I don't like sex anymore

This is not really surprising. Throughout your life sex has been something that was done to you, that you were badgered into doing, that did not live up to what you actually wanted to get out of it.
I can take the most high testosterone man in the world and carve up his skin every time he has sex, you bet he won't like it anymore. Psychology is a very powerful thing. Just like you might not enjoy a specific food anymore if you spent a hellish night throwing it up during food poisoning.

Essentially, you have to rewire yourself. Find out what YOU like sexually. Bracket your husband. Tell him that you love him and you want to be a better sex partner for him, but in order to do that you have to get more in touch with yourself. That will probably include not having sex with him for at least a few weeks. Shitty but you can't expect to make quick improvement if all the actual sex you are having during is still unpleasant, obviously that makes a bigger impact than for example discovering a pleasant fantasy.

Either way, this is a work in progress. You have to find out your sexual identity, what gets you off. Thinking of yourself as a sexy female hunter? Or being submissive and innocent and having sex imposed on you? Just two examples obviously. Find a sexual outlook that makes you feel attractive and confident. Are you aware of any fantasies, fetishes? Try to think if you can find any hint for what you might enjoy. If you find thinking about men unpleasant, think of a girl playing with you or you with her. All is fair.
What you want to do is find stuff you do enjoy and elaborate on that. Learn what the patterns are to what you enjoy and how to expand that territory.

Post too long..

>>18140611
I'm not trying to make assumptions about your husband as a lover, but from what I hear and read a lot of M/F sex lives are centered around what works for the man, particularly (too) little foreplay. A quick and dirty fuck that's initiated by pulling your skirt up can be really hot, but so can leasurely sharing a Sunday morning in bed, not necessarily trying to climax or achieve anything but just exploring each other's bodies and enjoying the closeness and sexual vibe. I think putting the focus more on stuff beyond penetration (that sex is usually centered around) will give you new impressions and make you more in touch with what's ultimately good about sex - the closeness, enjoying not just your attraction and your sexuality but also the dynamic and bond you have.

Keep your husband in the loop with everything you do. Try to discuss fantasies with him, how you view sex, what you want out of it. Even if stuff is incompatible you can often reach compromise. Say you like more tender lovemaking and he likes rough sex. You can obviously have both, but you can spice up lovemaking for him by doing all his favorite (physical) things during, and he can make rough sex more comfortable with you through "aftercare" (look it up, it's essentially a lot of cuddling and nuzzling to get back into the real world and being loved ones after treating someone violently or degrading them in bed).

But the first step is starting out your exploration in terms of what you like. You probably resent spending all this energy and time into the subject matter, but from your OP the recurring theme is that you were made relatively powerless, what you wanted wasn't on the menu, whether or not you even wanted to was of less importance. You cannot overcome resentment for feeling like sex is pushed on you except by taking it back and owning whatever inclinations you do have.

>>18140618
If you are someone who is not apt at introspection or simply does not have the time and energy to keep up with this on a regular basis, you could consider (individual, this is obviously your issue tied in with your personal history) therapy so someone else gives you another perspective and can help you locate and tackle/question thought patterns that make you think negatively of sex.

And for the present, try to point your finger on what exactly you dislike most during sex right now. If it's literally the physical acts, there's no way around it. But if you feel disengaged to your husband during, for example, you can come up with a "safe word" where he connects with you again during (with eye contact, a tender kiss, whatever) for example. If he's a good man he will also hate the idea of having sex with you that you find dreadful, and will be happy to try to meet your compromise.

Best of luck, will lurk a bit if you have additional questions.

>>18140611
Thank you so so much. I can't even tell you how greatly appreciated your is and how much I took from it. Making breakfast right now but i will respond more soon. Thank you, anon

>>18140594
>I want to learn to enjoy sex, but every time we do it I can't help feeling like I just want it to be over and I sort of die on the inside.
Maybe it's because you attached negative associations with sex from your tarnished earlier years. See it as an extension of your love. Fall in love with doing things that makes your lover feel good. Look at him while you're doing it, if you do love him, then his reactions should help you find ways to make him (and yourself) feel better. Rote learning will overwrite any pre-existing thoughts.