How to tell your significant other to put in more effort?

The easiest would be if you're already talking about your relationship, even if not that serious. For example, if she's (rhetorically or not, doesn't matter) saying something like not knowing how to thank you, or "if there's anything I can do for you" etc. Don't bring it up in an accusative way, just calmly and shortly tell her that x and y are things you'd really like. If she expresses any surprise at that, you can broaden it a bit - that you do little things for her that show her you love her and she's on your mind, and you would sometimes like to receive little bits of attention like that even if you know in other ways that she appreciates you.

If this is no option at all and you cannot usually talk like this, I'd request her something. Like making your favorite dinner by surprise ("that [dish] you make is so good, it would make my day if you did it as a surprise some time") or whatever. Then after some time has passed you can start her not doing anything with this information (assuming she hasn't, of course, if she has you can show her how much you love it and tell her this stuff feels good because it shows that you're on her mind and she's doing that little bit extra to brighten your day) as an opening for the conversation.

Yeah it's a bit uncomfortable. She might get huffy. But at the end of the day you have to teach people how you want to be loved and you cannot start too soon.

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>>18267679
Dude I know you have to young and inexperienced with long term relationships but please for the love of God, if you care about staying with her, stop pampering her. Stop trying so hard to make sure she is happy.
Ive been married 10 years. I know my shit. You are supposed to be the man. When she looks at you, she should see some guy that's better than her. You doing everything in your power to make her comfortable is the exact opposite. You are putting her on a pedestal and she will start thinking in the back of her mind that this dude isn't the guy I thought he was.
Im not sure why but women do not respect us trying to make them happy it has an opposite effect. It will always be like that. Only thing you should worry about is providing for your household and being happy yourself. I know it sounds contrary but it's what works.

>>18267679
Different people show love in different ways, and you can't decide the way your partner loves you. Learn to accept the love in the way she shows you.

My way of showing love is by taking care of my partner's needs - which means I love cooking for him, buying him whatever he needs, surprising him with nice small gestures, make sure that if he had a bad day he doesn't need to worry about anything and he comes home to his favourite food, his favourite sport on tv and his favourite beer.
He doesn't do any of this. He writes me wonderful love letters, tells me how much he loves and appreciates me, cuddles me to sleep every night. I don't do any of that.
We're different, we love differently, but we both love each other.

Appreciate what your partner gives you, even if she doesn't love you in the way you wish she loved you.

>>18267753
No offense lady but guys and girls love different ways. His girl is showing love like a man usually does. He is showing love like the woman does. Which is very bad for the relationship. She's not invested in making sure he's happy and doesn't want another woman. You are, so youre doing all that shit for your partner. When women don't put effort into the relationship that means they are close to leaving.
Remember that women are not men, their mind works differently. When you go out of your way to influence her happiness, she secretly loses respect for you.

I always tell my friends not to take relationship advice from women. If you want to learn how to hunt deer you ask the hunter not the deer. The deer has no clue on how to hunt deer. All it knows is how to be a deer.

>>18267793
>The deer has no clue on how to hunt deer. All it knows is how to be a deer.
This shit is so damn condescending. Would you say that you have zero sensible stuff to add when it comes to what men find attractive or what helps them see someone as girlfriend/wife material? Probably not.

Yes men have a perspective that women don't have, but that goes both ways.

>>18267802
I know it doesn't sound good which is why I prefaced with no offensr lady but truth is truth.
What's the perspective you have that I need?

>>18267793
That's simply bullshit. No offense.

Women and men aren't a hivemind and each person shows affection in different ways.
There isn't a way "men" show love and a way "women" show love.

Women aren't turned off by a guy going out of her way to make her happy. Women are turned off by men who have no respect for themselves, by men who have no spine, by men who take all their bullshit and never talk back.
You can be attentive and nice without being a doormat.
You should listen to women more instead of telling women what you think they want.

>>18267809
I'm not the comment you replied to, not that it matters.

>What's the perspective you have that I need?
You can't look into a woman's head and know what which action looked like to her. Again I'm not trying to say that people generally have top notch insight in themselves or that it's not possible for an outsider to have a sharper judgment on what you react to. But that doesn't negate having insight in yourself.

Once again, you probably feel like you have something sensible to say about what love is like to men and what attracts them, that a woman would not know. If you stand by that and also think that it's beyond women to have a similar grasp on what they like, then you are saying that women are incapable of introspection and/or self-knowledge and that is deeply offensive no matter how you try to spin it.

Besides most guys on here are clueless as fuck both when it comes to what women like and when it comes to what they like. Case in point is how much confidence gets shit on as an attractive quality for women to have, but I bet the guys saying that aren't looking for a woman who can't gracefully accept compliments, only wants to fuck with the lights off, guilt trips him about how she's not sure why he's with her and he can do so much better and so on.

>>18267821
>There isn't a way "men" show love and a way "women" show love.
Wrong. Men show love all different ways. Women do not. When a women is deeply in love she shows it one way. Going out of her way to make sure her partner is happy. Now that could mean cooking a good meal or having beer ready or sucking his dick everyday but she puts forth a visible effort. The more effort, the more she loves. Guys all want to love the same but may change it up depending on if they know better or not. Our instinct is to treat you like we want to be treated but thats not always good for the relationship.
>Women aren't turned off by a guy going out of her way to make her happy. Women are turned off by men who have no respect for themselves, by men who have no spine, by men who take all their bullshit and never talk back.
I don't blame you for thinking this way. But I have a lot of experience and I talk to and trade stories with other men with a lot of experience. For some reason women subconsciously lose respect for a man that goes out of their way to make them happy. You have to feel like the man is the leader and is better than you to respect him and him trying to make you happy does the exact opposite.

>>18267753
This is partially true, but it's also true that you can talk to your partner and tell them the kind of things that make you feel loved.
Maybe it's not their natural "love language" or whatever, but hopefully in a healthy relationship your partner would want to learn what kinds of things make you feel loved. And they would want to do those thing to make you feel happy.

>>18267802
Not really. Women are pretty simple.

>>18267823
This one is confusing but I'm trying to comprehend it.
>You can't look into a woman's head and know what which action looked like to her.
I don't need to look in her head to see the case and effect patterns of multiple relationships. If you start treating her nicer then she is treating you, you are going to have a bad time.
>Once again, you probably feel like you have something sensible to say about what love is like to men and what attracts them, that a woman would not know. If you stand by that and also think that it's beyond women to have a similar grasp on what they like, then you are saying that women are incapable of introspection and/or self-knowledge and that is deeply offensive no matter how you try to spin it.
How many times have you heard or seen the story of a girl saying "be nice to women" and then going and Hooking up with the jerk. That's not a fairy tale. It happens a lot. Your doing it now. I'm saying shit that's kind of shitty and your telling me to he nicer. But when we do that the result is negative. So who should someone listen to. The hunter or the deer? I don't know this for sure but in my experience women do not have control on who they are attracted to. You would like to be in this relationship with a nice guy but when you are youre unhappy. When while that jerk looks like a bad ass and makes you feel like a woman.
>Besides most guys on here are clueless as fuck both when it comes to what women like and when it comes to what they like. Case in point is how much confidence gets shit on as an attractive quality for women to have.
Im at my character limit. But the kind of guys women want to attract don't care about confidence. Just look good and don't be annoying. That's the qualities men want. Period. Very simple.

>>18267739
>>18267793
>>18267863
>>18267902

Indescribable morons.

Listen to this guy >>18267718

>>18267923
Why is it moronic? We are having a trade or ideas and all you had to input was a insult. Say why you think that way or you are the moron.

>>18267863
No, not all women show love in that way.
I have a close friend who doesn't do that kind of stuff and her way for showing affection is buying gifts and saying nice stuff, for example.
Of course everyone shows love by "putting effort", but all people put effort in different ways. My first boyfriend did it by small everyday gestures, my second boyfriend was very physically affectionate, my current is usually a words man.

And stop telling women what they want. It's annoying. You don't know what we think, feel or want.
I want a man who loves me and I want to be the centre of his world. I'd never settle for less. But I want a man who can stand for himself, who isn't so afraid of losing me that he takes all my shit and I want a man who respects himself. This is sexy. A man who doesn't give a shit about me isn't sexy at all.

>>18267961
>No, not all women show love in that way. I have a close friend who doesn't do that kind of stuff and her way for showing affection is buying gifts and saying nice stuff, for example.
Thats putting effort in. This paragraph doesn't counter anything I said. I said women show love different ways but it all boils down to them going out of their way to make their man happy.
>Of course everyone shows love by "putting effort", but all people put effort in different ways. My first boyfriend did it by small everyday gestures, my second boyfriend was very physically affectionate, my current is usually a words man.
Only 3 boyfriends and never married? How long did they last?
You haven't really put enough information for me to draw a conclusion out of but I can sense you aren't exactly any different from any other woman.
>And stop telling women what they want. It's annoying. You don't know what we think, feel or want.
You don't know what you want. Refer to my story about girls saying they want nice guys and then dating the jerk. All I know is that my relationship improved 2 fold when I worried about my happiness more than hers.
>I want a man who loves me and I want to be the centre of his world. I'd never settle for less. But I want a man who can stand for himself, who isn't so afraid of losing me that he takes all my shit and I want a man who respects himself. This is sexy. A man who doesn't give a shit about me isn't sexy at all.
You contradicted yourself. If you were the center of his world he would care about losing you.
I also didn't say the man shouldn't give a shit about you. But the woman should care more about the man then he does about her. OP is show more investment than his gf.
Im happy to get your feelings and perspective on the matter but you don't seem to have much successful relationship experience.

>>18268119
No, you said all women show love in the same way.
I said that everyone who cares put effort in and they do it in different ways.
My first post was saying to not focus on having your SO loving you in the same way you do, but learning to see the way they show you affection.

I had a couple of short-ish relationships (around a year), been with my boyfriend for 8 years.
I probably have a happier relationship than you and never needed to play games with my SO.

Every person is different. You certainly don't know what I specifically want, or what women want as a whole.

I didn't contradict myself in any way.

I'm really sorry that a woman accepted to marry you.

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Read this.

>>18268215
>No, you said all women show love in the same way.
"Men show love all different ways. Women do not. When a women is deeply in love she shows it one way. Going out of her way to make sure her partner is happy. Now that could mean cooking a good meal or having beer ready or sucking his dick everyday but she puts forth a visible effort."
You can't make a valid arguement if you don't read and comprehend the whole paragraph. All that stuff listed is her going out of her way to please her man.
>I had a couple of short-ish relationships (around a year), been with my boyfriend for 8 years.
I really wish I could talk to your boyfriend because I can already guess why he married you yet.
>I probably have a happier relationship than you and never needed to play games with my SO.
Doubtful but no way to confirm. I don't play games with my wife ever. This isn't a game for me. She knows my full theory on relationships and is completely on board. I am a leader that makes her feel like a woman and she's proud to be with me. But you are going to think what you want.
>Every person is different. You certainly don't know what I specifically want, or what women want as a whole.
Yes I do. Even though you don't and contradicted yourself trying to tell me, I know what you want.
>I didn't contradict myself in any way.
Explain how it's not a contradiction. You cant just say no its not and not explain yourself. If you feel someway you should have a reason why. How can an object be the center of their world and isn't afraid of losing it. If it's the center of his world, all he is is based on it. To lose it would be to lose everything. Losing everything is something to be afraid of.
>I'm really sorry that a woman accepted to marry you.
Why are you sorry, our marriage is great. Be sorry you aren't married to me.

>>18268303
Guy here. You're obviously an idiot who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. I imagine your girl doesn't go out of her way to validate you because nothing works on you anyway and she gave up much earlier on.

>inb4 IF SHE JUST DID EVERYTHING I DID IT WOULD BE PERFECTLY FINE
She's not you, thankfully. And refusing to acknowledge that she's a different person who expresses herself differently from you is doing her a huge disservice. Stop being so petty. You should do nice things for your girl because she's your girl, not because you expect reciprocation.

>>18268342
>Guy here.
Doesnt matter
>You're obviously an idiot who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. I imagine your girl doesn't go out of her way to validate you because nothing works on you anyway and she gave up much earlier on.
Where are you getting all this conjecture? Reference something I said and make a logical point.
>>inb4 IF SHE JUST DID EVERYTHING I DID IT WOULD BE PERFECTLY FINE
Not sure where you are getting this from. Quote something I actually said if you want to make a valid point.
>She's not you, thankfully. And refusing to acknowledge that she's a different person who expresses herself differently from you is doing her a huge disservice.
I acknowledge she's different than me. She's a female and I'm a male. Our roles/experiences/needs in life are different. No where did I say she is or should be like me.
>Stop being so petty. You should do nice things for your girl because she's your girl, not because you expect reciprocation.
Again I never said I wanted reciprocation. I do nice things for my girl. She just does more for me.

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>All these people just name calling.
Make an arguement. How am I wrong. I know there's a lot to read for new comers but surely you can pick out one thing you don't like and make a valid argument about it. If I'm wrong to me how I'm wrong. I want to learn too.

>>18268274
Going to read this book after I finish Models any similarities ?

>>18268464
You're not.

>>18268528
Not my fault there hasnt been a decent reply.
Saying idiot and moron doesn't teach anything. State your opinion and say why you think that with evidence.
If science could get away with that this world would be a very different place.
Ive given long thought out posts and no one has been able to return the same.