Tl;dr - I inadvertently lead guys on, and this is (understandably)

You're a born slut, not worthy of relationships.

Women = naturally have boundaries regarding to opposite sex

Slut = naturally no boundaries

>>18248363
>What do I do
Don't flirt, nobody gives a shit if it is part of your personality, just don't do it. There are ways to interact with guys without flirting, figure it out.
> I often share personal things with others
Don't do so with guys who aren't your boyfriend/a close friend you had before your boyfriend.
>I tried to be colder but it makes me very sad.
You are getting too emotionally invested in other people, there is a easy to see line between being a dick and flirting, in fact practically a whole continent between them.
> I feel like I am not expressing myself and I have to put a mask on.
Don't be dramatic just don't flirt. Not flirting isn't not expressing yourself its just not being a flirt.

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>>18248368

>>>/r9k/

Back to your containment board, kiddo.

>>18248368
I am far from a slut by any definition.
I barely ever felt any sexual interest for anyone other than my boyfriend. He's my first (and only) everything.


>>18248369
I am not flirting. I don't feel sexual attraction for them. I don't do it to seduce them or let them know I want to fuck them.
I am just a kind/warm person.
I do it with girls as well.

>>18248378

Never been there slut.

Sluts gonna slut no matter what, cry allyou want but i fuck sluts like this while their bf knows me lol.

>>18248382
What exactly do you do? Do you touch them (even just a casual conversational touch to the forearm or something), use open body language, giggle?

I think you flirt without realizing. Empathy and encouraging people to open up and talk to you does not involve the behaviors listed above.

Also, don't be as forthcoming with people you just met with personal details. That could be dangerous to you if you did it with the wrong person

>>18248382
I feel that you might be trying to bait but I will post under the assumption that you are just daft.

Treat girls and boys differently. You don't have to be mean just don't be superdupernice to guys who aren't your boyfriend. Don't be affectionate towards guys who aren't your boyfriend.

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>>18248363

Firstly, this was a terrible place to come for advice, so I'm going to make this as concise as possible.

I've met girls like you and unfortunately, this is just a struggle you're going to have. I've been with a very cute girl for 4 years who has this issue all the time and mind you, all she really does is smile and make conversation and there are so many guys out there (especially the guys on this board) that interpret any positive attention from a female as sexual interest. This is not your baggage, this is theirs.

Here is the bottom line; guys are going to hit on you no matter what. What matters it not the fact that guys try to pursue you, what matters is how you handle it.

If you are able to maturely set boundaries with the people in your life and appropriately enforce them then there isn't really a problem. Girls are kind of taught to just cold fish and wipe all of their emotions when interacting with a man that isn't their significant other and that just isn't a realistic thing to expect from anybody.

If your boyfriend gets upset that other guys want you he's a gigantic baby. If you're not being clear and concise with these guys and not shutting them down when they get too comfortable then there is obviously issue but to be honest, I hear from girls who have this problem so much that I can understand where you're coming from.

Keep healthy boundaries with everyone in your life, not just men. Keep your interactions professional, concise, and make sure they know where you stand with them romantically. No need to be rude or dismissive, just honest. If they're adults they will understand and adjust their behavior accordingly. If your boyfriend gets mad that you're not walking out of the house in a full-body shawl and avoiding all eye contact with men then he's an immature cunt.

Avoiding interactions with men to avoid having hones conversations about your boundaries and to appease your shitty boyfriend is not the answer.

>>18248396
I don't touch people, but I smile a lot and giggle.
I used to compliment people a lot. Usually when I meet a someone I tell them that I like something they're wearing or the way they did their hair/make up. Makes them feel appreciated, makes things more relaxed and informal. I started doing that when I was working with disabled/elderly in high school and kept doing it out of habit. I stopped doing this almost completely with guys, tho.
I obviously don't talk about my father's struggle with cancer with every other person, but if it makes sense to share it I don't mind talking about it.

>>18248400
But I am superdupernice. Duh.

>>18248401
Yeah, I understand it wasn't probably the wisest choice to come here.
As soon as I realise they want something more I cut them off or make it clear that I am not interested.
My boyfriend doesn't get upset that other guys want me, just thinks that I purposely flirt with them when I really don't.

Thanks for your post.

>>18248363
That's an easy one OP

You and your boyfriend get rings, don't actually get married but both of you promise to wear the rings to stay faithful to eachother.

Now when a guy sees you in public being kind (or to him flirty)

Then they'll see the ring and you won't have to worry.

Worst, they'll ask about the ring and you'll explain you're taken


Good or what?

What kind of issues have you had with people OP?

Girls - friends share strong emotional relationships and support, SO is that plus the physical attraction

Guys - friends share interests and distract from emotional issues. Emotional support comes from family and SO

You can't provide guys with that kind of familial support out the gate while being attractive and expect them to not read into it.

You need to shrink your circle of concern

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>>18248429

>My boyfriend doesn't get upset that other guys want me, just thinks that I purposely flirt with them when I really don't.

Then the problem is not the way you interact with men. The problem is that you're dating a guy who doesn't trust you.

Thats what you need to deal with.

a) Your boyfriend is kind of a whiny bitch. People like his girlfriend. Good for him, I'd say. And obviously you're not doing it on purpose so no blame on you.

b) I suggest you just name-drop your boyfriend into conversations with people you've just met. "Have you been to that restaurant that just opened down the street? I went there with MY BOYFRIEND and it was really nice" If they know right off the bat that you're taken, they won't get overly enthusiastic about your being nice.

>>18248437
That's a good idea. I'll buy myself a ring.
Don't really feel like telling my boyfriend "WELL, you better buy me a ring if you want guys to stop liking me!". Feels kinda threatening.

>>18248441
None, actually.
Why do you think I did?

>>18248446
I tend to talk about shared interests with guys and girls, I really dislike talking about feelings for the most part.

But I do notice when people are upset and I try to not ignore it. I usually try to share something personal that makes them feel understood, or try to make them feel better about themselves, or cheer them up/support, etc. I don't know, if I notice someone's struggling I have a hard time ignoring it.
Is this attitude wrong?

>>18248452
Probably. I'll try to talk to him about it.

>>18248461
>I suggest you just name-drop your boyfriend into conversations with people you've just met.
That's good advice, thank you. I don't do that enough probably.

>>18248441
>>18248466
Sounds someone who made fun of me in highschool

Then again I take a lot of drugs so whatever

I'm happy I stumbled through to this thread because this relates to me 100%. I agree with one person here it is definitely how we set boundaries with people. I am still a nice person who is warm hearted and empathetic. But I realize how much sas I need to develop because im just too fucking nice. My issue always has been trusting people too much. I would talk to people and trust them that while they know I have a boyfriend that they would respect me while Im respecting them. But after one experience I been through, there are many people out there that just don't give a fuck and it made me trust people less to none. I definitely became more cold and focused less on the friendships ive developed with guys that arent my bf and focused more on my relationship with my bf . I became more observant on how guys approach me and their reasonings to approach me. We just can't be too nice in this world. Teach yourself to stomp the guys that want you out of your life and unfortunately, our attitudes have to change to a certain extent because there are guys out there that have no respect and would strive to persure you. Be the fun loving person that you are but make sure only keep the people that respect you and want nothing more than a friendship around you.

>>18248466
Whatever works, you only need to show your bf you're wearing a ring on your wedding finger so maybe it'll make him more comfortable from the sound of it

>>18248481
I was a huge nerd in high school. Math team and all.
Really not in the position to make fun of anybody.

>>18248484
I'm so glad you can relate.
I'm tried to be colder, but it made me really so fucking sad. So I'm trying to find a compromise.
I honestly didn't even think that people could misunderstand my intentions, I always thought it was normal, and till my boyfriend literally told me I didn't even think much of it.
It sounds like you went through some rough stuff. I'm sorry.

>>18248485
That'd be a good idea. I have my grandma's engagement ring somewhere, might use it.

>>18248508
>grandmother's engagement ring.
Please do not use that as a promise ring. I'm so glad I saved my great grandmother's wedding band until I married to wear. It was already sentimental, but now it is that much more so in a solidified relationship.

Promise rings need to just be silver with cubic zerconia or something, because a gf/bf relationship isn't solid. I had a promise ring too which I still cherish and wear on another finger from time to time.

What if it doesn't work out with him? Yes the ring will still hold value emotionally due to it being inherited, but it will lose its value as a symbol of your bond.

>>18248518
We've been together for 8 years, lived together for 5 years. We will probably get married when I finish school next year.
It's not a new relationship or anything.

>>18248535
Okay. Why aren't you engaged?

Some dudes are oblivious and don't know to ask, so you have to hint.

FYI you can be engaged as long as you want. We were for 2 years because I wanted to be debt free. It helps solidify commitment and both of y'all's support for the future of the relationship.

>>18248648
I asked him not to propose.
I don't want to get engaged before we actually can get married, and I don't want to get married till I have a decent job. I am debt free, I own the house we live in, I have a good job offer for when I will graduate next September but I want to be a proper adult before starting my life with him officially. It feels wrong to start my life with him until I am not able to do well by myself.

I dislike super long engagements, to be honest. I feel like engagement should be the first step towards the wedding, I want him to ask when we can start working on it and planning things out.

I also had my fair share of depression and I also thought it was normal. Took me long and my boyfriend to tell me the same things to realize its not. What I did was sit down and realize what I was doing and what I have to change and progressively worked on it. Look up how to read guys and their intentions and how to handle it. I had to do some research and practice on myself to make sure I don't unconciously attract guys. I understand it can't be our fault 100% of the time but learning tactics on how to set boundaries right away and how to know better whether a guy is into you or not (they could be married and still be into you unfortunately) can help you. Its very hard to explain myself. Took me a lot of tears and depression to figure it out. I hope you find your own path to success with this. I hate needing to feel like I need to change myself but I realized its only for the better.

Do not get a ring for this issue. Guys can still look at it and then pretend they never saw it.

I may not be helpful with my advice but just know you are not alone. And you are not a slut. I have this issue and Ive only had 1 real relationship in my life.

>>18248674
No wonder he is so insecure about the relationship after 8 years. He feels vulnerable and that you could drop him the moment his mind changes, especially with your behavior.

Engagement doesn't mean immediate marriage. You're also common law married whether you like it or not. From your time table you could get married this time next year. The fanciness and perfect planning of a wedding means absolutely nothing. I know people with elaborate weddings who divorced in a few years.

Why are you so hesitant if you claim to be so confident in the relationship? If you have this thing where you need to get married within a year of engagement, again I reiterate to not use your grandmother's engagement ring as a promise ring.
http://aplus.com/a/study-marriage-lasts-randy-olson?no_monetization=true
http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/01/living/long-engagements-replace-marriage/
I don't like Clinton News Network, but this article I linked has basis on studies, so I'll let it slide. Specifically this quote is what I want you to read and why your boyfriend is acting insecure
>"(A couple) may never want to marry, but they may want to tell the world, 'This is a solid relationship,' " Fisher said. "Definitions are changing."

You aren't telling the world and new people you meet that you're taken, it it will be forever, at leary for the foreseeable future.

I dated my husband for 6 years and we have been married 5, engaged almost 2 years between for reference. We were each other's first everything.

You already mentioned you don't bring up your boyfriend enough in conversation with other men. This is probably a huge source of his jealousy and insecurity considering the depth and breadth of your relationship. You are basically stipulating every term with the relationship. Why don't you bring him up?

>>18248702
I have zero intentions of dropping him, I'm not insecure about our relationship at all.
We don't live in a country where common law is a thing.

I don't want an elaborate wedding. We want it to be just us, our immediate family and 6 friends.
I just don't want to get married before I'm a proper adult with my life sorted out. I want to start my life with him when I feel like I could handle life by myself, not when I'm still partially dependant on my parents and scholarships for financial support.
I don't feel that way about engagement, it is not just a way to say "I'm serious about this dude". To me, it means "I am ready to get married to this dude".
I don't even care about the length of the engagement, we could stay engaged for 10 years for all I care, but I don't want to get engaged while I still am not ready to get married.

>Why don't you bring him up?
I mention him if it is relevant to the conversation, I don't mention him if he isn't. For example, if someone asks me about a restaurant, I'll comment on their food and not mention I went there with my boyfriend. I could start doing that more.

>>18248693
Thank you.
I'm in the same position - had just one guy and all.

>>18248687
Lol, hopefully not.

>>18248682
I'm glad you're doing better. I'll look those things up! Thank you for sharing and all the helpful advice.

I was never as extreme as you are (compliments, physical affection) but I have the same thing with smiling and talking intently. After plenty of awkward situations I've developed a specific style with single guys that is warm/friendly but discouraging. What works for me is being brisker. If they make me a compliment, I don't give a sincere thank you but shrug it off with a (self-depricating) sort of joke ("yeah I thought, if [whatever they complimented] doesn't make me cool, what will?"). I smile when I make eye contact but hold it only for a very short time, especially when we "just happen" to lock eyes from afar. Just a quick, warm acknowledgment then instantaneously focusing on other things. If they try to do something mildly romantic (holding the door for me when they aren't usually like that, for example) I act like I'm oblivious to the subtext, eg I pretend to notice it juuust a tad later than I do, then give a sort of surprised "oh gee, thanks, that's nice of you" reaction. Act like I find out they are supergallant in general instead of realizing that they are going out of their way to treat me like a lady. If they try to tease me I respond like it's banter among bros and don't giggle/blush/act indignant in a cute way. If they invite me along to a group thing, I sadly can't make it ever. If they invite me one on one, I say I'm kind of thick and ask to clarify if that's a date, because I'm not interested in dating.

I don't know if this is clear enough to form an overall pattern for you, but this works for me to both show a real interest in someone and be more friendly/warm than they are used to from guys, and make it known that you do not see them as potential partners. I've honestly never had someone not give up after I've learned how to balance this shit. It's not the easiest but the more you practice the better you start to develop intuition for when to say what. Good luck!

>>18248757
I'm not physically affectionate, I dislike touching people to be fair.
I'm physically affectionate just with boyfriend, family, two female friends and very sporadically with one male friend - who is married and my friend since I was 2 and he was 4, basically a brother.
I do compliment people a lot, but I'm trying to cut it. Still sometimes do it, but I'm trying.

I like the rest of your post a lot. Could definitely try to do this.
I tend to be a bit oblivious to hints till things escalate to the point of awkwardness (like they start being sexual, flirty or openly romantic), I'm not great at getting subtle stuff.
I can definitely try the things you said, it seems like a fairly good tactic.

I never had issues with guys not giving up or being super inappropriate, but it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable so I want to minimise it as much as possible.

>>18248747
>I'm serious about this dude =/= potential marriage
I'm sensing cognitive dissonance between the two of you. You don't emphasize your security in him thus his seemingly irrational jealousy.

This isn't high school.

To me, the purpose of engagement was "this relationship is serious to the endpoint of marriage, and this engagement is meant to symbolize that faith."

The period of engagement is when you get your shit together and plan for the future. I got financially settled so he wouldn't absorb my debt and then married (btw student loans are exempt from marriage if you married after taking them).

What is the purpose of engagement to you? According to your logic, it would be the best to just make a wedding announcement ASAP so people that are invited can make it (aka a couple of months), and nothing else.

Again, a lot of your issues stem from your boyfriend. And now I see it is because of your frivolity with the definition of a lifelong relationship and lack of its definition meaning less to you than it does him. Did you get the house through mortgage and your own payments (I doubt it since you sound financially insecure still) or inherit it? If it is the latter, consider how much power you have over him and how it would make him feel about the security of the relationship.

>>18248806
I don't want to get engaged till I feel ready to get married, I won't feel ready to get married till I have my shit together. I still partially depend on other people's money (my parents', scholarship), so I don't have my shit together. I will have my shit together by the end of the year when I'll have a degree and a job. Then we will consider engagement and marriage.
I am serious about him and our relationship, I have been for many years. We talked about getting married eventually when we moved in together, which was 5 years ago. But, again, I don't think that "we're serious" is the meaning of engagement.
Engagement is a formal marriage proposal. I don't feel like saying yes when I'm not actually ready to get married.

I inherited the house and pay all the taxes and maintenance expenses. He pays half of the bills and pays the groceries.
He would inherit the house if I died. I already offered him to share the property of the house when we moved in together and a couple of times after, but he refused.

I am not less invested in the relationship. I don't see any "frivolity" with my definition of a lifelong relationship either.
Engagement has a specific meaning, it means "I'm ready to get married". I am not ready to get married, not because I don't love him but because I am not self sufficient financially.
I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I have absolutely zero doubt we will.
He's not even unhappy with my decisions, and he doesn't disagree with me.

>>18248363
Honestly, that's the other guys' problem and something your boyfriend just needs to get over. You aren't doing anything wrong at all, and it's part of your personality. You shouldn't need to change your personality in a relationship unless it's something actually really toxic (like being confrontational or vengeful or some shit).

Perhaps just mentioning you have a boyfriend when a guy starts getting overly interested in you would make them back off a bit (I know it would me). Also maybe find a way to explain to your boyfriend better so he understands your position.

>>18248872
>I don't feel ready to marry
>Why is my bf so insecure after a decade of being together?!
You seriously cannot fathom or emphasize this? You call the shots on everything in the relationship and wonder about his insecurity?

>I don't think we're serious is the meaning of engagement
Then go to court and get married immediately as soon as you graduate, because the engagement period means nothing to you emotionally. Why can't you understand others' opinions or feelings or security?

You said you plan on getting married in the future (by future you mean September according to previous posts) l, but you aren't ready? That translates to most that you aren't ready to validate the relationship after almost a decade, which sounds to outside parties like you're keeping open your options

>he will inherit
You have a living will stipulating that? Because he is not married to you, therefore even if you get in a major car wreck he cannot legally remain in ICU nor make a choice legally if your life rests in his hands or vice versa.
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/married_couples/marital_status_and_inheritance.html

>>18248363
I have definitely seen this post word for word before.

>>18248954
I don't understand if I am expressing myself poorly or you aren't reading what I am saying.

I don't feel ready to marry because I am not financially secure. I would marry him if I was.
The engagement means to accept the marriage proposal and I cannot accept it when I'm not ready for marriage.

My boyfriend knows how I feel about this and agrees with me.
We discussed the terms of our engagement/marriage, and discussed about our future as a couple and as individuals in short and long term.
We all agree on this, no one's feelings or desires are getting ignored. He is waiting for me to be ready, like I'd wait for him to be ready if he was the one without a full time job.

I plan to get engaged at some point after next september, and married when we are ready to get married.

Where I live couples who cohabit for over a year get the same rights of married couples for all but taxation.
I have a will that says what happens in case I die.

>>18249033
The engagement is the purpose of that. That is the definition of engagement. It means you're ready to marry but need to straighten up some things before you go through with commitment.

You state the intent of commitment with engagement. It is all emotional.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201409/why-we-really-give-engagement-rings

You state in your post that you intend to follow through but your actions speak otherwise. This is the cultural purpose of engagement, and why it takes time. It isn't to plan extravagant weddings.

Common law doesn't guarantee inheritance. And at 27 you have a fully notarized will that states he will not get 1/3 the property, but the full property over siblings or blood family members? Because to many lawyers cohabitation and sexual intimacy is not enough.
http://darychuklaw.com/legal-services/wills-variation-actions/what-is-the-law-wills-variation-actions/when-will-a-common-law-spouse-inherit-the-estate/
>Where I live
Most places in the world don't have cohabited couples with the same exact rights as married.
http://www.npr.org/2016/09/04/487825901/no-you-re-not-in-a-common-law-marriage-after-7-years-of-dating


You say he says he is okay, but you would not have made this thread if he was 100% secure in the future of your relationship.

>>18249127
In my country, couples who cohabit formally have some rights including the right to assist each other in case of need.
I wrote a will in 2012 when I was diagnosed with cancer and the house goes to him. My parents agreed since he assisted me and they have their own house already.

My boyfriend doesn't have any issue with our relationship.
He agrees on our schedule, we agreed on each and every decision, and we are happy together.
He expressed frustration about this side of my personality and I'm trying to fix it.

We give engagement different meanings. That's amazing. I won't get engaged because a stranger on 4chan told me to.

>>18249210
>Why is my bf so insecure when I giggle with guys?
>Anon explains his/her POV of why bf might be insecure in a decade long relationship
>what? Ridiculous he is so secure in our relationship!

>posts on an anonymous Korean crocheting imageboard
>I don't want advice from strangers!

You're an attention whore.

It's hard to judge blindly based off what someone says they're like. Self-evaluation can be a very big weak point. My insight from my career is that there are two types of friendly women: one type is giving the "I wanna fuck" signal, and the other is not. Many men are stupid and can't tell the difference, but most adult human males have figured out what it is.

The problem is, I frequently see women who are giving the "I wanna fuck" signs unintentionally. They just think they're being nice, warm, bubbly, friendly, etc. because that's all they're intending to do. To most other people they're quite honestly flirting and sending signals. I'm not saying this is the case, it could easily be a jealous boyfriend or something else, but consider that it might be you.

You mentioned not wanting to change how you interact and that it makes you feel sad. In the business world you need to control yourself better. Warmth, openness, and friendliness right off the bat is often seen as disingenuous, and learning how to be cordial until an actual rapport has developed is part of becoming a mature, professional, adult human being.

>>18249912
I asked advice on ways to keep being warm while minimising the amount of inappropriate attentions I get.
I got that kind of advice by anyone. I got tons of good advice actually.

This specific anon started a 10 posts tirade on whether I should get engaged or not. I never asked that, or advice on my relationship, or even asked why my boyfriend feels bad because I totally understand it.

>>18249951
Of course I can be cordial, detached formal if it is required by the environment, but that's not how I am. Which is perfect at work, but I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not all the time.

>>18248368
first post worst post