how to become less nice

>>18391917

the key here isn't to be less empathetic to others, but rather to be better to your self.

if there is a starving man on the street it does not mean you have to give him your meal. if there is someone standing on the bus, it does not mean you have to give them your seat.

if the person is really old or clearly disabled, sure give them your seat. if you can easily get your self another meal without this sorto f habit interfering with your long term finances, then give him a meal.

but don't take sacrifice for just anyone for no reason. you are deserving of the same things everyone else has, so there is no reason why you should give up these comforts unless its part of your dom/sub fantasy.

>>18391931
i think the exact definition for that perspective is academic, but my question is how do you actually get into that mindset?

>>18391917
What makes you think you are nice, especially "too nice"? Genuinely nice people are well liked and get ahead in life and gain loyalty of friends and have an easy time getting a gf/bf. Perhaps you are not as nice as you think, or you have a slew of other negative qualities you need to fix.

"Girls like assholes and hate nice guys" is a retarded meme. Don't fall for it.

>>18391965

the truth is your general 'first thoughts' aren't going to change. racist people dont really become less racist they just stop saying the first thing that comes to mind.

whenever you are presented with the possibility of doing something wehtehr its becuase someone requests a favor or you simply decide to do it, you need to stop and think 'do they really need this? Will this benefit me in helping them? etc'

>>18391917
Do you find yourself needlessly appologizing for every little thing? The first step is to stop saying sorry. It is empowering and also makes it more sincere later when u make an actual mistake.

The next step is to get in the habbit of questioning why you care when you start going down the " hows so and so going to feel/ will i hurt there feelings". Chances are that so and so wont feel shit because whatever you believe will be a catalyst to an emotion in them probably wont affect them at all.

No one knows about all of your actions or emotins except you. I am also a highly empathetic person by nature but part of this is being a very self centered person. You have to assume that you are a main character in everyone you meets life in order to worry so much about what your doing having an effect on them.

>>18391978
people have told me as much. watching others, and comparing that to my own behaviour. i mean you can look at any extraordinarily successful people (high level politicians, businessmen, etc.) they always have a lot of darkness in their past, no matter how smiley their PR job is at present. im looking to just be more like them

i wouldnt say that thats untrue, just the words are a bit wrong. should be 'girls like strong guys and hate weak guys', and as above niceness is a general weakness (as it leaves you open to being taken advantage of by those who arent nice)

>>18391989
yeah its just hard saying no sometimes, especially when its right in the moment. and its not always people asking me, its more like ill avoiding saying or doing something because it will cause a pain to someone else. for example, during appraisal period my boss had some personal problems, so i didnt ask for as much of a raise as i was looking for because i didnt want to add too much stress onto his plate. a different guy at my company used the opportunity to really stick the knife in and the boss relented really easily because of everything else he was dealing with. just another example of the kind of thing im talking about

>>18391995
hmm could you read the above story and reply on that? i think it hits a few of your points

how do you square being empathic and self centred? arent you bothered by the upset you cause?

>>18391978
>Don't fall for it.
If I didnt see it everywhere I go I wouldnt

>>18392022

its all about balance. and if your excuse to that is always going to be 'bvut its hard' then we can't help you. there is no secret that will make it /not/ hard.

all you can do is think about what you REALLY need, if someone is going to REALLY be hurt over this (rather than feigning hurt or purposely hurting themselves) and make the decision.

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>>18392027
You are either seeing what you want to see, or are lying about going anywhere outside the basement and getting all your information from /r9k/ memes.

>>18392022
Self-centered and selfish are two separate things. Being an extremely empathetic person you have to be self centered, because you think about other people in terms of how you will effect them or if youll look better doing one thing over another, regardless of if the things you do help you monetarily or any other way than just socially.

This usually manifests itself in doing "good deeds" or procrastinating asking for what you want and need. Which is rather selfless. However, in your story you seem to not have asked for the raise because you didnt want to anger your boss, not because you didnt want him to be stressed out more. The guy was already stressed so the main motivator had to be that you wanted to avoid the stressed out guys focus being directed at you. Which is self centered. You need to move away from being self centered and focused ao much on social status or saving face in situations and allow yourself to be selfish once in a while,

Im the kind of guy who really struggles with saying no also. I live in an appartment bulding and if a neighbor asks for something i usually say yes. If they ask for something else i draw the line and have started saying no. Im still a nice guy as i helped out the first time but ive had too many instances of people taking advantage of me to keep saying yes

>>18392022
You are making the mistake of thinking that nice means weak and jerk means strong. No.

There are strong jerks
There are strong nice guys
There are weak jerks
There are weak nice guys

It sounds like your problem is being weak. Focus on fixing that. If you are nice and confident and strong, girls find that very attractive.

>>18392041
yes i can see that, do you think its worth going to an extreme end to begin with? to get used to it? ie whenever someone asks me for help just say no, then i can gradually find the balance

>>18392060
ive explained my reasoning and your response is 'no', care to actually explain what youre talking about? as i said, in my experience, people who arent nice capitalise on a lot more opportunities because they dont care about trampling people to get them

>>18392059
i dont think they are different, or at least being selfish is just the far end of self centredness. no i told you, and its in the OP as well, i behave this way NOT because i am afraid of what other people think of me, but what other people will feel because of me. i didnt stress my boss out to avoid making his life worse, not because i was worried it would fuck up my salary

anyway, this isnt about what things mean or why or whatever, its about how to do i change

>>18392045
webcomics, really?

>>18392079

>would it be easier just to say 'no' anytime someone asks anything of me
>just to get used to it

no. that would be really fucking dumb, you wouldn't get used to anything, and then you'd lose all your fucking friends.

instead if its via text, dont reply right away. think about it. if its in person say 'hmmm let me think about that' and weigh it over in your head the pros and cons.

>>18392079
Thats the thing. You have no idea what other people are thinking and you have to realize that. Maybe your boss would have been happy to hand out a raise because he would have gotten to do a good deed and taken his mind off of the stressful situation. Who really knows except for your boss.

Being empathetic is only really handy when someone is already feeling a certain way or you literally know your actions will hurt that person physically or otherwise but you have to know that person well.

There is only one person you know so well that you can empathize with that person all the time, and thats you! So stop ignoring your own feelings and take in the fact that you hurting/stressing etc is just as important as anyone else.

I get you were trying to be nice and thats a good thing but only up to a point. When i say selfish i mean that you need to do what is right for you. Not trample on other people but you also dont need to over analyze every situation as the most important life altering thing. When i say your being self centered that might be too strong of a word, or just ill fitting. What i really mean is that you are relating everyone elses feelings back to yourself, and your actions as if every action you take will impact someone else great enough to have to worry about it. It might have irritated your boss if you had asked for the raise but he wouldnt have remembered it in a week/ month/ whatever. Every person has their own little reality and sure you can have an impact on people, for good or bad, but small situations like that wont hurt another person enough to run their life. Think about all of the times youve been annoyed by someone, just annoyed, not hurt emotionally etc. you might have one or two instances that stand out but chances are that you dont remember the vast majority of times that people have annoyed you or added to your pre existing stress.

>>18392142
In the example i gave of my neighbors asking for things, sugar, change, etc. i used to be so worried that they wouldnt be sble to make dinner or do laundry or w.e. Because of me. Then i stopped and really thought about it. When i need change and ask a neighbor, when they say mo i just move on and ask a different neighbor or run up to the store.

Most interactions like this are simple. They wont cause anyone major distress and you shouldnt worry about them so much. Know when someone is taking advantage of you by understanding your worth and what you gain from your interactions with that person.

If its my best friend ill say yes way more than i would to a random neighbor, but only if it wont put me in a bad position. Learn to focus your empathy on friends and important people in your life. Im not saying you shouldnt care about anyone else but you definitely shouldnt let those people affect you enough to make you give into stuff you dont want to do.

>>18392154
Your problem is not being nice. Your problem is understanding people. What makes them tick. What you think is you being nice might just be ordinary everyday courtesy. Being nice is never a bad thing, don't give up on that. Just make sure you are assertive and not a doormat.

>>18392079
There are successful jerks and successful nice people. You also ass assholes who are not successful in life at all mainly because they are assholes and nobody likes them. Don't try to become like them. To get ahead in life, you need to be able to adapt and be smart about life. Being an asshole or nice has nothing to do with it.

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>>18391978
>Genuinely nice people are well liked and get ahead in life and gain loyalty of friends and have an easy time getting a gf/bf

You meant smart and cunning lad. Nice is something else.

>>18392541
This anon gets it.

>>18391978
>don't believe real life memes because I said so

Kek never change /adv/

>>18392549
Why do we have so many /r9k/ leaks these days? It's a different board here, if you try to spout memes instead of reality you will get called out on it.

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>>18392598

I see you're new, you're also wrong. Get out and/or kys.

>>18392653
Why do robots always call everyone newfags? They have only been on the site for a year or two at most. You were in diapers when 4chan was created. You don't know shit.

Anyway, are you going to be a raging asshole? Go to /r9k/. Helping by contributions? Stay here.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

>>18391978
>nice people get ahead in life, loyalty of friends, and have an easy time getting a gf/bf

Lmao

>>18391917
I had this problem for years, until I became the general manager at a restaurant. What snapped me out of it was watching people use my niceness and leanience towards things like calling in "sick" "family issues" and such. It kinda trickled down into my life outside of work. I'm not sure how to help with yours though.