Why I sleep

>>18234900

>Why I sleep

As any other day I slowly awoke, groggily at first, the edges of my vision still filled with the figments and illusions of my half-dreaming mind. The fog clears slowly, leaving nothing but the dark void of nothingness as memories of another restless night. My mouth is sticky, half-dried mucus from the night undrinking, my muscles filled with the fuzzy cobwebs of disuse; half-failed attempts at stretching accompany the mental flailing of an addled mind trying to focus. A body feeling in disrepair, as unstretched as the mind beneath it, a machine failing for lack of a user to properly utilise it all.

I awake, a day like any other, I believe this is the second time? I can only presume so, though as the sleeping beauty problem touches, it may only be the second I remember; A brief lucid thought in the haze of half-sleep.

I am awake, not waking but fully awake, my eyes flick open as though I had merely blinked and my bedraggled form annoys me. The second or the seventh time, it matters not, the day has escaped me and my complacently drifting form irritates me.
The sheets flung from my body and my legs flung to the air, I land sitting to the side and roll my shoulders, the sound of the sheets landing behind me is disturbed only by that of my own deep inhale. A quick gulp from a half-finished glass of water I keep by the bed and I begin to drag this half-used flesh-machine to the bathroom, the slight nag of memory and habit at the back of my mind.

The shower, a brief whine as the pressure begins to flow, burning and refreshing as the water flows across my, still uneven, bodyheat. I feel awake again, some sense of humanity leaking into the cracks as yesterdays dirt washes away. The sense of purpose forgotten rinsing from my mind like the suds from my hair, the daily rote of things to do asserting itself and blotting thought from my mind. A nagging sense of responsibility and duty for all that must be done and all that has been forgotten.

>>18234903

Chores until my mind tires, except today is a day unlike many others... and it does not. A brief surprised relief followed by confusion followed by intense thought, scouring my mind for why; I can feel the intense point of focus tangibly scratching scores, searching for a reason, through my mind, brain and body. A tingling like electricity plays through my hands, restless and twitching, twirling and twiddling an ephemeral sense of misty thought congealed into something tangible.

A thought forgotten, a reason found and a something touched, the cause found but the change more concerning, a memory half remembered and reasons best left untouched. A cascade of thought, an unceasing, unstoppable and unwanted flow through my mind and I have awoken once more; Not my body rising from rest, not my brain rising from sleep, not even my mind rising from dreams and into this world once more but my true mind beginning to wake from it’s drug addled stupor. I can feel it, my mind accelerating, like an engine coughing to a start or a muscle bound beast slowly swinging it’s pendulous limbs to begin it’s, monstrous, distance eating lope. My mind awash with old thoughts and a multitude of half finished internal debates, memories flooding through my waking mind like the water through my hair when I shower. A deep breath inwards, through my nose and filling my lungs, through my head and clearing my mind.

>>18234905

In that moment I both feel better than I can remember in recent time but also feel the creeping sense that reminds me why I sleep. Knowledge is power, yet knowledge is useless without power. I have little power in the world, I could maybe fix and maintain against the wear on the world around me but could do almost nothing for the damage done by those wilfully ignorant or wilfully malignant. I have power over myself and little more, I see the world and see I do not fit.
Not content to stay in a world so fraught with pain.
Not influential enough to convince the world.
Not wise enough to show the world.
Not enough to do it myself.

Not yet enough to leave this world.

And so there is a pill.

Not illicit, illegal or ill meaning but prescribed;
that dulls my senses,
that slows my mind,
that holds back the memories of what I really am.

Once again, I see why I sleep.
A half-finished glass of water in one hand.
A prescribed capsule in the other.
One small act of submission.
One small act of omission.

Bump?

are you the same SomeGuy that posted webms of his wife in /gif/ and everyone went nuts and reposted them for months afterwards.

>>18235144
Nah I've been away from posting for ~2 years

Sounds about right for /gif/ though

>>18234900
If you feel like writing poems and other sort of literature, use pastebin and ask
>>>/lit/ about criticism.

If you want advice, you gotta post your story into one reasonably sized post with some non bullshit question.

>>18235300

>be me
>be on anti-depressants for ~10 years
Pretty much the whole roster of SSRIs, moving into SNRIs as they get developed, even a few tri-cyclics.
Bonus round! Now on coctails with anti-psychotics/mood stabilisers
>Most AD's lose effectiveness over the course of a year or so
>Higher doses have nasty side effects
>Not had any luck with "talking therapies"
At best they're common sense explained like a 5 y/o

Two things almost "fixed" me:
>One counselor got that I didn't seem to think or feel like normal
Worked out a few things that felt like we could put something together to not hate life.
His schedule got overbooked and he had to transfer away.

>Ex from 3 years ago
Actually made me feel happy.
Their career meant they had to move 350 miles away, I fucked up so had to spend another year in education.
Distance destroyed us. Stuff happened and now won't talk to me.

Doctors have a problem with me because "Do you ever think about suicide?"
>Anyone who hasn't is either way to sheltered or too stupid to see

"Do you have any plans to kill yourself?"
>Not as such... but give me a second and I'll give you a list of ways with items in this room.

I forgot my meds back end of last week and felt more alive and awake than I have in at least the last year... but I don't know if that was transient or not, my dark lows can be very dark and very low.

>>18235473
Nice story. I have a suggestion. 10 years seems like a long time for your brain to adjust to whatever triggered your depression in the first place.

So maybe try to forget about pills for few weeks, imagine yourself as a happy person and do something what normal people do.

Maybe you are normal. Sort of normal. What do you do? Work? Sleep? Sport? Video games? Books? Something creative?

And you still managed to forget asking question.

>>18235929
There was no trigger, at least not that could be found.
Docs recently been spinning "dysphoric personality disorder"

As for what I do... A lot, when I have the energy.
Gaming: Vidya, board, PnP RPG, hell even some LARP.
I read, write, do a touch of woodwork, some basic tailoring.

Random walks, used to do bits of martial arts but no clubs that work for me since I moved last.

Work is sporadic bits on informal basis, not able to be consistently awake and alert enough for most employment.
Currently looking at some projects that might go big in the tech scene but predicting when that'll come in is like trying to predict the next big YouTube hit.

There is no question as such other than a general asking for advice and direction from anyone who's seen more than I have.

>>18236033
Get a job. Even sone stupid flipping burgers part time will do.

I have a feeling you just want to talk with somebody. Do you do friends? Interpals? Omegle? Discord? Any other social media?

>>18236092
Working for a startup ATM, that's what the projects are.
even burger flipping is beyond me on a bad day...
Bad days are on a scale of only the pain of my dry throat sticking to itself with dehydration for an hour will make me move...

Most places want to define hours instead of work output and that just isn't viable for me.

As for friends, a few but none I would say understand me or my thoughts, those I did have much kinship with have had a lot of shit fall apart on them in recent years.