Getting back after breakup

>>18176922
One night she comes to my, crying, a mess in general. She says she loves me more than anything but she "might not feel in love anymore". She has a lot of things to do, and cant have me as a first priority, she is confused, she has been feeling bad for about a month for it and in general, cant handle all this anymore. I ask her if she wants to break up. She is not sure, but doesnt see a solution (probably said not sure not to hurt me) . I suggest a break of a month, where she can relax (easter holidays with her family) and we can retry things if she wants to later. She agrees very reluctantly, which made me realise that even 1 month later she would still be in the same mental state. So the day after i take her out and suggest we break up. She agrees and we part in a very understanding, loving , and civilised manner.

>>18176922
She sounds like she a has a metric fuckton of baggage. I'm sure you care about her and want to make things work, but to be honest with you, you need to ask yourself why and if it's really worth it

>>18176935
that was chapter B. the breakup. Should mention it was a 2 year relationship

So, chapter C: the aftermath

We dont talk for a week, take our time. I imagine it wasnt easy for her either, but i cried like a little bitch, and all the stuff people in deep grief do. i thought of cutting all contact, asking her to get back to me etc etc. but in the end after 1 week of no contact i very casually sent her a message on facebook, to see if she wanted to meet up, on the pretext that i had to return one of her books to her.

She was actually very happy to hear from me. Told me that she thinks my decision (to break up) was correct, that she misses me from her life but knows she cant have everything. Told me some random stuff on her own (that she would get her hair cut). When i told her that i was also happy that we can talk and that i actually had missed her a bit ( in a non whiny manner) she told me to stop or she ll start crying again. In the end we happily agreed to meet up 1 week later (1 week from now). And here we come to the final chapter. What the fuck do i do

You screwed up op. Rebounds never work out.

>>18176935
>She says she loves me more than anything but she "might not feel in love anymore".
I dont see why she'd have an issue with that, that is normal

>and we can retry things if she wants to later
Shouldnt it be if "you" want to? I mean she's the one breaking up with you, it should be your choice for you to get back together.

>>18176944
So chapter D: What the fuck do i do

As it should be apparent, i love this girl more than anything. and i never minded her stress too much. i was always happy to be there for her. Obviously i want her back. Merely im not sure how to go about it. I understand i should not get too needy and say "please come back to me/ i ll wait for you when you are ready etc.". I understand i should be confident and happy, show her im in a good place after thinking things through.

I did think things through. Despite all the trouble, we have deep feelings for each other, and while i cant bet that she is in love with me, she does love me and once you love someone that much you never quite stop. Im half-decided on going out with her, talking a bit about us in a relaxed retrospective manner, and then... i want to show her somehow that i want her still. The only thing i ve come up with is to either
a) kiss her and ask her to tell me if she doesnt feel anything when i hold her
or b) straight up tell her that while i realise she cant do this right now, what i want is her, and im set on it

There has to be something better. Will i be applying more pressure on her instead if i just tell her she is the one for me or something? Is a straight up kiss too forward? mind you we were always sexually comfortable with this woman and i dont think she would mind that, at most tell me "this is wrong".

What do i do guys and especially , girls. Help

>>18176949
initially i suggested she take time and see how she feels about us later.

afterwards i was the one to suggest a clean breakup, which is what she also thought best.

Sad part is, i also know that until june when her exams are over a retry would most likely tank. I have no problem waiting for her, but i cant show her that. She wont come back if i become a backup for her. I want her to make a choice without delivering the final finishing blow of pressure to her.

Im betting a lot on the fact that 1 day after we meet up she is going to her hometown for easter, where her old friends and family are, and she will have time to think about stuff

Also to note, there is almost 0 chance that another guy is in the picture. I didnt even bring it up when she told me she is not in love anymore, which she appreciated very much. She was actually surprised i "knew her so well". So even in the event there was someone i d rather not dwell on that, if it happened eventually i ll learn of it

>>18176951

Clean break and focus on moving on.

If somebody tells you they're "not sure they're in love with you", it's pretty safe to assume they're not - they're just trying to come to terms with that and what it means. From what you've said, it seems as though she was trying to get you to make the move and once you did, she seemed to be grateful for that.

By choosing either of those options, you're putting her under immense pressure to try again with you. She has made it clear that she doesn't feel this is right for her and she thought you were right to end the relationship. What you're trying to do is emotionally blackmail her into trying again which will only cause her more anxiety and stress.

Even if she does agree due to pressure, the issues you've stated will not have disappeared and will probably intensify. She will feel more resentment towards you because you didn't respect her wishes and give her time to come to terms with it.

Leave it. Move on. See what happens in the future perhaps, but accept that right now this is not a functioning relationship and by sticking around, you're causing both of you more harm.

>>18176968
Thanks for the advice.

It is actually what i wanted to do initially, and what i intend to do if nothing comes out of our meeting (its happening no matter what). But having been with her i can just not dismiss the chance she just felt so overwhelmed by everything, she cut the only thing she could. And she might need help in the non-boyfriend manner, which i would like to provide if only it didnt hurt so much for me

I also want to find any route that will not pressure her. In the end , all this nightmare of classes and work and lessons ends in 3 months. I would have no problem waiting and leaving her alone, if only i wasnt so afraid that she will move on without me.

Yes, its unhealthy, yes, its the opposite of confidence, but i feel it would be a huge waste to seal a relationship for a 1 month stress period and a 2 month exam period... i guess if i was confident enough ( or if she felt stronger towards me) she would come back on her own when she could..but i want to do all i can and go all the way with this, even if i never get what i want

>>18176993

So what you're saying is...you want to be support her and respect her wishes, but you're not willing to do this in case she moves on.

If she is able to move on, she must have been right to doubt her feelings for you in the first place. When you end a long relationship, you spend a period greiving, and even the hardest people take a while to recover. If she truly loves you then I can guarantee that she won't find another serious partner in three months time.

You sound like you're only focused on getting her back. I'm not going to lie...if you try to manipulate her as you're suggesting, it will probably work and she will more than likely agree to a relationship again to placate you.

However, I am sure that this will not last and the break up when it does happen, will be more damaging and will not leave room for future reconciliation.

So it's either back off and leave her to think about things with a chance of fixing things in the future, or hound her until she resents you and say goodbye forever.

>>18176948
That's not what a rebound is.

>>18177013
It is certainly something to think about.. thanks for your comment. I gotta admit the picture i have in my mind is saying what i want .. but i suppose she will also have things to say and i cant really play this out in my mind.

Do you think there is a good way to show to her that i am available for her in the future when she is better, that i wont really start chasing other girls ( something she half-jokingly asked me to do when we broke up). Is there a way to do that without pressure and neediness present? I would be really interested in your opinion

>>18177029
to clarify she said "please dont start chasing other girls right away" in a half joking manner. Memory is a bit hazy but i replied along the lines of "my feelings dont have an off switch and i dont think i ll be in the mood for that anytime soon"

>>18177029

Not really. The more you make yourself available to her, the more she will stop seeing you as boyfriend material and more as a friend. By offering her the support and being there for her all the time, you will lose any appeal you might hold at the moment.

You need to accept that the best thing you can do is just separate from this situation and focus on your own life and well-being. Hanging around and waiting for her will achieve nothing other than constant anxiety.

If she truly loves you, she will find that being away from you is too difficult and she will come back. If you're constantly around her, she won't experience what it is like to be without you. I hope that makes sense.

>>18177058
yea... i already know not to be too close, i will probably meet her once now, and she moves out in july to return to her hometown for good ( something we were planning on doing together)

I guess it hurts to realise its the last time i will meet her and that im powerless to do much of anything..most of my panic stems from that. In july she will go far away from me. And normally i would follow and work there, but now.. its a big nothing

Thank you. I cant say i will follow your advice..but i ll take it seriously. There is still about a week before we meet, and i have a lot of stuff to think about. Not to mention, she has her own side which i will need to hear as well

Dude, I've been in your shoes, and - first of all, the other anon is pretty much right - focusing on how to manipulate her into continueing will work, but only short term.
What you initially wrote about showing her value and that you 'should be confident and happy, show her im in a good place after thinking things through' makes me think you've already read up on certain ways to go about 'getting her back'. These tricks DO work, but your mind is set on changing something in the way she sees you, when the real issue here is that you should set course for becoming a better YOU, and change what ever isn't going to work long term.

If you got the eyes to see, please consider the following: She was miserable, and being with you didn't make her happy. I know it's hard to hear at first, but it's a gift to actually acknowledging. Forget about how she sees you, how she feels about you jumping on the rebound carousel for a bit, and neglect to give her any signs that you are doing well without her - at least until you can actually confirm the latter when in deep and honest review of your own emotions. And then, and only then, should you make the effort to search your feelings for any signs that this person is someone you actually want to spend much time with in a romantic and sexual manner.

Impatience will ruin any chance of long term happiness. For this to be important, it must stand the test of time and forgiveness.

Protip: Expect her to fuck other guys. It should never come as a surprise.

>>18177098
Thanks, and i expect it indeed.. rebounds are a thing and she is a pretty woman, she will get attention and eventually she will respond. She has urges after all, regardless if now she has disconnected from them.

>>18177114
Just focus on your own game and hustle, man

You'll be alright.