LTR rut and rediscovered kinks

It managed to hit all six of my cylinders despite how tragic the scene was (to the point that the guilt over it getting me volcanic and infuriated drained me of my normally hearty appetite, focus, and prior healthy self-assurance that fantasies like these are totally common which was thankfully reset upon receiving some kind and gentle advice about it and it has since totally relit my pilot light with me inserting myself and my boyfriend/old fuck buddy/much older schoolgirl crush in the roles) and I want to share it with my boyfriend, scripted and all (with instructions and safewords as I think that I should not show him the scene) as soon as we work out the mechanics of regular vanilla sex first.

Three problems: what if he finds it undoable and revolting (understandable as he's a gentle, patient, and passive kind of guy, more so when we're alone and is afraid of hurting me as he's 6'5" and I'm 5'3"), what if he won't let me outsource it, and what do I do about sharing where the scene came from with any other future potential male partners? He has more jealousy issues than I do and this is the first long term relationship for either of us.

I have thought about opening the relationship for a while but I don't know how to feel. Sure, it would leave the both of us open to explore more due to physical distance but I haven't been terribly keen on casually hooking up as a one time deal, I like being able to forge connections despite me not being the most social girl (I get withdrawn and paranoid of my shitbag qualities easily and fear the clinginess that I've exhibited when I was younger and have since avoided) and he understandably fears falling back down the rabbit hole of porn addiction and no longer masturbates regularly even though I try to assure him that it should be fine. Basically, I could see myself trying to work with it if it's agreed upon but he may have more trouble. I will also admit that the opposite may turn out to be true and I worry about being left out or left behind myself.

And there's physical issues. Aside from what may be vaginismus, I also have my clit caught in its own death grip. He's been gaining weight but is at least trying to work on his breath. And I'm gonna work on getting a MM car, exercise, and therapy.

TL;DR/CHY: haven't done much due to distance and physical factors, libido kickstarted once again due to tragic fictional rape scene that I shouldn't have found hot and want to re-enact despite past self assurance that these fantasies are common, thinking about opening relationship but don't know where to start due to slow start and my own self inflicted BS.

What? sounds like your dude doesn't want to fuck you. If he hasn't found out that you're a dirty little slut yet maybe you should tell him. You should definitely tell him about your fantasy, maybe it'll lead to some out of the blue fucking.

Porn addiction is BS, if a guy doesn't want to fuck you it's because he's not attracted to you or he doesn't feel comfortable around you. It sounds like your BF is the one with the problem, at least it sounds like you've pinned most of the lack of sex on him. If you really are doing everything to wet his appetite for fucking you, then maybe you both just don't match.

>>18309297
I also have the low libido problems too (I ended up with a revolving wardrobe of BC methods each more unpredictable and awful than the last and now I'm trying to take it more consistently and this one appears to finally be working and I'm trying to work with new doctors to fix my fatigue)

>>18309241

It sounds like he doesn't really want to have sex with you (which is fortunate I guess, as you mentioned low libido as well).

Did you guys have sex in the beginning, in the infatuation period?

>>18309420
We tried but he wasn't into it and we didn't have a lot of privacy. Plus I found out that he was taking Cialis, he explained himself and I'm fine with him taking it if he still needs to. Then the shoe was on the other foot for a long while and now we're trying to kick them off.

Thanks to the folks who responded so far, got another doc's appointment next week and we'll be talking about some more of the physical concerns I have