How to end arguments with my partner

P-please respond

>>18279458
>logic
Lol never do that again.

And answer is very easy. Just let her win. To argue / have a war, you need two sides of conflict. If one side surrenders, then there is nor war / argument to win.

Sooner or later she will realize how dumb it is or your value in her eyes will decrease so low she will break up with you.

But dont worry, unstable girls unable to find balance in life arent worth of long relationships anyway.

>>18279458
Logic is subordinate to the leadership of emotion, champ.

If she isn't seeing why you feel a certain way, you're prone to the statistics fallacy - ordered the right way, "statistics can show practically anything". The same goes for "logic" and rationality.

She drives you to the point of emoting, and that she can trust.

Try finding an emotional wavelength early, seek first to understand.

Here's your problem. You're trying to FIX the problem. You're trying to come up with solutions and think that's what she's looking for. You're trying to make her understand YOUR side of things.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

She wants her own feelings justified and understood. Your dumbass is giving solutions that she's already thought of and you're probably making her feel like you're not even listening to her. Empathize with HER. Nod and say "Yeah, that sucks. I totally see where you're coming from. What do you think we should do together as a couple to fix this?"

Stop thinking of arguments as you vs her.

Arguing with a woman is pointless. They are right you are wrong. End of story.

Just sit quietly and nod your head.

when you get so jilted you act out emotionally, this is what she wants. try to win logically all you want, she's trying to win emotionally and when you freak out, you lost

> I can try to use logic (this always fails and takes stuff to the next level)
Logic isn't a good way to go about arguing with a partner, approaching an argument trying to "win" is counter-productive. Do you want to be right/prove your superiority and make the other person feel less than you or do you want to actually win- by having your relationship stronger and happier with both people feeling listened to and cared for.

You mentioned you apologize or try to understand things from her perspective, which is definitely good. But keep in mind you're doing that for her sake not yours- so you need to make sure she's feeling understood and that you're sincere. Let her talk about how she's feeling and what matters to her when an argument comes up, respond appropriately (mirror her emotion to an extent, but instead of directing it at her just direct it at the general 'unfairness' of whatever she's upset about). Look up active listening and see if that helps her calm down any.

Other than that, you should talk to her when she's calm and come up with strategies that you can both use to argue more healthfully. She should probably look into anger management and breathing strategies, maybe even practice walking away during an argument to go calm down and come back to discuss it later. In fact both of you going out for a walk together as you argue, or doing some other task/challenge together while arguing can help you feel more like you're on the same side. You can also suggest couple's counselling to work on this.

>>18279581
>just let her win until your value in her eyes will decrease until she breaks up
Fuck no. What kind of advice is that? I rather break up, but she has a lot of good qualities that I love and seek in a woman and that many others don't seem to have. It's just the problem at hand that's putting a halt to all this love.
>>18279585
>Try finding an emotional wavelength early, seek first to understand.
I do seek to understand, as stated above. Sometimes I can't find the emotional wavelength because I feel that she is over-exaggerating stuff and blowing things out of proportion so I try to take things down a notch and explain my side of the situation or why I'm innocent in this and she's over-reacting. I'm not telling that to her face, but I try to explain my side which just snowballs things even further.

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>>18279458
Ignore her

Women don't WANT you to argue back, they don't WANT you to validate their grievances and whinings, and they don't WANT to find a "solution" to what you're arguing about.

Women don't argue like men do. They're not trying to analyze a topic and exchange ideas until one side can reach a logical conclusion. Women express their emotions when they "argue". She WANTS you to dismiss her tantrum. Women are terrorists bruh. You don't negotiate with terrorists.

Never

>Negotiate
>Yell back
>Plead
>Explain
>Apologize

Or any of that bitch-made shit with a woman. I'm dead ass serious, she will respect you more. Understand: men HAVE emotions, women ARE emotions. And it's your job as a man to bring her back down to earth when she's having an emotional bout of diarrhea. It's your job to let her know you're cool as a cucumber and won't let her feelings budge you one inch, that her childishness will not be tolerated.

They actually find comfort and renewed attraction to you when you do this.

You remind me of my boyfriend. He's useless to talk to because even if I come to him with a problem about myself or my feelings he turns it into an argument about how I shouldn't be upset in the first place because he did nothing wrong. He only listens long enough to hear what my complaint is and then goes into defensive mode without even understanding the nuance of what I'm trying to tell him because he just wants to prove that he's "right" using "logic."
So I understand why your gf gets emotional. She's probably frustrated out of her mind dealing with you.

>>18279615
>what kind of advice is that?
You see, good gf material girl wont push you so far that you will be scared to have opinion on things ever again. Sometimes it is better to push a little to see if it is worth keeping her around.

Also all other anons told you more or less the same as me: you cant win the argument or make her realize she is wrong.

Sometimes you just have to listen, let her talk about nonsence and "win" the battle.

>>18279624
Here your typical femanon with useless bf. Are you another useless bf op?

>>18279593
You are absolutely right, and I need to stop thinking of stuff being me vs. her. Sometimes I'd like to be left alone to my vices, though if they don't really concern her/us together.
>>18279601
How can I learn to take this? I feel like it's disrespectful if I just nod and not really agree and I feel like I'd have no backbone if I just did everything she told me to - which will eventually lead her to leaving me for being a doormat.
>>18279609
I fucking know, but why does it have to come to this every fucking time, and how do I stop it once and for all? I'm afraid I will resonate to hitting her being the answer which I am strongly against and think is completely retarded, but a while back I thought hitting walls and getting all angry was being retarded. I know I won't ever hit her, that's not the case but it just escalates and makes me desperate to end this suffering.
>>18279611
Good advice, will follow.

>>18279458
I usually just tell my GF what I can do about the situation. We've been together ten years though. It's more acceptable coming from me.

Like, "This is what's going to happen in this situation. There is no other practical outcome so live with it. This is the thing that I CAN do."

>>18279621
I wish I was fucking gay, god damn. You are absolutely right. But how do I ignore her if she's in the same room? More often than not, the tantrums don't start out as tantrums but actual problems with me/us that we discuss. I don't go into defense mode, I hear her out, point out that I will fix the issue/apologize/whatever and she just won't stop pointing out the same shit over and over until I snap. So yeah, please explain how to ignore her bruh. Also: I'm scared that if I do she might start flirting with someone else just to get that emotional release and spite me. Not sure, but afraid of it.
>>18279624
You're taking her side because you are the same gender, but fail to see that I don't immediately go into defense mode. I do argue and use logic if she's being clearly illogical and all this after I have listened and told my side of things. What's wrong with that? Why do you always have to be right and I have to deal with it just because you are emotional and cryptic enough to yell about X and I try to fix the issue, but all this time it was your emotions towards Y and I should have understood that, and had I done it you wouldn't be yelling so it's my fault all in all. What the hell.
>>18279631
>useless bf
I guess I am, at least she makes me feel like one.

>>18279631
Actually, I pointed out that logic is subordinate to emotion.

And what's worse than an emotional half-human? An emotional half-human that doesn't even realise that they're basing their shit off emotions.

You should try leaving the house for a bit. Come back later when shes cooled down. If its really dumb small shit tell her when you get back thats not cool.

>>18279657
>You're taking her side because you are the same gender
Uh, no, I'm saying your situation reminds me of my own because you do the same thing my boyfriend does. This is a perfect example of you getting defensive instinctively. I'm not on "your side" just because I expressed empathy with your gf? When do you listen to HER side of things? Sounds like never and that's why your problems never get resolved. Because you dismiss her point of view was "illogical," insist that your side is the solution without first even really getting to the root of her problem because you already dismissed it, and then nothing is solved. That's what's wrong with that.


I don't get emotional. When my boyfriend goes down this road I just ignore it. It's just predictable, annoying and it's like I said, useless to me so I just concede so he'll shut up and then try to explain it again at another time when he's more receptive to actually listening. And then he'll usually realize he actually had no idea what he was talking about because he didn't take the time to really understand me the first time. It's a retarded system that results in having to have essentially the same discussion multiple times but it's the only thing that works because he can't help his initial reaction

>>18279657
Dude, stop overthinking problems. You simply havent figured out how to deal with unstable girls. Dont worry. Sooner or later you will get hang of it.

>scared she might start flirting
You are both immature. Stop stressing so much, trust her a little and you will be good.

Next time she will start talking nonsence, try keeping straight face, DO NOT produce arguments and agree with whatever she makes up. After thah hug her, tell her that you love her and then go back to whatever you were doing. Think of it as if she is on her period.

Do NOT fight back. You do it for the pussy. Or just break up if it is aimply too much for you :-)

>>18279657
>I do argue and use logic if she's being clearly illogical and all this after I have listened and told my side of things. What's wrong with that?
You were already told by multiple people what's wrong with that. Do you want to fix the relationship and accept blame for what you're doing wrong or do you want other people to stop trying to help you and "be right"? You are not perfect, you are not flawless. You are capable of making mistakes. Trying to "win" and use logic instead of listening to your partner and making them feel like you care about them is the dead wrong way to approach fixing anything.

>I have to deal with it just because you are emotional and cryptic enough to yell about X and I try to fix the issue, but all this time it was your emotions towards Y and I should have understood that, and had I done it you wouldn't be yelling so it's my fault all in all. What the hell.
Active listening, OP. The whole point of it is you don't try to advise. You don't jump to conclusions. You let them speak and ask questions so they can elaborate on it and explain their feelings and emotions and be heard, and you validate all those feelings in a kind and understanding way- you sympathize with them and mirror the emotions they're going through. If it's good advice when I suggest it, and when that other Anon does, why is it bad advice that you attack when she says it?

If this is how antagonistically you handle things with your girlfriend I'm not surprised there are problems.

>>18279677
I take it back, the gender thing as it was said in defensive stat. I completely agree with you, and what you are describing is evidently my exact problem too. I just sometimes hear her out, and the [insert thing I have done/not done] is clear to me as to why I have/haven't done it and therefore try to explain it expecting her to understand, but she never does. Usually I do understand her side of things when it simmers down and I get to the core of it, but I get riled up because she expects me to understand it fully and apply it without her even hearing me out. It's like I respect her enough to listen to her problem, but she doesn't respect me enough to hear my side of it. I guess it's not the case, but it is the initial feeling and it's quite frustrating.

What would you want me/your bf to do in those cases, ideally? Do you want us to emotionally align with you immediately even though we don't initially agree? Would you see us as doormats in the long run if we let you have it your way every time in spite of our own needs and thoughts?
Serious questions

You mock and tickle her.
Saw that advice on similar thread earlier and also read that in a book on women psychology.
It's spot on in my opinion, but that's assuming that she loves you as well. Seems to work for me.
In short: the less serious you take it, the best but also don't just ignore it, that's no good either.

>>18279694
Not who you replied to but,
>Usually I do understand her side of things when it simmers down and I get to the core of it
You think you understand it. Your opinion on whether you understand it or not doesn't matter though. She needs to feel understood. This is about her and her feelings not yours. Only she gets to decide when she's been understood, and only you get to decide when you've been understood.

>she expects me to understand it fully and apply it without her even hearing me out.
No, she expects you to listen to her fully and then understand where she's coming from and why whatever it is is an issue. You're complaining she isn't hearing you out. If you listen to her, she will hear you out too. Start listening. And ignore the guy who said to ignore her, you're already complaining about not feeling listened to enough. Now imagine how you would feel if every time you tried to talk to your girlfriend about something, she walked away and just dismissively and condescendingly ignored you and ended the conversation. Now imagine how she would feel, considering the fact she ALREADY feels that way.

>>18279694
If she comes to you with a problem it should he you that completely hears her out FIRST. It's like, even if you do want to argue, you want to be able to argue over the correct thing right? So you need to ask questions and thoroughly understand what she is trying to say FIRST. Acknowledge that you understand it, ask her if she is done and THEN give your thoughts or counter arguments. It's all about mutual validation. This is how I handle it when my boyfriend complains to me and in their cases we usually have a much more productive outcome. I want to know every intricacy if why he feels the way he does before I offer a comment. Put your defensiveness on hold at first and just try to listen without taking it personally. You can argue back but first you have to make sure she feels like she is understood so she has a basis to actually hold weight to your opinion. Otherwise you just come across as someone spouting off about something they don't understand.

>>18279695
Basically true to some extent, but I do want to get to the core of things and respect her enough to hear her out. I do want to be a better bf and I realize I'm not flawless, I do want to discuss the issue in a logical manner until there is a resolve, but that seems to only work with men because the more I do it, the angrier she gets, thus making me angry in return and I'm pretty calm by default. I will try to heed your advice, but those things usually start out as a conversation between two normal people before it escalates to something nasty because I have my views and values and she has hers.

>>18279636
You just have to tell yourself she is a dumby because she has a cunt. Just sit there, be calm, appologize...basically tell her what she wants to hear then give her space to cool her jets. Then go laugh about it in the garage.

Fighting and arguing with a woman is bad...especially if you win. They will resent you.

Its a control thing. The trick is to not let her have a tantrum every week. If thats the case shes nuts. Once every couple months is the going rate with my wife.

Sometimes i try and lighten the mood by cracking a joke. That can either work or make matters worse. I'll leave it for your judgement.

>>18279706
Also how I handle it with my bf is to ask him questions like "So you feel like x because I did y?"
Questions that get across the fact that you are understanding the motivations and reasons behind what they are feeling. Even if you ultimately find those reasons "illogical" the fact that you acknowledge and understand them to her will go a long way into not making her frustrated when you offer your side of things

>How do I pattern a woman that won't end an argument no matter the explanations and logic

Trying to apply logic to emotional problems is where you're going wrong here. You need to understand that her emotions will probably never make any sense to you and compromise so that you can give her what she wants without letting her take advantage. Just listen to what she's saying and don't try to argue about the way she's feeling; even if it doesn't seem logical ,she's feeling that way for a reason and it's not going to help if you make her feel like she's wrong for it.

Getting angry isn't going to help either. If you start to feel frustrated at the way she's handling things or at the way she's responding to your attempts to help her, then just let her know that you need to take a break to cool down and make sure she's okay with that, then return to it later.

>>18279706
>>18279716


There is something inside me that makes me go all defense when I know I'm right. What if I told you that the dishwasher broke and it's your fault because you turned it on, while you know it's an old ass dishwasher and it broke because of that? Would you ask me why I feel that way, or tell me that it's an old dishwasher and you had no fault in that? Be honest. I understand that the first is the diplomatic and healthy way, but I got my self-esteem and feelings too, y'know. What if I continued yelling at you for not getting a new dishwasher in time when I accepted the fact that it's old and that's the reason it broke? You'd tell me that it's a joint effort/economic issue/something to do with the reason for not getting a new one instead of asking me what I'm really mad about which was another problem entirely.

I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm trying to reason with you and myself because you seem to be at the other end of that stick i.e my gf and I can't do that with her because we always end up in the same position after a while. I'm trying to better myself, and you are helping me know what to look for - thanks for that.
>>18279726
Last time I tried to make sense for literally hours, apologizing and understanding and all that, finally leading me to tell her that I'll go outside for an hour and then come back and we can continue the subject, but for now I have to clear my mind (this was in the midst of screaming, me being calm) she told me that I'll find all my shit outside for when I get back and that made me hit a wall and yell loud as fuck. Definitely not the person I am, want to be or ever was.

>>18279738
Look, unless you give a concrete example of an argument you two have had, I can't help but think that analogy is kind of hyperbolic. Are you seriously arguing over easily provable facts with concrete irrefutable evidence? Like, "the dishwasher is 30 years old and was going to break anytime" Or are you just attributing those qualities to your own opinions and treating them as such? If that is a real argument you two have had I am more sympathetic to you right now. But yeah I have a feeling arguments are more about feelings than facts from what you've told already.

>>18279738
>You broke the dishwasher! Now we need a new one!
>Yeah, that sucks, it was old and didn't work great anyway so it was only a matter of time, let's order takeout tonight so we don't have any dishes to do and I'll call the repairman tomorrow
>Okay

>You broke the dishwasher! Now we need a new one!
>No I didn't
>Yes you did, you did dishes last night, now it won't turn on
>No it broke because it was old I didn't break it
>You were the last one to use it of course you did
and so on

Try saying agreeing instead of not, and then adding your side into that. That'll go a long way. Besides, there's no right answer here, it broke both because it was old, and because you used it. This isn't a matter of objectivity, it's a matter of perspective. Arguing you're obviously not responsible isn't as clear as you believe.

>and that made me hit a wall and yell loud as fuck
>and that made me
No. You felt angry and you reacted with hostility. You are responsible for your own actions. Own up to them.

>>18279712
Oh, nice solution. To fix your relationship pretend that your partner is not on the same level as you. Let me guess, you learned that from your parents?

>>18279752
>Try saying agreeing instead of not
Try agreeing instead of not, rather.

>>18279458
Have you tried not getting into arguements? An arguement is a two person job.

Maybe you should just fuck her until you both have no energy to argue.

>>18279750
It isn't that simple, and I can write out real arguments we've had, but as you say they are mostly emotional. By writing them out I can easily sway you to believe I'm in the right and she's overreacting, or show that she's right about stuff. It isn't black or white.
>I quit smoking weed because it made me lazy
>She was proud of me
>I smoked a joint with a friend on a day off three months after I quit
>she got mad and said that I'm dishonest and a loser for doing so
>I said she's overreacting a little bit by calling me those things and I understand why, but it's not such a big deal in all honesty
>shit hit the fan for about 4-5 days

My defense: I never said I'll quit for life, even mentioned that if I have a day off I might light up with that friend of mine and she was ok with it at the time

Her defense: I'm slacking on some work nowadays, and she's stressed out on my behalf

My defense: I really had a day off and wanted to chill for a little bit

Her defense: She's afraid I will relapse to smoking every day

My defense: I absolutely won't and toking up one time doesn't mean that at all

and so on..
>>18279752
>Yeah, that sucks
>Yeah
Why admit to breaking it if I didn't? I do get your point and it's a nice one but it's not really fair to having to react against my emotions and cater to hers every single time.

>>18279776
Because it's a matter of perspective, not a matter of definitive correctness. Your side and her side are both entirely valid interpretations of the same side. You're not defending your side when you say that, you're dismissing hers. When you say yes you acknowledge her perspective, then when you add on your own perspective after the fact you voice it so that you aren't just saying yes to keep the peace. You're using yes as a "yes, but" but not actually voicing the but, it's makes you come across more agreeably.

You /need/ to validate her and her feelings and thoughts. Let me repeat that again because you're not seeming to get this, it's not about right and wrong. It's about making her feel validated and accepted and understood. Validate her.

>>18279776
In that situation I feel like she had a right to be upset or disappointed in you at first. But instead of leading off your response with "you're overreacting" do you think it would have gone better if you were like "yeah I guess you're kinda right, I get where you're coming from, but I feel like with all the progress I made I can relax and smoke this one time with my friend, I have no intentions of going back to my old ways, ok?"
I think it's sweet how she was proud of you for quitting. You should have realized her being upset was coming from a place of love for you and not tried to belittle it. she's afraid for and concerned about you. That's something really nice, anon. But you could only see the accusation in what she was saying even though it was coming from a place of good intentions and love and that's why she was probably even more upset by your response. You both had valid sides in this case, if you could just acknowledge that there wouldn't need to be shit hitting the fan for a week

>>18279784
You are right, and I'm not getting this. I really hope I do one day, and will think long and hard about what you said because it will end up saving the relationship/future ones. Thank you so much for taking the time, I will have to rethink my way of interacting with her and others, but it will take some time because as you said I'm not getting it and not thinking the way you/she does.
>>18279793
I think pride is the thing fucking us both over, right here. She caught me off-guard emotionally by calling me dishonest and a loser for it albeit me specifically telling her I most likely will do that exact thing in the future. I could have a softer approach, but she certainly doesn't make it easy when she goes guns-out approaching me. Many such cases.

I guess my first reaction to stuff is self-apologetic defense and that needs to change. Even if I feel that she's the same way about my problems but that's a different thread.

>>18279814
You should both consider going to relationship counselling. That's explicitly for situations like this, learning how to communicate with your partner more effectively. Neither of you should go into problems guns blazing, but it doesn't matter which one starts out poorly or continues poorly, both of you should be willing to calmly rectify things and know how to.

>>18279814
I know how you feel too. Same anon you accused of taking your gf's side here. Because my boyfriend will be emotional and angry when stating his problems but then dismissive and hard-headed when being on the other end. You have to just kind of realize that she can't help it and not take things said in an emotional state seriously. That's what I've learned and how I've adapted to deal with this kind of person. I don't feel resentful because I have an understanding that no one is perfect, I have my flaws and shitty things about me too. A bit of humility let's you be able to handle stuff like this better. You can still defend yourself but you have to let petty stuff like calling you a "loser" in the heat of the moment slide sometimes if you really want to move forward. You punch walls when you're mad, she might call you poopyhead when she's mad. No one is a saint. Just keep things in perspective i guess is my point.

>>18279818
That shit costs money, and I got a lot of good advice here. I just hope I will heed that advice next time and keep cool instead of "What did you call me? I was wrong but fuck you for that I had my reasons blablabla"
>>18279819
I know, I'm taking that back again - sorry. It's not easy to control emotions when your loved one challenges them, and we all have our flaws based on previous experiences. Again - thanks for taking the time, and you could maybe show your bf this thread.

>>18279832
It does, but if you find yourself having trouble putting this into practice in the future I really do recommend it. Good luck.

>>18279832
Good luck anon. I've told my bf pretty much everything I've said in this thread. Like I said, our communication may be difficult but we don't give up on it. We hurt each other sometimes but we always come back to trying to be better to each other and work things out in the end. No one said it's easy. One thing I like about him is that, like you, he can actually recognize a problem (though it might take some effort and patience on my part) and ask for help. That's why I have stuck around through it all. I think you should let your gf in on what you learned and ask for her to help and support you in trying to make things better for you guys. I think she'll really appreciate it.

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>>18279847
There is this manly thing you also need to take notice of, and it's pride and being told to stand your ground all your life which makes for going in defense against the girlfriend and people constantly pointing out that you just have to ignore her/joke it away/put her in place and that gets to you even if you aren't like that so sometimes you make us feel less manly if you are to bring up something we did wrong but have yet no clue about why it's wrong.

Anyway, good luck to you as well and again thank you.