Long distance relationship

continued: Here’s the hardest one of all to put simply, it is a root perception that you give off to me, you act like this entire relationship should revolve around you, what I mean by that is as explained above and it takes form in many different small instances and behaviors you exhibit in everyday conversation. I know this is not easy to read. But you have to understand that this is the conclusion I came to after all of this. I know it’s not true, it can’t be and that is why I still have faith in us. I know you feel the same way about how I act too sometimes, but I simply mirror exactly what you do to me. Your response when it gets heated is always something like that, that I am only thinking about myself. I want you to do some REAL self-reflection. If it isn’t obvious this is how I see it: You tell me to change: at first: I resisted and thought you were only thinking about yourself——— After changing: I realized you only wanted to help me and I am actually better for the change despite not understanding why i would be at first besides your benefit—————— I tell you to change: you resist and think that I am only thinking about myself————— After changing: ??? Because you never have from my requests——————— The reality of your changes: YOU change from people who are close and around you, which is why I always laugh and say “out of sight out of mind” because when I am out of sight, and rabbit doesn’t count, I am out of your mind, you only change and do things at the request of those around you in the physical world and NEVER from me. This makes me feel incredibly powerless in our relationship which is ultimately why I wrote this, because we are imbalanced. That was more than five sentences but this has been a long time coming.

continued: Why do I think this will work: Well you taught it to me sort of indirectly, this formula if you will for relationships, that love does mean trust, but also the willingness to do anything for the other person in the context of making ourselves more comfortable in the relationship even if we really, and i mean really, do not want to. I think that I have proven to you that I am willing to do this for you, and you might hate this but… If you love me, if you really love me, you will do the same. But changing habits is hard. To change my habit of smoking weed I had to disassociate myself from everyone in my life who smoked weed. Which unfortunately most people. And I despaired. But after all this time I realize that if I want a constant in my life, like you, that I should not be afraid of blowing the dust that was the past into the winds of time. I hope that makes sense.

continued: You know, and I know that this is never instant, relapses happen. But without the effort there is no reason to go on. Mistakes should be punished, but forgiven for these relapses, to an extent of course depending on the severity of the mistake. This is how I was treated from you and it worked. I am just doing the same because I believe in the madeline that taught me this lesson. You tell me she is not gone, you tell me you are the same madeline. You keep asking me what do i want from you, what do I want you to do. The answer is complicated but put simply “I want you to prove it”, how can you prove it? By taking your own advice and staying true to those values that you once passed on to me and the values that made you so much more than a normal woman in my eyes, what made me fall in love with you, deeply, passionately, forever, in love with you. How can I put this value as simply as possible as I see it, because I really don’t think you remember it. The value goes something like this “my eyes will be your eyes, my heart will be your heart, my feelings will be your feelings… your actions will be my actions, I will listen, I will not fight, your word will be scripture and I will study it. you are my goddess, you are my guru, I am worth loving because I will tell you the truth always, especially about how I feel about you.” I think it can be simplified down to the last sentence that “I am worth loving because I will tell you the truth always, especially about how I feel about you”. Of course this is an ideal value. We are both not perfect in this. I think you used to be but maybe I’m wrong and even that’s okay because I still love you because I know you will want to strive to this with me.

conclusion: I think the biggest problem we face day to day with this is that when I tell you the truth of how I feel, and I try to, every day, the only noteworthy times to you, and I admit to me too, are when the feelings are bad. When we request change of the other person. Which I think narrows down the value even more to instead say that we should accept the change with complete selflessness, that we should both be as selfless as possible when it comes to one another. I think that is love, and I hope you will agree."


I'm sending all of this to her later... any advice??

>>18108549

Yeah nah literally dont send any of that to her. I didnt even read it. Just dont. Trust me on this one. If you cant sum all that faggy shit up into a simple sentence or two then just call her and talk like a normal human being.

Writing a light novel is a bad idea in any context and especially this one. Sum it all up short and sweet then try again.
And for the love of Christ it looks like someone just copypasted the entire manuscript of Lord of the Rings on this goddamn

>>18108534
You sound like a faggot. No wonder your relationship is failing. Long distance always does. It's not real anyways. Move on like she has.

>>18108534
Just read this.

>Stop going out drinking, hanging with friends and questionioning it.
>Just do as I say

That's controlling as fuck. She deserves better, you're being rediculous

>>18108549
Seems like your first relationship. Talking about your feelings like that does nothing good. Your text says "you make me feel so damn insecure and weak". Didn't even read it but I smell it. That doesn't do any good for you or for her. Give a quick breakdown what makes you cry your heart out anon. You shouldn't be doing this with a gf, but with your bros here on /adv/

>>18108549
Yeah. Of course she is only influenced by the people around her. This isn't a real relationship.. you're a pen pal. People have needs (even besides sexual) and you don't meet even the basics to be a friend let alone a boyfriend. I'm sorry that sucks to hear but that's why these don't work.

You can't hold her or let her see your face or take her places or just relax together and hang out.

You know she's not as invested in this as you. Save yourself some pain and start to back out. It won't even be a real break up. She'll just slowly stop talking to you. Especially if you push her to do something without any percevable rewards to changing. (A happy emoji from someone online is basically all she gets for losing fun and friends)

Aside from the fact that you've written way beyond what's necessary, requesting your SO to change in the aspects you are requesting is not okay. If you two can't be together without constantly trying to change who each of you are, then there's really no sense in being together at all. I'm not gonna tell you LDRs don't work, because sometimes they do, and at this point the distance is entirely irrelevant. You two are not good for each other, your lifestyle differences are too great and you need to accept that and move on.

>>18108534
Yeah just demanding someone change without questioning it just because you want them to is not an okay thing to do in a relationship. If you want her to change, you need to be able to explain why, you need to be able to convince her to see thigns from your perspective whilst simultaneously trying your best to see why, from hr perspective, she should NOT change. Only by understanding each others' perspectives on the matter can you even begin to work towards a solution that both of you are okay with.
This is coming from a 5 year relationship where 3 years have been long distance. Demanding change is not okay. you claim to love someone but you want them to change who they are and what they do without any objection... doesn't sound like love to me.
>hat love does mean trust, but also the willingness to do anything for the other person in the context of making ourselves more comfortable in the relationship even if we really, and i mean really, do not want to.
Yeah that's not what love is, that's what being a controlling fuck is. It sounds like she's been controlling of you in the past and that was wrong, but that doesn't justify you doing it back. My girlfriend has requested that I stop seeing one of my female friends because it made her jealous. according to you, I should have just stopped seeing said female friend. I refused, I pointed out that my gf being jealous was an issue she had to deal with, and we discussed ways in which I could help her feel less jealous. We ended up having my gf meet the female friend in person. Me and said female frineds are closer than ever and will be living together next year with another guy. My gf occasionally messages female frined for casual chit chat about girl things and is completely fine with me living with her. Sometimes you don't need to change, you need to work together to find a solution you can both deal with, and sometimes that ends up with a better solution than each of you just screaming NO YOU CHANGE.