First time poster on this board. Might as well give it a try.

The rest went really fast. I talked to her for about 3 hours straight, found out she ran her own company abroad for 4 years and now has a high-end headhunting job. Became even prettier than she used to be. Alcohol did the rest and we ended up kissing like 14 year old teens in love. We all slept at the same place but luckily I just fell asleep in the couch so things didn't run completely out of hand.

I of course feel bad for what happened, but I'm also at a complete loss now. I haven't felt like this for years and it's keeping my from work. What do you think I should do? Go have a drink with her this week and try to figure out whether its really worth risking my relationship for? Or should I somehow try to stay away as far as possible and ignore the problem as long as possible?

>>18124028
It sounds like you are looking for the closest path to run away either way so who really cares here?

>>18124037
I might have misworded then. I have never had any intention to leave my girlfriend as aside from her problems and the lack of sex we do really enjoy spending time together.

It's just that due to the lack of intimacy, it starts to feel like she's less of a lover and more of a "partner/best friend", hard to pinpoint it.

I'm just wondering what the safest bet would be for my relationship. If i just ignore this problem I doubt it is going to go away on its own.

>>18124051
>girlfriend

>it starts to feel like she's less of a lover and more of a "partner/best friend"

If you want a lover in your life, you need to find someone new. If you just want a friend, that's what you two should be

>>18124027
>However, sex-wise, it's been near zero for years now.
>zero
>for years
Jesus Christ, why do you autists always stay with people like this one for fucking years?

>>18124051
>I'm just wondering what the safest bet would be for my relationship.
There is none. You're not having a relationship. You have been living with a random girl-friend for years. And instead of moving on and appreciating your friends effort to find you an actual lover, you go on and cry about about 'saving' a relationship that's been dead for years (without you having done anything about it).
I really don't get the mental gymnastics you people are capable of doing, just because you're that lazy and afraid of leaving your comfort zone and changing the status quo. Completely mind boggling how someone would waste YEARS in a dead relationship because of this. I feel sorry for you Op.

>>18124091
>>18124079

Because you're not just together with someone for sex and you don't leave the minute something is wrong?

The reason I don't leave is because i genuinely enjoy being with her and other than the fact that she'd be devastated I'm sure that I'd miss her a tremendous amount too.

It's far from autistic to try and hang on to a relationship in which you've invested so much. But I do really appreciate your opinions. I just have a different feeling.

I've never had strong feelings for anyone else in all these years even though opportunities were plenty. This girl really just is unique and that's what makes it so difficult.

>>18124119
>Because you're not just together with someone for sex
That's not the point. Sex is an essential part of any romantic relationship and denying this is just you trying to excuse yourself.

>you don't leave the minute something is wrong
"the minute" something is wrong? Something is terribly wrong FOR YEARS and it has improved not one bit. You leave because it's been a dead end forever.

>The reason I don't leave is because i genuinely enjoy being with her and other than the fact that she'd be devastated I'm sure that I'd miss her a tremendous amount too.
So, as I said, you are used to her and too much of a coward to leave that comfort. Usually staying friends with an ex isn't recommendable, but you two have been friends for years - what would even change?

>It's far from autistic to try and hang on to a relationship in which you've invested so much.
It's utterly autistic to try and hang on to something dead, just because you've invested in the past. That's past, it doesn't matter anymore. Sunk cost if you will. Again, you are just too used to her being there for you and not man enough to break out of it, because it scares you.

>I've never had strong feelings for anyone else in all these years
Ofc you haven't, because you've had nothing with them. Strong feelings develop over time, you never gave anyone different the chance to create strong feelings in you.

>This girl really just is unique and that's what makes it so difficult.
Ofc she's unique. You've spend years with this girl. Every person you spend years with is special. That doesn't mean someone different can't become special to you after her.

Please stop the excuses and get your ass out of there. Maybe even get your hormone levels checked. There's no way you can love someone, sleep next to them for years and not having your balls explode from the absurd amount of horniness. I literally can't comprehend how you can '''love''' someone and not want to be physically close with them as much as possible.

>>18124027

You're not a bad person, people are selfish and at the end of the day you need to do what is going to make you happy. Your girlfriend as you say is a best friend and partner but not much else, you will lose her if you pursue someone else but thats expected, you likely won't salvage any kind of friendship with her either. So you need to lay it all out and decide what is more important to you, you will no doubt miss your girlfriend if you do decide to leave her, so really think about it hard before you do as running back to her later if things don't work out for you WILL make you a bad person.

Do right by yourself and do right by her.

>>18124139
>That's not the point. Sex is an essential part of any romantic relationship and denying this is just you trying to excuse yourself.

I'm not denying it. I'm just saying that there are several reasons for it (which I from my side can't change). Partly caused by the burnout but also partly caused by the anticonception she uses. She however can't use any other since she's got a lot of hormonal problems. I hoped we'd find a solution to it over time but it just doesn't seem to progress very fast. She's seeing a doctor here and there now and then but nothing solid ever comes out of it.

>"the minute" something is wrong? Something is terribly wrong FOR YEARS and it has improved not one bit. You leave because it's been a dead end forever.

Which is why I'm now on this board. I suppose it's not much but at least it's a first step to recognise that something is seriously wrong.

>Again, you are just too used to her being there for you and not man enough to break out of it, because it scares you

The entire issue is that she's not there for me. I'm not a person who needs someone to be there to emotionally support me or whatever. I really enjoy myself with her and there's many forms of affection aside from sex. I travel a lot for work and we both have long hours (both building our own firm) so we're really not the clingy couple that has to spend all their time together.

> Strong feelings develop over time, you never gave anyone different the chance to create strong feelings in you

I had literally never spoken to this new girl before last Saturday aside from ordering drinks in the bar she worked at between 2010-2012. It all built up during those hours we talked there and since then we've talked daily and I can't get her out of my mind.


>Please stop the excuses and get your ass out of there. Maybe even get your hormone levels checked

I recognise that its a big issue and the only reason I'm not raping random women in the street is regular masturbation.

>>18124139
To continue:

Of course you can love someone and not want to be physically close with them as much as possible. There are friends I love, and my parents and family.

She's just up on a higher level. I suppose the entire need for sex (even though when it happens, lets say once every 4 months, it's actually really good) just diminishes and humans often "get used" to situations.

It's obviously not a good thing, but I don't think it's easy to comprehend the way I feel about her. I'd never want to see her in pain and I'd probably do anything to make her happy (which is kind of what i've been doing either way for all this time).

Choosing for your own happiness over someone else's is an easy thing to do but I don't know whether it's always the right thing to do.

Other than that of course there is no guarantee that it will all be better with the new girl. But that's not really what I'm afraid for.

>>18124165
Yeah I don't want to end up being that person, which is why I'm so seriously considering to just try and ignore these feelings.

It just sucks that I can barely function at all right now. I'm really back to being 14 years old thinking about someone all day. Doesn't mean it won't just pass after a while if I try to subdue the feeling.

>>18124027
>>18124027
You're making a huge mistake and you will regret it the rest of your life.

Your relationship has been great for 5 years. You're about to throw this all away for a rew lustful nights. Shes not going to keep you. Why would she? You arent special. A women like that will have the cream of the frop to fhoose from. Its no wonder shes single currently.

Your only complaint is sex not happening enough. Yeah, that happensafter 5 years. Welcome to the grind. I've been in my current relationship for 14 years. Still in my 20s mind you. Sex isnt happening everyday after a few years.

If you're bored with your relationship than fine. Tell your partner this and separate. Dont cheat however. And realize that you're throwing away someone you care and love for simply because you're are bored.

It is not normal to stop being romantically involved in your partner. You shouldn't stay in a relationship with someone after YEARS that you're basically just friends. You're wasting your time, and your chance to be happy.
You're staying in a relationship because it is comforting and it doesn't suck too much instead of pursuing something that makes you feel a whole as a human being.
I get how much you can love someone who has been your partner for a large portion of your life, and I get how devastating it is to think to lose your best friend and someone who means lots to you.
But, as harsh as it might be, she's not the right person for you. Because with the right person that intimacy, that desire for each other just comes naturally.
I did the same as you when I was younger and I regret every single day I stayed with him because, as much as I thought he was an amazing dude and I loved him as a person, I wasn't in love with him at all. We didn't share that unique, amazing, exciting bond you share with a lover. It was comfortable, it was nice, it was easy but it wasn't right.

I've been with my husband for many years, now.
We've been through various physical and mental health issues on both sides, family members killing themselves, family members dying either suddenly or after a long struggle, unemployment, and a burn out. And we still act like a couple, we acted like a couple through it all. We kiss, we cuddle, and most days we fuck. We acted like a couple literally all the time.

You'll miss the shit out of your current girlfriend. It will hurt you and it will hurt her. But being unhappy for the sake of being comfortable might be the easiest choice but never the right one.

>>18124169
>It's far from autistic to try and hang on to a relationship in which you've invested so much.
whats the point of anitconception stuff if she is not having sex..... afayk

>>18124183
>Why would she? You arent special. A women like that will have the cream of the frop to fhoose from. Its no wonder shes single currently

Because so am I. I've started my own firm at 21 while still in university, I work 60-80 hours a week. I have both the materialistic things which some people care about (I drive a brand new Jaguar and live in a 250m2 loft) and I'm educated and interested in everything going from science to art.

I have worked my entire adult life making the best person out of myself and I guess I'm proud of that. Other than that I've had a very lucky draw in the gene pool. Never sick, don't have to do much to look good etc. I'm 28 now so i assume we're about the same age you and me. So I really don't think I don't stand a chance at top-tier girls.

I'm here for advice so I though I'd just be honest about all the above. It'll for sure come over as braggy as shit but that's just how the situation is. I'm not the kind of guy that lets that "status" go to his head though. I still hang out with friends I've known since they were in kindergarten with me and some of them are unemployed, work at bars or drive trains for a living.

All my female friends describe me as the perfect guy.

Now to the rest of your post: perhaps I am making a huge mistake. There's a reason for me to come here and ask random strangers about advice simply because I'm in need of anything that can help me.

Also it's not about not having sex every day. It's about not having sex every month even.
I'm not bored either. I'm just having an extremely hard time weighing the pros and cons here. I don't intend to cheat on her.

>>18124194
Its a Catch-22 since when she's off the anticonception her sex-drive is much higher.

>>18124192
But don't people often make that choice and get the feeling they're "whole" by pursuing other things like careers / hobbies and other projects or interests?

Also we did share that "unique amazing exciting bond" up until she had her first burnout around 3 years ago. Everything was amazing before that and we probably had sex multiple times on a random day. We shared so much and it has been one hell of a trip together. That's why it's so hard for me to let go now. The old her has to be somewhere inside there.

You already cheated on her so be a decent human being and break up.

>>18124192
P.S. I'm not comfortable at all and I haven't been for a long time now. I just don't (or didn't) consider that fact as a breaking point as I have always cherished hope things would get back to how they used to be.

I'm dedicated to whatever I do and I want things to succeed so I always have the feeling I just have to invest more time and effort when things go bad. However, it really doesn't seem to change all that much right now. It's kind of out of my hands. She just needs to pick herself up.

>>18124204
>Its a Catch-22 since when she's off the anticonception her sex-drive is much higher.
man tell her this, and just where a condom, also try taking her out on a spontaneous date, do something nice for her etc, if she is still not changing then fuck man thats looking like a time to end it

>>18124210
I honestly think you don't just break up a 5 year relationship when you slip and kiss someone and you feel bad after it.

Sure, I'll tell her about it at some point, when I've kind of got my thoughts cleared out, but just breaking up without a talk or anything sounds crazy to me.

>>18124199
>There's a reason for me to come here and ask random strangers

/adv/ is full of manchilds and whores that flee any responsabilities in their life.
How, in your right mind, did you think you'd find sound advice here? you're a fucking idiot.

>>18124215
I've taken her on fantastic trips around the world even though it's almost impossible to fit that into my work schedule.

I try to surprise her regularly (but not like overdoing it) and she really does not like sex with condoms. I'm not a woman so I can't really compare the feeling but it's just a lot less enjoyable for her.

It's not something she's making up now as an excuse as she's told me that once we were a stable couple 4 years ago or so when we were still having sex often.

>>18124222
Well you're here so maybe you could chip in and give me your opinion instead of calling everyone manchildren?

I'm also talking to friends and other people about this but for obvious reasons I can't just go around asking everyone around me for advice in this as they know 1 or 2 of the girls involved.

>>18124204
>But don't people often make that choice and get the feeling they're "whole" by pursuing other things like careers / hobbies and other projects or interests?
No, they don't. They feel like they're missing out for the rest of their life but they stay because it's more practical, convenient and comforting.
Which is stupid because at some point of your life you meet someone who is really meant for you and you'd be happy with, and you can't do shit about it.

Life changes you. You might love the person you got with 5 years ago but truth is she's not that person anymore. She hasn't been for 3 years. She doesn't want to fuck you multiple times a day, she doesn't want to share things with you, she doesn't want to love you.
You're dating a person you don't really fucking like because one time she was amazing.
You're affectionate to the memory you have of her but you're unhappy.

Sometimes as we grow up things that used to be great for us aren't great anymore. Apparently this relationship is one of those.

>>18124192
Bullshit.

Having a romance dropoff in long term relationships is very normal. OP, dont listen to this retarded whore who admits to having a mental illness in her post.

5 years is a long time. There is nothing wrong with not fucking your partner every night especially considering you both work long hours.

Taking this dumb skanks advice will lead you to hell. This stupid whore right here is a dumb feminist who believes her happiness comes first. Well fuck you cunt. I hope your boyfriend kills himself and takes you with him.

Op, if you love your partner like you say you do then heres the deal. You sacrifice for the ones you love. We can all be selfish and do more for ourselves, but where does that truly get us in the end? There is more to life than being a slave to your desires. There is more to life than being a selfish prick who will hurt the ones you love for personal gain.

IF you love her like you say you do, then learn to sacrifice. Thats what relationships are all about. Whatever chances you had to cheat, shes likely had 10X more. After 5 years its pretty clear shes not interested in being a selfish little cunt whore like the anon im replying to. She obviously loves you. Loves being with you.

One last thing op. if shes emotionally withdrawn, thats a different story. Now often do you have sex. Once a week? Once a month? How is your emotional connection with her? How do you two spend your tike together?

>>18124225
well shit, sounds like you have been doing your part the whole time. have you spoken to her about this?
>i love you and (something about being intimate and close to eachother) but i feel like you have literaly been rejecting me for years and it makes me feel like you dont love me..
say something like this if her response is shitty and wont talk about it then leave, bc she is either cheating or not wanting to be happy and not showing any care about you her long term partner

>>18124233
>>18124230
I truely appreciate both of you taking the time to provide me with advice but let's try not to derail this into a flamefest because you both have a completely different opinion.

I'm really trying to weigh both sides here. I've got a short meeting coming up but I'll be back soon.

>>18124233
No, having a complete romance drop off is not normal.
It is fucking depressing that you think that stop loving a person you're dating is okay because "oh that's just what happens after a few years, duh".

And while it is not necessary to fuck every night, it is necessary to share a bond, be intimate, be close to each other, love each other and sometimes even fuck.
If you read OP posts, they don't do this.

Also, fuck you.

>>18124227
Honest to god I'm here by mistake because I misclicked and didn't realize where I was.

Personally, I think a relatioship past the first wave of the honeymoon is 80% dedication, 10% attraction and 10% benefits.
Now it's clear that something is not working right in your relationship, lack of romanticism, adventure, or too much monotony you gotta figure out what that is and fix it.
You also made a bad choice, it wasn't a mistake, it didn't just happen, you gotta live with that and take the course of action you think it's gonna lead to you a better life, if that means keeping it to yourself then be it.
And for god fucking sake don't let other people influence your relationship, opinions should be welcome, active sabotaging not.

>>18124235
She knows and she's deeply deeply upset over it and she's actually on many occasions told me that she doesn't deserve me in her life and that she'd understand if I left.

She even tells me that it would be ok to cheat on her as long as she wouldn't find out. I hated that.

I really know she loves me an incredible amount but there are just so many things wrong in her life since those burnouts that she can't bring herself to actually act upon it.

I fucked myself over by falling in love 5 years ago with someone who isn't entirely mentally stable as it seems.

>>18124239
Grow up, or better, leave and come back when you're out of highschool.

>>18124079
>>18124091
>>18124139

This is so fucking stupid. Yes sex is a big part of romantic relationships, but it is *not* necessary in order to have one. What if your long term partner gets some medical condition and their sex organs stop working? What are you going to do - drop them just because you can't get your nut on? What about your family? What if you're a kid and your dad gets in a car crash and becomes a paraplegic? Are you going to disown him and 'find someone new' because 'he can't provide for your needs enough'?

Real love is not emotion. It's not the honeymoon phase, infatuation, or lust - it's the conscious position of doing good for/to another person, irrespective if feelings. And with long term partners, you fucking commit, long-term.

I swear, this selfish attitude of only maintaining relationships based on what you get out if it is the reason modern dating is so fucked.

What if our grandparents had this attitude? Grandma leaves grandad because he has trouble getting it up past 70 and 'she wants to see what's out there'. Soon no one has together grandparents. Ridiculous.

If my wife got muscular dystrophy tomorrow, i would stay by her side till we died. No sex. No support. No frolocking in the meadow like lovestruck children. Just loyalty from me.

OP, I say talk to your girl about the lack of intimacy and try to actively work together to bring the spark back into the relationship. Many couples go through what you're talking about, and it's no reason to drop the relationship.

>>18124233
We spend a lot of time together and have very good discussions about a broad range of topics. We "cuddle" a lot while watching tv or whenever we're having one-on-one time so it's not like she's emotionally reserved.

She's just very sad very often and since her burnout she's always tired. She's also gained a lot of weight in the last 6 months for no apparant reason since she works out a lot and eats healthy as fuck. This made her even more insecure and uncomfortable.

We share a large group of friends and I'm really part of her family too. It's so much to throw away but I'm not sure how long I can keep this up anymore.

>>18124239
I did read the op post and all hos subsequent posts you stupid whore bitch. He only speaks of not having enough sex with his partner.

You're a piece of shit and already admitted to having mental health issuesm you're trash and OP should be glad he isnt dating a degenerate whore such as yourself.

You see op. These are the type of women out there waiting for you once you leave the women you pove.

This bitch advocates stepping on the ones she loves in order to find more hapiness.

And when her "husband" no longer meets her happiness standard, she will leave him for his best friend, take the kids, and get child support out of him. And her excuse will be

"oh well. I deserve to be happy. Fuckeveryone else i just ruined"

I sincerely hope you die in the most painfuo way imaginable cunt.

>>18124241
>She knows and she's deeply deeply upset over it and she's actually on many occasions told me that she doesn't deserve me in her life and that she'd understand if I left.
typically a not good sign
>She even tells me that it would be ok to cheat on her as long as she wouldn't find out. I hated that.
heartbreaking sorry man
try counseling? other if that doesnt work.. if i were you i would put consideration into "does she really even want to be happy" you can only help someone so much before they drown the both of you, and dieing for someone that refuses to be positive/accept help/actually refuse living a good life isnt a good thing
>>18124245
they are in there 20's your examples are not valid. also chill out

>>18124027
>she's had several burnouts related to work
women are not made to work; you work she should stay at home. She will be happier that way and so will you.

>no sex, I want to cheat
leave, dude. Leave.

>friends and family don't think the relationship has potential
believe them, trust them, they know you longer than the woman.

>I wan't to bang the bartender chick
are you a 15 y/o who is in a bar for the first time? fuck her, but leave your gf first.

>I'm 28 and still go clubbing even tho I am in a relationship
you are a teenager in an adult man body. We all know what kind of shit goes on in clubs and you knew that you are going to cheat

Just leave and grow up.

>>18124245
This guy gets it.

>>18124239
>>18124192
Degenerate selfish whore.

>>18124027
You're minds already made up. You're going to do it. It's so obvious. Nothing anyone says will stop you. Good luck to you. Long term relationships are hard. You have to love them so much that you would be willing to die to save them.

>>18124254
Hes Nearly 30 and its a 5 year relationship. By no means is he a little teenager. Fuck off you filthy whore. Stop tainting OPs mind with your selfish bullshit.

>>18124249
I really don't want to argue and derail OP's thread, so after this reply I'll just stop replying to your comments.

I had a burn out, I recovered from it. I don't have any mental issues other than that.
I am not a whore or a degenerate, but I don't honestly think you even know what those words mean.

I am not advocating stepping on the ones he love in order to find more happiness. I'm advocating leaving a romantic relationship that isn't romantic and hasn't been for 3 years in order to find someone he's in love with.
He clearly isn't in love with his girlfriend, since he cheated on her, and she clearly isn't in love with him, since she isn't making any step forward to make their relationship better. They are together out of habit.

My husband didn't make me happy every moment, obviously, but I didn't leave because I am in love with him. I never "ruined" anyone.

I don't hope you die, but I hope you learn to use punctuation. That'd be something.
Have a nice day.

>>18124119
>>18124192
>>18124230

There will never, ever be a time in your life that there won't be someone 'better' out there. At some point you have to just make a decision, and stick with it.

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>>18124139
This is actually good advice, if a bit harsh and abrupt.

People save marriages by coming clean and making a massive, life-altering effort to fix themselves, and through that, to recommit to maintaining a loving relationship, which, except through illness or accident, very much DOES include frequent, enthusiastic sex.
I have read that people in truly happy, stable marriages have sex at least 2-3 times a week at a minimum, and in stories of folks who improved their marriages, it almost universally included one partner pushing themselves to have more sex until it became more fulfilling and required less pushing.
Sex is a great barometer for the health of a long term relationship, but it's not a passive tell- it can be employed to improve things, as well.

I speak from experience. My wife and I have more sex in our 40's than we did in the first years of our marriage- about on par on what was going on while we were dating. Granted, we keep ourselves relatively healthy because we feel the difference during sex, also. It's good for that, too. Being healthy overall helps a LOT.

For OP, I would say that he needs to be a bit less of a pussy, and talk about this shit with his otherwise soon-to-be ex. Failing that, he's very much responsible for the state of his sexless relationship.

Chemistry in a long-term relationship isn't magic. You really do have to work at it. It's a labor of love, but it's a continuous process. With respect to >>18124192 intimacy and desire do not always come naturally. They are the result of actions and interactions, after some portion of lust converts to love. Both are necessary and welcome, but the ratio changes day by day and is interactive.
OP, you need to talk to her, not us. And you're going to have to come clean at some point, especially if she refuses to concede. You'll either cure or kill.
Both are preferable to what you have now.

>>18124267
>Hes Nearly 30 and its a 5 year relationship. By no means is he a little teenager. Fuck off you filthy whore. Stop tainting OPs mind with your selfish bullshit.
op said dont flame the thread. so be civil
op's situation is not the same, his long term gf is not 70, and not disabled, she is pulling away physically for years, being emotionally withdrawn, and telling him " idk youre with me, i dont deserve you, you can cheat on me" AND she is getting fat aka letting her health go
>>18124276
this anon knows whats up

>>18124245
They're in their 30s, they aren't 70s. He still has a sex drive, while between two 70 years old you just lose your drive so it isn't an issue.
It also isn't physically impossible for them to have sex.
They don't have larger commitments like a marriage, a family, or whatever and maybe it'd be better for them to break up now instead of getting those commitments and be unhappy forever.

The problem here isn't the fact that they aren't fucking, but the fact that they aren't a couple - they are friends who live together. Relationships aren't friendships. They aren't romantically close to each other, to the point that she's been emotionally and sexually closed off for 3 years and he's romantically and sexually involved with someone else.

Why are people even arguing for them to stay together?

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>>18124285
I don't think anyone is arguing that they stay together. I recognize OP wants to stay in the relationship, but is foundering. That's mostly his own fault, of course, for accepting his lot, and once he realizes this and discusses it, he and/or his gf can figure out what to do next.
That being said, I agree with you on the difference between relationships and friendships.

It's sad that you younger folks don't have living examples in your family of why and how to radically improve the nature of your relationships. You do abandon ship way too early or way too late, as a rule. Many, if not most, long-term marriages are happy. That shit doesn't happen magically.

>>18124254
The entire situation is heartbreaking. I have to admit I genuinely hate myself for having feelings for this other girl but on the other side feeling in love again also boosts my energy an incredible amount.

The new girl is very mature and realistic about things. She knows about my current relationship and the situation I'm in and has already told me she doesn't want to force me into anything but that she's having very strong feelings for me. Maybe I should just meet with her once more and try to talk it through?

Seeing that there won't be any alcohol involved I think I should be able to restrain myself from making a mistake again.

>>18124263
I'm attracted to ambitious and independent women. We also work in completely different sectors which makes our conversations and discussions so good even after all this time.

The new girl is very comparable on that matter.

> leave, dude. Leave.

I never said I wanted to cheat.

>I wantt to bang the bartender chick

Please read the story. She was a bartender 5 years ago before I met my current girlfriend. She's an ambitious woman in a high position now and has had her own company in a country abroad. If she was still a bartender it would have been easy as fuck to deal with this and I'd never have had these feelings in the first place.

>I'm 28 and still go clubbing even tho I am in a relationship
Again, please read the OP. I go clubbing once or twice a year for my birthday or a very special occasion.

>>18124308
>Maybe I should just meet with her once more and try to talk it through?
bad idea, you need to be making this decision without the "new one" being involved. if you just so happen to get into a new relationship after your failing one ends then so be it, but in no way did you leave for the other-needs to be the official story so you dont taint what could be or put that mark on the other girl

i think you have heard enough of everyone in the thread just you need to make the decision for yourself

>>18124242
>>18124239

There's a middle ground her that both of you are missing. Couples go through burnout but that spark and attraction should always remain, I'd say if you no longer feel attracted to or close to your partner then its time to move on. In OP's case he clearly does care for his girlfriend but things are getting stale and this new flame is tempting him when things aren't at the greatest at home, its a classic tale.

>>18124273
No, you are a whore and a degenerate
And you arent worth a proof read, so please do mind the grammar and punctuation you piece of shit

...And op made it very clear that he is in love with her
...And its safe to assume she loves him as well unless otherwise stated.

He even says they do all the romantic things couples do. you are simply putting words in the OPs mouth, or maybe you're too stupid to read his posts. You attribute claims that are exactly the opposite of what the OP has stated clearly in the thread.

You already admitted to haveling a mental illness. You'vs shown yourself to be a selfish whore who will leave a love to try and find something more dicks to stuff in your whore mouth.

You dont know what you're talking about. You are a silly little tramp who lives her life as selfishly as possible. I truly feel sorry for you.

You're everything that's wrong with the world today. Your husband is a out of luck in a few years once you decide to be a whore again. Truly, I feel sorry you.

>>18124276
I very much appreciate your input.

I have to say however that I have tried again and again during the last few years to spark up the sex part in our relationship but, to say it in a badly translated dutch sentence, "you can't pull a dead horse anywhere".

Sounds very disrespectful but if she just doesn't have the physical reaction and mental state I can't change all that much about it. It's not like I don't work on myself to be as attractive as possible and/or give her what she needs.

>>18124317
but op has been trying to reignite the flame so to speak for years and she is starting to tell him "to just cheat on me" wtf is her problem he doesnt need to marry that type of person

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>>18124139
/thread

OP is too much of an excuse-making autistic faggot.

>>18124278
Thank you for trying to keep it from derailing.

She's not "fat" yet. You clearly see the difference though and she has to watch it. Her gaining weight has little to do with her not trying to stay healthy. She even spends money on a personal trainer and does crossfit 3-4 times a week and tries to eat as healthy as possible.

It's probably a thyroid issue and she's being checked again in the coming weeks.

>>18124285
Just for the record I'm not sexually involved with someone else and we do still have romantic moments in our relationship. They just never lead to sex.

>>18124333
You made out with someone else, and if you weren't drunk you would have fucked.
You are sexually involved with someone else.

>>18124254
>>18124285

Age is irrelevant. A lot of our grandparents married before 20. Our parents in their early 20's. And so many of them stayed together for life. Mishaps; ups, and downs can happen at any stage in life. Your decision to stay or go never changes in structure.

Marriage tough isn't really a big thing in this day and age. It's an external dressing for an internal core - but that core has not changed over time: it's still commitment, and real love.


>They aren't romantically close

He takes her on dates; She is not emotionally distant; They often cuddle.

>>18124303
We have discussed it time and again but there never seems to be a real solution. I am not lying when I say I came here being desperate because I really fucking love this girl.

I thought I'd be able to hold out however long needed for her to get her shit together but now this other girl who I never expected to be this amazing pops in and it all became a magnitude harder than it already was.

>>18124334
If I wasn't drunk I probably would not have kissed her in the first place.
Then again I don't know. The attraction is ridiculous.

>>18124335
yes marriage is tough and it takes someone who isnt selfish, but op has said he does everything took her on trips , being romantic, trying to help her and nothing works, FOR YEARS. she is the one who is not doing her part
>>18124336
>I thought I'd be able to hold out however long needed for her to get her shit together
but why? thats not your job, you did and have been doing your part FOR YEARS

>>18124335
> He takes her on dates; She is not emotionally distant; They often cuddle.

This is true, as lame as it may sound. Sometimes I try to check whether the cuddling can lead to anything more but it just doesn't work out.

It's really the combination of her being so down in general for such a long time and not having sex which makes this difficult. That and the knowledge that there's no solution in sight at least in the near future.

>>18124342
Because I commit when I start something. Maybe it's bad and obsessive but that's how I unfortunately am. Same when it comes to my business. I won't go as far as comparing competition in business to my relationship but to a certain extent i feel I'd be failing personally if I dropped this without having done everything that's possible.

The problem is that it's impossible to determine when exactly you've done everything that's possible.

>>18124342
And also because she helped me become the person I am today.

I was pretty much a young adult when I got to know her and during the first years she always pushed me to pursue my career and dreams. It's not like she's never done anything for me.

It's just that that part seems to be gone now. She simply doesn't have the energy to do things for me anymore even though I can see and feel that she really wants to.

By the way, no one has commented on that yet but pic is related. I suppose it's not all that important either way since this goes a lot deeper than looks.

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>>18124350
>>18124346
>I was pretty much a young adult when I got to know her and during the first years she always pushed me to pursue my career and dreams.
fuck
>She simply doesn't have the energy to do things for me anymore even though I can see and feel that she really wants to.
but you have a very tough job too and you have energy for her..
really are you positive she isnt cheating?
this is really tough call man but if it is only getting worse these past years i think then yeah its legit to end it
>>18124351
cute

>>18124351
Your girlfriend or the bartender?

>>18124357
I'm 100% positive she isn't cheating. I know her. She feels terrible about her body right now and has 0 self-confidence. It's a horrible way to confirm she isn't cheating but I'm sure she wouldn't have the energy to do it. She's just at work and then at home. Barely even wants to meet friends lately.

Pic related is the one that used to be the bartender. She has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen in my life.

OP, have you considered, that what you are feeling for the new girl is essentially a crush?

In a crush, you don't really know the person very much, so your brain fills in the gaps with ideal information which you form a strong attachment/feelings to. You're not in love with them; you're in love with *the idea* of them.

As such, there is no guarantee that the new girl is anything like what you imagine now, and that there will be longterm fulfilment in that prosoective relationship.

It seems the effect was triggered by previous attraction, a current fetish for successful women, and a circumstantial consideration of a [new] relationship (due to the actions of your friends). All of this is textbook crush induction marerial.

If this is given, then consider the shaky ground on which the prospect of a relationship with the new girl is, and whether this is worth giving up your current girlfriend over.

Further, the circumstance of not really knowing what she's like lends to an opportunity to preserve the current relationship, via specifically not following up/learning about the new girl -- all if this, should you wish.

Basically, you could be crushing, in which case you don't know the object, and you can actually take the opportunity to not learn about her if you want to, in the interest of preserving your current relationship.

>>18124357
I honestly can't blame her either for not having the "ability" to work as hard as me and combine it with a rich personal life.

She should consider working less but she's a perfectionist and doesn't want to be considered a failure so she's not taking any steps in that direction even though its slowly killing her.

>>18124363
I take back everything i said ITT. Definitely fuck the resi as soon as possible.

Your fatass girlfriend doesn't seem all that concerned. She'll probably be happy knowing you will no longer hump her ass at night.

You did what you could and gave it you all.
Resi is a qt. She looks like she'll let you stick it in her ass tbqh.

Do it

>>18124351

You really shouldn't ever post pictures of people you know on 4chan...

>>18124319

I'm not her but I'm a bit curious why you're so angry and what exactly made this other person selfish and a whore?

none of what you say makes much sense.

>>18124363
okay. hmm. did she show any evidence of mental issues when she was being encouraging in the beginning of the relationship? is this her first time "alone and away from home/mom and dad" or something like that?

i recommend that you just end it brah, but dont just hop into the next relationship do your own thing and that way any chance with the other girl has a real opportunity in te future. but that has no effect on your current relationship, your gf seems to not give a fuck anymore and you cant undepress someone thats their own fault, i went through that before and NOTHING would work and i ruined several relationships with family friends and romantic ones as well bc i only would change when I WANTED to which took almot 8 years

>>18124366
Yes I have very much considered this. The issue however is the more I talk to her the stronger my feelings are becoming because she is such an amazing ambitious and succesful woman. She's not just some trophy wife even though she looks like one.

My own girlfriend used to be like that too though.

You are very right that this is very shaky ground and risking almost everything I have for something that might not even last a year. It's the #1 reason holding me back so far. Then again like others in this thread have said I maybe shouldn't choose "comfort" and a "known environment" over excitement and perhaps a chance, regardless of how big or small, to be fully happy again in a relationship.

>Basically, you could be crushing, in which case you don't know the object, and you can actually take the opportunity to not learn about her if you want to, in the interest of preserving your current relationship.

But is that really a solution? Trying to avoid this girl just so that I can't figure out how amazing or not amazing she possibly is? Shouldn't I face this head on and just figure out whether it would be worth it?

>>18124380
OP, you cannot have your cake and eat it to.
If you decide to commit, cut the other girl off and pretend she never existed. Commit to your relationship.
If you decide you want to take your chance with the other girl, have the courtesy to dump your girlfriend before you do so.

>>18124378
You are her. You've already been BTFO slut. Stop trying you're just embarrassing yourself.

You got exposed ITT and called it. Everyone laughed at you. We all moved on already. Let it go.

>>18124380
op this>>18124386
you want to leave your gf is a seperate concept and the one to be dealt with first and the latter(regrdless of how legit it might seem) will need to be kept amicable and somewhat distant until you get things sorted out first otherwise it will be doomed to fail, but nevermind that bc that doest account for how your gf has been deteriorating for years

>>18124375
This isn't /b/ though. Worst case you guys can destroy a relationship 99% of you already sees as destroyed.

I'd appreciate it if I'd be able to make my own choice though.

>>18124388
Dude, it wasn't me. I said I wasn't going to reply to that guy anymore and I didn't.

Can we please stop this insult shit? It is really pathetic and not really helping OP.
Thanks.

>>18124379
She's had a lot of mental issues throughout her life but many ambitious people do.

She had longer-term relationships before me as well which were stable.

I'm not sure whether I'm ready to give up. That's literally it.

I consider this therapy as crazy as it sounds coming to some crazy board on 4chan but reading all this has calmed me down somewhat.

Thank you all. Really.

>>18124386
Is it wrong to talk to the new girl and get to know her better without any kissing or sexual stuff? Is that emotional cheating by definition already?

If this really is a stupid crush I don't think it'd be wise to immediately get rid of my current gf.

>>18124400
>Is that emotional cheating by definition already?
yeah it is
>>18124398
did your gf do anything for your birthday? is she cleaning the place up? helping out pay bills? if you answered no to these things then its time to end it bc then she is literally doing nothing other then using you to be comfortable and cuddle basically a unic-emotinal bf

tough choice anon, goodluck

>>18124400
You *did* cheat on your girlfriend already, and by keeping contact and indulging in your feelings for the new girls you're emotionally cheating and basically setting yourself up for cheating on her further.

Your decision to break this relationship you're in or not shouldn't be because of the new girl. Think of it for yourself.

>>18124374
Rofl.

My current gf isn't fat though.
But yeah this one is very cute.

>>18124403
She's paying her share (I make a multiple of what she makes so she pays accordingly).

The loft is mine and I have no mortgage so fixed costs aren't all that high.

She took me to a spa for my birthday which was fun and we had some good talks about various subjects but no sexual acts involved. That kind of bothered me I have to admit.

We have a cleaner who takes care of the interior twice a week. Other than that my gf does the laundry. Most other chores are done by me (I enjoy cooking).

>>18124412
I also just found out from the other girls at the party that it was all a setup.
They literally invited me for her as they apparantly found out she liked me too all the time back then.

I just shouldn't have been such a fucking scared little shit back then and this would've never happened in the first place.

>>18124412

Some people here are encouraging me to put myself first so in that case the prospects of this new girl do have to be taken into consideration.

>>18124421
okay so she is sounding less bad, and i can see why more now this is a very difficult choice. (leave or not leave)

if she is on the phone all the time, on social media? there could be an issue there and she is up t something but if not then she sounds like she is having major issues though

ask your friends to adivse you bc i assume they know her better then us? or do they not hang with you bc of "she doesnt want to hangout with anyone right now"

does she go out with you and friends? does she not like it when you go out? why didnt she go with you that night to the bar?

>I also just found out from the other girls at the party that it was all a setup.
dude your friends are trying to tell you something, go speak to the one that has known you the longest, hopefully since before you knew your gf and ask them straight up what they would do

good luck anon i dont think i can add much more,other then to say do what is right by you and dont sacrifice your healthy person needs

>>18124027
ITT: Low test betas defending their inability to sexually please their partners.

>we're so next level for being asexual hurr durr
Fucking lol. No wonder all you faggots get cheated on, partnerships and marriages end more often and we have less kids being born.

Your problem though. I and literally everyone I know keep fucking our partners daily even after years of being together.

I don't have the answer to fix this, but as a 25 year old who has been dating a guy for 5 years and has the usual struggle of maintaining a relationship, I wanted to put some input in in case it's relevant (and also because blogging in adv is what people do).

You have already stated that she is not 'who she was' >>18124328 >>18124204 and I think this is very important in a healthy relationship. You can't fix someone and you can't make them stay who they were, but you can support her to be the best her that she can be even if that her isn't the one you want. You are already supporting her by listening to her battle with mental health etc, but if she is strong enough you need to help her come out of her shell. You can't be everything for her, she needs other people and other things in her life. Spending time doing crossfit whilst hating herself isn't a hobby, does she have anything in her life to be proud and motivated about?
When I am depressed I am useless, I only want to spend my time indoors watching tv and being looked after by my boyfriend, but it's not a good thing. When I'm active I see him less, but I have something to talk to him about, I want to have sex, I am a real person again. She might never be the old her but right now she is nobody.

>>18124366
Important stuff. I am on my 2nd earth-shattering crush right now during this relationship, but it's just a crush. Maybe it could lead to an even better relationship than the one I'm in, maybe worse, but I'm making the decision to stand by the one I have until it isn't working anymore. However I believe there is nothing wrong with a flirty friendship, as long as you don't do anything that you wouldn't knowingly do in front of your girlfriend (i.e. looking is fine, not kissing or emotional cheating)

Also, remember that you're on 4chan. The advice here doesn't come from a normal cross section of society, talk to your irl friends ffs.

>>18124434
I am asking my friends but since a good part of them actually set up this entire thing I don't know who to trust anymore.

Now that I found that out it was all a setup I'm actually fucking pissed. Why would they risk doing all that to this girl?

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>>18124454
>Now that I found that out it was all a setup I'm actually fucking pissed. Why would they risk doing all that to this girl?
good point.
i like this anon's >>18124453
response as well

i think ive said all i could. i wish you well anon

The bartender is cute
Sexy
Perky tits
I know why you're so messed up

>>18124391

No - worst part is that someone possibly tracks her down and stalks her/ruins her life, and maybe you too.

I've been here for years. Adv is one of the most civilized places on the site, but it is still 4chan, and 4chan definitely has some sociopaths on it at any given time.

>>18124424
>>18124454

The fact that it was a setup was super obvious as soon as you mentioned it in the OP, haha

Don't blame your friends too much - they just want you to be happy, and this was a chance at rectifying a cosmic missed opportunity/matchmaking. Bitches love matchmaking.

>>18124051
To put it simply, you're being cucked. You're stuck in an sexless relationship, which is a sure sign she's sexing it up with someone else. You're literally in the friend zone with her. Leave this roastie, date that qt bartender, and never look back. Godspeed, OP.

Real talk time, op: the girl you posted is pretty, but I'm gonna be honest - she's not the most beautiful thing that's walked this planet. She's probably not even the most beautiful girl in your city. The reason why you find her so alluring is because of your personal situation - if I haven't fucked in a long while any girl with a nice face, decent body and a skirt starts looking amazing - even moreso if she shows interest in me.

Forget all of these stupid fucks in here, op, read this, the whole fucking thing and make your own decisions:

https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/why-people-cheat.html

>>18125239
>>18124864

I've just spent the entire night at friends, just got home.

Yeah she is fucking cute and amazingly independent at the same time.

So was my current gf though.

The setup part still makes me pretty angry. I'm going out for dinner with one of those girls this Friday. Why would you do that though, even if it's just to repsect this girl's feelings. Sure it's truely a cosmic missed opportunity but time had passed.

>>18125245
Neh she's not. She wouldn't be physically nor mentally able to. People like me don't get cucked bro.

>>18125254
If it was all about looks I wouldn't even blink. It's that the girl is pretty but also ran her own company at 24, worked abroad and runs a fucking animal shelter too I found out today. She's really not just dat pretty girl.

>>18124027
soooooo I'm a bit late on the topic,
my advice:
OP, you're clearly in a dying relationship, not having sex for a long time? that's exactly how my relationship died out, and its better to end it before things get to bad, out of respect and to give the other a better chance
besides all that you had a great chance with a cute girl you wanted from the past, which is now even more good looking and successful, so don't be a faggot and give her buck loads of cum
I would however be careful and honest with her before moving on, tell her about the relationship and ask for some time, she like it too much you just jumping from a relation to another

>>18125245
I can't even tell if these people are real or a troll persona anymore, can they? All those bullshit redpill memes

>>18125925
I talked to a couple we've known for years last night and they have the same idea as me that right now I can't really talk about it to my girlfriend seeing how emotionally unstable she is right now.

>>18125510
>Neh she's not. She wouldn't be physically nor mentally able to. People like me don't get cucked bro.
Oh, dude.

Look, different guy here. I'm not trying to patronize you, but you want to drop that attitude right now. Trust me.

I don't care how cool you think you are. You can be a A-list rock star who moonlights as a brain surgeon with the body of a Greek god and still get cheated on. Don't kid yourself about that, it's not a mentality that will serve you well.

That said, I doubt your girlfriend is cheating; relationships can turn sexless for lots for reasons and nothing you wrote suggests infidelity to me.

>>18126715
Of course I can get cheated on but I'm not someone who gets cucked. I just know that she isn't in a mental nor physical state now to do such a thing as she barely leaves the house if she isn't with me or any of our closest friends.

It has little to do with my status or looks. I've been cheated on in the past just like probably everyone else in the world.

>>18126717
OK, fair. I misunderstood; it sounded like you were saying something a lot more delusional than you were.

I'm refraining from commenting on the actual issue at hand because it's a pretty big, open-ended one and I don't have the time to write a long-ass post right now.

I will make a couple stray observations and duck back into the thread as soon as I can:

1. Whether you stay with her or leave her, your girlfriend needs therapy.
2. You're probably right that whatever contraception your girlfriend uses is dampening her sex drive, that's EXTREMELY common, but I'm really not convinced that she's explored all her available options. Really -- she's been to a doctor, explained the problem, and they've eliminated literally every single other kind? And even if that's the case, which I doubt, what's to prevent you two from ... just using condoms?
3. I'm not clear on how much, exactly, you've talked to your girlfriend about the lack of sex in your relationship, whether or not she understands the severity of the problem. If you haven't made that very clear then you need to. If you're really unable to have that conversation without her breaking down or whatever, then the relationship's basically over. I'm sorry.

>>18126733
Thanks for the reply so far!

1) She has had tons of therapy throughout the past years but yes I agree she should keep trying until she finds someone who can actually help her.

2) Due to the kind of work I do, I know the best doctors in this field there are in our country and I've suggested her contacting them on various occasions. This might sound stupid, but the least I think she can do is then act on that and ask me for a phone number or name she can contact. She talks about it with her gynaecologist but he's not that much of a help. He tried giving her a spiral instead, which did indeed boost her sex drive but started to hurt continuously after the first few weeks. The pills she used to take turned her into an acne-festered fat girl which she coudn't stand. The Nuva Ring which she uses now completely nullifies her sex life but seems to have little other side effects.

3) We have talked about this dozens if not hundreds of times in the last 3 years. The problem is indeed that she breaks down quite often but she also understands that she needs to make a change. She seems to be unable to do so though so I'm in a way glad that our common friends are going to take action in the coming days.

>>18124192
This seems like truly good advice and what I recommend you follow op.

For my 2c

It is probably worth investigating how you feel about this new girl a little further. Keep it hush.

Even if you decide to leave the relationship, I'd cover up the cheating if you can. It may be impossible given how many people are involved. But her finding out would severely wound her.

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so, uhm... maybe I'm missing something and asking something this obvious is retarded, but if the hottie has her business in another country, wouldn't she move away from NL again soonish?

>>18127006
She sold her business a few months ago. It's why my "friends" set all of this up.

She's going to work close to where I live now.

Do you even knows what the new girl wants from you? Is she dtf, does she want a bf etc.

>>18127006
Also wait what, did I actually say NL at some point?

That's pretty close to home bro. It's not correct though but still scary.

>>18127019
We spoke for hours. Near the end she told me literally that she'd most likely fall in love with me in a matter of a few days if we saw eachother again and really wanted me to consider it.

I'm seeing her in about an hour actually after work. She just "happened" to be closeby and asked me if we could go get dinner together.

>>18127021
I can spot a dutch accent from miles away, even if it's just text.

>>18127024
keep us updated :)

>>18127027
I'm Belgian but still very impressed.

I will update later tonight. She's been sending me all these songs throughout the night (I was actually sleeping since my friends fed me wine to stop being so stressed out) with sometimes a bit too obvious titles.

Tried to check whether I could find some negative points when booking a restaurant but she's not picky when it comes to food, has been jogging every day etc so only more positive stuff.

I'm 99% sure there won't be sex tonight since there simply isn't a location for it. Other than that I can only guess what will happen when we see eachother again but somewhere I hope it won't be what we both hoped it would be.

>>18127034
Does this girl know that you're officially and technically still in a relationship with someone else? It sure doesn't sound like it. Might wanna tell her before the texting gets out of hand or she could get some very wrong vibes from you.

>>18127043
She does. She knows most of the entire story regarding her that I've been telling in this thread.

She's also said that she really wants to see me again but that she respects that I can't just make this call in a few days. I just don't think hiding from the issue will help me. I'm meeting her in my own city so there's a very decent chance people will see me, which means I'll have more incentive to keep it somewhat serious and not end up doing fucked up shit.

I really just want to talk to her and figure out whether we really are such a match.

>>18127034
>>18127050
Godspeed, anon. You're making the right choice IMO, you don't want to regret letting her slip away if your relationship is already on the downturn.

Let us know how it works out.

>>18127050
Hey OP, iImagine you were your gf and being told that the relationship ends now because your SO found someone better.
Would you like that to happen to you? Because that's what you're about to do.

The girl you like seems to have no problem at all with you leaving your gf.
Maybe she won't have any problem leaving you once she's bored of you or found someone better (remember, she's pretty and successful, guys will fly at her).

>>18127093
I am however not doing that. The only decision I have made so far is that I need to get to know this girl better without being in an environment that can easily lead to kissing and / or sex. That's why I'm taking her out for dinner in the city where I know the most people tonight. At worst people will think I went out with a female friend.

I haven't made up my mind at all and you have a point about her being a high-end one but that has never stopped me in the past from taking risks.

She doesn't know my girlfriend and has strong feelings for me, so it's not all that insane of her to not have a problem with it ending seeing that the relationship is really not good in the eyes of most of our friends.

Yeah I did just defend her didn't I, but that's just how I see it.

>>18127096
>Yeah I did just defend her didn't I, but that's just how I see it.
I don't want to argue with you, because it's completely your decision in the end.

Just wanted to give some input for your suggestions.

>>18126701
>they have the same idea as me that right now
what now? are you gonna orgy it up? foursome or swap?

He's fucking her brains out rn, isn't he? Can't even blame him, she's cute af

We had drinks first, we then had dinner at a nice place I picked. We talked non stop again from 18.00 until 23.00. Made it without kissing her until then even though it was all way too clear already.

She was staying at a friend of her's living a few hundred meters from the restaurant. Took us nearly an hour...

During the entire thing she repeatedly got kind of sad and suggested we should ignore eachother for a month to see if the feelings are still the same after. More kissing. Seeing the large banner of the architect who's one of my best friends right behind us as some sort of fucked up all-seeing-eye. Didnd't even know he had a project there.

We talked more about how insane it is that it feels that we've known eachother for decades. How stupid we both were for never asking eachother out all those years ago. She admitted she still knew exactly who I was.

During dinner, let's just say my field of work is complex but when this girl knows exactly how the startup scene works in Kopenhagen, knows how banking works in Indonesia, knows about the restaurants I told her about in Singapore. She has had a company which selled in 10 different countries on 3 continents, yeah I don't know wtf to say. She followed my reasoning, my maths, my logic like no one has ever done before. We had similar stories from our youth, we both looked at university the same way (waste of time 90%, just go for the intense 10% that's worth it). She combined 2 different masters.

I went upstairs with her into her friend's appartment who was also there on Sunday. She looked a bit surprised to see me as apparantly just like me the girl had hoped it wouldn't work out during dinner etc.

I put her to bed, took my time to kiss her again and then left. I was welcome to stay but I suppose it was the decent thing to do.

I'm home now. I'm feeling completely empty. I started the evening with mad mad mad butterflies but now they're all gone and replaced with the realisation that this is all real.

>>18128010
you know what you have to do, my man

>>18128010
at this point you really need to talk to your gf, this is a full-blown affair even without the sex.

This girl is realistic as fuck.

I kind of think she'll actually go through with the month of space now. It's probably the best thing to do but it proves she's stronger than me right now even though I was the one that left tonight. I want to take her to the seaside on Friday and take her with me to San Francisco next month.

The first is more realistic than the last but it comes down to the fact that I found nothing about this girl which can be considered negative. Kissing her felt so familiar.

I know I'm going to hurt her or my girlfriend a lot and it feels absolutely horrible.
What a horrible ridiculous species we are. Things shouldn't have to be this complex.

If she ignores me from now on I will know she's the strongest person I have ever met and a month won't ever be enough to forget about her. I know she feels the same way.

She came back to Belgium promising herself she'd be independent and not rely on a guy anymore. She somehow blames herself a bit for coming between my gf and me but it really isn't her fault.

Yeah guys. This is some real life on 4chan here.
Thanks for all the advice and support so far.

>>18128030
As my friends also told me and I agree with them:

1) My girlfriend is not emotionally capable of dealing with this right now

2) If my girlfriend was emotionally capable of dealing with this it would mean she'd have her life back on the tracks and I'd have left her immediately if I had feelings like this.

There is no talking right now about these things. And I really don't say this to avoid having to.

>>18128044
you do realize that the longer you put this on hold the more brutal it is going to be for her? You're having an affair, man. You're taking a girl out for dinner, kissing her on the way home, you're putting her to bed and you're planning to take her traveling with you.
Your girl will be devastated when she hears of this, but at least you will have been as "good" as anyone can expect you to.

The next few weeks will be hell around her anyway, trust me.

>>18128056
This new girl is strong enough to get away from this toxic situation. I think at least.

It's probably a good thing to see what a month does and try to figure out if staying with my gf has any chance during that time. I'm putting half my friends and a lot of other close ties at stake here as well.

All her close friends who I talked about this immediately said I can't tell my gf about this right now. It's really not just that she'd be devastated.

Hard to mix that with being madly in love but maybe it can work.

>>18128074
I wish you all the best man. I really hope that once all of this is over, no matter what you did, you will be happy with your choice. veel succes!

>>18128010

It seems that in terms of self actualization in life, you and this girl are a 1:1 match. You have the same hobbies, goals, etc.

Have you paid attention to personality though? Underlying temperament?

I'm a huge believer in this and think that this is one of, if not the biggest factor in success in a relationship - to have compatible personalities.
Perhaps both of you are of exactly the same temperament, which is why there is such strong attraction between you two - which is why you understand each other so instantly and well.
Or perhaps while you share the same culture and lifestyle, the personalities are different in ways that can only become apparent with long term interaction.
Mind you, 'Different' can either be good or irrelevant - not necessarily bad.

Regardless, I would keep this in mind. The butterflies and crush phase can make it hard to perceive these kinds of things.

If you are not so compatible, then it may not be worth throwing away your relationship with your girlfriend over.

If on the other hand, you're very compatible/same in temperament, then perhaps you want to start thinking of a longer term project/strategy to let down your gf as easy as you can.

Ascertaining this would of course require more interaction with the girl. Didn't your gf say that it's ok to have an affair, as long as she didn't find out?

That said, you sound very integrated into the community and place in which you live, so people not finding out could be hard.

If you do end up going for the new girl, then make sure with that relationship, to be very communicative and mutually understanding of how negative relationship states can effect the other psychologically and make it easy to end. And be very aware of the relationship state, so that this shit doesn't happen again.

>>18124051
Take your gf to the bedroom and do somthing with her. Geez.

>>18128074
Your mental gymnastics are disgusting. If you stay with your girlfriend for a month, you're lieing to her. If you do actually do anything sexual with her during this month whilst you've already earmarked the other girl, you're a monster. You clearly don't care about your current gf anymore, but is this really how you want your new gf to see you? I can't imagine someone who prides themselves on being a business man is so spineless.

Give your current gf some respect, admit you're not trying to be kind to her, you're just doing what suits you best. Tell her it's been a long time coming, that you love her but not romantically, that you're here for her but that you can't be together as a couple any more.

>>18128122
Thanks fellow Neder/Belg. It is quite amazing that 4chan of all places actually helped me think this over quite a bit.

>>18128284
Great post.

So I "slept" a night on it. Woke up at 5.30 AM again with unlimited energy and just thought a lot since then.
It's kind of incredible what an unlimited source of energy seems to come from these feelings. I wish I could focus it all into my work but honestly it has been suffering a bit since this all started.

Right now I'm actually somewhat calm. I think, but I'm not sure if it's the best choice, I want to kind of act upon what your post says, pick up the new girl on Friday and book a nice hotel far away from everything we know. I don't think I can get a clear idea about I want without spending a night with her. I don't mean sex itself, however there's obviously quite a bit of tension and the possibility is surely there. My current girlfriend is staying with a bunch of friends on Friday so it's probably the only time in the coming weeks when all this is still possible.

Is this an ok course of action?

After that night, if I still feel puzzled, I'll take her offer of not talking/seeing eachother for a month and check whether my relationship is still salvageable. I don't think I can do it right now. We would've spent the night together if she wasn't staying with that friend of her's and if I really didn't have to be somewhere very early in the morning.

She sent me something on facebook at 4 AM telling me that I should just come kidnap her and take her somewhere where no one knows who we are. (like 4chan, jk)

About the personality thing: I am a very calm and rational person (aside from the last few days of course). I think she is too. She seems to have such a clear view on what's happening and even though she told me that's she's now really falling in love, she also says that at the very least she wants to be friends if we have that month of space and I just can't choose for her after that.

>>18129262
I'm not saying that I don't understand your point but I disagree.

Not because of it being the best for me, and if we'd decide on a month of space it would really be a month of dead silence. So no, there would not be any sex in that time, not even talking on facebook or whatever.

The thing which you don't understand is that my girlfriend isn't in a position to handle this. Her emotional instability will just take over and there is almost 100% chance she'll end up in a mental ward. These aren't even my words but the words of all the friends I spoke to which we have in common. If I or any of our friends somewhat believed she would handle it I would have probably asked both for space instead to make up my mind.

The new girl actually says that she sees fidelity and loyalty as the most important thing in her relationships. She actually talked a lot about her past etc as well yesterday. However, she also said that if she was in my girlfriend's situation she'd be incredibly sad if she found out but if she were in my shoes she would probably end up doing the same.

Honestly I think I still want to be there for my girlfriend even after everything. Tonight her mom is going to talk to our friends and they're going to try to figure out a plan to make her better. Tomorrow she gets her hospital results so let's hope they figure out what's wrong with her and have the means to help her.

Thing is, if she gets better, I can tell her about all this and we can settle it all in a way a couple should. It also puts her in a position to do something about it. Right now, she's just in no position to deal with this.

>>18129299
To add, most of our common friends almost begged me to give my girlfriend some more time and not tell her about this.

I'm not making all these decisions solo. I know it all might sound horrible but I do have my girlfriend's best interests in mind. She needs to get better first before I can make a properly judged decision, and perhaps the same counts for her.

>>18129299
>Make her better
You can't "make" her better in a month, holy fuck. What happens when a month doesn't cut it? The girl needs stability, she needs to not live with you and move in with a family member or friend if they really care about her so much. You're planning to stay in a hotel with the new girl and lying that it's all about ~exploring possibilities~ etc, when really you're looking to bone her when your current gf isn't around. If you were serious with your intentions for the 'one month of no contact' thing, then you wouldn't need to fuck the new girl at this first chance. You need to break it off with your current gf already.

>>18129326
If I wanted to bone her I'd have done so yesterday. I think you misunderstand.
It's that I want to have time together with her to get to know who she really is. This isn't about sex. Like I said she is a very very rational and straightforward person and she wouldn't opt out if I refused to have sex with her this Friday. She knows what's going on and wants to give it all the time it needs. I can't however just ignore her from this point already as there hasn't been enough time to really figure out how compatible we are.

The hotel is just a necessary thing because I don't want to take her to my appartment at the seaside since that would be a bit close to home seeing that there's even picture of me and my gf on the wall there. I can't just dump her somewhere at the end of the night and tell her to find her way back home so we kind of have to sleep somewhere.

During that month my girlfriend will have to go to an institution for help either way and it's not like I haven't been a rock solid support for her for all these years, I'm quite sure I can muster the effort to hang on for a month. In her eyes, the relationship we have right now is the only stable thing in her life. Her parents pretty much blame her for how she's become and literally say that she's going to lose me over it. I don't think they'd provide her with a more stable environment.

>>18129344
Why can't she just sleep at a hotel and you sleep at your own apartment? You can clearly afford the taxi at whatever hour of night

Again, why do you think that after a month of stuffing your gf in an institution that you will be magically able to break up with her when you can't just do it now?

>>18129365
Maybe I don't want to break up with her in a month.

Maybe this new girl is just a wake up call for me and I have to deal with it.

Maybe within a month, those insane feelings have numbed down a bit and I'm ready to fight for my relationship again, at least if my girlfriend at least shows the will to progress.

Maybe.

I didn't come here to ask you guys how to break up with my girlfriend.

I also think there won't be any sleeping so your suggestion is good in theory, but we'll probably just talk through the night anyways.

>>18129365
And again, to make it very clear:

The thing about all this which scares me the most is the connection we have. The feeling that we've known eachother all our life. She texted me yesterday telling me that she would be in town all day and would be in more casual/sporty clothes and thus probably not look as good as I hoped.

Well she looked absolutely wonderful and she told me at the end of the night it was just so strange that she felt completely at ease with me in every single way. She'd never had that so fast with anyone. She admitted that the common friends she had set it all up as a "game" but that it had just gone completely wrong and now we're in love.

If it was just physical attraction to some hot chick I'd never even bothered in the first place.

OP, you're treating your girlfriend like garbage. Fuck, man, at least give her a fucking choice. Tell her you cheated on her (yes, making out is cheating) and let her decide on what she wants out of this relationship too. You're not giving her any say at all.

>>18129396
She doesn't want out. I ruin her already fucked up mental state by telling her right now that I cheated but what good would it do? She literally told me a thousand times that she'd understand if I cheated and that she'd never want to find out and that she'd be "ok" with it that way.

Of course she would not be ok with it, but from the above you should be able to derive her mental state. She's in no condition to take this kind of decisions. I would never hold back on telling her this if not all of our friends thought exactly the same.

Do you really believe it would do any good at all? The only thing she'll do is cry for months, beg me to stay with her and end up in a mental ward or worse. I have known this girl for so long and I know in what place she is now. I just can't do that to her at this point.

She will know all about this at some point. This just is not that moment.

Oh boy OP you sound fairly inexperienced. How many relationships have you been in? You needed to have a bottom line for your relationships at the START.

Let's analyze the issues presented in your original post:
1) No sex/dead bedroom
2) Meeting an old interest that hasa sparked an interest and feeling guilty about it

My proposed solution:
1) Grow a spine and figuring out your biological needs BEFORE you start a relationship, this includes knowing your own sex drive, sexual needs, need for intimacy, how you want your partner to be like. It is as important as choosing whether you want a girl who is active or likes being indoors, having compatible sex drives is a major factor for myself. I exercise regularly which causes me to have a high sex drive and would absolutely never date a girl who says she has a low sex drive, is asexual or otherwise withholds sex in any way and this is an absolute dealbreaker for me before a relationship starts.

2) This is a matter of personal values but I would operate in a clear cut way. There is no taking "breaks" from a relationship to try to "talk it out". If you guys need a "break" it's already at the point where it's basically dead in the water. Attraction is not based on logic and reason. You cannot reason someone into falling in love with you again. For example it's just not the same "spark" that you felt emotionally with your current love interest. That excitement was caused by PHYSICALITY, kissing, making out, cuddling I'm sure. The prospect of being able to have sex excites you and you're trying to play this off as being considerate for your girlfriend by giving her time. Time for what? You have several ways you can play this out:
a) You dump your girlfriend, be honest that you've found someone new, give her the truthful reason for you breaking up(not enough sexual fulfillment) and move on with your life. Get with new girl and have a happy relationship.

cont.

>>18129401
continued

b) This is more manipulative but you could use the new girl to make your current GF jealous. Jealousy can cause her to do more sexual favors for you and in fact cause her to find you more attractive. It's a social dynamic phenomenon but girls find guys who are sought after to be more attractive, because having many girls go after him it shows that he is worth competing for. This is a darker strategy that doesn't really have any downsides if you don't mind potentially hurting your old GFs feelings if it backfires, because the downside is that you get with the new girl anyway.

c) Be a pussy, ride out the month break. Your gf will forever wonder why you took a month break and probably already know you're cheating behind her back. Once a cheater always a cheater and that shadow will loom over your relationship as long as it goes on.

I'm honestly wondering what you look like OP, and if you take care of yourself to make yourself an attractive man at all? Same goes for your girlfriend, do either of you put effort into looking good for each other, flirting with each other, have regular physical intimacy? One last question, do you see yourself as a man, with control over the relationship? I don't see you as a man, so prove it to me.

Anyway OP I think you're a real dunce, this is a simple matter and has simple solutions. Go get your dick wet you pussy ass motherfucker.

>>18129399
You cannot have a relationship with someone that is, apparently, incapable of making any sort of judgment about the relationship itself. You are infantilizing her by painting this picture that she is incapable of handling this information, and you are simultaneously trying to paint yourself as the good guy because you are withholding this information from the poor baby that just can't handle it. You do not get to decide how she gets to handle the information; your friends do not get to decide it. You DO get to decide whether you want to be honest and respect her as a person, and I hope you do, because right now it is very clear that you are only trying to keep your own conscious clean. You just don't want to feel guilty when she is hurt by this information. ANYONE would be hurt by learning they were cheated on, but EVERYONE deserves to know. And guess what? The majority of people get over it! You have no respect for her otherwise, you are simply trying to keep your own conscious clear while you take your time with this situation for your own benefit. You can spin it anyway you want dude, but you're being a very shitty person.

Source: I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years, he cheated on me, didn't tell me, I found and and was pissed. He had the same fucking excuse you had, that he didn't think I could handle it, that I would be devastated. Guess what dude! You don't get to decide that! People go through longterm breakups every day! Things will be okay regardless!

>>18124027
Has anyone told you to seek couples counselling yet? Cuz it sounds like you two need couples counselling. There's also sex therapy.

>>18129407
So true, unless she has a suicidal history or some huge mental issues, as in psychiatrist verified. She'll be hurt in the short term but she'll get over it. Time eases the pain eventually. People do not go through life without a few cuts and scrapes.

>>18129401

1) My current girlfriend used to have a bigger sex drive than me. I know what my biological needs are, I'm not 16 and I've had had multiple stable "long"-term relationships before. I don't even need that much sex but coping with a girl I love so much going into burnout and depression and not getting out of it after 3 years just changes a lot.


2) I'm not taking a break from my girlfriend. I'm going to avoid seeing the new girl for a month. I'll muster all the energy I have left to back my girlfriend into taking serious steps towards getting better. Honestly I've tried this a dozen times before but this time all our friends know its the last chance and everyone is getting mobilized to help. So again, the month would be avoiding and completely ignoring the new girl to give my current relationship that final chance.

Also, the "excitement"/"feelings" I have for this new girl have much more to do with how interesting, independent and strong she is than the physical part. If she was just very sexy/hot/pretty I'd never been tempted.

2b) That would work with most "normal" girls in a someone mentally stable situation. My girlfriend is in no position to fight for our relationship or me at this point so I can't put her in such a position. She's got so many other issues she can't deal with already.

And I'll answer your question about looks honestly: I am probably in the top 0.1% and while I know that, during all these years it has never occurred to me to even consider anyone else but my girlfriend. You'll probably call bullshit on this but one of the things all our common friends said when I talked to them the last days is that this stuff was bound to happen at some point because there isn't a single girl they know who wouldn't want to be with me if they were single. The fact that I've got all my other shit in order and am very very straightforward and assertive just adds to all that. Enough with selling myself though.

>>18129407
I'm not painting any image, it's pretty much all literal quotes of what she has said over the past years. She has told me time and again she doesn't want to know about these things because she can't handle them and loves me too much to ever leave me in the current situation.

I'm not tossing out my own ideas here. They're her words.

>>18129410
She has all of the things you mentioned. I kind of thought I had made that clear yet.

Other than that I want to make clear AGAIN that I would fully agree with what you're both saying if she was anywhere near stable right now. I would immediately tell her and talk it over and let her decide for herself.

Unfortunately that is just not possible.

You both tell me to let her make her own decisions, well her decision has been for years that she doesn't want me to tell her if anything happens because she knows she can't handle thinking about it.

>>18129408
I want counselling but right now she needs to get help first with her other mental issues. Once she manages to pick herself up even somewhat, then we should do that for sure.

I'll try to illustrate this: every day I come home and I find her in the bathroom on the floor crying that everything sucks and that she hates her life and that I'm literally the only thing keeping her somewhat ok. I'm not exaggerating.

Do you kind of understand why I'm so scared to tell her right now? It has very little to do with me being a douche and wanting to do things behind her back. I love this girl and I don't want her to get pushed over the edge and do horrible things to herself.

>>18129432
Genuine sociopath dickwad
Stop trying to use an anonymous image board to justify your gross actions

>>18129443
Please elaborate instead of just using an anonymous image board to toss ad hominems at other anoymous people.

All opinions are very much appreciated and I'm willing to listen to anyone. This however doesn't help in any possible way.

Have you tried reading the entire thread or did you just drop in today and decide to read the last 3 posts and hate me for that?

>>18129432
>>18129432
Alright I'll believe you
Well if you know what your needs are and you need sex, even if it's just a little and you are getting none right now it still seems like a problem to me. Duty sex aka chore sex out of obligation does not count as having sex in my opinion.

2) If you avoid seeing the new girl for a month this honestly seems like the worst outcome. Finding someone you share a connection with both personality-wise and physically can be a rare thing. For myself it is often that I find them physically attractive but not mentally stimulating. Think about avoiding that girl for a month as a double edged sword. Since you will be avoiding her on purpose it also means she will be in the back of your mind for that month. You've already justified the factors of why you like the new girl, I think you should just give in.

2b) Your girlfriend sounds like she has supportive friends and family. You cannot be fettered to a relationship because you are afraid of hurting her. Think of it like making a career move, you should not stay at your old job because you feel obligated to help your boss and not make him feel bad even though you hate your work conditions. This is you right now. You cannot worry what will happen to the company/business if you leave the job, life goes on and you are not responsible for how others choose to cope with their emotions.

If you're that good looking then you should've developed the social skillset to handle this type of situation long ago is my two cents. Your straightforward and assertive that you claim are not showing themselves in the decisions that you are currently making. So godspeed I hope you put that straightforward and assertive nature to work in your own personal relationships. You certainly need it instead of being the wishy washy fool you are right now.

>>18129442
Damn that's crazy. Ok OP do you want to stick with your old car and drive it while living in fear of it breaking down or do you want a new car without any problems?

>>18124027
Good Luck

>>18129466
My old car is a million dollar old-timer which just has a hard time now and needs maintenance which I can't provide but maybe my friends and everyone together can.

This new girl is amazing. My old girl used to be just as amazing.
I don't know whether I like the new Rolls Royce more than the 1930 Bentley Speed Six.

Look, my friends have been amazing. They don't judge me, they know I've done everything I can for years now. They knew it would have to happen at some point but they're all asking to give it one last chance and they're all going to be helping.

It's hard and maybe just wrong to just tell them no and leave right now.

>>18124276
> in stories of folks who improved their marriages, it almost universally included one partner pushing themselves to have more sex until it became more fulfilling and required less pushing
This is true. When my BF and I first started having sex it'd always be at his parents or our house were roommates were present (we didn't have much privacy back then). I felt weird doing that with someone nearby, even if they were asleep or so far away that they probably couldn't hear us. My BF and I had a few arguments about my sex drive but nothing worked until we finally got a place of our own. Now we have sex almost everyday and I enjoy it. We have more freedom to be spontaneous and go around the house.

>>18124321
>if she just doesn't have the physical reaction and mental state I can't change all that much about it
This is also true. Sex should actively involve both partners (otherwise you might as well be banging a highly detailed sex doll). I wasn't interested in changing so sex was difficult for a while. Once I became more comfortable with our surroundings though it's much better.

My story obviously won't help OP but I just thought I'd emphasize some points brought up.

>>18124028
>starting post by blaming girlfriend for having burn outs for work
>ending post by admitting cheating on girlfriend
>qualifying it with bs like "oh it was just kissing"
>"hurr durr should I begin emotionally on my girlfriend to see if I should dump her"
>"I'm at a loss guiz XD"

Protip: Kill Yourself. Am not joking. Kill yourself.

PS: Headhunting is for talentless people. Especially for attractive women. If at all related to healthcare or finance field, at least 70% of this woman's worth as a headhunter is her attractiveness and ability to network. You're not poaching elites by bullshit linkedin messages alone. But then again, none of this career stuff really matters, you're just using it as an excuse to justify what you've done.

Five years man. Down the drain. Because you are a weak man.

>>18130963

Congratulations you have read one of 150+ posts in this thread and you've got a complete judgement ready.

If you had read this thread you'd know that she's built up and sold several companies which distributed world-wide, has lived in a fuckton of different countries and has only just got back to where I live. It's also not just about what she does now, she's already working on a new business at the same time to do on the side.

Your XD and completely irrational response really doesn't make sense compared to the rest of this thread. If it really was that simple the thread would have had 10 responses telling me to gtfo instead.

>>18130963
Also implying high-end headhunting happens via LinkedIn.

To lower myself to your level for a sec: TOP KEK MATE

>>18124119
Is she catatonic or something what the fuck is wrong with her?

>>18124225
If you guys don't care about kids you could always just consider a vasectomy and/or getting her tubes tied.

>>18132060
I care about kids. Not in the next 3-5 years or so but the option has to be there.

>>18132058
Hard to explain how she is. She's pretty good at putting up a mask when she's at work or other people but when she gets home she just collapses.