How do i stop wanting to be dead?

>>18125847
Look at how afraid you are of judgment.

Live your life for yourself, no one else. No one creates their own identity in a vacuum. Everyone is the sum of their experiences.
Nihilism is beautiful. Nothing you do matters, so it doesn't matter what you do. If video games and masturbation are what you desire, pursue them wholly and disregard the world.

If nothing in life has left a positive impression, they are not positive impressions to begin with because you would remember them. Imagine what would be a positive experience for you and pursue it. You want to fuck your cousin? Probably don't go for it, but find dopplebanghers or women that look like her.

Don't be insecure. Nothing matters, so it doesn't matter what you do, good or bad.

>>18125859
I'd like to not be able to care, but I don't know how.

Endless video games and masturbation won't make me happy. Masturbation is a habit and I don't really play games as passionately as I did in my past. I don't think this would make anyone happy, if I'm honest. It's like telling a junkie to keep shooting up.

The problem with embracing nihilism is that I don't know anything I could enjoy if I didn't care.

>>18125847
What's the problem with emulating other people you admire? That's exactly how it works! Don't get entangled in a vicious desire for originality at all costs. That's some media-propelled bullshit.

Rather, try to build on something others have built. That's where you start.

Furthermore, if you got nothing to lose you can just set yourself some goals and see how you travel. And I am talking small goals... e.g. Try to explore what people do and why... Do some fucking research just for the sake of it. Keep yourself in motion.

...and don't try to run marathons before you even tested yourself against a 5 km march. If you try to run a marathon on the first day of training you will.end up exhausted the day after and not willing to continue training. The pro-tip here is that you have to aim for less and do less: setting smaller goals doesn't mean "lowering your standards" for fuck's sake. You are exhausted and want to kill yourself because you have been running marathons all your life long -- or maybe someone made you do that without you knowing.

Finally, take some fucking rest. And I mean: real rest. Breath and stare at the fucking ceiling for one hour or so... Try and dedicate a time frame in which you will not engage in anything -- technology in particular. I have also found relief by putting earplugs and blindfolding myself: reducing incoming data is a way to relax.

Good luck motherfucker!

P.S.: I failed my PhD.