported?

>>18402468
Hope you're still here:
>22 this summer
>2nd year of university (in total it takes 9 semesters) already changed major once, but still not overly happy
>plan to go through with what i've chosen tho
>in order to get employed i'd basically need straight As, but can't get motivated to study, so haven't been doing well enough till now
>not a single friend in uni, terribly anxious
>only went out 3 times this year with the same hs friend
>eating disaorder as a teen, slowly gaining weight to the point of being overweight
>every single day i want to start anew, but always fail!
>never had a boyfriend, not even kissed

Lately i've been lying in bed all day, i can't be arsed to study, i can't even do basic things like brushing my teeth. Every single day i tell myself that tomorrow i'll eat less, study, dress nicely, don't be so paranoid blabla but than i just feel horrbly depressed in the morning, it's a cicle of hell. I'm completey wasting my youth!