Am i being abused?

This whole situation and recent stresses at work made my depression kick in again. I told her that I'm feeling really down and initially she seemed really supportive. But in the end she still does her cat and mouse game of withdrawal, silent treatment and saying hurtful things. She will say how I never see a fault in myself, how I never show any initiative and how much of an egoist I am.

The last thing really hurt me. All this time, I've been paying for dinners whenever we go out and whenever we order takeout. I've been spending more and more time with her, offering her all the attention she wanted, often neglecting my friends and work in the process. In addition, I took her on a trip to Paris for her birthday, for which I paid out of my own pocket and yet we still ended up arguing during it. First it was because she was giving me the silent treatment again (turns out what I was talking about wasn't romantic enough) and the second time, because I didn't say "happy birthday" immedietely after I woke up. In the first case, the argument got really bad and once again I broke down, feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

It's not to say things have been always bad. After each argument there is a period of calm, when things have been quite amazing. During that time, she was kind, caring and always giving me affection. But in the back of my head, I knew that sooner or later, I would do or say something that would set her off.

When we came back, things have been really great for a while. Until one day, she was really mean to me all of the sudden. That's when I decided to speak up about it and we ended up arguing. Since then, her mood would switch all the time and the fact that she's on her period didn't help much. Every good night together would somehow end up in an argument (usually when I didn't seem attentive enough due to the amount of work I'm dealing with right now).

Finally I didn't see her for a couple of days to focus on getting back on track with work and ended up doing lots of overtime. When we finally got together, she was once again loving and caring and I was ready to forgive her yet again. I was going to take her to a restaurant to celebrate our 3-month anniversary. But once we woke up, my depression kicked in and I suggested we delay our next date by an hour or just spend the evening at my place so I could finish off my work. At that point she began crying and wouldn't explain to me what was going on and left. She eventually sent me a passive-aggressive message, saying how I never try to make her feel good and how we always end up doing the same thing.

That was the last straw in a way. All this time I've been dealing with depression, breaking my back to make her dinners, finishing work early so we could meet up, paying for her and so on. Meanwhile, she would be doing nothing all day or meeting with her friends. And yet she would make me feel guilty every time something didn't go her way.

In the end I told her, we shouldn't meet today since I'm feeling depressed and we would only end up arguing. I don't know if she feels any remorse, but she did seem pretty civil and said she understands but was hoping to spend that evening with me, since it was really important to her. I told her I would talk to her in a few days when I get my shit together and haven't messaged her since then.

I'm so confused as to what to do next. As much as I'm angry right now, the first two months we've been together have been really amazing and in between arguments we still had some beautiful moments together. She's very beautiful, smart, charismatic and funny. The sex was amazing too. There is still some love in me left, but every time I try to patch things up I remember how she made me feel at the low moments of our relationship. I just don't feel like trying to fix things anymore. I promised her I would change certain things about myself, but she would never offer the same in return. And that made me feel discouraged from even seeing her. I don't know if I made her seem evil by focusing only on the bad things in our relationships. There certainly have been some fuckups there on my part. In fact, I often feel guilty and keep stressing out over the things I could have done differently. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the one abusing her and merely projecting. I've been feeling so depressed lately that I no longer know what is real or not anymore.

Any advice on what I should do? Is breakup the only option her? Or is it something that still can be fixed?
As much as I feel hurt, I don't think she is a bad person and I feel like all she's doing are things she learned in her previous relationship. I still feel extremely grateful for all the good things she's done for me and in some way, I still think I love her.

Sounds like you're caught up in giving a fuck about what women think and do. I suggest you ignore her until she breaks down and contacts you. You need to maintain the emotional high groung otherwise she(emotionally unstable already) will fuck with you.

This is the fundamental principal of self respect as well. Don't sweat what others think of you.

>>18327870
>abusing you
>not liking it

Joking aside, if she wants to keep acting like you're her little witch then you might as well break up with her.
If she's going to keep acting like a bitch towards you then she isn't worth it at all.

>>18327911
Also I forgot to mention, you should have a talk with her about things.

You should discuss your true feelings about her, and try to discuss to her about a way you can both work around this type of situation.

If she disagrees with the fact that she should stop pushing you around like a little bitch then you should break up with her.

Chances are that she's a slut with no redeeming qualities that will get nowhere in life other than being a prostitute if she so chooses unless she has a man to do her bidding for her.

If that is her opinion then I suggest finding another woman.

(and yes I know I mistyped bitch as witch the first time)

Bro your battling depression over a girl youve been with for 3 months. Thats not a good start to a relationship so earlly on. Break it off you girlfriend shouldnt make you depressed.

>>18327870
Next time make sure your problem can fit into 2000 characters.

And drop the bitch. Being in relationship should be mostly happy feeling (at least on the start, then it fades a little).

I repeat, break up. She has issues and you do to.

For once, when your gf is doing what you dont like, tell her rather sooner than later. Good luck!

>>18327881
Sounds like a BPD girl

>>18327870
I'm sure she's caring and loving but she acts like a psycho.
You are dealing with depression because of 3 months relationship and you clearly can't even talk about it with her. Communication is the most important thing and you can't communicate with her.
Be honest with her and damn leave her if she keeps on blaming you.
You are putting effort in this, maybe too much but I get it, she's not even trying.
How can you fix anything if she doesn't listen when you open up with her?
You can try to fix things but as for it goes now you deserve more.

Yes, you are being abused.

Break off with this bitch from hell now.

Also, do not neglect your friends.

>>18327870
You're not being abused, you're being an idiot. If your girlfriend is doing something that hurts you, you either tell her to stop, or you break up with her.

And fuck you, I did not read that entire novel.

I've seen my best friend in a similar situation with his ex for over a year. I was close to it too with my own little hellspawn bitch. These things broke us. Trust me, this is utterly toxic and yoh must walk away.

>>18327870
She's an abusive piece of shit. Get out of there.

Female perspective... You've been dating for 3 months and you took her to PARIS FOR HER BIRTHDAY? Holy fuck if i weren't married and happily I'd say rebound with me. All jokes aside youre either insecure about something or have some kind of baggage. You seem to feel like a nice girl wouldn't want you. Why is that? Lets work on the root of why youre even dealing with this.

Get the fuck out man, she lacks compassion empathy she is pig headed and selfish. She cannont admit when she is wrong, she refuses to hold and of the blame and her default response is to argue and escalte the whole entire situation to a point which makes you cry as opposed to genuinely trying to find out whats wrong.

She is an A+ class manipulator who only cares about her needs, your feelings and needs don't even register because your far less important than her. OP you are in a toxic one way relationship and its only 3 months in.

After she manipulates you to tears only then does it become better, she is taking advantage of your kindness. Right now you have a breaking point and she knows how to push your buttons to get what she needs, if you stay you will naturally become desensitized to here behaviour but guess what...?

She will naturally escalate her behaviour using violence towards you, items around you, violence towards herself , suicidal threats, self harm threats and it will all be "your fault" because she is a child who lacks anyform of responsibility. She drag you through insanity and back OP, shes a broken person who needs years of therapy and introspection. Kick her ass to the curb and get out before her "love" for you becomes the nail in your coffin

>>18328023
If you cant commit to reading the OP post then go to another thread, your response makes you look like an idiot. Do you have a contract with 4 chan where you must post in every thread ever made especially the ones you dont care about?

And OP is absolutely being abused and taken advantage of, he is depressed and this bitch is bordeline gas lighting him to the point where he doesnt even know if its his actions or her manipulations that arw the cause of their relationships problems

>>18328169
This x1000

Thank you all for the comments and I apologize for the long post. After dealing with this for some time and being unable to talk about it I had to vent a bit.

I know I must seem stupid right now. I would always hear of people dealing with toxic partners and I could never understand what kept them together.
But now I see how it all works. All of this just slowly crept up on me without me noticing. Looking back I should have seen the red flags and left early on.

The other reason is that I have gotten to the point where I started to question my own sanity and my version of events. Even now I wonder if what I wrote isn't just a manipulation of facts. When we argued I would sometimes point to a behaviour that hurt me, like her not saying sorry after an argument. And she would deny it with such confidence that I would begin to question if maybe she did in fact apologize and I just didn't see it. After battling with depression for years, you sort of lose trust in your own perception of events. Even know I wonder if what I wrote is true.

But regardless, it does seem like breaking up is a clear choice here. I'm too depressed and hurt to be in a relationship right now and being around her makes me feel worse. When she's not around I feel much calmer and prospect of seeing her fills me with fear.

And something that really cares me right now is that I panic if I didn't get her pregnant. At some point, we had sex without a condom (I never came in her, but I know precum can make you pregnant) and two days ago she told me her period was being late.

Only now I realize how dumb I've been. At one point I told her myself I would like to try it without a condom one day and we spoke about getting on the pill. But then one night, she just took my condom off and with me being a horny idiot I just kept at it as I didn't want to disappoint her. Since then she would sometimes put it in without a condom whenever I would lose an erection and I would always ask to put it back on. I can think of a few nights when we did that and even though I never came I just can't help but worry. Doing that made me really uncomfortable but I never spoke up and at that point I trusted her it was ok as she's more experienced sexually than me. I was a virgin until last year.

You seem like a docile dude begging to be chewed up and spit out, work on raising your self esteem, confidence and awareness make some good genuine freinds sort out your strengths and weakness and stock up on condoms. Youll be fine

Shes crazy. She uses u as the punching bag because thats how she was treated in her previous relationship.
Break it off. Dont contact her. Forget her. Shes a fucking vile creature. I cant believe it how far it has gone, HOW FAR YOU LET IT GO
Op if u need someone to talk to,im here
Im so sorry for ur situation, its awful

>>18328851
Honestly OP, your relationship is identical to my prior relationship with a girl suffering from borderline personality disorder; the difference being that it lasted three years, not three months. I understand how difficult this situation is for youI'll be blunt: a lot of the behavior you're describing clearly fits the criteria for BPD, including:
>Inability to express empathy or sympathy
>Black-and-white thinking, "splitting" you 100% good or 100% bad
>Behavior bordering on verbal abuse
>Withdrawal of affection. "silent treatment"
>Directly and indirectly isolating you from family and friends
>Hypersensitivity to cancellation of plans, perceived slights
>Amazing sex (it's a form of self-destructive behavior)
Now, I cannot diagnose your girlfriend; and at this point, it's practically pointless. The behaviors you've described remain the same regardless of whether she suffers from BPD. This is 100%. undeniably an emotionally abusive relationship. I say this with complete certainty backed by three years of similar experience.

DO NOT underestimate this disorder. It is a lifelong condition which cannot be cured, only managed through specific and constant treatment (dialectical behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, or mentalization-based treatment). Three months in with no diagnosis there is NOTHING you can do to help her or help yourself. This is NOT your responsibility; your only responsibility in this situation is to attend to your needs - which you yourself, as well as your girlfriend, are neglecting - and respectfully remove yourself from this relationship.

I'm going to tell you very directly that you should break up with this girl. This is not what love looks like, and you need to understand that you've done nothing wrong here. You're trying your best, you're looking for advice, and you obviously care about both her and the relationship. None of that will save this relationship.

Luckily, I think you already know the right decision.

>>18329272
Continuing from this post, here's what you need to do now:
>Research BPD and decide if it's appropriate to your girlfriend
>Research codependency and decide if it fits your behavior
>Decide an exit strategy and avoid getting back together with her
I'm also going to recommend searching "BPDLovedOnes". Yeah, it's Reddit, but it's one of the better communities for victims of abusve in these types of relationships. If you need to talk to someone or just want to see someone who went through the thoughts you went through ("She's a good person underneath," etc.), hit me up: VascularTissue.

Also, a few more points: First, she probably exaggerated about her abusive relationship - if it isn't an outright lie. My ex lied about her ex-boyfriend being abusive, which I discovered because she regularly lied to a mutual friend about me being abusive. Of course, I never abused her; physically, emotionally, verbally. And luckily, all of my friends and family rightfully trust me - not her lying ass. Expect her to tell her next boyfriend that you were abusive.

>>18328907
>But then one night, she just took my condom off
Second, she's trying to manipulate you into impregnating her to entrap you in the relationship. Even if she isn't pregnant, she'll manipulate you into thinking she's potentially pregnant.
Third, there is also a real risk that she's cheating on you (sorry, but it's the truth) and it's possible that she's been having unprotected sex with other people. Consider this in conjunction with the pregnancy scares. Again, this is only a possibility; but if you ask her about it, it's likely she'll deny it. I know this sounds cruel, but you can't necessarily believe her.

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation, but it's only been a short three months. You're learning a valuable lesson about what love is and isn't; a lesson that some people don't learn for years and years. You'll come out of this stronger and a better person if you overcome this.

>>18328169
This

I cannot This this hard enough, 100% accurate

>>18329282
I should add, "You'll come out of this stronger," means you'll come out of this stronger IF you really examine why you were in this relationship to begin with. Toxic, codependent relationships involve both parties; not necessarily the toxic individual. >>18328121 puts it pretty well.

To give an example, I got into my relationship because I have low self-esteem and a relentless superego. My ex-girlfriend splitting me white - idealizing me - satisfied my self-esteem and need for love like fucking emotional heroin. When I was hooked, she withdrew and her splitting me black - devaluing me - reflected my own ridiculous superego which constantly feels like I'm a fuckup. In short, I found someone who fulfilled some of my deepest psychological wounds and externalized the most horrible parts of my psyche in a weirdly fulfilling way. These relationships are basically just emotional drug addictions.

You'll probably be attracted to this type of person unconsciously because of whatever it is that got you into this relationship, but it's a good sign that you're recognizing it's unhealthy and getting out.

Sorry if I'm posting too much, but once you learn to recognize this pattern it becomes uncanny and you can't help but want to reach out to people in similar situations.

shes not abusing you
shes a chick who barely knows you
she wants to have fun
you arent fun, you are a little butterfly if not a bitch

i suggest pulling the buttplug out of your ass and lighten the fuck up
you got a girlfriend, not a therapist or emotional caretaker

Thank you all for the replies and support. It really means a lot to me.

>>18329272
>>18329282
>>18329289

Thank you anon. Until now, I assumed that perhaps all of this was a result of trauma from the past relationship. But reading your post made me wonder if she is indeed suffering from some kind of a personality disorder.

I will definitely read the Reddit you've mentioned. I don't want to self-diagnose her, but what you wrote really does sound similar to my experience. In particular, the pattern of almost suffocating closeness, followed by complete coldness is very much like what I've been experiencing lately.

In addition there's been instances of physical violence too. Mostly pinching, biting my tongue, lips and nose. I thought she was just doing this as a joke, but sometimes it would be really painful and when I brought it up she would often laugh it off. Her tongue biting got so bad at one point that I told her to stop doing it which she eventually did.

As for me, I was often wondering what I found so alluring about her. She can be extremely confident and charismatic, funny, smart and had a bit of an edge to her. She would offer me closeness and comfort and would listen to my problems, only for the issues I talked to her about pop out during an argument as an attack.

For example, I told her about my story of never having any relationships and she seemed really understanding. But then one day she would tell me that if I don't change I will never have a relationship. Similarly, I told her about depression and she offered to help me get through it. But then during one of her moods she said that a "normal girl would be gone by now".

I too suffer from self-esteem issues. I had an emotionally abusive father who made me feel like everything was my fault and I was not good for anything. I noticed that after she hurt, I would come back to her for support and she would give it to me, making me feel grateful that she's still putting up with my behavior.

>>18329333
The spiders web is deceiving, wander in too deep and you will be devoured

>>18327870
You are me
>At the end of one night, she noticed I became sad and asked what happened. I told her that I felt hurt by some of the things she did that night. She shocked me, because rather than offer me compassion and apologize she turned defensive. It dawned on me then that her reaction is always the same, whenever I point out to her that she did something that hurt me, she will either start stonewalling me or turn aggressive.
This is the worst. Leave please.
Fuck I loved this girl. I loved her so much. But this is not possible. You're going to brea; and in that context you're never going to learn the skills that would allow you to bear that kind of shit (not giving a fuck about what others want) Leave.
>>18328169
This.