I am fucking hammered. Spent the last few hours getting drunk

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I am fucking hammered. Spent the last few hours getting drunk and eating dinner. I was ready to die before dinner, thought i would pass out and asphyxiate drunk before the pasta cooked enough to eat. But here I am, stuffed and even more drunk than before. I am so sick of life. At 25 years old i just want to pass away in such a fashion that my parents are only bothered for a few years at most.
Thinking, if only he got better drug counseling he might still be alive.
My parents and tutors always told me how smart i was but i always knew it was a bluff to boost my confidence. I never learned what i was good for. I certainly tried. I tried computer programming, ive used linux for the past 10 years, at least, it wasn't something i could contribute to. I tried hiking but realized a single white male hiking makes other people nervous. I tried having friends, going home feeling embarrassed or iniquite every night is far more trying than simply being alone. I tried doing hard drugs, i couldnt really afford it or i really didnt like the way it made me change. I feel so old, i am so tired of trying. I just want to die without dying. I am so sick of this feeling every night and day. I dont want this anymore but im so scared i would regret killing myself.

I've been in rehabilitation, both drug and theraputic, it doesnt help me ground myself. I try everyday to reach a meditation like feeling i used to be able to acquire so easily. I literally feel like scrambled eggs and i'm so scared to show it because people dont accept me even when i am trying to keep it together. I am so fucked what's next i'm trying so hard but i see no future except what is availble in the worst of situations.

God, if you exist. Please send help.