Positive Thinking

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>>18202557

i think a lot of people would argue that men have this problem becuase they are constantly tearing each other down. and if you look at women they do the same. then if you look at male female dynamics, you'll find the same too. so really its just a human issue, we all need to put someone down in order to lift ourselves up. we can't have a society where were all equal, cuz then were all just inadequate.

the best thing one can do for himself is to create a positive support group, or rather cultivate positive relationships. someone once explained it on this board like pic related.

basically if your romance fails, you will need friends to fall back on... and if your friends leave you, you need family to fall back on.

family is the strongest base because its the easiest to maintain. you can do some really horrid shit to your family and they'll still take care of you (as a general rule) whereas you can do less horrid shit to your friends and virtually no horrid shit to your girlfriend.

the problem is, people actually live this pyramid in reverse. They have a primary focus on relationships and dont care much what happens to their friends, and by the time they reach adulthood they treat their family like its simply a chore.

so then they break up, or get turned down and feel miserable and have no one to suppor them. if they do date a girl they will often stop seeing their friends a lot, or even stop seeing them altogether, then act surprised when the most fragile of human relationships is broken.

the best thing anyone can do is cultivate a strong bodn with their family, but not everyone has that option. in my own case, i kinda resent my family, particularly my father, and live so far away that it doesn't much matter.

but after that, the best you can do is invest in friendship. if you look at the history of male relationships you'll actually find that until recently, male friendship was the most important thing.

cont

>>18202579

back 'in the day' women were just naturally wedded off to men and it wans't much different than adopting a child. it was someone you basically took into your life that you had SOME choice in but that they had virtually no choice in.

the wife was someone who would take your orders (much like a child) and was like a house servant that you fucked. sure you'd bond, but ultimately if there was any issue, the woman would have to lose the argument and the man would get his way.

as a result, there wasn't a lot of pressusre in romance the way there is today. the man just did what he wanted and a woman was naturally along for the ride.

which means that the actual bonding tended to be between men. It was men who go to war together, who grew up talking to each other, who had the kind of bonding moments we often associate with romance (in a not gay way i assure you) it was men who would start businesses together and work together and basically do everything together.

they'd get their own wives and kids, but the importance of a 'god father' was super big back then because you needed someone you trusted to raise your kids if you passed.

regardless, the long winded point im making here is that if you can't make family your strongest base, then invest in friendships. take a break from worrying about romance and cultivate friendships, or deepen existing ones. take the time to show people how much they mean to you instead of just 'going through the motions' so to speak.

when you DO date, make ample time with your friends, especially at first. why is it that if you start dating a girl, someone you've known about a month, you think its okay to to choose her over the people who supported you and took care of you for years? DONT. its okay to say 'sorry im hanging with my friends tonight'.

and if she doesn't understand that, then she wasn't going to last long anyway.

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>>18202557
Mindfulness, requires constant, conscious positive thinking, until it eventually becomes a natural part of your psyche. I haven't done it myself, but as far as I understand it, it's something like that.

One thing i have tried though, is a gratitude list. It's cheesy as fuck and isn't a cure-all, but it works to make your day a bit brighter. I just write down 5 things I'm grateful for every day, trying not to repeat things as much as possible. You can do more or less as it suits you. It could be as simple as 'having electricity' or deeper. Make sure you only write things you actually feel grateful for, bc for almost a year I was writing down things I knew I should feel grateful for but didn't, and it ended up making me feel worse. I keep mine in a book and read through them all on bad days.

Staying in contact with friends is very important. We are social creatures, and you WILL feel depressed without human contact. It's instinct. Without that social instinct, society would never have formed. Being too afraid to act on that instinct doesn't mean it's not there.

And of course, proper diet and exercise meme

>>18202595
I appreciate this, but i do have great relationships with my close family and a couple of friends who give me positive reinforcement. I think my issue moreso lies within my own head, I just cant envision things in a positive light. Another example: ive saved a good amount of money at my job and plan on taking a trip. All i can think about it having a shitty time on the trip, losing money, wasting my time, coming back to repeat the cycle etc. I wish i could think "yea the future is gonna be great!" But my internal voice shits on everything.

>>18202557

>Last night I had a fucking dream where I tried flirting with a woman I saw at a grocery store and she turned me down... a fucking dream.

If this is your biggest insecurity, rejection, then I think you need to spend more time being empathetic and talking to others. Rejection is a part of life. Even women face rejection.

A lot of girls I've talked to romantically and platonically have been sexually abused. Often by a family member. Could you imagine the trauma that must cause? I mean really consider that. Consider someone touching you, like your dad, or your mom, or a sibling. Imagine that happening when you're too small to have stuck up for yourself. Imagine that happening, and there is no way to get away from it because it is your caretaker or someone who owns the roof you're living under.

Sure, rejection suck. Feeling not good enough sucks. But everyone is dealing with negative and toxic bullshit. So, I guess in a way, get over yourself because nobody gets a free ride in life.

>>18202615

pessimism is the worst. but what makes something a 'good trip'?

i think at the end of the day if you dont get mad over stupid shit, you'll be fine. i had the same worry on my last vacation, and i was worried id be like my dad and just hate everything.

but ultimately i just put those fears behind me, and just did what i had planned. i walked up the beach, i ate some ice cream, and i had a nice dinner. could it have been a better vacation? sure. but i enjoyed the things i did do so it didnt much matter

>>18202557

>A lot of men and I seem to have this problem.

First step: It's not "men", it's "people". There's nothing intrinsic to your gender that makes you unhappy.

Second, positive patterns are the key. Do things that make you feel good. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good and avoid ptterns that make you feel bad.

>>18202626
I dont often approach women on the street and try to flirt with them, so i would have to admit that the thought of rejection makes me more hesitant than i should be.

>>18202606
>gratitude list
There's nothing I'm genuinely grateful for, only things I feel I should be grateful about: is that the same?

>>18202762
Did you read the fucking post? Read the fucking post again and then make another post where you apologize for being stupid, and THEN ask about your concerns you pathetic shit.

>>18202772
I apologize for having been stupid.

What do you do if you have nothing you feel grateful about?

>>18202778

grow up, mostly.

>>18202828
That's awfully vague.

Could you elaborate?

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>>18202778
You're lying to yourself, not even trying, or intentionally discounting the positive things in your life, because unconsciously you feel comfortable in the shitty feelings. Been there. Find just one thing to prove your dumb ass wrong. It can be trivial. No matter how many things are going wrong, you have to admit that some are going right.

Also, sorry for being a dick, I had just typed a really angry post and was still kinda pissed.

>>18202831

how about this.

go out into the woods. and try to exist there for a week. or hell, dont even go to the woods, try to exist with no food or money on the streets. just do it.

trust me, when you finally go home you will be grateful.

>>18202838


pretty much this. people like to victimize themselves because it makes them special.

>>18202838
>not even trying
How do you "try"? You yourself said that being grateful only works if you're sincere.

>you feel comfortable in the shitty feelings
I think you might be right. I've - on average - felt kind of bad for most of my life, and I might've developed some kind of twisted attachment to negative feelings. Maybe it's because I've been avoidant for many years, and negativity gives me an excuse to keep avoid efforts.

>>18202851
How do you overcome that?

>>18202557
>We are perpetually beating ourselves up and find it nearly impossible to think positive thoughts.
Speak for yourself man.

>Any advice to put myself on the path to positive thinking? How do you all do it, if you do.
Mix it up! Whenever you get stuck in a mental rut, it's good to try out new things. Drive different routes, eat different foods, start a new hobby?

Are you getting exercise every day?
Are you eating well?
Are you getting at 6-8 hours of sleep every night?
Do you abuse any drugs like alcohol or narcotics?
Are there a lot of stress in your life?

>>18202885

by wanting to be happy and deconstructing your own behaviors.

>>18202579
What the fuck even is that relationship pyramid? If you'd pick your girlfriend over your best friends or your own family you've got fucking issues. Girlfriends come and go, good friends and family are with you for life.

>>18202951

and yet you'll notice that most people choose their girlfriends over everyone else, usually in small ways, but they build up.

once oyu get a girlfriend you stop seeing your friends as much, or altogether. its a common occurence.

the pyramid says that family is most importance, then comes friendship, and then romance is the weakest, something you can only have if you laready have the good support of the other two.

but we are a nation that grew up on disney films and rom coms, every tv series and movie ends with the guy getting the girl.

>>18202951
>>18203010

girlfriends do come and go, yet people act surprised, because they believe they find the 'one' who wouldnt go.

>>18202557
You aren't being hard on yourself you're being realistic. The problem is that in the 21st century if you aren't perfect then you won't make it, unless you want mediocrity, as there are so many things outside of your control working against you.

Uh, it's not a male problem.

>>18203010
>most people choose their girlfriends over everyone else
That doesn't seem healthy man.

>once oyu get a girlfriend you stop seeing your friends as much
Which again seems unhealthy, and isn't something I've ever really done, or any of my friends really, and when one of us does do it, the rest of us gotta get involved and see what's up, because quitting on your friends just because you have a girl ain't normal.

>the pyramid says that family is most importance, then comes friendship, and then romance is the weakest
Yeah I guess I was looking at it weird, seems like the more important shit would go at the top, since that's the part of the pyramids that used to have the gold cap, but I see how it is now.

>>18203038

>that doesn't seem healthy

i never said it was, on the contrary i think its stupid and detailed in my post why thats not a good idea, cuz when the gf inevitably leaves you, or you her, you have no one.

>my friends and i dont do that

im sure if you look at it you'd find it not to be the case, but regardless, if its not than you're a lucky bunch. but its hard to actually get to the point where you move in with your girlfriedn and make her feel special if you arent seeing your friends less. a lot of people get closer and closer to their girlfriends until they are seeing them pretty much every day. its how people get on the path of moving intogether / getting married.

>the most important should be at the top

the gold part at the top wasn't the most important, it was just the most pretty, the most fragile, the smallest part.

the base of the pyramid is more important, its what holds the whole thing up. people just like whats at the top more. doesn't make it more important.

if you look at most pyramid charts you'l lfind the bottom isn't the least important, like the 'needs for living chart' its bottom is literally food and oxygen. the most important things. b ut at the top are the things that are most coveted.

and unfortunately romance is the most coveted. probably becuase of our biological need to reproduce.

>>18202885
>How do you overcome that?

You recognize your negative thought, try to figure out what form of distortion it is, then give a counterpoint thought with the cognitive distortion in mind.

For me this looked like:
1. Feels nervous on bus
2. "Why am I feeling this way?"
3. "The bus is gonna crash."
4. "Fortune telling. You don't know the bus is going to crash, nothing indicates that this will happen and based on the lack of evidence this is probably your anxiety talking. You're going to be uncomfortable but you'll live."
5. Feels less or same amount of anxiety rather than spiraling out of control into panic.
6. Uses breathing techniques to calm body down.

>>18203051
>cuz when the gf inevitably leaves you, or you her, you have no one.
My thoughts exactly.

>im sure if you look at it you'd find it not to be the case, but regardless, if its not than you're a lucky bunch
Okay, to clarify here, obviously yes we lose some time with each other when we're dating, but that's inevitable, you can't add another significant element to your life without taking time out of other things, but the point is we don't ever quit seeing each other, we're still meeting up at least 3 or 4 times a week and always on the weekend. If a girl starts pressuring one of us to quit hanging around with the others, we ignore it. You gotta have close friends in life. Girls come and go, but true friends are always there. Sounds trite, but I sincerely believe that if more people had at least one good friend, the world would be a safer, happier place.

>if you look at most pyramid charts
Yeah I was just being stupid, I'm really tired right now, excuses, etc.

>>18203083

>all dat jazz aout friendship

i agree whole heartedly, but thats kinda what im trying to preach here. you are in the minority, trust me.

the big problem is what if you don't really have the option of seeing both?

for instnace my friend is seeing a girl, and until recently everything balancedp retty okay. but he started a new school and is busy pretty much all but one night a week. lo and behold, i havent seen him at all, cuz he claims hes 'busy' but he still sees his girlfriend every week.

now i can try to tal kto him about it and i have in a different scenario a year ago, but iwth this being more of a crunch for time i dont think hes going to respond as warmly.

>i was being stupid

its okay, i do that a lot.

>>18203083

also, which country are you from / living in if you dont mind me asking?

>>18203036
You forgot to add *sips tea*

>>18203100
>what if you don't really have the option of seeing both?
Pick friends, every time. This is going to sound horrible, but hear my out: all you need from a woman is sex, everything else can come from a man. Now, to clarify that, this also applies if I had to choose between a female friend or a girlfriend, the friend would probably come first. Maybe I'm just dating the wrong kind of women, but except for sex (and cuddling, eye candy, etc), my friends are better for pretty much everything. Now, you better fucking believe that would change a bit for the girl I'd wife, but with these girls I'm seeing now? It's not even a contest.

>>18203107
USA.

>>18202557
Sounds like me at your age. Its like this conflict of who are supposed to be and feeling inadequate because you will never measure up to perfection so all you see are gaping flaws. 20 years from now you'll look back at photos and think you had the missing thing at this point in time. You can try several things such as relaxation techniques people keep recommending or talk to a therapist who either treaches relaxation techniques or one that loistens to your problems. Find one that suits you. If not that then some kind of art and continuously analyze the emerging themes in your work.

>>18203119

again, i agree with you, but if you look around you'll find its not true. the fact that people spend thousands of dollars on weddings show how much we worship romance, the fact that you marry and move in with your girlfriend at some point, generally leaving the friends you were rooming with shows that its the 'endgame'.

in a perfect world your way wins. but ifd i asked my friend to pick between me and his girlfriend, im pretty sure hed pick her. because we are taught that romance is just more special.

after all you can just make more friends.

i disagree, and it makes me sad that as i get older i will lose most of my friends to romance. but thats the world we live in

>>18203148
>i will lose most of my friends to romance
This is why I think getting involved with martial arts, hunting, pool, football, just any one of those primarily male passtimes is important as men get older. Not only does it help you stay in shape, but it gives you an excuse to be around other men and make friends. You see too many guys who reach their 30's and 40's who only ever hang around with men outside of their family when they're at work, which seems torturous to me. Coworkers *can* be your friends, but they often aren't, so you gotta look elsewhere. Glad my dad got me hooked on martial arts and pool, because it means I'll always have an easy way to make friends, even when I'm older.

>>18203176

thats actually really good advice. my interests swing more geeky but i certainly wouldnt mind learning martial arts. not a lot of hunting in the city, do that back home with the senpai though.

im anxious about looking like that loser who can't get married when im older, but frankly id prefer the reptuation to actually settling down. maybe il lchange when i get over but im just not a marriage kinda guy.

>>18203189
>but i certainly wouldnt mind learning martial arts
Do it man! Every friend I've ever convinced to come to classes with me has enjoyed the hell out of it, and all but one of them are still practicing and the only one who stopped did so only because of nerve damage in his back. There's something inside of every human that loves learning how to fight.

>maybe il lchange when i get over but im just not a marriage kinda guy.
I don't think keeping good friends and getting married is a mutual exclusive thing, I just think you all have to make an effort to see each other regularly, and make up for lost time with affection.One of the stupidest fucking parts of american culture is that most guys don't hug their friends or tell them they love them, which is bullshit. Glad I grew up around a lot of Sicilians, those guys love showing affection for their friends.

>>18203231

my friends are reasonably huggy, i was actually the least huggy for childhood trauma reasons, but im over it now.

i dont think the two are mutually exclusive but they tend to be one or the other. especially once kids are in the mix, but its really easy for a woman to say 'you're at work all day and you want to go hang out with your friends now? what about me? what about the kids?' etc.

with my current friend i feel that if this is just him being busy with school i cant imagine how bad it'll be if he gets married. its disappointing because he was like me, more on the single side and just getting laid where needed. but this girl has changed a lot. and i dont blame him cuz shes pretty cool, but i miss him. ive only seen him in the last month once incidentally because he happened to be on my street scoping out a location for a school filming project, whereas we used to hang at least twice a week.

but the best he offers me these days is a 'maybe depends on homework' which almost always gets pushed to the last minute because of the girlfriend.

we had a similar issue when they started dating. like we made plans to hang out the 4th of july, then he cancelled two days before because his girlfriend invited him somewhere else. her birthday happens to be two days apart from mine, and he started insisting that i need to celebrate it on a different week so that he can be ready for any possible last minute plans he makes with her.

was pretty disappointing.

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read 'the power of now' by Eckhart Tolle
it will fuck you in the good way

>>18203259
Whats it about

>>18202885
"Grateful" is kind of a strong word. I'd use "appreciative" instead.
You can be appreciative of the simplest/silliest things. You can be appreciative of food tasting good, the girl walking in front of you having a nice ass, or the funny noise the fridge door makes when you lean on it.

The more you practice this, the more your mind will be primed to notice things to be appreciative (and even grateful) of.

>>18203276

what if im not appreciative of anything?

>>18203253
A great reason to start taking martial arts lessons or learn a sport or something like that, you'll meet new people, and you'll be seeing them regularly if that's how you met them. After all, it's easier to go out for lunch with your buddies from MMA classes than it is to take time out of your week to go meet up with an old college friend.

>>18203276
So I just take a moment to say - for example - "Hmm, this food tastes good" and other similar things until it sticks?

>>18203384
Only if the food actually tastes good.
But if it doesn't, you can still appreciate having learned a lesson about preparing/buying food.

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I've been where you are and I will tell you my secret young one. The best trick to thinking postivily is to stop giving a shit. I do not mean like avoiding helping people because you don't care. I mean trust your self to not give a crap. Trust your self and what you do and what your are going to do if things do not go your way. You can only take things one at a time so don't give a crap.