Will I ever be happy again?

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Not joking OP, you need professional help. That's not to say you'll never be happy again, I honestly think you will be if you honestly try. But you clearly have a lot of issues that need addressing. Get a referral to see a psychiatrist. Be honest about your drug abuse and your ex. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you don't discredit this for some reason. No one on 4chan can help you, this place is toxic. But that's probably why you're here in the 1st place. You have a long journey ahead of you, but I believe you can do it

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Oh, and before anyone brings it up, yes, we both knew that death was a possibility. I even remember that her last words were "Be careful, it's strong. I love you."

We didn't want to keep doing dope our whole lives. We had weaned down and used once a week, then once every two weeks, and then by Christmas, our tolerances were so low that half of a 30 bag killed her. We were honestly trying to quit, but we wanted one last high. It was her last, alright.

We knew that no good could come of shooting dope. She felt guilty for introducing me to it. But she didn't force me to. It was my choice. She didn't want me to start shooting it like she did. I begged her to let me do it just once. I wanted to know what it felt like.

I know that normally, couples that do hard drugs together end up breaking up, but we saw that coming and wanted to stop. We knew it would come between us and we both would rather have each other than let the drug tear us apart. I'm still struggling with it. After she died, I didn't care whether I lived or died any more, and I went into a downward spiral of depression and heavy heroin use. I promised myself that I'd stay clean for her, but that only lasted 3 weeks. I was so depressed and suicidal over her death that I wanted to die and be with her again. But I didn't have the stones to load up a huge shot and overdose on purpose. All I did was intensify my addiction and become a full blown junkie like never before. I'm doing a little better now, but I still use every now and then. Maybe once a week.

But don't try and tell me we weren't going to work out. We wanted to be clean and have each other more than we wanted to get high every single day. But we slipped up one time and that was the end for her.

>>18214526
I've already been to rehab. I'm seeing a psychiatrist. And a therapist. But it doesn't seem to help.

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>>18214545
Is there anything you want to talk about in particular then? It sounds like you got a lot off your chest already. I'll be here for a bit if you want to talk.

I've never been through anything nearly as bad, but I did have a similar sounding relationship with my first girlfriend. We were codependent and from any outsiders opinion, it would've been seen as an unhealthy relationship. But fuck that I was happy to finally have a girlfriend. I finally snapped on our 1 year anniversary and broke up with her, and she ended up stabbing me lol. But I think everyone holds that first love and the person who takes their virginity in a special light. Afterwards I was depressed more than I had ever been. I read pic related a while after and it really helped me. It's pretty basic CBT stuff, and probably nothing new to you. But if you get a chance I'd definitely recommend it.

>>18214579
Yeah, we were pretty codependent. But people always put codependency in a negative light. Fuck that. When we were happy, we were REALLY happy. But when we weren't in a good mood, it wouldn't really be so bad.

I guess I just wanted to know what people think of the idea of "soul mates". She was my soul mate and I believe that you only get one. Maybe it's partly because she took my virginity. Who knows? But back in November of last year, I fucked this one girl I met in outpatient rehab, two different times. Couldn't cum either time because I was on dope. So was she. But she confirmed to me that I am, in fact, good in bed. Nice confidence boost, but I would much rather it be Corrie (my girlfriend, I still don't feel comfortable calling her my ex because we never broke up, she died) than this dope whore that I just met and fucked on the same day. It took me a little over a week to sleep with Corrie and lose my virginity.

I don't care about getting laid any more. I just want to be happy. I don't know how to be happy by myself. I'm missing a huge part of me, there's a void where Corrie used to be, and I can't fill it with anything. I wish I could just be happy, but I'm alone. Fuck my life.

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Soul mates, right.

Think of her as a good movie. For me it's Dark Knight. There will NEVER be another Dark Knight. And that sucks in a way. But then came Neon Demon, which I also like now.

So what I think... Is that there can be many soul mates in your life, but all are different. What that means is that you'll never experience some of the things the first one gave you, but the next one might give you something you never experienced before.

If we had multiple lives after another after death, would only one lifetime be our "soul mate"?

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>>18214683
I'm worried that the next girl I end up with will be missing a high sex drive like she had, won't have her sense of humor, non-judgmental personality, and last but not least, not as attractive as her. I mean, I have never seen another girl in the entire WORLD that I have thought was more beautiful. On the outside AND the inside. I mean, just wow. Not to mention she liked to reach down my pants and get me hard while in public so I'd have to try and hide the fact I had a boner from everyone. She thought it was hilarious.

And the sex...it was just amazing. We did it just about everywhere. In graveyards, the middle of the road, in a park while there were people around, so many places. I'm kind of worried that I'll ruin my next relationship by expecting it to be just as good, or expecting things that the next girl can't or doesn't like to do.

>>18214501
jesus christ OP, stop taking scenes from Breaking Bad.

>>18214708
What are you talking about? Fuck that show.

>>18214706
You're in the rebound mode, my dude. It's the same result as you breaking up even though you didn't technically do it.

You said she's your first. You have no experience in relationships. But it's normal. Give it time and stop looking for a similar woman. Imagine you found a woman who was almost a clone of her. She'd never get your full love, because she'd be just a tool for you to have this fantasy. And because of that she'd never give you the love that would make you happy. But give it time and don't use drugs or be around people who use them. Cut all contact to dealers and users. Even potheads aren't for you, because you're an addict.

>>18214708
You need a rewatch, my nigga. Jesse wasn't with her at the time of death.

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>>18214665
You guys sound like you were a pretty adorable couple. I wish I had something other than cheesy advice to offer, but there's some truth in it (I hate when people say this stuff to me, but try to look past it). If Corrie was alive still, do you think she would want you to be miserable? It's perfectly healthy and normal to grieve, but she seems like a nice and very kind/caring person from what you've said, and I imagine she would want you to be happy no matter what, especially in a situation like you're in now. You say you're missing a huge part of yourself, and I wish I couldn't relate. But you admit it yourself, you are trying to fill a hole that she left. I know you're going to hate what I have to say next, so I hope you don't hate me for saying it, but I think you know deep down that you're eventually going to have to move on and accept the situation you're in. Which is a hell of a lot easier said than done, I'm sure you're aware. But finding happiness will be a lot harder if you keep filling that hole in your life with things that don't truly make you happy. You have to find what will make you happy in the long term and persue it. Eating healthier and exercising is always a great start. Sitting down and writing out some short, medium, and long term goals might help. Maybe consider looking into some form of a higher power if you think that might help. Ultimately it comes down to you. Relying on someone else for happiness is easier than finding it in yourself. It's something I've done my whole life and I'm only just starting to realize how important and true that is. You might be alone for a while as you try to take better care of yourself and learn to love yourself, and I truly hope you're not, you seem like a good person. But you'll come out a lot better for it. Sorry if this is all over the place, hopefully it makes a little sense

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>>18214721
That's what I'm saying. I'll never find anyone exactly like her. Even if I did, we'd be missing all the history we had together. She'd end up leaving me because I'd just be wishing it was Corrie. I'm not looking for relationships right now.
>>18214731
Thing is, I don't know what will make me happy in the long term. I remember one time cuddling with her after some passionate lovemaking, just enjoying her company, and thinking "THIS is the meaning of life. Finding something to be passionate about." And I was passionate about her. I remember that being the happiest time of my life. Anyway, I need to take better care of myself. I've let myself go in a sense. I shower every other day instead of every day now, I've not practiced on my guitar for months now. Believe me, I've been trying to find some kind of hobby or new passion. But I still don't know what, yet.

Oh, and she passed the test, btw. The test being this: If she stays with you when you have no job, no money, and no assets, and sticks with you and encourages you to improve yourself, then she's a good woman. I lived with her for a good while while we both had absolutely nothing and were just scraping by, and she still stayed with me. That there is a rare thing, the ultimate test of loyalty for a woman. And she passed.

>>18214777
Well, OP, you're the perfect example of why you should never be so needy of another person. You'd be in a very similar case if she broke up with you, because you haven't given yourself the respect you gave her. Your life is at its bottom now. We all climb our separate ladders and to be frank your ladder is fucking weak. You basically lived your life wanting someone to pick you up and take to the surface. No. Start climbing, you little shit. Don't depend on us on 4chan or any other people. Stop posting her photos on this board. She would not accept. All the good things to you though. Gather good people around you and share this great journey with them. In 10 years I want you to write back here and tell us about everything that happened after you focused on yourself. Take good care, will you.

>>18214501
>We both became junkies,

Maybe realizing that the love of your life turned you into a junkie will help you to get over her.
Sorry to sound so cold, but "facts is facts".

>>18214809
Thank you, anon. I'll stop being such a faggot.

>>18214501
why did you kill her?

>>18214829
Ignore this one, OP.

>>18214834
nah, he killed her

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>>18214807
I wouldn't be in a similar case if she broke up with me. Not at all. That one would be easy to get over. I'm done posting her photos anyway. It wasn't that I was needy. I'm not relying on another person to help me be happy. I just couldn't stand being alone. Life is so much better when you have someone to share it with. I've had lots of great times since, but I still wish that she could have been a part of them.

>>18214809
>>18214827
>>18214829
>>18214835
Look at this worthless samefag. Go back to /b/ if you're going to act like a retard.

Honestly you should off yourself as well. You're a toxic person who just misses his "hot" gf- nevermind that her "hotness" was only because she was a drugged out slut who ultimately died.

>>18214835
He didn't kill her, her poor decision making caused her to kill herself. She turned him into an enabler because he's weak and she was a lonely junkie. He could've easily been the one that didn't wake up.

>>18214535
>But don't try and tell me we weren't going to work out.
Well, the reality is that you didn't. Poor choices still caused you to split--she's dead.

Man, what's with the sudden influx of /b/ tier faggots in this thread? Some neckbeards jealous because they've never even kissed a girl?

This is /adv/, not /b/ or /r9k/. Go fuck yourselves if all you've got to say is some insulting shit.

>>18214849
Bravo, you've pointed out the obvious. What I meant by that is if she had lived, and we successfully stayed clean, everything would have worked out.

>>18214861
If you want a possible answer...

OP is rambling way too much and unnecessarily posting the girl's photos. That behavior will make helpful people like me mad. (I'm not one of the shitposters) And also it attracts shitposters, because the thread has no direction anymore.

>>18214877
I'm done posting her photos. And yeah I'm kind of rambling but this thread is pretty much done with. I don't know where to go from here.

>>18214883
Keep being positive and learn from this sad experience you had.

>>18214889
I have to quit doing heroin first, then get off the suboxone that I'm prescribed as well. Then, I'll actually be able to save some money from my paychecks. My long term goal is to practice dent repair until I'm able to turn that into a career. Paintless dent repair, while difficult to learn, is an extremely high paying trade. I already have all the tools. Just sucks that it takes 2 years minimum of practice to really get good at it enough to make money.