Writing

You seem to want your readers to find your prose beautiful or even somewhat poetic. In order to achieve this, you don't want to overcrowd everything. You start out with a pretty romantic image (crackling fire, wind and the breathing of a loved one). It's much better to follow that up with her having fallen asleep around dusk than the whole sun falling out of the sky thing.

Think of a good painting. It's interesting to look at overall, but it's made up in a way that naturally diverts your attention towards a (usually) single focus. If the artist wanted you to look at everything at once, the whole would be much less powerful because nothing stands out anymore. Sticking to more neutral prose (which does NOT mean you have to make really short sentences and not use adverbs, you can be a genius writer and not resemble Hemingway) leaves you more power to dazzle the reader when you do want to.

Also, the repitition of crackling fire is annoying.

Is it supposed to be finished?

Post it not sideways

>>18141440
It's sideways.

>>18141440
It sounds a little gay at times. Read more Hemmingway.

>>18141440
You have to be 18 to post here

>>18141511
Where?

>>18141440
Holy shit the grammar is terrible, and I only read half of it. High schools really are worthless

>>18141763
Where is the grammar wrong?

>>18141785
First off, ghostly quiet makes no sense since ghostly implies it's either opaque or haunted. Second, it doesn't need a hyphen. It's "lie" not "laid" ffs. The whole "when the sun first fell" bs is redundant and not neccesary since everyone knows the fucking sun goes down at night. You can word it differently to make it more flavorful. You would put a semicolon not a comma after that too. Danced is not the verb you'd use there, it again makes no sense. "Thought them real" is also not grammatically correct since it has no preposition. The rest is also redundant and sounds like something a 10th grader would right. I hope to god you're a 10th grader