An apology years later

>>18128361

>Bad idea?

Yes.

>Completely autistic?

Absolutely. Leave this girl alone. Its been years. She doesn't give a shit about you or your apology.

>>18128373
I really couldn't care less whether she cares. You do wrong, you apologize. That's what decent people do. It's bothering my conscience that I haven't been man enough to do it years ago and that I was such a tool at one point in my life and I want to clear that.
I don't want or need absolution by her. I want to do it because I feel it's the right thing to do, no matter her reaction. Fact is, if it was any other person I'd do it right away. But I've fucked it up once with her like I've fucked it up with nobody else and that's making me doubt it like nobody else would make me doubt.

>>18128403
Don't do it. It's not worth it.

Long story short, I ended my relationship with my ex based on a promise I made her at the beginning of the relationship as well as well as other reasons, like our passion for each other dying and physical intimacy becoming a non factor. I wanted to tell her and explain just the kind of shit you get to thinking about in the months after you get done with a long term relationship. I wanted to apologize for my immaturity, among other things, as well as telling her that in the end I was trying to keep the very promise I mentioned earlier.

People move on. You honestly have more likely than not been over thinking your impact on this woman. And trust me, I'm the same way about wanting to tell the person to get the thoughts out of your head... but it's best to just try to come to peace with what is in the past. It's hard, and it's not advice even I wanted to hear just a few days ago, but truthfully the best advice would be for yourself to move and use this experience to shape how you form relationships with women in the future.

Good luck anon

>>18128403
You are still inexperienced and insecure. That's the type of person who would want to do what you're trying to do.

>>18128669
>You honestly have more likely than not been over thinking your impact on this woman.
Absolutely not. As I said in Op I'm pretty sure that while she had an enormous impact on my life, I'm almost 100% sure that's not the case for her. Again, I don't want to do this because I want absolution or to make an impact on her. I want to do it, because that's what the person I want to be would do - apologizing for bad things done. E.g. I've also been thinking about apologizing to a guy I've bullied in school.

>truthfully the best advice would be for yourself to move and use this experience to shape how you form relationships with women in the future
I have moved on and the bad experience with her has helped me improve my 'skills' with women giganticly. I've been in a 2year relationship in the time since and I could have never managed to keep this one up for as long as I did or even get in my exes pants in the first place without the bad experience I made with that first girl. Infact I would probably still have not gotten my dick wet without her. That's what I meant in Op when saying "the bad experience with her helped me tremendously in curing my autism and personality development".
Yet, the fact that I was an asshole at one point in my life keeps bothering me and even though I've tried for years 'just forgetting about it' does not work. Other girls have not worked, thinging about it has not worked. It keeps creeping in the back of my head and haunting me in my dreams.

>>18128676
>You are still inexperienced
lol, no.

>and insecure
In relation to this particular girl, yes - as I've already said.

Femanon who's been on both ends of this, and the answer is no, the time to apologize has passed.

Any time a guy has started talking to me after years of radio silence, it has ended in another proposition. If I were this girl, I'd assume you were messaging me because you wanted something; obviously you did not think the apology would help the girl in any way or you'd have reached out sooner.

Similarly, I also decided to reach out to a guy who I'd been good friends with but flaked on after he fell for me and things started to get romantic. I fixated on this guy and decided to apologize a year and a half after I ghosted him because I felt so bad for how carelessly I treated him...and he was PISSED. He told me that I was only contacting him because /I/ felt guilty and was opening up old wounds just to make myself feel like a better person. And desu he was right. I wanted to either feel better about what I did or perhaps get back together with him, and it was shit to play with feelings like that.

Don't contact her to apologize.

>>18129905
>If I were this girl, I'd assume you were messaging me because you wanted something
That's the problem. I precisely do not want that to happen. I don't even want to 'start texting', though I'm a person that is always interested in what old acquaintances are up to, I simply want to put a quick apology - 1 or 2 sentences - out there. Nothing more. No 'so what are you doing ;))))' or crap like that.

>obviously you did not think the apology would help the girl in any way or you'd have reached out sooner
I've been thinking about it for years, but, as stated above, I haven't been man enough to do it. It's also taken me quite some time to even realize what a dick I was (years infact). Also this urge has become alot stronger just recently.

>I wanted to either feel better about what I did
That's the entire point of an apology. I fail to see what's wrong with this. You messing with him, trying to get back together, was wrong, but not the apology itself.

>>18129941
No, the point of an apology is not to make yourself feel better. The point of an apology is to assure the other party that you understand what you did was hurtful and will not make the mistake again. If you want to be the kind of person who apologizes, then make sure you're self-aware in future interactions with people. Don't use the excuse that you're just reaching out to an old acquaintance; your last substantial interactions were negative, so it will not make sense to her that you just randomly wanted to make amends for selfless reasons.

The thing is, I never tried to get back with the guy. In my mind, I thought if he accepted my apology that might be an option after reinstated conversation; he was never aware of my intention, only that he suspected I was trying to prove I was a better person by apologizing. My apology would have been useful when he still felt like shit over the way I treated him; after we stopped interacting and he got over it, the "apology" was 100% for me. And that is wrong.

You only want to apologize to feel better about yourself. You obviously don't care about this girl. So yes, terrible idea.

>>18129967
>understand what you did was hurtful and will not make the mistake again
In other words: You feel bad about what you've done and want to feel better about it. 'Entire point' was worded poorly, but without you feeling bad about something you did and therefore wanting to better that feeling, there's no apology. You will never feel the need to apologize when you feel good about it.

>If you want to be the kind of person who apologizes, then make sure you're self-aware in future interactions with people
I absolutely aim for this. But if this was all it needs after doing something bad, we'd never apologize at all. Stepped on someones foot? Don't apologize, just make sure you don't step on peoples feet in the future. Not how it works.

>Don't use the excuse that you're just reaching out to an old acquaintance
Definitely not. I just pointed out that I, in general, am a person that likes to know what old acquaintances are up to, but DESPITE me being interested in this - in her case aswell (maybe even especially) - I do not want to 'start texting', precisely for the reason you gave. It's sad that it is this way, but I am absolutely aware of this.

>In my mind, I thought if he accepted my apology that might be an option after reinstated conversation
See, you tried reaching out, I do not want to try that. I do not want to reinstate conversation, despite me finding this sad.

>>18130203
>>18129967
>My apology would have been useful when he still felt like shit over the way I treated him
I don't think an apology is only legitimate when it's 'useful'. An apology is always right and legitimate when it's sincere. A few days ago a girl walked straight into me on the sidewalk. I did not hurt at all, while her shoulder was obviously hurting. She still apologized, even though there was no 'use' for it. Because it was the right thing to do in this situation.
Lets just assume I had been hurting, she ran off without apologizing, I would meet her again in a couple of weeks and she would then apologize for her behaviour - it would still be the right thing to do and absolutely legitimate, even though my shoulder would have stopped hurting weeks ago and therefore this apology would be 'useless'. And I would absolutely appreciate this.

>>18129967
>>18130053
>the "apology" was 100% for me. And that is wrong.
>You only want to apologize to feel better about yourself. So yes, terrible idea.
Going to the gym is 100% to feel better about myself; I had a very long talk with my mother about something that bothered me 100% just to feel better about myself. Are/were these terrible ideas and wrong? No. Besides that, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel better about yourself, especially considering we do almost everything to make ourselves feel better. Unless it's at the expense of others, but I don't see some discomfort about a random contact as an expense.

>You obviously don't care about this girl.
I do. However, making an apology, in my eyes, is not dependand on what the person you're trying to apologize to is thinking about it or atleast not whether that person is thinking of it as 'useful'. It's discussable whether an apology should be made when it would obviously be detrimental. That's not the case here though.

>>18130226
>She still apologized
Sounds like an impulsive social apology to me. A stranger bumping into you on the street is not the same as apologizing for being mean to somebody long-term. Also, if we're doing shitty analogies, meeting her again on the street isn't an appropriate parallel...having this girl find your email and send you a message out of the blue months in the future is more fitting, and also immensely more odd.

There are definitely things in life worth 100% doing for yourself. An apology is not one of them. You think it is, so go ahead--apologize to the girl. I'd bet money she thinks you're hoping for something more and gets uncomfortable. But hey--who cares as long as you get to stroke your ego! Your definition of what an apology should be is way more selfish than most people's and I'm not sure why you'd ask for advice if you are only going to consider your own definition, but whatever.

>>18128361
What behavior exactly are you apologizing for? Sounds like everything pretty much played itself out. What are you going to tell her "sorry I wasn't more mature and refined in social interaction to act on our obvious mutual attraction" ?.....bro...everyone here is telling you not to do this. But it's your life and decision. I would request that you start your apologies with the kid you bullied in school. And then make sure you hit up everyone else you may have slightly wronged or offended from that point in time up to this girl. Sometimes the right thing to do is just moving on and learning from our mistakes and getting better. But if you are trying to get in her pants OP, just tell us, and we will help. The apology isn't going to work though OP, just letting you know that now.