What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing even happened to warrant this kind of response from me...like I wasn't even in a huge fight with them or anything. I just don't understand why I'm intentionally fucking everything up for myself. I also have an 8 page paper due in the morning and if I don't give it in I fail; along with 2 other classes, yet to be completely honest I don't evenoctober care. I know I should, but I just fucking don't and it's messing me up.

This kind of behavior has been getting progressively worse for me since high school, and I'm in college now. I feel like I'm so fucked, and I'm not particularly suicidal, but honestly...fuck it, I'm probably going to kill myself for the hell of it. I don't want to be the kid that constantly complains about how depressed he is because of 'x' or 'y' reasons, just like a million other people. It just seems like depression is such a common 'thing' now. I'm only fucking 19, but I feel as if at least a quarter of the people around me are fucking depressed, or anxious, or some other bullshit. I couldn't tell you why that is, and at this point I'm too tired to care.

If I'm already bullshitting about, I'll just add that I really regret not having healthier relationships with basically anyone. I was so shy about everything when I really didn't need to be, yet here I am, unable to find someone to connect with on an emotional level, and I just feel so stuck. I'm not some poor ugly idiot, in fact I was told by my friends and literal strangers to take up modeling, but I constantly see couples around me, and it's not like it makes me mad, but just makes me feel kinda fucked up. I don't think I'd ever be able to connect with any girl, because I'm such a mess inside. It's not too apparent in my writing, but I'm so beyond fucked up. I'm such a messed up person, and I even have the luxury to go to a therapist, yet I can't talk to her about any of my problems because I'd be put in handcuffs. It's so fucking frustrating when you know your brain is fucked up, and you can't tell anyone about it.

I don't feel misunderstood, because I guess it's my fault for being so withdrawn hhhhh ive ran out of things to talk about because im as interesting as a fucking brick hahaha, im going to bed

Is there some particular reasonthat comes to mind for you to be feeling stressed, ashamed and/or anxious?

what do you want to hear
reassurance
validation
acceptance
help
cause you are not going to get it here
if you really dislike yourself this much, just change yourself and stop talking like you are the worst person alive
because no one will correct you for being not the worst, no one will ever tell you you are great,awesome and that its not that bad except you yourself

and no one wants to deal with the emotional baggage that is you, i mean, just think about it.
would you date someone m3ntally unstable because she/he has the chance to be not insane some day?
no, you'd rather date someone emotionally stable. try to achieve that first before searching for a partner.

but i dont know if you are seeking advice or just want to vent

>>18253001
i dont think me answering that is going to do much to help
>>18253025
im half hoping for someone to say something that will just make me either a) kill myself or b) make me get my shit together

regardless im aware of how my 'baggage' can/will effect anyone i want to be with, i even mentioned it in one of my posts if you bothered fucking reading you dumb fucking stupid cunt idiot jackass fuckface mother fucker fuck you

disregard those insults they mean nothing as im just projecting, and this is pretty much just me venting

>>18253052
u expect me to read ur drivel u retard
ive got better things to do than read some vague unexplained worries from an insecure guy on the internet you
anyways no one will do that,you coward. get your shit together yourself.
dont expect anyone to do the things you can do yourself.
now do your work and fuck off

>>18253075
you sound like you're either poorly attempting to help me get off my ass, or you're just half irritated that I called you some insults and told you to disregard them

damn dude, that really didn't give me what I needed

perhaps I should look to myself for help and guidance instead of hoping a random stranger will help me

...fucking hell I'm too tired for this

>>18252997
>I even have the luxury to go to a therapist, yet I can't talk to her about any of my problems because I'd be put in handcuffs.

Just to say, you can and should talk to a therapist about everything you are actually feeling. Unless you've reasoned committed a horrible crime and are bringing physical evidence to the therapist, then you can say anything you could fathom to them.

Also you are a kid still, keep growing up.