Lonely Girl

>>18331398
>I've never had a relationship work out because of my issues
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
heard this bullshit so many times I should start charging bitches to say it

>>18331401
Well, I'm not really blaming anyone else for it. Most people can tell I'm just not fully emotionally into it and start going insane because of it. I haven't dated in years because I stopped wanting to put guys through that.

What do you want bitches to say instead?

>>18331407
well for one, you're a whore. so you should kill yourself.
and two, the only problem you have in relationships is you. you have what's called a self destructive nature, it's a by product of being a whore

I love you bby. Run away with me

>>18331414
I mean, "my issues" kind of means that is me. They belong to me, they are what make up what is "me", so you aren't really giving me anything new here.

You calling me a whore doesn't really bother me though. I mean, yeah, I took off my clothes for money so I could pay off a lot of stuff. I knew what would come with that and how it would affect future relationships.

>>18331415
My problem is I'm pretty boring and you would probably get bored of me or think I'm autistic or something.

>>18331430
Bby, why are you saying my lines for me?

You can just be yourself.

>>18331444

Okay, let's run away together, sure. Where do you live?

>>18331454
Northern Indiana.

How about you, bby?

>>18331464
New York City. Sorry you live in such a shitty place. Or maybe it's actually really exciting.

>>18331467
I wouldnt call it exciting, but its pure freedom. Wide open spaces as far as I can see.

>>18331482
Cool, I am feeling whimsical. We should chat.

>>18331514
Throw away number:
260
488
0402

Best I can do while Im still at work

>>18331398
Serious answer coming in.

>I've never had a relationship work out because of my issues
What are those issues, if I may ask?

>and the fact that I used to cam for money.
I don't think that'd be an issue, at least personally, unless you kept camming.

>I have no interest in anything these days and am thinking of finishing college, but don't really know or care what I want to do and have no direction other than "don't become homeless."
I'd say that apathy is because of depression. Something is keeping you depressed.

>I'm a drifter through jobs and move almost every year.
Maybe you're looking for something. That's pretty symbolic.

>Nothing really inspires me, I'm just a boring apathetic fuck. I can't fake interest in anything or anyone long enough. I work out but it does little to reward me.
Again, depression.

>I guess I'm just looking for stories of people on here who have turned their lives around or are making progress. Even things I'm good at I don't really care about.
I'm starting to feel like I'm making some progress. How? By setting and achieving small, even dumb, short term goals that seem achievable enough. I'm gonna enroll into something I like and I'm undergoing therapy, which feels like I'm going to be much better in the end.

>>18331659
Thank you for the serious reply!

The issues just are standard boring issues you'd expect from a girl that has done my line of work. Inappropriate childhood if you catch my drift, intimacy issues, perpetual emptiness and a hard time expressing myself in a way that isn't clinical. I don't have good views on intimacy and really dislike it, but of course that doesn't go over well with people who enter a relationship with me and know about cam girl stuff. they think "bullshit" and internalize it instead and think it's an issue with them. it leads to hurt feelings so i'd rather just not do that anymore to a person.

If you don't mind me asking, how were you able to just set short term goals for yourself? When I don't even care about anything, it's hard to even do that. I sound so immersed in learned helplessness, but I mean that even a short term goal like "enroll in a class" doesn't really excite me when I go through with it. I've done it before...but maybe I should keep trying? I think something is fucked with the reward center of my brain or something, but I keep dreaming and fantasizing of finding meaning somewhere. I'm tired of moving though and I hate when I get a new job because it's kind of humiliating knowing I'll be there for 6 mos - 1 yr straight before I up and quit and move to another state.

I really want to learn a skill or trade that will help me get by in life because a weird part of me thinks the only thing I'll ever be good at is dumb sex stuff. Thanks for answering in earnest again.

>>18331671
>The issues just are standard boring issues you'd expect from a girl that has done my line of work.
In fact I would suggest seeking therapy to have those issues solved. If anything that will be a step forward to a better and more fulfilling life. You can have a job and use it to pay the therapy.

>I don't have good views on intimacy and really dislike it, but of course that doesn't go over well with people who enter a relationship with me and know about cam girl stuff. they think "bullshit" and internalize it instead and think it's an issue with them. it leads to hurt feelings so i'd rather just not do that anymore to a person.
Wait, how don't you like intimacy? And the people who learn about your camgirl stuff, why would they be judging about something you used to do and don't do anymore anyways?

>If you don't mind me asking, how were you able to just set short term goals for yourself?
Don't force it. As simple as that. Do something that excites you AND seems attainable. Anything does no matter how dumb it may sound. So maybe you want to save to buy a videogame console? Then you know what to do. Or maybe you want something like... I don't know, get a hug? If you go to a place where you can be social and have a hug as a goal then it's gonna be easy. Or just go to some natural place you truly enjoy. Anything does, and when the goal is attainable then you will feel better about yourself.

>but I keep dreaming and fantasizing of finding meaning somewhere.
How about finding meaning in the smaller things?

>I really want to learn a skill or trade that will help me get by in life because a weird part of me thinks the only thing I'll ever be good at is dumb sex stuff.
Think about what trade might be exciting. For instance, do you like cooking?

>Thanks for answering in earnest again.
Of course, I'm here reading to anything you have to say.

>>18331427

>pay off a lot of stuff

This is what gets me the most about women who cam/do this shit. they LOVE being absolute victims, it's not that they get off on the attention, or the incredibly easy money. It's that they were poor innocent victims that HAD to strip for money, they were willing to sacrifice themselves and their relationships because there was just no other way out of the situation.

>>18331693
I just feel uncomfortable with intimacy. Mostly I feel depressed when I have sex within the context of a relationship, probably because even though logically I know it's normal, I can't divorce it from the fact that I feel weirdly betrayed when it happens. It sounds illogical because...it is illogical, haha, and I know it. I just guess I'd like someone to not really care about that stuff for once. Also, it's become a chore for me. The cam girl stuff is something that as long as I am single I will probably still fall back on for money when I quit my jobs impulsively. But I want to stop it and just become a normie already.

>How about finding meaning in the smaller things?
I guess there's a shame to it. Like when I congratulate myself for something small it seems embarrassing. Like those corny "if you are surviving and doing self care you are so amazing omg" people. I want to actually do something impressive as an adult or else I feel like I'm coddling myself.

>Think about what trade might be exciting. For instance, do you like cooking?

I do but I'm not amazing at it. I'd like to learn coding or CS since I'm pretty good at math, but I get worried about investing and then just falling out due to apathy, which has happened before. Therapy has never helped me, but i know that sounds self defeating. I should try again, but I've already been to a few therapists and went to group therapy for survivors of abuse and all of that. It was nice and everyone meant well, but I felt it was all stuff I had already self-reflected on. Actualizing it is another thing altogether.

I probably sound frustrating to speak to so thanks anyway for listening, being acknowledged as a person helps even in small ways.

>>18331701
Omg chill haha, you sound nuts. I'm not calling myself a victim. How many people are in debt that never do anything like I did? How many girls go into retail or work two min wage jobs just to pay off interest on their student loans? I know there are other alternatives, I just had the looks and was in an incident that left me owing thousands so I did what was easiest. It's not a big deal and I pretty much fucked myself over because now it's a skeleton in my closet for future partners.

>>18331719

No, I'm just not a white knight cuck who will coddle you for choosing something stupid that fucked you over long term but made it easier short term and will go 'aww baby it's ok, you have some depression and anxiety, was there ever any trauma or lack of a father figure in your life? Sometimes people make bad decisions when their back is against the wall and they have to make a choice. It's not your fault! Nobody can judge you and if they are then you don't need them!' Which is clearly what you're looking for here and what some anons have already given to you.

>>18331713
>I can't divorce it from the fact that I feel weirdly betrayed when it happens. It sounds illogical because...it is illogical, haha, and I know it. I just guess I'd like someone to not really care about that stuff for once.
Wait, to not really care about that stuff, you mean the camgirl stuff? What do you mean by betrayed?

>The cam girl stuff is something that as long as I am single I will probably still fall back on for money when I quit my jobs impulsively.
Well if you're single and feel like doing it you aren't bound to anybody to do otherwise.

> I guess there's a shame to it. Like when I congratulate myself for something small it seems embarrassing.
Okay I get what you're meaning. I'm also in my late 20s and wish I had done more impressive stuff. But are you seeking to make happy to yourself or others? Aren't you just seeking to gain other's attention and approval? I think we end up doing impressive stuff when we do something we like. It may feel dumb and small, but if something keeps you happy and fulfilled no matter how small, who are the others to judge?

In short. Don't do things to impress others or just because they're big and important. Do things because they make you happy - no matter if they're big and important, or small and dumb.

And only now I am realizing this myself.

>I'd like to learn coding or CS since I'm pretty good at math
https://github.com/open-source-society/computer-science

As a computer scientist I must say this is in par to what you'd learn at a university.

>Therapy has never helped me, but i know that sounds self defeating.
Seek for well rated therapists, or for ones whose perspective is different to what you've experienced. Maybe cognitive behavioral therapy?

>I probably sound frustrating to speak to so thanks anyway for listening
Oh no I'm not frustrated, don't worry!

>being acknowledged as a person helps even in small ways.
You're a person who's struggling, why would I think otherwise?

>>18331739
This projecting. Please relax my dude. Thanks for the tough love, you've taught me some amazing hard lessons in life. Really alpha.

>>18331741
>https://github.com/open-source-society/computer-science
Thank you for the link! I never really had the courage to go check out stuff on my own, but I'll look into this tonight. It's a pretty cool coincidence that you're into it. Mostly I think I would do best with a solitary career or job too and am hoping that I could break into it, though I understand if I go to classes for it I'll be up against people that are probably more talented.

By betrayed I meant I have the very stupidly pathological and irrational association that someone wanting me in that way puts them into a category that I don't trust, which I recognize is dumb since it's natural for people who love you to be attracted to you. It's just never worked out for me.

For small things, I guess I think I am used to setting the bar low for myself often. The smallest thing I can think of doing that I have not already tried is probably this CS open source course stuff that you linked me. I feel vaguely excited and nervous about it which is cool. I can't think of anything else that makes me feel excited, even small stuff. The anhedonia is pretty intense.

>>18331762
>It's a pretty cool coincidence that you're into it. Mostly I think I would do best with a solitary career or job too and am hoping that I could break into it
Although most understand that CS is really about doing stuff yourself, projects are usually too big for one person to tackle alone and thus teamwork is necessary. But you can still do things by yourself, like an app or a web service. Not only that but if you also find someone else to work with elsewhere in the planet, you can also work with them remotely. Hell there's a bunch of remote jobs available!

>though I understand if I go to classes for it I'll be up against people that are probably more talented.
This thought is kind of self defeating for a reason: this is not a competence against nothing or anybody. You're not up against anyone. Go steadily, at your own pace, improving as you see fit and as you learn. You don't need to excel or be at the top percentage to be successful! Programming is difficult for most people so don't feel discouraged if you can't seem to get it at first. Luckily, CS50 is great at teaching you the basics.

>By betrayed I meant I have the very stupidly pathological and irrational association that someone wanting me in that way puts them into a category that I don't trust
I think this outright requires therapy. You maybe were desired sexually by someone you didn't trust in the past, or someone you didn't trust sexually desired you and something happened. It's not irrational.

>For small things, I guess I think I am used to setting the bar low for myself often.
It's not just a low bar. It's just a goal that feels attainable AND makes you happy. It doesn't work if you don't have both!

>The smallest thing I can think of doing that I have not already tried is probably this CS open source course stuff that you linked me. I feel vaguely excited and nervous about it which is cool.
I'm glad I'm helping at something! I hope you really like it, CS is fun!