/adv/ how do you deal with not being able to bond with other

Bump? Anybody..?

>>18103325

I had the same problem mate.

No idea how to solve it tho, maybe just hang in there and try doing new stuff?

By the way, I haven't done shit about it. Still waiting for a miracle.

>>18103325
how to depen friendships:


>Stress
>Time

lets start with
>stress

stress brings people together. its the reason soldiers come back from overseas feeling like they are brothers. the reason teenagers make really strong friendships so fast is partly because they think everything is stressful. they think everything is hard, and the end of the world, and dramatic. they get emotional about everything. and they share those emotions with each other and support each other and quickly become the best friends ever. even if the stress is imaginary, you can still bond over it.

now stress doesn't have to be bad, and it can be manufactured healthily. by which i mean, you can do things that require more effort than just hanging out and chilling.

Got a really good co op game? play it with your friend. play it til the end. beat the game together. go camping together. go on a road trip together. make a movie together, write a book together, anything that makes you work together. something more than just sitting around and chilling. enter a contest. find a friend and do anything that takes at least a few months to complete and keeps you close.

>>18103458

another thing is
>time

now i dont mean spending years together. cuz many people who have known each other for years only know each other superficially.

the truth is that most 'friends' in adulthood meet at max once a week. they use each other simply to relax or have fun. its usually in a group, but even the 1 on 1 time is shallow. you talk, catch up, then go back to your own lives.

someone can know someone for six years and not beclose.

on the other hand people who share the same job and work together daily become REALLY fucking close. or the person you go to school with. or like when you are a kid, spend a lot of time wtih, 1 on 1.

in a group people are less likely to share private details. one on one, they are. less to be embarassed about. people dont share secrets with groups. they share it with one person.

dont be afraid to have an adult sleepover if you can convince someone. the above mentioned roadtrips, camping trips etc. are also great ways to bond. anything that can you hanging out for a full day instead of just the lunch chunk of the day.


finally a third thing im adding
>share

if you want people to open up, you have to open up first. share something personal. you have to be willing to go to someone with a problem and talk about it, but dont whine regardless of the advice. you can say' i dont need advice, i just need someone to listen and to care'. if they are worth being your friend they will. they might share their own experience. and next time they have a problem they might come to you.

good luck hope it helps

>>18103458
>>18103459
When is it ok to mention any of those stressful things? I feel like I shouldn't say them to people I don't know, like I'm just burdening them.

>>18103473

there's no strict rule. depends on what stressful thing and how close you and the other person have become.

people arent all walking around with guidebooks that say whats okay and whats not and laughing about how your copy never got delivered.

>>18103473
>>18103481

also, stop thinking of yourself as a burden. you are not the one bad person in the ocean of normies, it is not your job to protect the world from you, if someone doesn't like you, its their job to get out of the way. you are not wrong for existing, ofr wanting to make friends, for seeing whats out there. .

>>18103325
I have the same problem but it's like after getting to know someone a bit I start disliking them. Idk man.

>>18103484
I dunno, I've had some people I considered close to me just drop contact out of the blue and do some weird shit. Makes me feel like I'm deeply unlikeable past the superficial stuff.

>>18103570

then stop asking for advice, because you're not looking for advice you're looking to lament about how you're some magically awful person who no one can like, thus making you a tragic character of pity instead of just an asshole who needs to get his shit together.

>>18103657
I.. never said those things? But.. ok I think.

>>18103662

>I... never said those things?

you don't have to. most of what people are isn't what they say they are.

you're trying to paint yourself as someone who can't be helped .you come here for advice and when we give you the basic advice of NOT insisting that you are a burden to the world, you deny that, insisting that you are deeply unlikeable.

by doing that you take the blame away from yourself. if you are intrinsically 'wrong' then you are no longer a bad person, you are a sad person, misunderstood. because at least bad people can be fixed.

its like when you tell soemone to stop doing one bad thing and they blow up saying
>YOU'RE RIGHT IM THE WORST PERSON EVER I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT I SHOULD KILL MYSELF

it makes them pity themselves, its a psychological defense mechanism.

>>18103672
Actually it was more like, I'm scared of repeating those instances, because I don't understand why those people did those things.

It sounds like you have more hangups than I do anon..

>>18103676

nope, just been on this board long enough to spot bullshit.

if its your fault, then you need to go work on yourself and fix yourself for the world then.

if its not your fault, than you need to accept that people are always going to be people, random creatures with their own agenda who do what htey want regardless of what you are trying to achieve with them.

deep emotional bonds are not a default. what makes any relationship special is finding the one person you can bond with in particular. so you're going to wade through a lot of people simply not giving a fuck.

>>18103689
I literally expressed my disdain for that stuff in my OP, I'm just scared that once again I'll be pushed by the way side. I'm carrying some heavy baggage, idk if people pick up on it and distance themselves, if they go weird, or what happens. Regardless, I don't like having people I've talked to regularly for years drop contact with me out of the blue, and then go out of their way to avoid me

At the same time, I find it lonely that I can't even express to someone I'm stressed without them turning it into something else.

>>18103713

k