Am I mentally ill? This post is probably going to be a little

>>18244922
Near the beginning of this semester I went in to the school counselling office and made an initial assessment appointment. I talked about how I was feeling anxious and kind of depressed but, and they said to come in for my next appointment and I never went. I've tried to go once or twice but it's same day appointments only and it's hard to fit that in in between classes and assignments.

I go to sleep and wake up most days with suicide on the brain. For whatever reason when I'm laying in my bed all I can think is "it'd be nice to just eat the barrel of a revolver right now and pull the trigger". Once I'm up and doing stuff I can usually block it out but it's usually there when I wake up and is almost always there when I crawl into bed.

Somewhere along the line I also lost the ability to make friends. I've still got my small group of best friends that I've known since highschool (some earlier than that) but I can't make any more friends. Thank god for those guys. All my friends have moved on from our hometown and met other people and they always tell me the fun shit they do, why can't I do that? One of my best friends moved to China to teach and he met a whole bunch of people over there. I feel like if I did that I'd end up being a fucking loner, very similar to what I'm doing now. Thank god my roommate is one my original friends or else I'd have no one to talk to in this city.

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>>18244922
>>18244927
Whenever I try to start a conversation with someone in my program I feel like I have a foggy brain; I can't carry on a fucking conversation. Most of the people in my program seem like really nice people...but they've sort of formed their little group now and I feel like an outsider. Like, they work with each other on projects and stuff and play video games together. I'm interested in that stuff too but for some reason I have trouble making friends with these guys. It almost feels like it's too late to really form a bond with any of those guys, like I'm seen as "that weird quiet dude" now and when/if I try to talk to any of them they act nice but laugh about me later.

I don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy. I feel like I can probably bluff my way through the rest of my schooling here (only one more year after this semester's done, two year program) but then what? I don't feel like I've learned enough to work in this field at all.

I don't know. I tried seeing a therapist last year for a bit and she sucked. She didn't help me at all. I don't know what I should do here.

Should I try to get diagnosed with anxiety or depression and then get pumped full of meds?

No idea what the right decision to make is

Worry not for illness. Be mindful and practice mindfulness. Pray and meditate in prayer. Blessings be upon you brother. If you love the world, the world will love you back. If you open your heart to the world, the world will open up its heart to you.

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shameful self bump

I think the best thing you can do is try to more narrowly define your problem in a way that helps with the crisis you are in.

From your posts this reads like a motivation problem, which results in lazy behaviors encroaching into all aspects of your life. Only you can truly understand what's going on under the hood though.

That's as far as I can help I think. I also struggle staying motivated and that results in me not reaching my own potential. Maybe other anons can bounce off of this if this is a line of inquiry that speaks to you.