Maybe molested

>>18259257
You're the one with problems here, not him. You even acknowledge that he's never done anything to you. Sort your shit out, and if you can't manage that, either deal with it or avoid family functions, your choice.

>>18259257
Damn you're a faggot. Just chill out and stop being such a paranoid bitch. You weren't molested. No one represses anything, in fact it's much much more likely people make up false memories than repress actual ones.

Does he seem fake to you?

>>18259257

Talk to someone professional.

They are most adequately equipped to both potentially help you assess what actually went down (if anything did), and to more importantly, help you figure out how to move forward with your life.

If you don't, this shit will probably eat you alive and never go.

>>18259276
My issue is that I'm scared that something happened, something where he creeped on me, where I was too young to remember what happened but I still have some semblance of memories about it which would explain the feelings. With people who have knowingly been creepy and fucked up towards me, I have these very specific feelings. I feel those exact feelings towards my grandfather even though I don't remember him doing anything creepy. I've literally been reduced to a crying sniveling mess about it because I can't figure out why I'm having these awful feelings about someone like that if I don't remember them molesting me. It makes me scared that maybe they did molest me and I don't remember it. It doesn't help that I spent years of my life having dreams where he molested or raped me.

>>18259278
>in fact it's much much more likely people make up false memories than repress actual ones.

Not OP, but when I retrieved some of my repressed memories I asked around to confirm the validity of the memories and it turned out they were true.

>>18259290
I've talked to a therapist, and they've said I showed signs of being molested as a child. They also said that if I was actually repressing memories, I wasn't going to get them back--"if your mind is really hiding memories, it's done it for a reason and it's going to keep them hidden no matter what you do."

>Maybe molested
Wtf you sure you're not looking for something to pin on him? The way you describe him he seems to be a good guy.
>>18259298
Also what are the signs of being molested as a child
Your shit does sound serious but you need to spill more info

>>18259298
>it's going to keep them hidden no matter what you do

bullshit, you pull on a string hard enough and things WILL happen

>>18259305
>The way you describe him he seems to be a good guy.

I know, and I'm really not trying to pin anything on him. I'm just so confused. I've had multiple cases of guys doing something that made me feel like a cornered animal--trapped, panicked, ready to lash out, feeling disgusted and ready to kill. I feel that way every single time my grandfather hugs me or touches me. When he rubs my shoulder I want to throw up because I feel so disgusted. And I feel like shit because I feel like this even though he hasn't done anything to me that I can remember. It just worries me that I have these exact feelings about people who I know have done creepy shit to me.

>Also what are the signs of being molested as a child
Well the feelings are one sign. My attitude about sex, feeling like my sexual urges are something to be ashamed of, being uncomfortable expressing my own desires, initially struggling to see any sort of meaning or value behind sex, craving sex just to feel like a decent human being (which was an interesting clash with my constant feelings of guilt about sex)

>>18259313
The therapist reluctantly recommended hypnosis, but she seemed doubtful about it yet also had an attitude of "are you sure you really want to know what happened to you that's so bad that your mind tried to hide it from you?"

Idk how I feel about if repressed memories are real or not. My mother claims to have some, and she had a seriously fucked up past, so that makes me feel it's true. But at the same time, I just don't see how your mind could keep something from itself. But then I don't know why I have such strong feelings of hate and disgust towards my grandfather.

>>18259327
>"are you sure you really want to know what happened to you that's so bad that your mind tried to hide it from you?"

I would want to know.

>>18259335
Sometimes I want to, but sometimes I don't.

When I have the dreams where my grandfather molests me or does creepy shit, it comforts me being able to wake up and say "none of that happened, it was just a dream." Hypothetically, if I ever found out what actually happened (if anything actually did), I wouldn't be able to have that same comfort when I woke up. And my feelings towards him would be even worse, and it would drive a wedge between me and my mother because seeing family is important to her. She already doesn't do much to limit my exposure to the cousin who tried to get a video of me naked and jerked off next to me, even after I told her how much I hate him now because of it.

>>18259293
First, repressed memories aren't a thing. Amnesia exists, but the proponents of repressed memories generally speak about them solely in the context of sexual abuse, as if there's something magical about it that makes it function completely opposite to the way PTSD in every other context is known to work.

>>18259297
Recovered memories are iatrogenically implanted. That doesn't mean they can't be false memories of plausible or even likely events.

>>18259298
There's a lot of bad therapists out there looking to create victims out of normal people for repeat business. Look up the Little Rascals Daycare fiasco. Several people were convicted of incredibly unlikely crimes, such as literally feeding a child to sharks (whose parent never stepped forward during the trial or declared the child missing when it supposedly happened) and stabbing a young girl in the vagina with a foot-long knife (who had no identifiable injuries, and whose parents also never reported anything at the time it supposedly happened) based on ""recovered memories"".

>>18259313
Yes, but what things will happen?

>>18259379
Yeah, I've been doubtful about repressed memories. It's just confusing that I have the same feelings towards my grandfather as people who have knowingly done creepy shit to me. Do you have any insights as to why I might be feeling this way? I have no reason to hate this man.

I hate my dad who grabbed my crotch when I slept in the bed with him as a child, I hate my cousin who jerked off next to me and tried to get a video of me naked, I hate this boy who repeatedly touched my butt at a concert and tried to convince me we got drunk and had sex one weekend and he used a balloon as a condom, I hate this man who tried to fuck me specifically when he thought I was asleep and stopped when he realized I was still awake. And I hate my grandfather in the exact same way. But with other male relatives, I don't have these feelings whatsoever, so it's not me projecting feelings of disgust onto all men or all of my male relatives.

>>18259320
>Well the feelings are one sign
Those feelings are often caused by stigmatizion of childhood sexuality by overzealous parents. If you'd like to know more, I suggest you read Sex Without Shame and/or Harmful to Minors.

>>18259396
I mostly meant feelings besides my attitude towards sex. Like how when my grandfather hugs me, I feel disgusted and panicked and trapped and would give anything to get away in the very moment. Yet I only feel that way towards him and people who have done creepy things to me. I know that I have those feelings towards my dad because he grabbed my crotch one night, and there were many years of him mentioning how my sister and I looked hot in our swimsuits when we were in 6th grade onward, which is about when my creeped out feelings towards him started. But I had no reason for those feelings to start with my grandfather, especially considering the fact that they didn't start with other male relatives.

>>18259379
>as if there's something magical about it that makes it function completely opposite to the way PTSD in every other context is known to work.

why we still got monkeys?

>>18259393
Maybe you just hate old people or you hate men in general now

>>18259413
I don't think it's either of those. I have no problem being around other old people and getting hugs from them--same goes for other male relatives. It's specifically my grandfather on my mother's side and my father. Along with people who've been creepy to me that I remember.

>>18259393
Maybe he's a lot like someone else you don't like. Maybe he did something nonsexual that you really didn't like. Maybe he just looks creepy.

I'm not saying it's impossible that he ever abused you in some way, but I am saying that it's unlikely that you wouldn't remember it (especially considering you remember all the things that other people did to you), and it's unlikely that he would do something like that in the first place, considering that it apparently goes against everything you've actually seen him do.

>>18259407
I was referring to your attitude about sex with that. As far as your feelings about him in particular, I couldn't say. >>18259419 is the best I've got.

>>18259419
Well the other things happened when I was old enough to remember. Like I was either in preschool or kindergarten when my dad grabbed my crotch.

If anything, I should feel creeped out towards my grandfather on my father's side. Always making comments about how my sisters and I are pretty and not mentioning much else about us. My grandfather on my mother's side is better about recognizing that we're more than just pretty, which just leaves me more confused about why I hate him so much

>>18259435
If your grandfather fingered you in your cradle, it would have been before you "knew" that it was wrong. You wouldn't have been creeped out by it. If it was when you were 3 or 4, you would remember it like you did with your father.

>>18259408
Would you like to clarify that? I have no early idea what the fuck it's supposed to mean.

>>18259257
You must be 18 or older to vist and post on this site.

>>18259448
That's true. I just feel so frustrated because here's a man who is so kind and generous, doesn't have an angry bone in his body, and yet I want to throw up when he merely makes eye contact with me. I can't think of anybody he reminds me of. I used to be so close with him, but then the feelings started and just got worse and worse. The same thing happened with my father, and him grabbing my crotch wasn't even the trigger of the feelings starting. It wasn't until 3rd or 4th grade that I started gradually hating both of them, and I don't know why it happened with my grandfather.

>>18259463
Maybe you should try to get closer with him and fight the negative feelings

>>18259471
I'm not sure how to do that when just the thought of that makes me want to physically gag. Idk how to fight these feelings when just him touching or rubbing my shoulder makes me want to snap his fingers off one by one

>>18259463
I'd love to help you with this, but this isn't really the place for it. I suggest you find a therapist that's less eager to push his repressed memory/intrinsic harm agenda.

tell the cops senpai

>>18259492
I mean I don't think the therapist I was seeing was pushing a repressed memory agenda. Or more specifically, I don't think she had the attitude that repressed memories could ever be retrieved. I kind of reached a stalemate when she asked me to really try and figure out if he was looking at me in an actually sexual/creepy way, or if I was merely perceiving it that way. That kind of made me feel like maybe I'm just crazy and imagining everything, but it didn't make me any closer to feeling like I was only imagining him staring at me in a creepy way

>>18259500
"Hello officer, I think my grandfather molested me at some point in my life, but I don't know when. I have no memories or proof other than the fact that he seriously creeps me out."

have you tried just trusting that hes not a creep? whats the point of speculating if it just makes you feel bad?

>>18259293
I think you might have paranoia more than anything. See a therepist.

>>18259293
>I'm scared that something happened
Why is that scary? How might that affect you in the future? If it won't affect you, why does it matter whether or not it happened?

>>18259520
It's hard trusting that he's not a creep when every fiber of my being is screaming to get away every time he touches me or looks at me. I don't want to even think that he's done something as horrible as that, but I just want to know why I'm feeling this way, and honestly it would make a lot of sense why I feel the way I do towards him if he had done something to me. But I don't remember him doing anything, and he's such a good person, I just feel like shit for ever thinking he could even possibly do such a thing. But then even when I have those thoughts of assuming the best in him, all he has to do is just look at me and I want to brutally murder him all over again so that I can be free of these fucking awful feelings.

>>18259540
Hypothetically, if I ever found out that something like that had happened, I would never see him again, and my feelings of hatred towards him would only be intensified. That would put a strain on my relationship with my mother because visiting her family is important to her, even if it means putting me in situations where I have to be around my creepy cousin even though I know he tried to creep on me and I hate his fucking guts for it.

It's also scary because I'm nervous of the possibility of finding out something happened, which would make me no longer be able to console myself by saying "that never happened, you don't know for sure, you don't remember". That's how I'd been comforting myself against the constant streams of molestation and rape dreams I had for years.

>>18259558
So if your only concern is that how you'll act if you find out he did something to you, and there's no way to definitively prove that he never did, and there's a high likelyhood of actually creating false memories of abuse if you keep obsessing over this, why not just let it go? Where's the good outcome for you in all of this?

I've got a grandfather who has PTSD from getting a bunch of his friends killed in Vietnam. He creeps me out and I'm fairly certain he's never voluntarily touched a human being in the last 40 years. I avoid him whenever possible which makes family gatherings a bit awkward, but then they end and I go on with my life. I suggest you try that.

>>18259612
>I suggest you try that.

That's what I've been trying, yet I still have dreams about him molesting me, and I still drunkenly cry about how I hate him so much. Trust me, if I could change how I feel about him I would. I hate feeling this way about a man who hasn't done shit to me. But I can't deny my feelings. I just wish I knew why I had them. We have family gatherings so often, and I just wish I could actually enjoy them rather than have my own stupid irrational feelings ruin it all.