Is it possible to stay friends with your X's?

>>18394268
No its not OP. Why do we have to have this same question answered every single day

>>18394268
>Does it work for men and women to have a positive friend based relationship after shit goes south?

Sure. But only after a period of time where old habits are broken and everyone has had the time and space to move on.

>I'm a creature of habit.

Out of your own words, you are not allowing for this to happen.

I am the girl in this situation and I know I can't handle talking to him. I've had issues for years, some are because of him, some aren't, we both have been with each other through some tough shit and it brought us down mentally, but he just decided one day I'm nothing like what he wants, so he brought another girl home. I think it was the only way he thought he could end it without me trying to convince him to stay, he didn't seem to think it through now and is just saving face and trying to find himself by hooking up with random sluts and doing drugs with them or something. I'm absolutely devastated, I have dreams about him, insane mood swings, mixtures of moods I can barely handle, there is no fucking way there can be friendship there but we both want it out of habit. If I *don't* talk to him it will still probably follow me for the rest of my life, if I do, I can't even survive.

>>18394283

Why does this take time though? The friendship part of our relationship was good, why is it so difficult to just shave off the bad and keep the good?

>>18394308
Because you can't deconstruct the relationship like that. It was something different for her than it was for you. For you, it was always more like a FWB situation. You're in the position to more or less choose how you feel, she isn't. It's not fair to her to try and pretend she's ok with it when it's tearing her up inside.

>>18394311
it 100% is girls don't deserve jack shit

>>18394313
>this person should force themselves to be my friend against their own interests so I can feel better about faking a relationship with them

>>18394298

How does one hash things out with girls who can't handle talking? My X used to always tell me she was afraid to talk to me, without offering any explanation or suggestions to let me in on addressing her insecurities. As our relationship got worse, we talked less and less and less, despite me constantly insisting we talk more because that's how you solve problems. She wouldn't pick up the phone, do any kind of calls and recently even text me back frequently enough to have a 15 minute conversation about anything. It's so frustrating because I'm a caring person I just don't seem to get a chance.

>>18394308

Because that is not how human psychology works.

Fuck that's not how the UNIVERSE works

In order to start something new and different, it is always easier to start from scratch, than to try to separate the old from the new. You will never be able to separate 100% of the two parts either.

>>18394325
>My X used to always tell me she was afraid to talk to me, without offering any explanation or suggestions to let me in on addressing her insecurities.
if you ever gave her dismissive replies whenever she tried, like you felt she was embellishing her feelings for attention or something you probably were partially right but also didn't really take the time to listen, because you just weren't that invested. But that doesn't seem like the case here, it seems like she was just being distant because she didn't want to annoy you. Maybe she was worried that's how you'd react eventually.

>>18394311

Nah, it was more serious to me than FWB, I honestly would have proposed to her if we had lasted a few more years. She just showed me her true colors in the last 6 months and my opinion of her as an intimate partner has changed. I feel like it has been mutual. She's the one originally who ended the relationship. It just sucks now because we both don't have very many friends and I know that at our core we click pretty well on things and it feel ridiculous to me how she seems unable to keep me as a good friend. We were best friends for four whole freakin' years.

>>18394326

>is not how human psychology works.

Maybe female psychology? Because to me is seems like a cake walk to continue being friends with the subtraction of the corny hand holding and late night drunk sex. We used to do a fuckton of fun stuff together like hanging out at the beach and eating cool food around town. What is it that is so blocking that she is incapable of letting go and trying to have some fun with me. That's all that friendship really is.

>>18394337

Nope. I've always listened to her and responded to her with an attention to detail. I was extremely invested at one point. I remember once we named our future kids and shit. It was all in for awhile there. Things changed much later, but the communication was always awkward. I've never met somebody in my entire life with such poor communication skills. It makes me anxious because she gives me silence bullshit often and that can mean lots of different things given the context and the amount of time that passes. I wonder every day, why can't people just be normal-ish and talk their shit out?

>>18394378
It seems like you were emotionally distant and probably a little selfish toward the end because you were getting sick of her mental issues. It's not like she was handling them properly so you can't be expected to take them on forever with no sign of improvement. This is the difficult truth I'm facing now, if I had just done it while I was with them I wouldn't have to do it now with 0 support, no friends and family members that just think going outside will make it all go away.

>>18394408

I honestly believe she'll never find someone as kind and accommodating of her mental issues as I was. I never judged her when I first saw the cuts on her wrist, I never said she looked any less attractive even when it was obvious she was gaining weight. This may sound arrogant but I sure as heck was an emotionally close dude in her life willing to stretch my facial expressions in whichever direction was necessary to keep her satisfied. But, that wasn't enough after all to keep our intimate life going. Even though I've come to grips with the fact she'll never be mature enough to explain to me why she's shut down on me, I still feel like our friendship should be capable of existing. It's almost as if she's just been changing into this stone cold person and I've been observing sadly from a distance.

>>18394433
You probably have a better chance of being friends with her a while from now if you just keep your distance. It's not like there was cheating or much emotional abuse, chances are she knew you're not a therapist and that her problems would eventually push you away. It's easier than getting better after all.

>>18394268
If you still have feelings for her (which I assume you do because she broke up with you), you should give it time first. I'm not listening to my own advice though, still trying to be friends with my ex I'm in love with hoping to win her back, but I doubt that will happen and when she moves on to someone else I will be devastated and prolly have to get space from her before I can continue being in her life.

>>18394378
That's because you were already (emotionally) separating from her while you were in the relationship. You had been checking out long before you made it official that things were over, so it doesn't feel like a drastic transition from relationship status to friend status: you've been slowly putting her into the friend zone for a while now.

She hasn't been doing that to you. In the same way that you gave yourself time to basically get over her before actually breaking up with her, she'll need time to get over you before she can comfortably be just friends with you in any healthy way.

>>18394268
In short relationships or flings this is more easy. If there is time between the breakup this would work to.

In your situation this seems like a terrible time.
Don't force yourself to be friends with a shitty friend. Nobody wants a shit friend.

>>18394268
Yeah, but only if both people genuinely want to be friends. My first girlfriend and I were best friends before we started dating and have stayed best friends after we stopped dating. There have been a couple of other girls that I'm kind of still friends with but we don't actively try to spend time with each other.

You don't really want to be friends with her, it seems like you really don't even like her as a person, you just want to keep her around to make you feel better and that's a recipe for a shitty friendship.