Letting BF have female roommate?

>>18183202
Is she fat?

Is she ugly?

If both are no, there's no way I would allow this. Even if he doesn't intend to, sooner or later something will happen between them, it's practically inevitable, especially if he only sees you a couple of times a month.

If you say you're not comfortable with it and he doesn't understand, I'd say that's a major red flag.

>>18183202
Don't allow it

>>18183224
He's definitely understanding. He's essentially asking my permission and if I say no he won't do it. I'm leaning towards no, for pretty much the exact reasons you brought up. The only reason I am actually considering it is because it will be easier on both of us financially. We are trying to save up to move in together in a couple years, so obviously the money he would save would help with that. Things happen though, even with the best intentions...

If you can't trust your boyfriend with something like this, then there's no way your relationship will survive the long run.

Learn to trust or learn to be alone.

>>18183244
It's not that I don't trust him, I just recognize that people can get into shitty situations even with the best of intentions. I am open to the idea, but I also don't want to be that idiot that walks right into a totally avoidable situation. The idea makes me uncomfortable, and I am also looking for possible things he/I/we can do to make things easier on everyone if we do go ahead with it.

>>18183244
This

You can avoid it this once, but you might not be able to in the future. If he is a potential cheater, wouldn't you rather peel the bandaid and find it out now?

Restrictive relationships are the worse. Just let that girl move in with him and be done with it. If the worse happens and he cheates on you, it's better to find it out now than 10 years ahead with two kids.

>>18183285
I mean I don't want to agree with it just to test him.

Our relationship is very strong right now, but we have our bad patches and being in an LDR comes with it's own worries.

I would hardly say asking him not to do it is restrictive. He is asking if it's okay because he wants to respect my feelings on the matter. He isn't totally adamant about it, and it won't lead to an argument or any feelings of resentment if I say no.

Surely there is some kind of agreement we can have that makes it easier on our relationship, rather than having to live in this weird "well I'm testing you to see if you cheat" type atmosphere.

>>18183285

+1 to this

If he's a cheater, he'll cheat. Better now than in 10-15 years time when you're married and have a whole lot more riding on the relationship than some emotions.

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>>18183202 (OP)
>>18183241

>I trust my bf not to cheat

Obviously you don't, or this wouldn't even be an issue. Either trust him to be a functional adult with an ability to set boundaries with the people in his life or break up with him immediately. You're handling this situation like he's an untrained dog, not like someone in your life you love and trust; like you can't leave him in the room with food on the counter because, in your mind, despite his track record of being honest and faithful the opportunity to cheat is all thats needed for him to jump up and eat it as soon as you turn your back despite all evidence to the contrary. If solely the opportunity to cheat on you is what bugs you then where does it stop? Will you allow him to have a female doctor? A female dentist? Plenty of alone time there. What about a female boss? What if he goes on a business trip and there is a female coworker on the same floor of the hotel, does he have to change rooms? My point is if he REALLy wants to cheat then your arbitrary ground rules and interference aren't going to stop him.

You haven't expressed in your post that he has given you any reason not to trust him so the problem here is with your actions, not his. It would be a really shitty thing to fuck over your boyfriend's housing and financial situation because of your own insecurity.

>>18183314
You won't be testing him just for the sake of it. You'll just be letting him live out a scenario that he might be faced with either way along your life toghether. This will hardly be the only opportunity he will ever have of cheating on you, not to mention that it's so ridiculously easy that if he really wanted to, he would have done it by now.

My gf was extremeley jealous when we started out, and I was coming from a relationship where the girl led me to break up with her so that she could be with a friend of mine. So I just told her that, if I really wanted to, I could cheat her with her neighbor next door and she'd never know. That's the thing with cheaters, opportunity is not what leads them there, it's their morals.

I don't think there's a problem with allowing it, specially because it's someone you two already know and should respect you. Just have your bf say that she's free to bring any dates of her in and she'll get the message.

>>18183261

>The idea makes me uncomfortable

So? You need to immediately decouple yourself from this idea that you your feelings of discomfort are more important than logic and reasoning. Dropping my 4 year old off at preschool made me "uncomfortable" but that doesn't negate the fact that I have to learn to let go.

Being uncomfortable is a natural feeling that sometimes we have to get used to. I know you're young but not everything that makes you uncomfortable is bad; its just new. If trust makes you uncomfortable then you have a lot of growing and maturing to do and it has nothing to do with your boyfriend or his likelihood of cheating.

>I am open to the idea, but I also don't want to be that idiot that walks right into a totally avoidable situation.

You can avoid getting hit by a car by never leaving your house but that doesn't really make any sense, does it? You can avoid a lot of things by just never taking chances in life but I promise you, any guy you're with will eventually grow to resent you if you pressure him to halt the progress of his life because you're afraid something bad might happen.

>I am also looking for possible things he/I/we can do to make things easier on everyone if we do go ahead with it.

Knock this shit off. The quickest way to get this guy to actually cheat and leave you is to start acting like this; treating him like he's incapable of not cheating on you without your interference and making rules for him to follow like he's a child. You can't say you trust him and then treat him like this. You can't have both.

Trust him or don't. The best way to push this guy away into the arms of another woman is to start acting crazy, kind of like how you're suggesting right now.

>>18183319
I think you're kind of mischaracterizing me here.

He has a female doctor, he works closely with a female mentor, and recently he did in fact go on a trip and spent time going out (in groups but still) with other women and it was fine. It was on that trip that he and the girl became closer as friends instead of just being acquaintances before.

Again, I trust him not to cheat, but that doesn't mean he should just put himself in a compromising situation that could just as easily be avoided.

Similarly, I don't see anything wrong with being uncomfortable and looking for some sort of suggestions for how to be more comfortable about the situation if they do move in together. It can't just be "just trust him and deal with it." I am open to this idea but no one is saying anything that could help ease any misgivings I have along the way. Sometimes people feel shitty and in those cases I will depend on my partner to help me feel better. I would like to be able to say "hey if you could just do this I'd feel a lot better" so we can actually solve potential issues rather than letting our relationship devolve into some mistrusting, miserable thing.

>>18183328
Sure there will always be opportunities to cheat, but does anyone else think it's odd that he's actively creating one?

To me the question itself is a red flag. Would you ask him if you could move in with a man? Why couldn't he find a male roommate, wouldn't that be easier than finding a female one?

Obviously situations where cheating is possible are unavoidable, but this specific one is not, and that itself is a red flag.

You guys saying yes let her move in... You're idiots, you only examine if he will cheat you are. Ignoring the situation and making it more about the person.

The reality is these are not normal circumstances he lives 3 hours away and sees op a few times a month. If you place someone in this situation versus the normal op and her bf living together the circumstances are totally different.

I don't belive its fair to compare these two and say if he cheats in this one he will cheat later. That's ignoring a the possibilities of growing distant and the bf growing attachment with the roommate.

In short you are putting more blame on the person than the situation for why cheating might be possible. Which is very common when observing from the outside we tend to blame the person for being at fault example "he tripped what an idiot, he wasn't watching where he was going" example 2 you trip the same way "well why was that chair there, I can't believe they left that there it's all there fault"

>>18183351
Her boyfriend living with and providing emotional to support to a recently divorced woman makes her uncomfortable.

How is that illogical or unreasonable. Some forms of discomfort should not be ignored.

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>>18183362

>Again, I trust him not to cheat, but that doesn't mean he should just put himself in a compromising situation that could just as easily be avoided.

That doesn't make any sense. The only way this could be a compromising situation is if he does something to compromise himself, and if you trust him like you keep saying you do then what is there to be afraid of.

If you actually trust him to set healthy boundaries and behave like an adult then you have absolutely nothing to worry about, but the fact is you don't trust him because if you did we wouldn't be having this conversation.

>Similarly, I don't see anything wrong with being uncomfortable and looking for some sort of suggestions for how to be more comfortable about the situation

THERE IS something wrong because the only reason this is an issue is because you're insecure, not because they're untrustworthy people, not because he has a history of cheating, not because there is any actual evidence to support the fact that you're worried, its just YOUR comfort. Don't you see how inherently damaging that is? To say

"Listen, I trust you but in order to make myself feel more comfortable I'm going to treat you like I don't trust you."

Seriously, think about that sentence. Think about what you're saying.

>I am open to this idea but no one is saying anything that could help ease any misgivings I have along the way.

Of course not, because their lives don't revolve around your paranoia. Trusting him would ease your misgivings. 100%.

>It can't just be "just trust him and deal with it."

Yes, it can, because forcing anyone to live their life within the boundaries of your insecurities will inherently drive then away. Eventually they will grow to resent you.

>>18183372

>Her boyfriend living with and providing emotional support

Please show me in this thread where OP said her boyfriend would serve as this girl's emotional support animal. I don't see it anywhere. Now you're just making up things to fit your narrative.

>How is that illogical or unreasonable.

Because OP continually claims that she trusts him but then continues to rattle on about how he might cheat on her or "put himself in a compromising situation" if she doesn't start meddling and setting ground rules. Thats the definition of mistrust. That is illogical.

>Some forms of discomfort should not be ignored.

True, but this form should, if she actually trusts him like she says she does. If she actually trusts him then there shouldn't be an issue. If she doesn't trust him then she has bigger things to worry about than his room and board.

>>18183364
People who cheat aren't stupid. He wouldn't do things all so clearly and even ask for your permission, specially doing it with someone you know.

If he hasn't cheated on you by now, it won't be having her as a roommate that will do it. He just wants someone he's familiar with as a roommate instead of a complete stranger, and the fact that it's someone you know should make you feel safer, not worried

>>18183377
You are a fucking idiot, this guy could find a male roommate, the whole thing is easily avoidable, but you're just gonna shove you're head in the sand bc

>muh trust

you have to be a woman, any man would realize that there is a slim chance this ends well. A man doesn't live with and provide emotional support to a woman and not fuck her, it doesn't happen.

>>18183328
>This will hardly be the only opportunity he will ever have of cheating on you, not to mention that it's so ridiculously easy that if he really wanted to, he would have done it by now.
Surprisingly this actually makes me feel better.

>I don't think there's a problem with allowing it, specially because it's someone you two already know and should respect you. Just have your bf say that she's free to bring any dates of her in and she'll get the message.
This is a good point as well. He also talks about me a lot (according to him) which should also make it clear.

>>18183351
>Dropping my 4 year old off at preschool made me "uncomfortable" but that doesn't negate the fact that I have to learn to let go.
Well one is something that you have to do and the other most certainly is not. You don't really have a choice, you have to put your child into school, my boyfriend doesn't have to move in with this girl, he can afford to support himself.

>You can avoid getting hit by a car by never leaving your house but that doesn't really make any sense, does it?
I don't find this to be a good analogy. I think a better one would be drinking and driving. There are many instances of people making it home safely, but many examples where they don't, and either way it is a situation that the driver put themselves into.

>Trust him or don't. The best way to push this guy away into the arms of another woman is to start acting crazy, kind of like how you're suggesting right now.
I really don't see how I'm acting crazy. He's already told me multiple times that he just wants me to be comfortable. There really won't be any hard feelings if I say no...

>>18183387
She's recently divorced, do you really think she's not gonna look to him for support, she's not gonna tell him about her problems. There gonna spend a ton of time together, but never get close? Especially considering she's just been through serious emotional trauma.

This whole thing seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

>>18183364
>Why couldn't he find a male roommate, wouldn't that be easier than finding a female one?
We talked about this. He doesn't want to move in with a stranger, and the men in his department that he's friendly with already have plans. I wouldn't call it a red flag, more like a random thought he's running by me.

>>18183370
Thank you. This is some of what I'm trying to get across. There are already certain difficulties of being in an LDR and I just don't want to make things harder unnecessarily.

>>18183377
Surprisingly people have feelings and equally surprisingly they share them with their partner. Saying "oh just don't worry about it!" Doesn't mean I'll just automatically feel that way...I mean seriously, nothing has ever bothered you that you've had to work through to be okay with it? This is a pretty normal human experience. You seem to want to think I'm some crazy paranoid person. If I had that much of a problem I hardly think we'd be in an LDR in the first place.

>>18183387
>Please show me in this thread where OP said her boyfriend would serve as this girl's emotional support animal. I don't see it anywhere. Now you're just making up things to fit your narrative.
I didn't explicitly state it but it certainly is why I mentioned it. She's emotional and vulnerable. He's already helping support her by just being a friend, which again, I'm okay with. He got involved at my instigation. I do fully expect her to depend on him even more as emotional support if they were to move in together.

Not a good idea. You live far away. There would be a good chance that there will be a moment in time where he will feel lonely and she will look just right, a guy will be a guy no matter how faithful he is. They will have plenty of time to get to know each other and feelings will grow, they will start to like each other more and more. Men can't be just friends with women because it will always lead to sex no matter how much you trust him. Sad but true. She is newly divorced and on the rebound and that will leave room for accidents, I didn't mean to hurt you but it just happened kind of stuff. It's said that 45% of people cheat.

>>18183202
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Not to mention you're wondering whether to "let" him like you're his parent.

Maybe I didn't make it clear. He doesn't HAVE to move in with this person. He is fully capable of supporting himself. He is ASKING me if it would be okay. He will not bad sad or otherwise upset if I tell him no. If I were to agree to it I'd like some advice on how we can handle my misgivings. Telling me to get over it isn't helpful. I am not some crazy control freak...I have been talking to him about this thread and he has laughed at the instances where people are suggesting I am. He is okay everyone, seriously.

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>>18183402

>You disagree with me, you must be a woman

Post discarded.

>>18183413

The fact of the matter is that if you trusted him this wouldn't be an issue. You keep saying "might happen" and "compromising situation" but the only thing these things would happen is if your boyfriend willfully performed an action that you keep claiming you trust him not to make. You're contradicting yourself. You can try to skirt around that inevitability all you want but you're prioritizing your feelings of discomfort over reality.

>>18183415

>She's recently divorced, do you really think she's not gonna look to him for support, she's not gonna tell him about her problems.

I'm not going to make assumptions about the future relationships of two people I don't know. I use the evidence provided to form an opinion and I don't try to play fortune teller. Sure, there is a chance they might fall in love. There is also a chance he might fall in love with the blonde teller at his blank. I'm not playing what-ifs. Thats a child's game.

>Surprisingly people have feelings and equally surprisingly they share them with their partner. Saying "oh just don't worry about it!" Doesn't mean I'll just automatically feel that way...I mean seriously, nothing has ever bothered you that you've had to work through to be okay with it?

Communicating with your partner about your insecurities is completely normal and healthy. Forcing your partner to make concessions in their life based on your insecurities, however, is not. Claiming I trust my partner whilst simultaneously laying fourth "ground rules" of behavior for them is an inherently contradictory act and under no circumstances could be considered "working it out".

You claim you trust him but are now treating him like you don't and, strangely enough, he has no issue with it. Your whole situation is strange.

>>18183452

>It's said that 45% of people cheat.

Its also said that 95% of statistics are pulled directly out of the ass.

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>>18183434

Ohhhhh ok. I see whats happening. You don't actually want advice or contradicting opinions of any kind, you're just combing through this thread to find the people who agree with you and using them as validation for your decision.

You already knew what you were going to decide before you even posted this thread, you just needed an echo chamber to gather opinions that aligned with what you had already decided was true.

Smooth move, OP. I wash my hands of you and your nonsense.

>>18183202
If he isn't a piece of shit and she isn't either, then you have nothing to worry about.
If they are, then congrats you just saved yourself from potentially years of a doomed relationship.
Just because he's living with a woman doesn't mean he's gonna end up doing anything with her. Don't be pessimistic.
I do understand where you're coming from though, it's definitely something that takes a ton of trust, especially if the other woman is both vulnerable and available.

Then why are you here. Let them move in together. Don't get mad if you have to be on The Jerry Springer Show. By you being snooty to everyone against the decision of them moving in together, you have made the decision of yes. So, give it a try. It's only been two years in the relationship and if something goes wrong, it's not a big loss. I'm ten years in, married and kids and I would never let my other half live with the opposite sex no matter what the situation. But go ahead, good luck and keep us posted.

>>18183557
You are johnny on the spot here. Lol

OP don't list to trust fags that like to preach about things they know nothing about. I would never be okay with a single woman living with my bf, specially in a LDR. Also, no point you getting in a situation that you already don't like and will surely create problems for you in the future out of simple insecurities even if nothing happens.

Avoid these stupid ethic traps. We're humans and overall mammals. Being in a relationship doesn't stops you from wanting to fuck other people and there's no reason to willingly put to your limits to test every fucking day of your life.