Throwing away my virginity?

You actually sound like aomeone who really values her first time and or intercourse at itself. Like many girls and women do. Nothing wrong with wanting to build a relationship before diving into having sex and sealing the deal emotionally as well.

BUT, in our society it's very uncommon for men to behave that way. In fact, as a woman, I'm trying to picture myself in a potential love interest's shoes. Us women are so used to being desired physically (in most cases faster and more often than mentally), I'd start thinking if you're either a sexual person or if you're attracted to me. I wonder how you come across to women; do you let them notice, vocably and with your body language, you desire them physically? This is a big deal in relationships, especially to women as they especially like being validated for their appearance. I wonder whether women really lose interest in you when you feel you're still building up your relationship, or if they grow bored by the lack of a physical click and the lack of sexual validation from you.

What can you do you ask? The first hunch that comes to mind, is to speed things up a little. One, max two months of dating before bedding a girl is the longest I suspect you can stretch building up an emotional relationship for a man your age before a woman wants to test your sexual compatibility as well. How you do it is more up to you; maybe you need to put more trust in a girl, maybe you should have a more laid-back attitude, maybe you should lower your standards a but, maybe you should have a bit more confidence. And then just go for it.

I wouldn't just "waste" it on an escort though; for some guys it's great to pop their cherries so they get more confidence not being a virgin anymore; for you it sounds like a very deliberate choice.

>>18162482
Well the thing is that I knew this girl for 2+ years and we were quite different in terms of socialization. She really enjoys drinking, hitting up bars, dressing to show off her looks and smoked. I enjoy staying in, going for walks/hiking and thinking about things before committing. She knew what I was like and I knew what she was like too. But it just kind of happened and we got very close, but the very first night she got drunk and was adamant that I sleep with her. It was a huge turnoff(for me) and I asked at that point to a) Give our mutual "friend" that she'd broken up with, time to heal and B) That it was a big deal for me and wanted to get to know her better first. We hung out a lot, I complimented her, teased her and we talked about sex maturely. It got to the point even where I would flirt heavy and tell her about these things I wanted to do to her and so on. But in the end when I confronted her about this, she said "I'm sorry I hurt you. But I didn't know how you felt about me." And we of course then had a huge fight about it and I apologized after, told her to enjoy her new man and we haven't spoken since. It's just all so stupid to me and I feel like maybe if I'd had sex with her, she wouldn't have gone to this new guy. The fact that she threw away our friendship and our budding relationship without even talking to me about it is what left me spinning.

don't do it anon, you've waited this long. when you find the right girl she'll love being the first. trust me normal people like you are hard to come by and like a golden nugget for classy girls

>>18162386
>28
>still no gf

Dont be stupid anon. You put too much value into sex. Also having sex just for the sake of it is stupid as well.

So work on your dating game. Try to date as many girls as you can to have good chance to pick a qtie who shares some values with you. And if it comes down to sex, dont be "easy lay". It is not written anywhere that guys cant do the same as girls in denying sex for the sake of testing potentional partner.

Good luck!

>>18162629
So am I not failing at women, or have I just not found the right ones?

Girls will not bond with you until after sex.

>>18162770
You live in a world where majority view sex as an enjoyable thing.

You on the other hand view it as a thing you do AFTER YOU ARE SURE SHE IS THE ONE. And honestly it is almost same as sex after marriage. A bit unrealistic scenario. You need to make some realistic compromise. You can nwver be sure she is the perfect one. You can obly hope to.

How many girls have you dated yet and from where did you get into contact with them?

Now go and try more girls from different sources. And no, i dont have magic crystal ball to answer your question. I just want you to not lose hope.

What I have to say is probably quite different from what everybody else has to say, but, honestly, I just want to congratulate you.

There's nothing more impressive than a man who sets his mind on what he wants for himself and dedicates himself to it as you have done. You are your own man; my advice would be for you to stay this way.

You don't need to compromise yourself, your goals, or your values because the world around you deems them unrealistic. Keep looking for the one. There's a girl out there who will do more than just humor your values--she'll actually attracted to them.

>>18162789
That's what I've heard as being the "common logic" when it comes to women. That having sex with them makes them want to stay with you. But the thing is, that can't possibly be true because a lot of relationships end poorly and very few amicably. So what's the point exactly if most relationships fail to just go all in? I get that it's probably really fun and enjoyable, but there's no "security" there. Which is what I'm looking for. I'm not afraid of rejection, been there a million times. But I am afraid of wasting my time on someone who just wants a fling or something casual. But people play games and some people will want you, but not long term and still say whatever it is that you want to hear in order to get you.

>>18162856
I'm not saying that I view the girls as "the one". Not really sure I believe in that concept. But I do want a girl that values relationships as being more than "having fun", and would want to build something together. Even if we break up, we can remain friends and still helpful to one another. I don't like the whole "Sleep with someone I barely know" and *then* get to know them. Part of it is honestly because I take care of myself and want someone who value themselves to the point whereby they are picky about whom they give themselves to as well. Who knows where that girl or guy has been that day or if they're seeing someone else, etc. I just can't find a girl sexually stimulating until I feel that I can trust her.

>>18163110
Thank you for that anon. I recently went for a coffee date with a different girl and we talked about this amongst other things, and she seemed to be on the same page as well. But it'll take time obviously to see if she really means that. You know? I'm very patient when it comes to relationships. A lot of people in my life have been told "I love you", including myself. Only to be dumped days or months later unceremoniously for someone else. I value trust more than anything else.

>>18162544
This is so true. My boyfriend was my first and he sort of made me wait to make sure I was sure I wanted to give my virginity and that was such a turn on for me. That right girl will like it. You seem like a really nice person and have good values which is very rare and you should be proud of that. Also when you're in a relationship make sure you still compliment her and flirt...probably let her know you view sex as as deep bond and you want to take it slow.

I don't think it's your problem. That girl seemed to have different lifestyle than you. Neither lifestyle is incorrect. I think it is harder to find people willing to wait as you get older, but that just means you need a certain kind of person. Hopefully the next one is more understanding when you talk to them about it. I don't think you should go to an escort right now, when the breakup is fresh on your mind.

>>18163925
I dunno, I did that but didn't go overboard with it and you know, in the end she found another guy. And when I asked about it, I was told by her friends that he's "funny and cute"'. So I mean me being "nice" doesn't really seem to matter in that regard. That's why I was really struggling today and considering an escort service. Because it seems that being a decent guy doesn't seem to matter to a lot of women. I've often met them through work our friends and I dunno, I'm always think they wanted me for me. But it never works out. I've often looked over them and tried to see what I could learn or what I did wrong to improve. But it really bums me out sometimes. I did my best and she chose a guy she knew for two weeks over me.

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>>18162386

You gotta step it up, son. You're nearly 30 years old. This "hold hands and wait for the perfect moment" bullshit might of been cute and endearing 15 years ago but now you're dealing with fully grown women who don't have the time or energy to play middle-school crush with you.

At some point you're going to have to step back and ask yourself if the "perfect girl" hasn't come around in the "perfect situation" not because you're a super principled knight of purity and principle but because you've been waiting for so long you let the chance slip by you and didn't even realize it.

I appreciate the sentiment of what you're trying to do but I think you're putting an inherent value on your virginity that may be hindering you. You have this idea that it'll be a terrible tragedy if you "give" your virginity to someone and it turns out the relationship doesn't work out and thats kind of ridiculous. Failing at relationship is how we learn. You can't close yourself off to people and relationships waiting for the "perfect moment" you have to MAKE the "perfect moment" because sooner or later you might wake up, be 40 years old and realize you're alone and depressed because you wouldn't take a chance at failure.

Don't abandon your principles. Strive for a decent relationship with a great girl but pull the fucking trigger already dude. You're way too old to be letting relationships slip through your fingers because of this fear that you won't lose your virginity to the "right person". You'll never if they're the right person if you don't take a chance and try.

>>18164509
That's a good way of looking at it. But the thing is that we had talked about sex in January, flirted heavy and for all intents and purposes, I'd said and done things that I hadn't with any other women before. I was going to go through with it. Being blindsided by it is what threw me off. I feel like the right girl wouldn't had done that to me and would have at least told me that she found someone else. Nothing I did in that entire situation would have changed her behavior. I cooked valentines dinner, she ate it, thanked me for it and then told me that she was seeing someone else and that she had to see it through with him. She knew the kind of person that I was from two years ago, she could have decided to not roll with me or not ages ago. But she said she did, and that from the first time she saw me, that she knew I was the guy for her. Her actions in February made me question all kinds of things. Having sex with a girl doesn't mean she'll stay or that her words would mean anything. And that's why I'm very cautious with intimacy, not because I'm scared of sex or think it's super special. But because I want to share it with someone that actually cares about me too. What's the point in sleeping with a random girl if I don't trust her? I'd never be able to fully enjoy myself, or be really passionate about it. I need that bond with someone before I think of them sexually. And she at first tried to get me to sleep with her and said "sex is just sex and I'm a serial dater" then in December said "yeah I can't have sex without a bond either". But I was always worried because I knew she did causal hookups and slept very fast with people. In the end my worries came to be right. It's really frustrating at times. She found a new guy and within a drunken night had already bonded and slept with him? Like be honest with me, don't try and manipulate me into giving you something that you know is important to me.

>>18164509
OP is just a turboautist who values her because he had the upper hand, until she folded. If you're 28 and in good shape and can't perform the basic act which we are designed for, you might as well stop looking now. Hollywood lies

>>18164786
Well that's what her friend said, that I couldn't complain because it'd just "look like jealousy". But that's the thing, I did a lot for this girl and spent a lot of time with her. So yes, I am jealous that she's with someone else now and I wonder if I did take her for granted in some sense that "she said she loves me, so she'll remain with me even if I'm not perfect". But all I said was that I wasn't happy due to family issues and was trying to deal with those things. She told me her first time was shit and that she's been a serial dater ever since. I said, okay, lets make *our* first time together nice then. And then she said "I wouldn't have done it if I knew how you felt about me". Yikes.