relationship woes

>i don’t know, how important would it be to you for your partner to be in martial arts as well?

I imagine most people wouldn't put this weirdly high of an emphasis on it. I guess it makes sense to want to date someone of a similar fitness level though. Why would you pay for him for a year if he went 3 times? You sound a little autisticly high and mighty with your "you need to be able to stop purse snatchers with your aikido" shit, to be honest, but yeah. I mean people value what they value, if he doesn't value what you do, I guess fuck it?

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>>18311234
i don't mean to be high and mighty. i just feel like he has zero idea about fitness and martial arts would help with that, and i think that taking your own personal safety in your own hands is extremely important, plus its sort of a fetish of mine to be in a realtionship with someone whos in martial arts, its important for me to feel attracted to him, and it sucks knowing that i could kick his ass and he's so much weaker and more out of shape then i am, he's like pretty much obese.

>>18311243
Not being attracted to someone because they're out of shape is totally fair. I don't think I could date a fat person desu. Also yeah fetishes matter, even if they sound nonsensical. Have you tried telling him you're less attracted to him than he could be or whatever? Are you so disappointed with him you want to end the relationship?

The taking life into your own hands aspect still sounds silly to me, but hey I'm just some skinny upper middle class university student who's never been in a fight.

>>18311243
Maybe you should let him pick his own martial art. Boxing, for instance. Tho tbf it sounds like he's a lardarse who wouldn't want to do any of them.

>>18311250
Many women want to date a man that they feel will protect them or react quickly in a threatening situation. If my purse was snatched I'd want my man to react quickly and at least attempt to stop them, that doesn't mean chasing them down, but I'd be a bit annoyed if he just stood there.

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>>18311250
i've tried telling him that although i still find him attractive its getting depressing how much he's let him self go and its depressing how attractive he could be if he just took care of him self.

it only need to be in danger once for it to completely upset or ruin or even take away your life, you shouldn't wait for a terrible situation to take start taking your own personal safety in your own hands. being threatened by someone violent is one of the most painful and horrifying experiences you can go through especially if you have no idea what to do

>>18311253
theres not much available in the environment and i want him to take this paticular martial art because

1 i can vouch for it as being legit and not terrible

and

2 its something we can do together

he says shit like aikido is a cult and aikido is basically Scientology, and that "i'm willing to become more physically fit but your telling me it HAS to be aikido" making it seem like specifically aikido is the problem, but there is no problem with specifically aikido, he's just a fucking lard ass. and i'm kind of just getting fucking sick of it. his knees are fucked from schlatingers and he's obese and he will go days without going out side and when he does its his one class a week or burger king or MAYBE to hang out with his friends SOMETIMES and i just can't handle it any more. its like dating a rotting corpse. i hate being physically fit and dating someone who is the complete opposite of that, and i hate that we can't do martial arts together, it fucking sucks.

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OP: you have every right in the world to care about X thing in your relationship. Fitness, in this case.
Your bf clearly doesn't care and that's the issue: him not interested in X. You'll have to keep thinking about how important that thing is in your life.

In my humble opinion, there are more important stuff than fitness. I do apreciate staying fit and knowing how to self defend yourself and others, but if the goal is the destination and not the journey itself, then you should just buy a weapon, a mace or a tazer.

>>18311262
Yeah for sure, I agree a protective guy must be attractive. I don't mean to be contrary anyway, guess I just hesitate to agree too much that someone's partner is unattractive. But if what op/you value isn't what your partner values, that's a problem. Gotta be attracted to your partner, and you can't help what qualities you're attracted to.

Tbh I was just being a dick in my first post so disregard it.

>>18311266
This, especially after reading >>18311265 OP, it sounds like you put a bad taste in his mouth for aikido. Don't get me wrong, he also just sounds fucking lazy which is fine but not a good match for you, but you've probably made him sick about hearing about aikido. Just like you're sick of hearing his shit against it, by the sounds of it. If you push too hard, he'll push back just as hard. You have to change tactics, use positive reinforcement, get over it or break up with him.

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>>18311266
i have to admit though, even if he was fit, and even if he was even in a martial art. if the martial art wasn't like tai chi or some other martial art that i specifically was into, it would still bother me, even if it was some other martial art that i was into but not aikido, it would still bother me, the aikido dojo is in walking distance, and i'm willing to pay for him, and its something we can do together and help eachother get better at, and him rejecting that just feels like such a god damn waste, that it makes me mad. i have to admit that so that people giving me advice can acknowledge just how crazy i might be about it. because it feels like a deal breaker sort of even if he was going to the gym and shit.

it just doesn't help that he's also such a god damn lard ass. sigh. i hate that i can just beat him up.

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>>18311274
i'm sort of feeling the same way, i have straight up made fun of him and called him fat ass and a faggot over his reasons for not being able to go. his reasons are actually retarded though.

>"i don't like being touched by people i don't know"
>"i don't like being barefoot and around people who are barefoot because it makes me uncomfortable because i have a footfetish" (which doesn't mean that he gets turned on, just that its like being around people while their genitals are showing)
>"i don't like being around strangers"
>"i don't like being judged physically"
>"i'm really uncoordinated and i feel exposed and stupid when i can't even roll properly"
>"i don't like commiting to a specific time to excercise in a schedule"
>"because it starts at five thirty and ends at seven, i basically can't do anything before class, and have to go to bed when i get home from class" (this statement might be the most retarded of all, but they are all so retarded excuses so its hard to pick which one is the most retarded.

i hear that shit and i just want to call him a huge faggot and mock him.

i don't know if its too late or not to try and convince him, he associates it to essentially being cucked by me and him being my bitch and me grooming him and treating him like a pet that i'm training to obey me.he's like stuart from mad tv, all "LET ME DO IT!" and really intense about his own agency, even when he wants to make incredibly stupid decisions. the fact that i'm being so forceful and condescending about how he should go makes him not want to go, he says shit like the reason i pay for him to go is so i can guilt trip him into going and not just because i want him to be able to go.

>>18311284
Christ, yeah I wouldn't want to go to aikido either if I were him. Don't get me wrong, I respect that you're sticking to your values here, but you seem kind of... Fucking mean about it dude. He sounds like he's a whiney punching bag in a lot of ways, and that's why he's so against this aikido thing. It's the one thing he's decided to keep agency on, and I'm proud of him for having a backbone in something.

Like I said, not trying to vilify you either here, but it kind of does sound like you're very dominant over him, and part of why you want him to go to this is so he'll be more dominant but first he has to admit defeat to you and go to this thing you keep rambling about... Seems like a catch 22.

He's got poor self confidence and you're making it worse and making him hate the idea more. Change strategies and try some positive reinforcement to make him hate it less.

>>18311298
i can come across as dominant at times. its funny because we have bdsm sex where he's the dom and i'm the sub, but he has often said that i'm really the dom in this relationship. his style of domming is me submitting to him voluntarily, and my style of subbing is i like to be dominanted and conquered so to speak

he's said harsh shit to me, like i'm crazy or a psycho path, we both have a history of saying mean things to eachother, but i sort of have a feeling that i can be more hard hitting then he can, and that i am better at taking it then he is. even though we both put up a tough front. in alot of ways he's more senstive then i am.

i literally don't know what to do at this point to try and be positive about it when i haven't spoken to him in a few days becasue we got in a fight about this as well as a bunch of other terrible habits he has. like with not showering in weeks or eating at two in the morning or never leaving the house, he's becoming a bachler frog, a hikikomori, its depressing.

i'm stuck in my own catch 22 because it feels like he responds badly if i get aggressive and he's enabled if i go easy on him and i don't know the right balance to strike to get him to change. and i don't know how much its valid for me to specifically need him to go to aikido, but it feels like i can't fucking help it. i want him to wear the gi and the hakuma, i want him to learn the moves and be able to do them on me, its comforting and also exciting to a level that other shit just isn't, and i've done alot in this relationship to try and be sex for him (which he disregards by saying he never "needed" me to do that). it feels like if i can let him tie me up and spank me and throat fuck me until i cry, he can go to martial arts everyonce in a while.

that isn't to say that i don't enjoy being treated that way during sex, its just it is still something i'm doing for him that is difficult that i wish he could reciprocate by going to martial arts.

>>18311312
The description of him throat fucking you and tying you up was hot af just saying. Sorry not sorry.

Anyway it's 6:45am and I haven't slept so I'm not gonna bother with a long reply, but one part that stood out to me was the "harsh shit" you say to each other. If your insults are calling him a lard ass faggot etc and his insults are calling you a psycho bitch... I can't help but feel like you're the bad guy here. Don't get me wrong, he is lazy and fat, but you're insulting him for who he is as a person. He's "insulting" you based on the fact that you treat him like shit.

I realise I don't know details, but seriously think what it means if you call him a lazy lard ass faggot and he calls you a mean bitch.

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>>18311333
i meant to say that he psycho analyzes me and explains to me why i am an actual psychopath, or says that my behaviour is related to why i have no emotions, or are manipulative.

or alternatively he says that my behaviour is because i'm "borderlining the fuck out".

its more comparable then you think, but i do think that i can be more "effective" so to speak at hurting his feelings then he can at me. i was more socialized growing up, i was bullied alot more then he was growing up, so i can dish it and take it better then he can.

i don't know, should i start talking to him again?

>>18311194
this is bait.
but a gun would be 300 dollars and stop more purse robbers

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>>18311358
a gun is useless without the physical and mental conditioning to use it properly, and you also have to be in a situation where it is justified.

also i live in canada, i'm a fucking leaf, we don't get to have guns because we are law abiding citizens. other wise i'd have a sig sauer, although i'd still be in martial arts.

I am in no real right to give relationship advice to anyone seeing as I have very little personal experience of it, BUT (from my own narrow view) I think... well shit, your partner seems straight up depressed and your needs won't likely get fulfilled by him in this state. You can try to help him, which you have indirectly done by the aikido thing (granted, done partly for your own sexual desires, which I personally must admit are close in line with my own) but it hasn't worked for whatever reasons and it seems he's just gotten used to the state of his/your living as it is, which isn't really motivating him to change.

I'm not gonna advocate for you to do anything in particular since I don't know either of you, but going by the objective info you've given I would suggest doing the hard choice..

>>18311265
>he says shit like aikido is a cult and aikido is basically Scientology
well, japanese martial arts do tend to have spiritual stuff and what-not attached to them