The lesser of 2 evils: cheating, or divorce when a child is involved

Not sure I'm getting the timeline here.
How old are you now?
How old is your child?
How long have you been together with your husband?

>>18317685
Basically, I'm considering having an affair with T. It doesn't have to be sexual, but it probably will lead to that, if we're being realistic. Even if I had lashes and bruises covering my body, I doubt my husband would even notice. I'm good looking, and maintain my appearance, but he has no interest. The "chase" is over. I'm pretty sure he has cheated on me, including when I was pregnant and a full-time student 2 hours away. I start nursing school soon. I'm kept very busy with child-rearing, keeping the house tidy, cooking, and with my coursework. So trying to distract myself from my desires has not proved effective.
I just want to get my mind off of my husband. He gives me so much anxiety and makes me severely depressed which in turn affects my coursework and my ability to be a good mother, all the while being perfectly content with himself and how he treats me. I've put so much effort, patience, and understanding into this relationship. Again and again he does the same things. He doesn't "believe in communication". Even after a huge argument, the next day he likes to just pretend nothing happened or just ignore me.
I think if I put less energy into this relationship (and continued to cook and clean for him like normal), I'd be a better mom AND more attractive to him because not only would I be in a much better mood, but I'd be less "naggy" and upset.

>>18317706
Quite clearly, your husband has no interest in a relationship, and only wants an unpaid maid.
Leave him. Move back to your parents if you have to.

>>18317685
>good genetics
It doesn't mean what you think it means.

>Unexpectedly become pregnant
Kek.

>I'm fairly certain he's a narcissist (NPD).
Why that and not simply a dick? Just like with the genetics thing, it's better not to throw around big words.

>There I met T. (continued...)
Nice cliffhanger although it's a bit too obvious where it goes now.

Staying together with him seems like a waste of your time, plus a daddy like that seems like a shitty influence for the kid and the only excuse would be on the financial side, which shouldn't be a problem with child support. Cheating will solve your immediate problem but do nothing good in the long run.

at least get some couples counselling OP and take it from there. my 2c

>>18317692
I am 23, my child is 14 months, almost 15.
I had the baby 2 weeks after we got married (when I was 9 months pregnant). We had known each other for a year and a half prior to that, but we were only engaged for a short while before I became pregnant. He used my pregnancy as leverage to get me to sign a prenup. I was scared (preggo hormones) and under extreme pressure from my family. I was a full-time student at the time as well (no means of supporting myself). He and I had still never had a single argument at this point. I agreed.

>>18317685
there is no intimacy without sex i assume, he feels 2nd. Give him more attention. Thats why he's gone out late.

The only intimacy he gets is getting it in. and that simply doesnt cut it.

If you told me you were into BDSM, id spank you even harder ;)

>>18317710
Divorce has a huge impact on children. Sometimes I think I'd rather suffer through a miserable marriage than divorce. Also, prenup. He owns everything including 'my' car. I have no savings because no jobs. I just got accepted into a really good nursing school. My parents live far away. So that's not really an option.

>>18317714
he exhibits pretty much every symptom of NPD. I would take great measures to keep my affair a secret. We don't really have the daddy/little dynamic btw.
>>18317717
He has zero interest. I mentioned it once and he laughed. He's a workaholic, he wouldn't make time for something like that or pay for it. Plus he doesn't think anything is wrong.

cheating is not an option. if you have the urge to cheat just slit your wrists and kill yourself instead.

take the kid and move back in with your parents; start life over. let your idiotic life choices serve as an example for future generations.

>>18317721

You are young and were careless for falling pregnant with somebody you barely knew. But you already know this.

Leave him, focus on your child and stop fucking around on fetish websites. Your child's well being is more important than you riding a dick right now, so focus on making a secure and loving home.

You've already brought a child into this world and a shitty situation. Now is your time to make sure you do your best for him.

This is assuming he doesn't apply for full custody, using his money to do so.

>>18317729
having a subhuman cheating whore for a mother also has somewhat of a negative impact on kids.

once again you disgusting worthless thing, you chose your life. do the right thing and either tough it up or bail on him and your dreams and go somewhere that you can stabilize you and your kids life without him.

>>18317721
>He used my pregnancy as leverage to get me to sign a prenup
That ain't gonna hold up in court if you get a decent lawyer, especially with the 'preggo hormones make me crazy' shit, and even if you decide to honour the prenup it can't negate child support.

You're thinking about cheating on him, he's (supposedly) cheating on you, cut your losses, you both fucked up. Ultimately having your kid be raised by a dysfunctional couple who hates each other is far worse than happy-but-separated parents. Just don't be a cunt and use the kid against him.

>>18317685
You fucked up already. Divorce is the right choice. Don't let your child be exposed to a narcissist. In the next life, don't have daddy issues.

>>18317724
LOL you're not getting it at all.
I'm the one who wants more attention. He seems to not want to be around us at all. I give him lots of space but also dress up sexily and stay well-groomed. When he comes home I have a lovely dinner prepared. I give him his space while I fix my makeup and otherwise stay well-groomed. Then we watch a show together in bed. I massage his feet and hands. I try to initiate sex. He often says he's too tired and pretends to be asleep. I say okay then go to the bathroom to wash my face. When I come back sometimes he's awake watching the show. We often have a quickie in the morning. No kissing. It's totally understandable, he does work his ass off. But there's just never exciting or passionate sex. Ever. I feel so rejected and unwanted. And I'm young, fit, and attractive by most's standards.

The kid is 2 years old is only going to get harder to move as time goes on

Also
>getting married to someone you knew for only about a year
Lol

>>18317748
>I act like a stepford concubine, so he treats me like one

Gee Anon dunno what the fuck's up with that.

>>18317685
Damn you're in a jam but don't do something foolish like cheat which when you get caught he may try to take your child. Plan your exit (divorce) and while you are miserable know there is an end. I also recommend you secretly consult a divorce attorney to help with your plan. It will take time and you saving some money he knows nothing about. Dump T, you don't need the distraction.

>>18317729
>Divorce has a huge impact on children.
Living in a dysfunctional family even more so.

>I just got accepted into a really good nursing school.
Fair point but you should still plan for a divorce now.

>>18317748
did I mentioned I stay well-groomed

In all seriousness, I do not think divorce is the answer. So: I give up all this hard work and bail on nursing school. Meaning I'd have to work some shit job while living with my parents and wait 2 years until I could-reapply, with a diminished chance of getting accepted. I heavily burden my parents who may or may not pay for school. I'd be in another extremely stressful situation, only my daughter would see her beloved father less, and I'd have zero money or independence.
Or I could have an affair, and pour my renewed energy into my child and school. Obviously I'd got to great lengths to keep it a secret. Once I get my degree and have a job (2 years), then I could consider divorce.

>>18317782
Keeping it a secret takes energy too but yeah, the finishing school without all the drama and then freeing yourself from him sounds like a better way.

>>18317685
The biggest factor here is the child. As their mother you are their god. They will take their cues from you first and foremost, and this will shape the rest of their life. The question you must ask is what it is you want to teach your child:
A. That sometimes you make mistakes and must accept and correct them, however difficult
or
B. It's okay to be a whore

>>18317782
>Obviously I'd got to great lengths to keep it a secret
I'm not commenting on the affair except from a legal perspective and you will be caught. Either you catch the feels for the guy or get sloppy believing you're invisible and better at covering than you actually are. Sounds like your husband would leave you destitute, on the street and without your child if you continue to think with your pussy and not your head.

>>18317782
>I'd have zero money
Completely and utterly false. Prenups are thrown out of court all the time. Child support exists separately to prenups.

Here's the deal, you want the safety and security of Mr. Salaryman and his money, and you also want to have your bit on the side, and you're trying to frame it in such a way that doing this makes you a reluctant hero who is only thinking of your child when in fact you're taking a huge risk that would make everything worse for both yourself and your child just because you can't keep it in your fucking pants.

I weep for your daughter.

>>18317820
I'm proposing keeping the peace with my husband. My child would not find out.

>It's okay to be a whore
No, I should tell them it's okay to be a doormat while the father whores around.

Oh, and when my daughter grows up and has daddy issues of her own don't forget to tell her that it's her fault.

>>18317843
Not at all. I don't want his money. He worked for that. But I'm almost at a place where I'll be able to support myself. Until then I need to find a way to stay sane.
I know I'm being selfish, but I tried the holy martyr thing. I tried only focusing on my motherly and wifely duties. I was utterly miserable and resentful. I do have to have a little bit of a life too. It's absolutely valid that I'm at my best when I'm happy. When I'm this anxious and depressed I'm quick to anger and have little to no desire to interact with my child. I don't think you understand the extent of how lonely and isolating of a situation I'm in. I pour all my energy into trying to improve upon our relationship. I think my efforts turn him off.

>>18317864
>My child would not find out.
Said everyone who has ever cheated. And you'll still be being a doormat. Salaryman will still pump lifeless quickies into you in the morning. You'll still be his maid for those two years.

Your options are not to be a whore or be a doormat. Divorce exists. You both fucked up. Correct the issue whilst there's still time to do so amicably.

dumb whore, divorce, leave the baby to grandparents
never ever give birth again

Even if that prenuptial agreement is held up it only covers assets from BEFORE you got married, you still get half of everything he's made since you got married. Since legally speaking you were one entity.

>>18317883
No one's arguing your situation isn't shit, we're just saying what you need to do is leave.
Divorce has an impact on the child?
Oh, so growing up with an unloving narcissistic father and an emotionally unstable mother who cheats on the father because she can't handle stress without selm-harm-by-proxy won't have a negative impact at all?

>>18317883
>I don't want his money
You're planning on staying with him for two years so he can pay for your life whilst you do your course and fuck around behind his back. You're already taking his fucking money.

Divorce, you idiot. Cheating is never a smart option, no matter what phony justification you try to slap on it. You know what's more damaging to children than divorce? Their parents staying in a shitty marriage and being miserable all the time, transferring that misery to the kid.

Can't wait till your whore ways are exposed and he files for a at fault divorce leaving you penniless along with getting custody of your daughter because of your dangerous sexual lifestyle.
Good riddance, slut.

>>18317782
well you sound like a keeper. it takes two to have a succesfull relationship, and commitment from both.

Get your own feelings on prioriy number one, talk about what you need more. and if that doesnt change, or if he has a differrent oppinion you have 3 choices

1. Split

2. Open relationship

3. Stay frustrated untill death

>>18317729
plan for a divorce.
Plan
for
a
divorce
Then have a normal relationship with T

>>18317782
> her beloved father
this man is trash.You can't help him on your own. he's not beloved. He's making your life hell and he will make hers too.

>>18317883
you're not being selfish.

>>18318048
Yes she is.

Raise money behind his back, consult a divorce lawyer, finish nursing school, file for divorce, get as much money from him as possible (you were his maid and sex toy after all, so why not get something from it?), start a normal relationship.

>>18318049
depends on what you mean by selfish desu.
She's not being selfish in the "I deserve it" way but in the "I'm afraid" way. She's afraid of confronting him. She needs to divorce, for both her child and her, yes, but her problem is not that she's not selfless enough ,but that she isn't honest with herself / courageous enough.

>>18317883
Send him pictures of a giant black vibrator that you want.

From the sound of it your man is doing what he appears to believe is his responsibility to the family in dealing with the incredible ammount of stress that a full-time job is, going above and beyond and staying at work after hours doing his duties till he's blue in the face, and all he wants when he gets home is some food and some sleep, and you keep pestering him about your own selfish woes. Wait till the poor bastard takes a vacation and catches up on his rest and recreational activities and see how he treats you. You sound like an inexperienced and impatient brat from what I've read of you. My adivce is to chill the fuck out and tickle your own g-spot with a dildo instead of potentially ruining a family for your own selfish desires. Consider your man. You have no idea how tired you are after a 60 hour work week. The fact that he toughs it out to let you live in his house is love, and if you don't believe me go get a full-time job yourself and tell me how quickly you're ready to hit the "fuck this stupid bullshit" button.

>>18318084
you must be blind
>Immediately after I had the baby he turned into a completely different person.He dropped a bomb on me that he didn't believe men should change diapers. Or do anything at all to help out, for that matter. I had never even held a child before. I was all alone and isolated in a new state. He started coming home extremely late and smoking. He would see me sitting in a room crying and just walk back out. In our relationship he has never once apologized for anything, and he has done a lot of horrible things, even putting me in danger several times.
her man is not a poor lad he's a fucking abuser

>>18318091
To me those sound like typical hyperbole and exaggeration that young girls tend to spin. Would it be fair to ask for clarification on these instances? Did he roll through a stop sign with them in the car? Did he dangle them over a bridge? Does he have a hobby of throwing knives where he one day slipped on his throw and narrowly missed the baby?

>>18318113
And if she says he did you'll rationalize it away with "well, everyone needs to let off some steam" or accuse her of lying.

>>18318113
>To me those sound like typical hyperbole and exaggeration that young girls tend to spin.
Not to me but you're right in asking for justification.
>>18317685
What kind of things has he done to you before ?

>>18318124
Hello OP.

>>18318150
You make your assumption based on experience with girls exaggerating. I am making my based on experience abusers and apologists trying to downplay the actions against the victims.

Other things indicating that the guy might be that kind of person would be:
>Immediately after I had the baby he turned into a completely different person.
>he didn't believe men should change diapers. Or do anything at all to help out, for that matter. I had never even held a child before.
>He would see me sitting in a room crying and just walk back out. In our relationship he has never once apologized for anything

Though sure, in the end only OP knows and we only get her perspective here.

>>18318168
this

Since the relationship has no good future, I'd say you should start *strategizing* a divorce with a lawyer and then execute it in the next 1-2 years. It will be what's best for both the child and you.

Someone most likely posted this and I missed it, but the biggest risk you run if you start an affair is getting completely legally fucked if it's found out and documented. Not only will you lose your financial ties, but your child as well.

Unfortunately what your saying about not being caught is pretty much a tale as old as time. It's going to get out, it just depends on when. No matter how good you are at being careful, you can't control the person on the other end. It only takes one slip up and the cats out of the bag.In today's age that can be anything from a text/email, wrong FB tag, accidentally leaving some sort of GPS tracker on your phone on, etc etc. Technology is not on your side.

If you really suspect him for cheating, then hire a PI. If you get hard evidence that he's been unfaithful then you can void the prenup and for sure hold full custody of your child. If you can't find anything cut your losses and get out with the best deal you can.

Again, there is no upside to cheating and will only land you in hot water. Don't fool yourself to think you'll be the exception. Play the long game and get out.

>>18317732
>>18317735

I agree with this completely. OP you're being pretty selfish having the fucking kid and for wanting to sneak around to 'fix' your own problems.

Ugh another fucking bait thread?

>>18318113
No, I was being very literal. I understood he was stressed out by the whole new baby thing, but I was too. He grew up the middle child in a family of 12. I was an only child. The most effort he has ever put into raising her is to wake me up at 3 a.m. and tell me the baby is crying. When you're not even supposed to comfort them in the middle of the night after a certain point or it'll become a bad habit. I was totally isolated and alone. I had a newborn that cried all the time. I breastfed. I didn't leave the house except for doctor's visits for the first 4 months. After that I immediately went to summer school and would come straight home after class to study. Then school in the fall, same thing. I don't have any friends. I try to get close to his family but they are uber religious. His father is a pastor. Speaking in tongues and exorcism kinda stuff. Too extreme for me.
I have asthma and I don't want smoke anywhere around the baby anyways. He quit when he met me. Just quit cold turkey. He was doing fine up until the day of her birth. Because it's just sooo stressful for him.
He has literally never apologized. Again, he is a narcissist. He doesn't believe he can be wrong.
If he does something cruel to me, it's because I deserved it somehow.

>>18318113
Putting me in danger- one example was him getting way too drunk (when I was also drunk, and the whole purpose of the outing was that I had pumped milk so I could have a break and drink for once and see one of my fav artists) at a crowded music festival. He told me to go get him a beer. I couldn't find him when I came back. He had abandoned me. When I texted him he said "met some new friends, got in VIP" and ignored all my calls. I walked around looking for him for the rest of the concert. I was a young, attractive drunk girl in a HUGE crowd. I got whistled at, followed, and I could barely see straight. I was just wondering the street trying to get away from everyone when I finally saw him, just chatting up a group of mostly girls. When I walked up, tears streaking down my face, he just glanced over and continued on with his conversation. I said we needed to call a taxi. He told me he had sobered up. Then when we were on the road he drove crazily fast. I was screaming begging him to slow down or let me out. He went even faster. When we get home he drinks more and passes out. Every time I try to talk to him about anything, he flat out ignores me or leaves.

>>18318229
I don't have money for a PI. He is very careful anyways. I'm pretty sure in TN fault is irrelevant in divorces. But I will try and consult a lawyer after I get a job.

>>18318448
the fuck are you still doing with him

>>18318448
Okay OP, your husband is obviously broken. If you have to take legal action against him in the future, keep track of the times he has put you in danger. Keep him away from the child as much as possible.

So you married someone that has no idea how to be responsible. Typical middle child syndrome. He acts out for love and attention. He has jumped to these extremes due to past emotional trauma. Want to know the trigger, it's that baby that you both irresponsibly made.

You see where I'm going. Let him know that you love him and need for him face his fears in order to fix this situation. He needs your help and if your love is what fixes him, then you'll never have to worry about him cheating.

>>18317706
why not just leave him? the marriage seems worthless now anyways.

what are your excuses to cheat on him, when you are alone, not providing food on the table?

>>18317685
i will try to gather your credentials, and then inform your husband about this thread.

>>18318651
Do us a solid and kill a faggot thanks. Yourself, that is.

This will sound really fucked up but I will throw this out here anyways.. have you tried to communicate with him about this? Im not trying to justify his actions but sometimes people get wrapped up in their own head so that they dont see clearly whats going on. For both of you.

You sound like a good wife who does everything shes supposed to do. Maybe you can try to confront him about this stuff. Since every relationship is not a walk in the park. Every family has issues and nothing guarantees you that your next husband will be a lot better.

>>18317685
>good genetics
Is that you, /pol/?
>>Unexpectedly become pregnant (I know, I know)
Unexpectedly! Babies are born under cauliflower.
>first thoughts are abortion
is this bait or are all women like that?
>horrible things
Be more specific

>I want BDSM sex
Now here we are in full bait domain... but I'll answer for the sake of it.

Assuming your fucking relationship is dysfunctional as you say, you don't have the fucking level of fucking trust that is fucking necessary to enjoy BDSM.

>I start spanking myself
That's self-hatred, not genuine BDSM involvement.

To-do list:
>Stop hating yourself
>Stop projecting everything on the child
>put your relationship back standing

My mom had several affairs and although I know my dad can be hard to live with, I will never like or respect her again, and we have a pretty distant relationship.

I'm not some angsty teenager. I'm almost 30 and my parents divorced like 17 years ago. If you think it's worth it for the child you brang into the world to think you're a piece of shit for the rest of your life, by all means fuck around.

Or just get a divorce.

>>18317685
>Stable job, good genetics
are you that chick who slept with 40 guys and made a thread about how to keep her good gene fiance?

File: 20180706368_d7e9f6ea04_b[1].jpg (321KB, 1024x683px) Image search: [Google]

321KB, 1024x683px

I wish you lived nearby so I could tie you up and spank you like you deserve it.

on a more serious note, finish school before considering filing for divorce. and you really deserve a spanking for getting married at 22, to a guy you haven't dated for more than a year for fucks sake.

>>18317685
Between getting divorced and cheating you might as well leave. Your husband sounds like a fucking man child what the hell made you love this man? I don't blame you OP....but none of your needs are being met, he doesn't even meet your child's need. Get out now, don't be low and cheat. Be up front with his ass.

>>18317883
This cognitive dissonance. I wish you'd walk in front of an oncoming train.

I'm 24 and pregnant with my first child. My baby daddy and I have a shitty relationship and when we have sex together I don't even look at him and when were done I can't put two and two together that they're the same!s person. I'm in the same situation as you in the way I don't want to rely on my parents and I need help through school, which is just help with babysitting and housing cause he doesn't pay for shit, but my plan is to bite the bullet for my child. It's my fault for getting pregnant by an idiot and a boy who doesn't love or respect me. Once I'm on my feet I have full intentions of leaving him and providing for my child on my own.
If it's rlly just the sex that you're worried about tho, you need to by a fuckin vibrator and do your own shit to yourself when you have time. Don't degrade yourself into a cheater. Make your kid proud and get your focus straight. You sound weak as fuck. Get on your grind and focus on your child, stop being selfish. Quit your whining and work hard to GTFO and get something better for you and your child.
Luck!

Realistically cheating is only kicking the point where you have to or want to end it down the road a short way and adding a whole bunch of extra drama. Cheating will give you good short term attention but it will always lead to you either still feeling alone because you don't have any real full relationships or will make you feel awful you can't be with the guy you're seeing for real. Meanwhile your husband will continue existing and sucking and you'll just resent him more but also be a shitty person.

And divorce impacts children but having your parents stuck in unhappy marriages while they fuck around on one another screws up a kid's idea of a happy life way worse. The kid will notice you're unhappy. The kid will notice you aren't loyal to your relationship. The kid will REALLY fucking notice when you have a contentious divorce because mommy was found fucking some guy.

Don't be fucking stupid and gather up the pieces of your life and make a life you can be proud to show your kid. A person who values relationships, values personal happiness, is loyal and genuine, a person who can pick themselves back up and make something new.