abuse

This shit is NOT about you, and your job is NOT to take care of her, to fix her, or to make everything right for her.

That is all shit she has to do by herself, for herself.

Don't get so ducking big headed you think you are the center of her universe. Even if that DID become the truth, it would be MASSIVELY unhealthy and probably become toxic for the both of you.

Stop feeling sorry for her, codling her, or trying to fix her.

For all intents and purposes, pretty much just forget that she has a lot of shit on her history and treat here like a normal person. Go ahead and make a few allowances and work with her when she needs it, but that is the exception, not the rule.

She needs to stand on her own, and you need to not see her as a victim and yourself as some savior.

You ain't that all omnipotent. No one is.

>>18298183
Just hug her. Be the fighter.

https://youtu.be/0KvWPgPGTX8

>>18298208
thanks anon needed to hear this

>>18298183
>36
>menal issues
>expired date to have children without issues
>11 years older

Run op. No girl is wort so much.

I'm not blaming the victim. These exes do have anger problems but I suspect if it's a trend then there is something mentally wrong with your girlfriend - perhaps she provokes. There's always a good reason why people get stuck in abuse cycles and subconsciously seek out abusers. Anyway, yeah she needs help.

>>18298208
As a guy with a heavily depressed gf this hits too close to home. Good advice.

How do you know she isn't lying? Pathological liars do exist.

>>18298208
This. Just not being crazy is all the help she needs from you and honestly, all the help you have to offer.

I've been in a similar situation with a girl who had been abused and >>18298208 is right. Your attempts to get her to see a therapist or try meditation are probably not going to help and are going to seem patronizing. You help her if she asks you to help her, and you listen if she wants to talk. If you want to help her, the best thing you can do is to be a good partner and not abuse her in any way.

>>18298907
I think I can do that. I try to remind myself when I get down thinking about it that it happened before I met her and the only thing I should feel is happiness I can make her life better. But she is really interested in meditation, i think it'll help, and it's nice to have something to connnect on. Will only bring up therapy if she is getting triggered too often. She talks of suicide when she was drunk last month, and it was too real. I think I somehow convinced her to turn around the idea of it. But it makes me scared that if it ever ends she will act okay to spare me feeling bad and then be in a really bad place.

>>18299240
>But it makes me scared that if it ever ends she will act okay to spare me feeling bad and then be in a really bad place.

This anon >>18298208 chiming in again

So the first girl I ever fell in love with was surged and raped at a party, and then her boyfriend dumped her because of it. She developed some trust issues because of it, started drinking and partying harder to try and forget, and started going down a cycle of almost self-loathing.

When I met her, she was still trying to work through that cycle, and she was struggling, but still a very bright and warm person--which is what attracted me to her.

But I wasn't able to cope with her past. I thought I was, but on some level I went through a lot of the same thought s you're going through right now, trying to figure out ways to make her happy and prove that's I'd be there for her and everything would be alright. But that wasn't what I needed to do. And you know what, she wasn't ready for that either. She wasn't ready to deal, she didn't want to be taken care of, or for things to be fixed, she just wanted to escape. We were both just to young.

Fast forward a fair number of years to now. My girlfriend has an even worse past, possibly near that of your girlfriend.

To be honest, after two years I don't know the full shape of what went down, just that it happened while she was a child, that it was either her uncle or her father (when we first met, she SAID uncle, but I suspect it really was her father), that he also tortured her (ciggerette buts, lighters, etc), and also may have gotten or tried to get other people involved. She's had years of therapy, but whenever she mentions any of this stuff she always mentions it in vagaries and its almost always after she has a nightmare.

This is all stuff she wants to stay in her past, that she's worked hard to move forwards from,amen that she wants not to define her or be associated with her future.

>cont.

>>18299375
When we first started dating, at one point she pulled me aside and said, "Hey, there's something I have to tell you. I really really really hope this doesn't freak you out and make you run away, because I really lie you, but there's something you should know before we get too serious[...]"

The first words out of my mouth: "Thank you for choosing to trust me enough to share that with me."

And then she started tearing up and said, "I didn't even know there was a perfect response until now. Thank you for not saying, 'I'm sorry'."

This all kind of is all meant to highlight two things:

For one, we were BOTH in a place where we were BOTH better equipped to deal with it all and move forwards with our lives. In fact, other from a few things (like nightmares and certain scent scent based triggers) it plays very little influence in our day to day live.

And two, one of the most terrifying and scarring parts of rape isn't the idea of being hurt or abused, it's actually the psychological horror of being out in a situation where you are helpless, of not being able to do anything, of having any and all choices removed from you and being reduced to some lesser thing known as a helpless victim that has no power, no say, and is dwarfed by the situation. And then having that define you.

THAT is exactly why my words were so effective. I didn't even think about it when I said them, but I didn't try to coddle her or feel sorry for her, I acknowledged that it was her choice--something done under her own power--to tell me that and thanked her for it.

That was part of the base of my first comment,

You are not her care taker.

It is not your job to be save her.

If she wants to get better, she will, and it should be under her own power. Because she needs to understand for herself that she has that.

whether she's ready or not should be entirely up to her, and all you can do is proceed as normal and trust her. One day at a time. Don't overthink it.