Yo I just straight up skipped work yesterday, , no call, no show.

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tell them the truth

That is 100% out of the question. I am going to hell for what I did, and thats when I intend to pay for my crime. But not now. Not now.

>>18243965
No, don't tell them what you actually did instead of work, just tell them you were busy.

Anything you say is an unverifiable lie. What you tell them doesn't matter. Tell them your car caught fire. Your friend got hurt and needed your blood. You sucked dicks all day and lost track of time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLxu2hVzdX0

nah but my go-to is "family emergency but it's fine now"
after that you can politely express that you'd rather not talk about it
few jobs are important enough on a single day to be rude to someone saying that, as long as you only do it this once of course

maybe you can call a family member you haven't talked to in a while, that might make them happy, and possibly balance out the karmic side of it a bit

>>18243956
Easiest lie is food poisoning.

Tell them you were hugging toilet whole day and that you will never eat snails ever again. As for missed call, everybody now and then misses call when hugging toilet.

Easy.

I think I should mention I've kinda been at odds with my boss before about going in late and shit. Before you jump down my throat, the job I work isn't really important in terms of the hours you go in for. There are just some loose guide lines which I still manage to run afoul of occassionaly because Im really disorganized, and I usually have an excuse. For example one time I went in late cos my phone died and I missed me alarm, and thats also why I didnt call in. And that was true at the time. But what happened yesterday was something else entirely, and I absolutely cannot tell them the truth.

So I really cna't just make something up, because if they think Im not taking the problem seriously I might be in big trouble.

I think I have an excuse I can tell them that is the truth, just without going into any horrible details, but Im still interested in any ideas others might have. Will post my tale of woe if anyone is interested

>>18244034
I'll read it if you post it

>>18244034
How old are you? Tell them it was food poisoning and whenever you weren't asleep you were throwing up.

Problem over.

>>18243956
Just tell them the truth. They will respect you more for it. There's really no excuse that they will believe. No one is incapable of picking up the phone and making a call.

>>18244046

Alright here's what happened I think you all will get a kick out of it:

Sometimes at work when I am working on a particularly time sensitive project, or a project I want to do a particularly good job on, I like to give myself a little boost. For me that means taking some uppers.. amphetamines.

The normal channels I use to acquire these drugs, which are tried and true, failed me. So I tried a different way of getting my drugs. I walked around town going to random parties and asking strangers if they knew where I could find the drugs I wanted, or if they would sell any to me. After awhile, I found a stranger and bought drugs from them.

So yesterday morning before work, I am ready to try out my freshly purchased stranger's drugs. I have a hard time remembering what the agreed upon dosage was. I have things to do though, and I need to take at least SOME drugs. I don't want to take too little drugs or I won't feel anything, and I don't wanna take too many or my heart will explode.

For some reason, I settle on the number '4'. I consume 4 units of drugs.

Now before you bite my head off and call me a retard for doing all of these insane things, let me tell you why I did it: It is because I am a retard. What can I say, I know that now.

[cont'd]

>>18244095

So I'm getting ready for work and wow big surprise, the drugs come on real strong! I was basically at my computer waiting for the right time to leave for work, when I am entering what I would describe as a hyper-focused mindless state. Like I am hyper focused on what I am doing, but I almost don't have short term memory, or something. I am out of my mind on some drugs.

I think I was reading 4chan (the second huge mistake of the day, after taking way too many drugs) and saw a sexy picture. And that was that. I started jerking off to that picture. Then another picture. Then I'm going through the catalogue to all the porn boards, going through all the threads that seem appealing. Jerking off to each picture, one after the next. Picture after picture, thread after thread, BOARD AFTER BOARD, jerking off.

Twenty hours. TWENTY HOURS JERKING OFF. From like 10 am yesterday, to right before I posted this thread. All to bust one nut. No food or water, never leaving my room, just jerking away.

Feels bad man

>>18244100
I'd be impressed if I didn't feel bad for ya

That was a shitty story that you overhyped, it had no pay off, you are a shit employee, and I hope you get fired.

Maybe you should get some sleep?

>>18244109

Fuck you, I don't know what kind of insane life style you lead but 20 hours straight jerking off is definitely something you should laugh at me for, so don't tell me my story had no pay off.

Get at me when you are jerking off so long you aren't even jerking off to jerk off anymore... you're jerking off because you want 100% completion on whatever board or motherless group you're browsing

>>18244111

Nah I gotta go to work. Don't worry, I have some more drugs to take. I will take a reasonable amount this time and do my job competently despite sleep deprivation.

>>18244120
go the fuck to sleep
you still don't even know the dosage cut that shit out

>>18244121

No I do know the dosage now. I can't go to sleep I have to go to work soon. Don't worry man I'm fine, just stressing about how I'm gonna excuse flaking on a day of work without telling my colleagues I was jerking off for 20 hours.

>>18244031
This .. just say clams instead and that you cooked them yourself. Nothing like seafood food poisoning to mess up ones schedule