Partner with mental illness/depression

>>18338520
My mother is bipolar. She went through two long-term relationships (both 10 years+) and only started getting in control of it when she became single. In her own words, relationships are an emotional minefield and to someone with a mood disorder (which, to my understanding, is a large part of schizoaffective) they can be more harm than good.

Take that however you will.

>>18338520
My wife suffers from depression. She hasn't been "cured", but we've worked around it.
Just always be there for her and never give up. Good luck, Anon.

>>18338526
She says that ever since she met me she has been a lot better. And in general she is fine with me the vast majority of the time. It's just very difficult to pull her out of a bad mood.
>>18338527
Thank you. I never give up. But it gets hard when she always blames herself for everything and because of that I can't really talk to her about how it affects me too.

>>18338533
Yeah that's pretty common. There's not too much you can do about it since that's who she is, apart from keep telling her that it's not her fault. When you get to see each other I'm sure she'd like a long hug. Get out for walks in the park together, that kind of simple thing is often overlooked, but things like that will be good for you both.

>>18338647
Thank you! I do those things already. And we do just stick to simple things like going for a walk when we see eachother. She likes those sort of things.

>>18338731
Good on you, lad. I know it can be difficult sometimes, but the longer you battle through it the better it'll get. I speak from experience.
You sound like a good guy. May you have a long and happy relationship.
God bless you.

>>18338533
You're just going to have to accept that you can't fix her. She has to get better by getting real help, not by depending on you

So I've just got off the phone with a friend. She moved away about a year ago due to a mental breakdown. Had limited contact with her, but she rang me today. She attempted suicide. Is ready to give up, kept talking about hanging herself.

I did my best on the phone to reassure her, that she could keep fighting, that I was there for her. I wouldn't let her give up and each day we would take a small step together.

She lives 3 hours away so I could only visit occasionally. What else can I say to help her? What strategies can I use to let her open up but not make her feel pressured?

>>18340426
You aren't me, but what I do with my girl when she feels that way is to just keep telling her that I'm there for her and that she isn't alone, and that if she wants talk about how she feels you will always be there to listen. And just remain calm and patient.

>>18339896
I know that, I know I can't fix the way she is, but I can try to make sure she doesn't get worse and encourage her.

>>18341310
Thanks. I will keep trying to do that.

>>18341316
No problem mate, best of luck!

Things will always be hard.
Male anon on the other side.

I had been dealing with depression and ptsd for years. My ex tired being there for me but the closer she got the more violent I became. She was the one that eventually got me to seek help and it took many years or therapy to deal with it. It sucks because it's like a dual brain thing. I knew the things I was doing was bad but whenever I tried to say that I loved her and that I was trying my best to get better the words would always come out wrong.

Patience is of extreme importance, a soft but firm hand as well. You have to know when to push and when to hug. Sometimes we need our partners to give a hard push forward for us to understand.

The best you can do is talk, make sure to keep communication between each other open. Also be aware that some days are harder on us than others.

You can only do so much. Depression is like digging a fucking foxhole. We dig down for comfort and safety, or at least for what we think is comfort. Some days your voice will become like whisper, and the noise of all the internal strife a megaphone. That's when you sit down and explain things are clearly as possible. Some days we just need a guiding hand.

In short be the comfort she can look to instead of allowing her to look for the apathic hole. Also, look up ways to help build her confidence, depression tend to take that away from us. It's hard to get back. Maybe help her discover some hobbies, as cliche as it is music is always nice to clear the mind. We are like children sometimes, abused children that are scared to act but want to so bad.

>>18342489
Thanks for sharing. Mentioning confidence, she very much struggles with confidence. It's part of her culture to say she is not good at things being Japanese, but she also genuinely hinsk she is dumb and terrible at everything, and horrible, and gross and ugly and anything else you can think of. Even thoughI know it's certainly not true. She plays piano is extremely good but she doesn't recognise it. I try to boost her confidence every day and she appreciates it but she always firmly disagrees and sometimes feels bad about it.

It's difficult especially with me not able to be with her very often, but I think woth enough time and trying the right things it will slowly inprove and I think it already has a little.

I'm just rambling now because I have nowhere else to say this but yeah. I'm never giving up.

>>18338520
Schizoaffective is a bitch, my dude.
You have to really be there emotionally for a person like this, and you will get hurt for that involvement. Moving in MIGHT be a good idea, but it could be a huge blunder. Really depends person to person.

>>18342577
Communication is the most important thing, which is good that you guys talk on the daily.

Ultimately that was the flaw in my relationship. She didn't tell when she wasn't able to spend time with me. When this happens our brains tend to get paranoid. The logical part tries to rationalize that she was busy and such, the paranoia tells us otherwise. That it's us. That it's you doing something else because we suck. And so on.

Keep her in loop. If you really do want to move in, maybe more time together will help. Builda supportive environment, one where you push her to be satisfied with who she is. We tend to blow up our own flaws and cripple ourselves. Confidence and self-esteem go a long way. Essentially, you have to get her to see value herself, and that you see her as more than the mental illness. That you willing to work along side her to get past this.

Mental illness sucks and at times we use it as a crutch. Which is hard to get past.
Some days will really hard on you, but as long as you communicate and be open with each other you should be fine.

Help her see what you see. So that she loves herself how you love her. She will grow in confidence along with it.

Some times you'll have to be firm with her, as we need a voice to hard on us from time to time. Discretion and patience, communication and compassion. Empathy. Shit is hard, but if you love her and you want to be there for her, you'll become a rock. Something to admire and respect.

>>18342720
Thank you for this invaluable insight. Can i ask about the "help her see what you see". What sort of things?

Had two girlfriends with depression and other diagnosed personality disorders. The good was good, but the bad was fucking teribad, and both ended up cheating on me. All in all, not worth it at all.

>>18342632
Yeah, I'm going to give it a while before deciding about moving in because it's a bit more complicated than nust moving in. But she has told me she wants to one day.
>>18342720
Thanks mate. I try my best and I will continue to do so. Thanks for your advice man, and thanks for telling me and everyone else how it affectee you too, I really appreciate it.

>>18342908
Why do you like her? What of value keeps you with her? For many the storm that mental illness brings is too much and usually clouds what you see in them. You don't just love a person. You love them because they bring something you want to the table. You see her for something beyond the cloud of depression that she likely believes defines her. It's a part of her, but not who she is entirely.

Mental illness takes a lot from you. Like a parasites. It takes our confidence away. So we see no value in ourselves beyond what we can give others.

Not sure if she ever comes up to you and asks why you are with her. But from my own experience it was something that would always eat at me, I would always ask get an answer but not be satisfied with it. I felt like she was just too nice to say stuff truthfully. When things were okay, I would question the happiness. As if it wasn't real. Sabotaging at the core.

You can't give someone confidence, you can only guide them to it. They have to see value in themselves. You walk a fine line. You have to somehow figure out how to help her walk, but not rely on you like a crutch. Becoming dependent on another is changing one problem for another. It's really hard and I can only speak from my own personal experience. Which is different since I'm a guy first.

>>18342946
Thank you. Will do my best. Sadly we are just friends. I did ask her out and we kissed but it happened just before the mental illness hit so I guess all that is at minimum on ice, at most truly over. I'm trying to keep in contact with her and hopefully get to see her soon.

Do you think talking about how much fun we have had in the past is good? As a reason for why I'm still there for her, or do I need to talk about what she brings now? I'd the latter I'll struggle for ideas. I'm besotted by her and she's a dear friend who I will always care for her.

>>18342972
Hmm, now things get hard. Since you're just friends it's a different ballgame. You want more? You may have to be direct with her and tell her you want to be more. If she ask why, you give her the reasons, what you see in her and such. If she uses the illness as a buffer, you have to prove to her that you are willing to be there for her, not out of pity or some kind of nightingale thing.

If you honestly believe there is no chance for you to be more, then all I can say is that you have just be her friend. Give her a shoulder to rest on from time to time. At the same time give her space because she may to depend on you as a friend and nothing more.

As much as you care and love for her there is a clear line between a partner and a friend. Each on has limitations on the actions one can take.

Her illness is there, but it shouldn't stop you from asking her out. I'm saying go for it and make little mention about her problem at first. Treat her like nothing is wrong on the good days. Be supportive and give her company or space on the bad days. If she brings up the "Muh depression, muh crazy" shield go around it and explain what you see in her that makes you want to try it. Swing around the shield, not at it.

>>18343113
As I say, already asked her out last year. She turned me down initially, and we were Friends and met a few more times. Then the one time she climbed up on my lap and we kissed a fair bit. She knows I like her a lot. I'll always be there for her as a friend of thats all she is ready for.

Well if I get to go see her I will take your words on board and do my best. But I'll primarily support her as a friend. I'm not so selfish as to push the something more angle if it will pressure her.