7-year itch

its a fairytale that falling in love and getting married and being monogamous means that we are supposed to be completley fulfilled. no one ever is.

we want to eat the cake, but we also want to have abs. we can't have both, unfortunately, but its natural to want both. so in the end some people choose the cake. others choose the abs. neither is really better than the other, they both have different benefits. ultimately you will always feel exactly as you do now, enjoying what you do have, but longing for what you don't. so all you can do is choose what feels right in the moment, for as long as it feels right.

as for your relationship, i would be concerned if the entirety of your sex life is her just 'giving in' and doing it begrudgingly. that sounds like hell.

that being said, men tend to forget all the work they had to do to have sex. while women enjoy sex, they don't crave it like men do. you might need to rub her back anytime you want sex. fair trade.

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>>18197339
butt stuff

Don't make me fap again. Lauren literally kills my nofap streaks every time i see her

>>18197371
That is true, but I wish there was a way I could at least be more satisfied with what I have at the expense of yearning for what I don't. I feel like the more time goes by, the more I feel myself being pulled towards wanting to be with other women, however I don't want to have a relationship with other women; I mostly just want to date, bed them, maybe several times, and then move on. I have someone I love and care about already, I mostly just want to fuck women I've never been with like I used to.

It isn't her giving in, I gave up on that a long time ago (which is probably part of the problem). We have sex almost exclusively when she is in mood and wants it, which is rare. I'd say maybe 10% of the time it is because I initiated it with her and she seemed to reciprocate. Most of the time if I ask I get an excuse or a flat out no.

Getting her in the mood when she isn't is an act of futility and has almost never worked. She has a low sex drive and if she isn't feeling it, it probably isn't happening no matter what I try and do.

>>18197398
Hahaha she is gorgeous. My GF looks like her so that is why i chose her pic. Keep up the good fight sir!

Look man, as hard as it is...you guys just have to put your issues out there and up for discussion. There's sometimes nothing greater than the fear of confrontation but speaking from experience you just have to talk it out and have NO reservations what-so-ever. Make it clear to her as well that full honesty and openness is expected of her as well. You may both decide you want to briefly see other people or explore options and that's natural. What you're doing is great in voicing your concerns to the public instead of acting on impulse and cheating which leaves you both with grief. Just get that convo started after a good solid week of no bickering or anything and let it flow. I had a very similar situation, only 3 years but dependent as fuck. She also had vagina issues which made it too painful for her to have sex for more than 10 minutes at a time. Multiple times she expressed concern and I said get the surgery I will pay for it. To this day she hasn't and I cheated 3 times while we were living together. It broke both of us pretty bad but good on you for voicing and communicating. Best of luck man.

>>18197339
is she on birth control or something? maybe something is causing her low libido

tell her directly "we need to either fix our sex life or break up" and see a counselor or something. you probably won't be able to fix it just the two of you.

>>18197407
She has to realize at some point that a low sex drive can kill a relationship with such young people, you guys can get help it could be stress related (try yoga it fucking rocks for stress relief) or she might even need medication or at least counseling. Just hang in there and try to help her, but if she isn't having it then be honest about how you feel and if you need to then move on. If it gets to the point where you can't leave then maybe MAYBE go fuck a decent escort and wear a fucking rubber. But only as a last resort man

Who is this fluid druid?

Also yeah dont do it shit idea. Sounds like you'll break up eventually t b h based on how your post reads.

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>>18197371
>while women enjoy sex, they don't crave it like men do
Ayyy lmao

>>18197407
>She has a low sex drive and if she isn't feeling it, it probably isn't happening no matter what I try and do.
Sex has a different function for men and for women.
A woman's sex drive is highest when she's trying to secure a man.
Why do you think there's so much anecdotal evidence for libido taking a nosedive after marriage? Once you can be taken for granted, sex performs one less function for her.

Women prefer subtlety.
You probably know by know that if you demand she does something, not only will she refuse to do it but she'll also resent you.
But you've probably found her doing things you only hinted at, or never even thought to suggest, as if they were her idea all along.

I suggest you turn these two truths to your advantage. Begin considering your options.
Don't pursue them aggressively, but don't necessarily reject them if they come calling.
She'll notice.

This approach may be unpalatable to you. But which is the worse scenario?
Losing a good friend you occasionally have dispassionate sex with
Committing to a dissatisfying sex life

>>18197339
Every relationship hits a phase where things get really stale and you feel unfulfilled.

Talk to her. Tell her the things you dislike about your relationship and ask her if there's something she'd like to change. Ask her if she's willing to work on those things.
Don't be accusatory, don't be mad, and make sure you remind her you want to be with her and be happy with her.

The dependency is relatively easy because all she needs to do is make new friends: so she might pick a new hobby, start volunteering, take a class or whatever till she meets people she likes.
For the sex life: get her in the mood. Usually women have a more "emotional" sex drive. Reduce her stress: run errands for her, do the dishes, help her cook, do the bed. Be actually romantic: go out with her, take her out for dinner, have a walk at a nice place. Be physical without being sexual: cuddle her, massage her, kiss her. And, of course, make sure the sex is amazing when you actually have sex. Usually these things help.

>>18197482
No. For several years she ws on Cymbalta for depression which we thought might be the issue, but it has been over a year since she was last on it and the sex drive is still fairly low. Can't say it got any better or worse once she was off the medication.

She does not use birth control, I use condoms or pull out on a few occasions.

We have talked about it several times, and we both agree that it is due to her depression. She is far less depressed than she used to be, but like the Cymbalta, it hasn't improved or decreased the amount of sex we've had in a very long time.

>>18197609
She likes yoga and so do I, but we haven't done it in a while. Might give it a shot again. The last time we talked about this issue she thinks that it could be related to a small weight gain she had for several years when her depression got pretty bad (about 30lbs, but she is 5'9 so it isn't super noticeable). She has been hitting the gym more and is down about 15lbs and is looking excellent again, but then again she has always been very attractive. I've been going too to work on my muscle tone in an attempt to become more physically attractive to her too; it doesn't hurt to try and at least I'm being healthy.

If what we are currently working on does not help, hell, even if it does a little bit, counseling is something we've discussed too. Without going into details, our lives are a little hectic at the moment so as soon as they calm down we'll likely be looking into it.

As you said, the hall pass is kind of the last resort, although I highly doubt she would be okay with this, and to be honest I'm not sure i would be either. As badly as I want to date other women, I imagine doing it being single, not on a break from my GF. I just don't feel like I could in good faith romance and sleep with a girl knowing I was still technically committed to another. I know, fucking gay, but that's just how I am. I really hope it doesn't get to that point, and I will do everything in my power to prevent it from going that far.

>>18197689
>I suggest you turn these two truths to your advantage. Begin considering your options.
>Don't pursue them aggressively, but don't necessarily reject them if they come calling.
>She'll notice.

This is essentially my approach now. When we first started dating I found out quick that coming on strong with her was very counter productive. All it took with a few of my previous relationships was a few passionate kisses on the neck and a subtle grab of a thigh and we were both naked less then a minute later. With her I have found being a non-direct is by far the best approach, actually it is really my only approach. I pretty much try and be on my best behavior around her, being as ideal of a man as I can in her eyes, which doing so gets me laid here and there, but at the very least I get complimented, kissed, hugged, and told how lucky she feels to have me. The love is definitely there, her desire for sex just isn't.

>>18197715
We have talked about it quite a few times, but it is still a work in progress. In fact, I first brought this issue up about 3-years ago when it began really bothering me. She acknowledges her low sex drive and I feel like our conversations and potential solutions have become more productive around fixing this problem. However, aside from her losing some weight and her depression improving to the point where she no longer had to take anti depressants, our sex life is pretty much the same.

As I said, we are best friends and we are always pretty close; we do a lot of activities together, and as part of trying to be a good boyfriend I do a lot of chores for her and do what I can to make her feel loved and special. However, I like you recommendations regarding messages and being more physical; that is something that has slipped a little in recent years and might make us both feel better about being intimate. I'll just need to go in with low expectations; she is very attractive and I cannot help but want her when I start touching her for extended periods of time.

She might benefit from some friends too, but I feel like that might help me out more than her. Unless I am mistaken, she doesn't seem too concerned with increasing her social circle outside of me and two other friends she still has and sees once ever month or two. I'll encourage her to spend more time with them though.

>>18197781
spending all your time together can't help

>>18197669
I've been with 10 girls throughout 4 years, and only one had "sexual cravings", and one more was almost always up for sex, but never initiated it. OP's experience is common among my friends as well, desu

I am in exactly the same boat as you, I actually came to /adv to post the same request for advice as you have.

My girl and I are both 27 years old, been together since 18 years old. Won't bother going deeper into the story, as it aligns 100% with yours (best friends, she has no social circle, etc + low sex drive)

Good to know others are in the same boat, even if there aren't an abundance of options for us.

>>18197339
I'm 29 myself male and single of fucking course.
I'm into legal sex tourism.
While it can be kind of nice to fuck a women and never have to see or hear from her again. I would gladly give it up for a serious committed relationship with a mostly good set of traits.

What's that saying that god doesn't give with both hands.
You can have a nice car but, it would be harder to get that nice motorcycle and if you ever did get both well... one day you're going to be riding your motorcycle wishing you were in your car.

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>>18197850
Damn, this anecdotal evidence is really making me think.

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Don't cheat on her bro.

i've once came across a very interesting approach regarding sexual tensions in long term relationships. it has stuck with me and i have even tried it out irl with tremendous results. the idea is that we crave the unfamiliar. exactly what you're saying. the excitment of undressing and touching someone we've never touched before. the uncertainty of being "allowed" to kiss and feel them.
now there are two solutions to this. either you actually get physical with a stranger or you make your partner feel like a stranger again. obviously, the second option would be a lot more beneficial for your standing relationship (open relationships that work are as rare as unicorns...). so, how do you make your partner feel like a stranger in a GOOD way? it's actually fairly easy. you need to observe them from a distance, doing something that makes you proud to be "allowed" to be so close to them and even better if other cheer for them too. it makes them insanely desireable. for example, see them win a prize or hold a speech in front of an audience. have a role in a play or get recognized for their excellent work.
i can almost guarantee you that her desire to have really wonderfull sex will skyrock when she sees you in such a situation. i've got the idea from a book called "mating in captivity". i donmt really remember the rest if the book and if i recall it correctly, the author is a french woman with some questionable track record in cheating. so i guess the book itself is to be taken with a grain of salt. but this really holds true. i've intentionally used it to revitalize my own sexdrive with pretty convincing results. giving it a try can't hurt and wven small stuff like doing something impressive the next time you go to a family gathering might be enough. she just needs to be proud of you. having a blast with her toddler niece might also activate her biologial clock, which will give her a hormonal rush, resulting in her not being able to get enough from you.

>>18198340
oh and ofc, the other way around works for your wish to touch someone "unfamiliar". iow, encourage her to pursue stuff that puts her in a sitation like that where you observe her from afar.

here's a ted talk from the author.

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

>>18198340
Solid advice, but boils down to something much simple than "make your partner feel like a stranger."

Be an interesting person who is consistently growing and doing new things. Can't get bored with someone who isn't stagnating.

>>18198353
of course, yes.

i don't think you can keep up desire in monotonie.

i'm actually rewatching the ted talk right now. it's really good.

>>18198340
That is excellent advice and an approach I'd prefer desu. As I mentioned in an above post I have been going to the gym regularly, trying to remove 15lbs or so and gain some lean muscle. I desire her almost constantly, but the uncommon occurrence that she overtly desires me is a huge turn on for me. Really solid advice, thank you!

>>18197878
I'm sorry to hear that, but it is comforting to know that you aren't the only person going through something. Hopefully some of the advice, which most has been pretty good so far can help you and your girl out.