True happiness

Nothing in life makes me happy apart from the suffering of the stupid. My spare time consists of escapism 100%. I play vidya and browse the internet to escape the depressing existence that is my life and I don't know of anyway to change. Antidepressants just dull me to reality so I don't even feel real happiness. I stopped taking those antidepressants but nothing physical has changed, I still do the same stuff. The only thing that changed is my mental state (clearer thinking but more depression).

You know that illness where people think they are dead and have like a coma like state in their brain? I think I have that, either that, or I just don't exist. I cut myself deeply with a scalpel several times and felt nothing. I get ignored by everyone. My eyes are the eyes of a dead person and my skin is as pale as a blank lightly green white sheet of paper.
I think my brain is damaged in some way. I'm gonna get checked on it soon.
I pray for death everyday, but then I see, I am already dead and there is no way out of this hellish cycle.

>>18388258
Nah, you're probably just an emo edge lord. Someone who actually had that condition wouldn't be able to recognize they have it.

The fact that in maybe 2-3 years I'll be good enough at drawing that I'll be able to pretty much live in my fantasy world

Other than that, not much

>>18388267
Thanks for the heads up. I'm thirty two and have been suffering from severe depression for 17 years. Sure, and Ed Kemper would never say he's crazy after dismembering 8 women. Your logic is the logic of the nonsensical. Why do I even come here.

>>18388278
Because you're too scared to seek actual help and just want re-affirmation from strangers on the internet that you're not an edge lord?

>>18388258
>>18388270

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotard_delusion

>Has a delusion
>Realizes he has a delusion
literally not possible by definition.

Ho ho ho, this is the constant question.

What makes me happy? Ignorance and being truly held within the moment without a layer of complex analytical thoughts ruining the experience.

Like if I'm chopping firewood without any thought time flies past. I get to see the fruits of my labour and expend physical energy being productive. If I start to intellectualise it I can quite quickly tear holes in my actions and strip it down to something quite unpleasant.

>You are only doing this because you have nothing better to do.
>You are only doing this because you are worried that if you become truly ok with having nothing better to do people will think you've given up on life.
>Why are you being such a hipster? You live in an area serviced by natural gas?

Basically nearly every single thing I do can be reduced down to a desire to not look stagnant and accepting of entropy in the eyes of others because I hold my value and self worth in the eyes of others because the subjective opinion of myself alone is completely subjective and without wider meaning and prone to delusion.

So if the yogi becomes truly at one with the universe he/she might was well lay down and die because really, devoid of all motivation and drives and desires what is the point or purpose in anything?

Like my whole life I've taken up obsessive hobbies and activities, thrown myself into them to a stupid level and learnt all I can about something in the hope of trying to drive away this kind of existential boredom. The alternative is literally sitting around and feeling completely worthless and alienated from others until suicide becomes the best course of action.

>>18388316
>Sitting down and accepting life is meaningless.
Try it anon. Report back with results.

>>18388316
you know that now that you've realize that you have to progress your hobbies or you risk someday falling into that inky black abyss of intellectualizing your life into meaninglessness?

better buy a sawmill, some chisels, and various hand tools and start doing timber framing. then you'll have something better to do.

>>18388219
>>18388258
Well it's good that your venting i guess
>>18388270
Ah yes i draw to, i guess that could go in my escapism column, but i prefer to look at it as self improvement. Honing a skill is good, right? I mean im not good but as a kid i was relatively good for my age so i just recently took it up again for the First time since i was 12 on the off chance that my relative skill as a child will transfer to adulthood with a little training. Making progress makes me pretty glad i guess

>>18388316
This was a better response than i could have dreamt of good anon. You should record your thoughts and musings in the future, youre very eloquent

>>18388333

this is probably closer to me >>18388316
I try to remain ignorant by escaping with vidya. It doesn't really work though. The problem I am faced with is no purposeful distraction. That is what everything is after all, a distraction. My distraction has no tangible result in the end.

>>18388326
I know that life is ultimately meaningless when you take a big picture perspective. If you take a smaller perspective and focus on being part of the present then through the impact upon others you have the opportunity to influence things in a way which is not meaningless in relation to a smaller perspective. The thing is, we are often taught that happiness comes from within and accepting and coming to terms with defining things on your own terms. This is incompatible with reality.

I could plant a beautiful garden and nurture it over a number of years, but if nobody ever sees it then is there anything meaningful to the act other than as experienced by myself? Clearly not. The wider world doesn't even notice and is impacted not one bit and would remain the same as if I had never done it. If I decide it is a worthwhile act, how do I judge this as worthwhile without a wider context? How do I know that I'm not deluded?

Meaningful actions are impossible to define by the individual in isolation, it is only within a wider context which takes into consideration others that things have objective meaning and purpose. In relation to happiness, you can decide what makes you happy, but the manner in which you judge yourself to be happy or unhappy has to involve the other and cannot simply come from within.

Enlightenment or whatever you want to call the wisdom that comes with age is basically coming to terms with the futility of fighting against this meaninglessness and accepting it as a metaphor for death. Being alive and acting upon the world is fighting against the meaninglessness in an attempt to find meaning and purpose as a metaphor for youth or vitality.

This is what I mean by overthinking things, intellectualising things which places a layer of abstract thought between myself and actions. This is why meditation and mindfulness have such an allure because they focus on training yourself to truly be in the moment.

>>18388351
How old are you anon?
I'm 18.

let your sleep schedule be fucked up. focus on abstract, unachievable goals instead of small ones. focus on happiness as a magic state of being that needs to be achieved, rather than a journey in the direction towards what you want. procrastinate and stay in the same room forever, preferably doing all of your activities in the same exact spot, going outside and going to different rooms of the house to as little as possible

>>18388362
oh you watched that video too?

>>18388385
yessir