Anyone feel like speaking with me for a bit?

What is bothering you Op?

What's up OP?

This is op, I can't post my reply.
I had this long, detailed thing, and now all I get is connection error..

On my phone, so give me a min now.

In paraphrase, the major issue that affects me the most in life is that I perceive reality differently than I used to.
Things seem more "soft", more rounded.
There's a sharp contrast in my vision.
Frankly, everything looks artificial, like the game "borderlands" but toned down black outline.
I'm in a constant state of feeling like nothing is real, no person, no object, Nada.
It sounds simple enough ,but it has been a disability for a while now, and I can't face it anymore.

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Don't worry about it though guys, the purely coincidental thing of me not being able to post at the exact time I really need to, has shown me that it doesn't matter. Thanks anyways, atleast I tried.

Testing 1,2,3

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Ok, i guess im back up?
Anyone still here?

>>18246623
Turn off your ad block.

And if your conscious is feeling strange. Go check for an MRI.

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>>18246662
yea, i did some searching, and ended up doing just that.

I wish i could just get one, i do feel its a chemical problem.
I cant speak nearly as fast as i think, aka stutter.
memory is to shit.
in constant state of being numb to the world.
Something is wrong, and its giving me the chills thinking of the possible issues.

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Continuing,
i seem to always attach some detailed relation to everything i see, very hard to explain.
Kind of like everything has a thought bubble above it, explaing this and that, how it relates to everything else.
But all i can think about is the bubble, and how it affects other bubbles.
Complete nonsense, i know.
Im increasingly paranoid, thinking all kinds of odd things, but still feeling they are more than likely true.

Become an alcoholic, but i don't feel feel much different than "normal".
Like i said, constant feeling of being numb, but i dont know if the alcohol is the cause or the effect.
Its like i get numb to the fact that im numb.

>Im lost and losing my way.
Anyone out there?

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bump, i guess

>>18246600
Seem to be having connection issues. If this works, what's up, brah?

List off some of your issues, I'll see if I can help.

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>>18246702
ive posted some, but i can go on and on.

As i sit here trying to type out my issues, try to explain the innards of my life/experience, the words just dont readily come..

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I seem to live in a world where people are just told how the world is, that reality is manufactured.
That everone inside knows that there's a greater purpose, but they are too distracted with whats i front of them to react, much less do something about it.
I cant get over how numb i feel and how long this has lasted, im falling away here, and i dont mean that in any attention seeking way, i just can't handle this much longer.

>In paraphrase, the major issue that affects me the most in life is that I perceive reality differently than I used to.
>I'm in a constant state of feeling like nothing is real, no person, no object, Nada.

Just so I'm clear, it's more like you're watching a holographic projection of life and you're having major issues connecting with other people and situations because it feels like being in a room of smoke and mirrors?

>i do feel its a chemical problem.
>I cant speak nearly as fast as i think, aka stutter.
>memory is to shit.
>in constant state of being numb to the world.
>Something is wrong, and its giving me the chills thinking of the possible issues.

Quick question, do you smoke weed? Do you take any drugs or drink to adjust your mental outlook?

>i seem to always attach some detailed relation to everything i see, very hard to explain.
>Kind of like everything has a thought bubble above it, explaing this and that, how it relates to everything else.
>But all i can think about is the bubble, and how it affects other bubbles.
>Im increasingly paranoid, thinking all kinds of odd things, but still feeling they are more than likely true.

This makes sense. Instead of engaging with things as they are directly, you create a summary of their essence and engage with that. As all other things seem to be not quite real, an approach like this is very efficient. It's like sticky notes mixed with excel.

>>18246709
It's fine if words don't come to you immediately. I'm trying to work through this on my end and see if I can meet you half way.

As for the numbness, that could simply follow from the inability to engage with others on a meaningful level. Meaning if we make headway on one of those issues, we make headway on both of those issues.

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>>18246720
>Just so I'm clear, it's more like you're watching a holographic projection of life and you're having major issues connecting with other people and situations because it feels like being in a room of smoke and mirrors?
Yea, honestly the best way i can explain it is that i feel like im in a hyper realistic VR world, where ive paid too much attention to detail, and see the fabric of the pixels and such as they are, and cant unsee.

>Quick question, do you smoke weed? Do you take any drugs or drink to adjust your mental outlook?
Yes, ive smoked weed alot in the last 8 years, off and on really. Drinking? I do that pretty much everyday now, i dont enjoy it at all, but do it so i can sleep at night :(

>This makes sense. Instead of engaging with things as they are directly, you create a summary of their essence and engage with that. As all other things seem to be not quite real, an approach like this is very efficient. It's like sticky notes mixed with excel.
Im actually glad to hear this lol. But yea, basically its that in a nutshell. Everything has a meaning, cant escape that meaning, and continues to affect the rest of the world, how ever small.

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to add onto the story, while waiting for replies..

Ive been told the year is 2017.
That there may or may not be a god(s)
That reality is only there when you perceive it.
That there is an basically an infinite universe, with possible infinite universes.
That i could be the only real being alive.
That this could be all there is to reality.
That i may live after i die, or that i will forever be void after i die, and that this magical moment is it.
All i see are people that are waiting for direction, andf that these people are being manipulated. As am i.
I see movies/games/tv/gossip/sports/ect as distractions the the fact that we are truly alive, that we ARE!
To Be Continued..

>>18246733
>Yea, honestly the best way i can explain it is that i feel like im in a hyper realistic VR world, where ive paid too much attention to detail, and see the fabric of the pixels and such as they are, and cant unsee.

Okay, having taken strong hallucinogens before, I have to say that this outlook on life sounds mildly hallucinogenic. That in and of itself isn't bad, it just means that you've built a pattern of thinking/perceiving into your brain that is placing a barrier of unreality between you and others. Do you know when this sort of viewpoint started? When did you first notice this perceptual shift? What was going on for you in your life at the time?

>Yes, ive smoked weed alot in the last 8 years, off and on really. Drinking? I do that pretty much everyday now, i dont enjoy it at all, but do it so i can sleep at night :(
Don't feel bad about it, bro. We all self-medicate with what works for us and is easily accessible. The reason I ask though is because not everyone can handle their weed, and also the jury is still out on what cannibanoids are good for the brain and what cannibanoids are associated with causing mental imbalances (as you mentioned chemical previously). Thing is, the brain is all chemical soup, man. And if you are making things unbalanced, you can attempt to rebalance it and see how that works. Don't sweat it, man, there's tons of tools and advice out there for doing this sort of thing.

>Im actually glad to hear this lol. But yea, basically its that in a nutshell. Everything has a meaning, cant escape that meaning, and continues to affect the rest of the world, how ever small.
Right on! Personally, I kinda like this way of viewing the world and wish I could experience it myself, but before we get into how I could experience it, let's see if we can isolate what -IT- is and get you to release it, As far as I can tell, this is probably just a thought pattern layered into your subconscious that's producing hiccups.

So basically, in short..
i, visually, live in a world i dont see to be real, live in a world that has all these crazy views on reality, views that go in all directions. I see myself, and all those around me, in these systems of life.
I cant unsee, or unthink these realities, so im in a constant flux of being
I see something that seems real, looks fake, and is just one of the proposed parts of a system of reality.
I cant speak of these with anyone really without looking crazy in the fisrt place, IF i was able to correctly explain it.
>i see and feel all these crazy things of life, cant understand it, and cant expaling that i cant explain. Nor do i think most anyone is past my thinking level, in the average, but thats another topic.

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>>18246755
>Okay, having taken strong hallucinogens before, I have to say that this outlook on life sounds mildly hallucinogenic. That in and of itself isn't bad, it just means that you've built a pattern of thinking/perceiving into your brain that is placing a barrier of unreality between you and others. Do you know when this sort of viewpoint started? When did you first notice this perceptual shift? What was going on for you in your life at the time?
Ive had hallucinogens before too, some i didnt even the name to but were sold as acid, but made me feel aweful strange, nothing like ive read before, i think it was a research chem..
This is another isue of my life, is that i cant get memory striaght. I dont know when the last time ive felt normal, and when all this started. Its been years though, i know that. It couldve started from alot of thing from my life honestly. Drugs, abuse, life, genetics, you name it, ive seen it in the last 5 years.

> I ask though is because not everyone can handle their weed, and also the jury is still out on what cannibanoids are good for the brain and what cannibanoids are associated with causing mental imbalances (as you mentioned chemical previously). Thing is, the brain is all chemical soup, man.
to add on top of things, like i said this isnt an easy thing, my family, including most every immediate member of my faily, has some kind of mental illness. Schizo, depressive, dissociative, ect.
I know there's help out there, but im uninsured, and cant seem to bring myself to ask for help, even after many many attempts like this to ask for help, even on the topic of getting professional help. I Cant Face this, for some reason. I know it exists, but allowing this to exist outside of myself is something i cant physically do i guess.

>>18246746
>Ive been told the year is 2017.
You are correct.
>That there may or may not be a god(s)
Yes, this is also the current state of things.
>That reality is only there when you perceive it.
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" That's a buddhist koan that fiddles with that particular mystery. Descartes also hypothesized on that riddle which ultimately led to the "I think, therefore I am" philosophy of existentialism (and, coincidentally, was his own attempt at producing a proof of God). The philosophical conundrum of whether reality is constantly real is a big question, but personally I find that it falls apart like the "in 3,000 years will my life have had any meaning?" anxiety when faced with a simple set of questions.
Will your life have meaning 3,000 years from now? Probably not.
Does what happens 3,000 years from now have any meaning to your life? Well ... no.
Then why worry about it, since it's shown to be meaningless?
Likewise, does reality end when you stop perceiving it? Maybe.
If you can't perceive a lack of reality, then isn't your life going to take place within the entirety of reality? Clearly.
Then why worry about the reality that isn't when you can only experience the reality that is in front of you now?
>That there is an basically an infinite universe, with possible infinite universes.
Maybe. Quantum theorists seem to have their own take on this.
>That i could be the only real being alive.
If your perception of life is of having lived and being alive, then yes. everything else is faith.
>That this could be all there is to reality.
Hitting character limit, I'll say this though. Using the previous perception concept, you can expand your reality by expanding your perception. The more you experience, the more you give life to the world. Neat, hey?

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>>18246776
Its only 2017 because everyone before us said it was 2016 and so on, lol
The whole thing of whther or not my life means anyhting in 3000 years, if life ends when i do, and such? It doesnt matter to me, in a weird sense. Ill be dead right, so who cares, but its more how those theories affect my thinking right now.
This isnt some weird mind trip weird you get high and think about how reality may just be a giants daydream or some shit, then you go back to life.
Im in a constant state of not being able to identify with what i see, on multiple levels, simultaneously.

This isnt working as well as i had hoped.
I cant express how i feel. I know that sounds lame, but i cant get this shit out of my system, and i have no clue what to do.

>>18246756
>words
Okay, yeah. I can see how if you tried to explain this to a rando on the street you'd come off as looney tunes.The thought did cross my mind that some of what you're talking about could be seen as a mild schizophrenic break, and it's also the case that weed does sometimes cause that in some people. I don't think it necessarily has to be that though. Schizophrenic breaks show a major disassociation from reality and also incorporate things like word salads and such. You're still fairly cogent. And while you may feel that your words are stuttery and all out there, the essence of what you're saying is still pretty clear.

>>18246775
As for the memory thing, that could also be a factor that's made more challenging by weed. Also, if there is a history of mental illness in your family, that could be an added indicator of your family's chemical brain soup being more delicate than others, and therefore it's easier for you to make direct adjustments to things like how you perceive the world, but that also makes it easier for yourself and others in your family to do a self-fulfilling prophecy and perceive themselves going off the deep end.

Again, I don't think this is itself necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. It's a thing, and in understanding yourself you'll be gaining power to control your own life.

>>18246796
Yeah, sorry man. I'm picking at all the things I think I can add value and perspective on. Let's refocus on this:
>Im in a constant state of not being able to identify with what i see, on multiple levels, simultaneously.

So, I'm trying to get a grasp of what this might be like, I'll write it out in the next post, I think this will be better than me asking a ton of probing questions. Hold on a moment.

I can understand OP.

I get some kind of weird detachment. Sounds like yours is really harsh though. Personally, it feels like I've got some sort of intimate connection with my conscious experience, but all my senses and thoughts are some strange seperate experience.

My emotions don't seem to really touch me, they feel blunt and unwieldy yet segmented.

I just feel like making a connection is something I'm not meant to do. I feel like every day I go without, it gets harder and harder to come back.

The only things that makes me feel human anymore are things that spike my adrenaline through the roof. My job is great for that. Yet lately even those things are starting to fade.

Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe not. I don't feel like I'm "gone" or "going", I just feel fake, like I was never there to be "gone" from.

At least there's more than just me who feels similarly.

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Forgot to mention that in my research, ive come up with depersonalization and derealization as the possible medical issues that i may have.

>>18246796
>>18246809
So you're sitting in a diner, a half eaten cherry pie in front of you and your coffee cooling next to it. You pick up the fork, but as you hold this fork, feel its weight and the rigidity of it in your fingers, the question of whether this fork is even real plays in your mind. Subatomic particles are mostly just vast open spaces with electrons shooting around, so even by physics standards, this fork is barely real. But what is the deal with THIS fork? How many alternate versions of you have actually picked up this fork? Do all of those forks actually get in touch with the cherry pie, or do you (in some cases) just grab the pie with your hands and cram it into your mouth? But even then, why? The pie as about as barely real as the fork itself, and in light of that quandary, what's even the point of sitting in this diner and eating this breakfast? The waitress hands you a bill, and you almost burst out laughing at the ludicrousness of it, as the bill itself falls into the same questionable existence, but the bill has something the other items do not. It requires (in all realities) that you pay the waitress (and don't forget the tip). Without even knowing whether the waitress has feelings or not, you feel the weight of the obligation press on you, and for some inexplicable reason, it's the most real thing in this entire exchange. A half eaten pie of nothing, next to a barely existing fork and a now cold cup of coffee that may as well not exist for how little its purpose is going to be served sit with their questionable existence justified by a sheet of paper with a random selection of numbers on it, placed there by a girl who stares at you with the bored eyes of a movie extra, like a quantum Truman show, waiting for you to do your dance in paying the bill so she can go back to being meaningless.

Which of this fits?

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Not sure what to do, do you guys want me to keep listing symptoms or what?
I feel all over the place, and only getting worse at this point (through no fault of you guys)
All i can think of is all these concepts of life, and just stuck in the middle of them all, with nothing i can do about any of them.

Thank you for all for listening, truly.
Its help to know that people listen

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>>18246826
In short, yes.

This is my mentality i guess, but in shorthand, not to be pompous.

this is sorta like me
>sitting at a diner
is this real, or am i actually dreaming? <has to test if awake or not>
still feels unreal..
these people, do they exist out side this place, are they just as real as me, emotions and all?
there can not be 7,000,000,000 of us on this planet!
ive only been told im on a planet, looks flat to me..
IF the world was actually flat, then why the lie? Theres a grand conspiracy if the world is flat.
Thts if the world is even.
I close my eyes, and regardless of the noise, the world ceases to be.
im conscious.
am i even a thing?
then theres the whole is matter real, like the story says.
ect ect
posting to bump..

>>18246830
Well, I don't have much experience dealing with what you're dealing with. My entire approach would be to try to get you to build habits that would normalize your brain chemistry. Mild workouts daily, drink lots of water, eat well, try cutting back on weed and pay attention to how that affects your overall outlook. However, in saying all of that, I know that it might seem pointless, as it seems as though it's more of a perceptual and cognitive awareness issue than it is an emotional/biological one.

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This really isnt geting across how i wanted. It makes it seem like the typical stoner shit of questioning reality.
Theres soo much more to it, so i think..
Im in a state of confusion, and i dont know how to escape it.
I mean this literally, mentally and physically.
I feel disabled in a way that im a outcast.
I truly dont know what to do.
Sorry to be a bummer, but this is the most ive spoken about it in about 1 1/2-2 years.

>>18246842
Okay, that's some heavy existentialism. Do you trust any of your perceptions?

>>18246849
It's all good man. I feel like the error is on my end, but maybe that's just me being apologetic because I'm Canadian.

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>>18246852
to the point that when i stub my toe it hurts haha.

Im done though. Ima go to sleep and try not to wake up as long as i can.

>>18246854
no, you have been very helpful. More than i had really expected of 4chan, but i think i need to face the facts and force my self some help.
Its that, or find out what happens after life, not to be too dramatic.
Thank you, truly.

>>18246870
Glad to help. Sleep well.

The option of attempting to see what happens after life is something that I would only try after I've exhausted all other potential options. For what it's worth, a dream journal is good for helping strengthen memory. And if you don't dream (side effect of pot), focus on remembering a single detail and write that down. Before you know it, you'll be getting paragraphs of craziness, and if nothing else, it's really neat.

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>>18246893
Thanks.
I think i worded that wrong, when i said ive smoked pot off and on last 8 years. Its like once a month, maybe, now, the last 3 years. But it could totally still be a factor, idk.
I have many dreams a night, and remember them throughout the day.
I have wanted to start a journal though, for lucid dreaming.
Night though, im falling asleep in my chair.
Thanks again.