Ruined my relationship with the love of my life

>>18309825


Here she thinks I completely disregarded her, but it honestly sounded like she wanted more lube because anytime it's been dry when we've fucked in the past, she tells me it hurts (exact same way she told me that night) , which I put more lube on and we're happy. I thought that's what she meant, but she meant that her ass literally hurt. I should've stopped right there, but I didn't. I hate myself so much. So we start going again and I'm listening for if she says stop it hurts, no, stop, etc. She says stop and I stop. After the fact she's telling me crying that she was saying no the entire time, which wasn't true because I was specifically listen for a no, I knew it mist definitely would hurt so I was actively listening. I told her i didn't recall you saying anything until you did, because I stopped once I heard her, but I didn't try and change her mind on that since it would've just sounded like me trying to tell her "nononono you're totally wrong!" She told me I should've seen her face that she didn't want it as we were going, but we were doing it from behind so I physically couldn't see her face, plus I was asking if she's fine and it was "yep" each time. I feel like she was thinking it, but didn't say it out loud until she did and wishes I stopped. She was sexually assaulted three years ago (which I found out after the fact) and I honestly think that experience is clouding her judgement of the situation, as in it felt X therefore X must've happened. I'm not saying she's wrong though, it's honestly all perspective and hers was awful, I don't blame her but still..

We both noticed a drop of blood rolling down her leg and I quickly wiped it up, I usually help wipe cum off so it was sorta the same thing for me. Then she runs towards the bathroom and I think there must me shit coming and she didn't want it to go everywhere. She's in the bathroom crying and I'm trying to comfort her thinking it must hurt a lot right now. She was wiping off a bit more blood and went we went back to her room I looked into the toilet bowl and I barely saw any blood. She says there was so much blood, I'd bet my dog that there wasn't more than 5 drops of blood. However I wouldn't argue about such a thing because it wouldn't get either of us anywhere and it'd make things worse.

First time trying anal went sideways, and she feels like I sexually assaulted her by not stopping when she was saying no, even though they didn't happen. I'm more concerned that I pressured her the second time, regarding the 'promise' bit. Long story short, she told a friend what happened and that friend has and did manipulate what actually happened and she lost all her friends. Now whenever she thinks about not having friends, what happened between us two comes up in her thoughts too, since it was the direct result of that night. Now whenever marriage is brought up, she thinks how can I marry someone who did this to me within the last two months. I'm not saying that's not good, I know she needs more time to get over it, but honestly, she made that night out to be WAY worse than what actually happened.

In no way am I saying what happened was acceptable, I hate myself for pressuring her into doing it again, but it was a drunk sex mistake, I wish she said "no my ass hurts" rather than saying what she says when it's about to go in raw dry dog, the whole not very communicative really added to that night. Most of all, I wish I never suggested it, it was definitely the worst decision I've ever done.

I talked about it with my close friends and they all say it was anal gone wrong, no physical assault (I still hate that I pressured her), but the whole friend situation is what bothets her the most about it all. They say she regrets it and putting the blame on me. Like she knows me well enough to know I would stop when she'd say no, not keep going.

A month ago she told me her kill count was 4 rather than 2 which destroyed my trust with her. She was depressed went we met and she'd fuck a rando to try to feel better? She's an emotional chore sometimes, but it bothers me that I always thought it was two. I can answer any other questions about this if any.

So I don't know how to go now, it's gotten much better but once every few weeks now she gets super depressed about what happened and the stress that followed, and she's devastated that she lost her friends. I'm trying to do everything in my power to make up that night; introduce her to new people, go out, when she's depressed about it all I buy her flowers and twizzlers (she loves those). I don't know whether she'll ever be able to move past it, I hope we do, 95% of the time we're so happy together, however I have a sicking feeling that she'll never fully move on (I don't blame her) or I may want to give up on her after some time or vise versa.

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It's awful to hear how you hurt someone and that the relationship will probably never be what it once was, I hate it and myself. Is it worth being hopeful things will work out and there won't be hesitation? We've come a long way since then, but the depressed days are killer. We both want to be together, hence why we're still together. Is there anything I could do to attempt to fix this or should I debate breaking it off? (I wouldn't really want to but still)

I'll try to answer any questions about the event or anything else. Thanks for reading this.

>>18309825
Dump op. I will make tldr for you.
>fucked gf of 2 years while being drunk, tried anal for first time. Later same evening second try, she told me to stop but i went full retarded. She got hurt and now blames me for being retarded.
>later she told me she slept with 4 dudes (not 2) just to make me sad.
>wanted marry the bitch, but now we have semi broken relationship.

You know what op? Buy flowers to her, promise to her you wont ever get drunken again so you never repeat same mistake again and buy some hooliday trip for both of you as an expensive apologize.

Just be sorry. People do way more dumb things than trying to put penis in wrong hole.

With a bit of luck, you will be loving couple again.

>>18309904
Thanks for the summary bro.

Thing is I've already told her sorry countless times and bought her flowers and such. She brought up the guys thing because she mistakenly said two when I asked and felt awful that she never corrected it. I think time will tell, but I don't have forever to wait.

>>18309921
You see, actions are more powerful than words. She staying with you means she wants to. You staying with her means the same thing.

Girls are emotional beings, not logical. You cant use alcohol card as an excuse. You simply showed her that you are able to do things to her she doesnt want herself. Basically the same as rape.

And some girls never really get over the rape. They carry it as scar on their soul forever.

Imho your best bet is to stop talking about that incident, hug her when she cries, tell her she is important for you and listen to her when she babbles and dont even try to come up with excuse / solution for her troubles. Just listen.

Just be as best bf as you can be. Invite her on dates. Be cuddly. Dont pressure her into sex until she will want it first (maybe never again? so fap instead) and set up some deadline. If it wont get better in that time, just break up. Nothing more you can do.

>>18309945
Wow. That's the most solid advice I've ever heard. We were supposed to talk about fucking tonight, but I guess I'll let her bring it up, however she sometimes waits for me to bring it up. You know what? If I don't feel the urge to, I won't bring it up.

So if it comes up again, I can't just dismiss it, I'll buy her flowers, listen, and tell her how important she is to me.

Okay OP first of all... these things are shady territory and likely your two versions will just never match up. Asking you to read her face when you're going at it from behind is pretty silly and I strongly doubt there was "loads of blood" and she did not feel the need to check if everything was okay medically.
What it sounds like is that she had a horrible experience and she is looking for additional "proof" that her feelings are legitimate. If she bled a ton, that would be a very concrete and physical thing to point to showing - look, this is how much you hurt me.

But the real issue is psychological, not medical. I understand your story. I sympathize with being drunk and jumping to conclusions but you have to realize that this was not "a drunken sex mistake". A mistake is jamming it in her thigh crease when you mean to go for her vagina. Yes there was some miscommunication but your priorities also shifted because you were drunk.

It is not just pressuring her to tell her "you promised" when she says no. The subtext is - I don't care too much about whether you want to or not. I'm going to stand by my technical right to do it regardless of whether you want it.
You don't have to tell me that this was not going through your mind (if much was). But it's the message it gives off. That you are only thinking about your own needs and whether or not she will accomodate them.

Something else: not looking up, either before getting drunk or afterwards, how to actually do anal. Going in dry? Really? You are lucky if she could take just that, it would leave some girls whimpering with pain if they aren't used to it. That's something else that gives off a red flag like you just don't care much about whether she has a good time or not.

Essentially, she agreed to try new territory with you. She bared herself and made herself extremely vulnerable. And you made her feel like you were not looking out for her during that at all.

>>18309980
I agree with the other post saying action speaks louder than words. Time is also better than anything else for healing that is not achieved through a mere apology. But I would not wait for her to bring it up again. If you do, you risk giving her the idea that you are now scrambling to act like you too thought it was a big deal once she makes it into an issue. I'd be pro-active and tell her it left a bad taste in your mouth and use it as an opening to ask her how to handle these situations in the future, how to make sure she never feels that way again. (Eg what to do when you have mixed feelings but she tells you it's okay.)