I was uninvited to a party and I don't know how to feel about it.

His birthday was coming up, and I started to get hopeful, even though by that time I was already 2.5 years into my pathetic friendless life and no one had invited me to a social gathering of any description, it seemed as though he would invite me since I always hung out with their clique. The first time I noticed something was off was when he started to invite people, I noticed that he was only inviting people outside the clique, which obviously meant that he had already invited the rest of "our" squad leaving me out. I witnessed him invite multiple people over a few days while ignoring me and then it had sunken in. He either had no inclination to invite me to be friends with me or he did but he didn't want to be associated with me because of my autist reputation which I was unable to shake off because people wouldn't forget about the dumb shit I did in middle school.

When the actual day of his birthday came around, I had nothing to do. This was the same every weekend but this time I felt exceedingly pathetic and worthless. I then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. It wasn't the first time that I wallowed in my self-pity, in fact I did it quite often, which is easy to understand since I am a pathetic loser with no friends. But this time it was different, it was like a semi-traumatic event had occurred in my life over this trivial bullshit and it hasn't stopped haunting me to this day. In the days following his birthday I felt empty, couldn't enjoy any of my hobbies and just contemplated suicide semi seriously and cried silently in my room like a pathetic beta cuck. Sometimes I even started crying on the street when I was going shopping for groceries, but it was very subtle and I doubt anybody would actually think that I was legitimately crying, I appeared composed so it probably looked like I had something in my eye.

File: james.jpg (26KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 600x600px

>middle school

Part 3 (forgot to say part 2)

This shitty state continued for two weeks and I decided that it was time to better myself. I thought that if no one in my class was inclined to be friends with me, I could just get in touch with one of my former friends with whom I ended my friendship on kind of good terms. This guy was always asking when we could hang out every time we made small talk when we ran into each other, so I thought that I might be able to do something with him. I send him a facebook message and he immediately decided that we should go out for drinks, so I obliged.

When we went out for drinks I got the impression that this guy never even had any inclination to be friends with me, and that he just hung out with me out of sympathy for my asocial autistic life. It was the first time in 2.5 years that someone willingly invited me anywhere but I felt more alone than ever. When we finished drinking and went out to eat something, I noticed something peculiar. There were some autistic (not in the literal sense) dudes waiting in line, and I knew these people from high school. I always used to roast and resent them, but even they had friends. They were able to maintain relationships and have enjoyable lives while I was enduring complete misery because of my ineptitude. I suddenly began to feel incredibly inferior, and strong feelings of self-hate set in. I started to lose all of the confidence I had left, and when I got back home I couldn't sleep for 72 hours. I couldn't listen to music, read, play games or watch something during this time either. It was just three entire days spent in self-loathing misery with bathroom and food breaks.

Now that a year has passed, I still wallow in my own self-pity and self hate on a pretty regular basis, and I still think about this incident.

Please help me.

you need the aid of a counselor to help get a grip on your crippling self-worth/self esteem issues.

this anecdote itself is meaningless in face of the larger problem of your strength of personal identity.

>>18065301
>This shitty state continued for two weeks and I decided that it was time to better myself.

this also indicates a misunderstanding of priorities.

>>18065324
So the gist of what you're saying is that I should try to sort out my self hate before I try to be a normal, well adjusted and properly socialized human being.

high school friendships are cheap and stupid. i promise you that the moment you graduate you will be able to make friends with people you never even considered interacting with.
school year's almost over, so it's probably too late to join clubs, though if there are any like that at your school you should check them out. even something stupid like an anime club can at least be a jumping off point for friendships. if you aren't working you should get a job, you can make friends there and hang out with them at school. do other social shit like that over the summer too.

also, i know you said you don't have any anxiety disorder but you certainly could. i was in denial about it in high school too. talk to your school counselor or a doctor

>>18065335
>high school (where young people conglomerate) friendships are cheap and stupid
but
>college friendships (where people that are a year older then these highschool cucks conglomerate)
not cheap and stupid?

>>18065332

yes and no.

your world view is a bit broken.

There is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, but your immediate next declaration had nothing to do with bettering yourself. instead you ran to the (perceived) safety of past relationships.

actually bettering yourself is more along the lines of understanding why such a thing hurt you so deeply and why it holds such a huge place in your life, and assigning an appropriate perspective to it. like >>18065335 says

>>high school friendships are cheap and stupid

is more right than wrong. Highschool is a crucible where you have a chance to make some really loyal friends in the fire of the forge. most of us dont, though because not only you but everyone else isn't really developed as a person, or exposed enough in life experience to know how to keep a friend like that.

but your anecdote shows signs that this is not a quick fix, or a change in perspective on one issue, this is a core characteristic that has taken a while to set in, so I suggest engaging in some kind of professional help for at least a while.

and don't be down on yourself. The number of people who are actually 'good' at this are small.

fake it til you make it, and all that.

>>18065301
>l. I always used to roast and resent them
come on now. You wan't to be liked, but you hatethe others like you? It seems to be the center of your problem. Also, what you felt in that bar is not justified by the context you gave. It seems like some legit emotional disorder, so go see a psychologist/psychiatrist

>>18065423
Well of course I hate those like me, I don't even exempt myself from my hate.

>>18065434
only you have no idea whether they are actually like you.
Plus, I would despise a person hating others for no good reason. Maybe that's what the others think of you.
Talk to a specialist, nobody here is able to change anything with your life

>>18065363
short answer: yes
long answer: physical development, along with newfound freedom and not being in the miserable stifling public school system means people are much more willing to pursue new relationships and actually value the people they meet

i also never mentioned college but whatever.

>>18065423
He said they were clearly more autistic than him

>>18065483
I perceived them as more autistic than I was, but then I realized that I was a huge shitlord and started to intensely hate myself in my room.

Also
>18
Lol
That feel when I'm 23 and still a virgin with not many friends. And yet I don't have that bad of a life. You need to stop overreacting and caring about some minuscule fucking event. I bet you think your youth is over when you're fucking 18

>>18065496
That sentence was weird at the end but whatever, I'm sleep deprived right now.

>>18065496
Well perhaps they indeed were more autistic, but also more likeable. I know those feels, but you shouldn't pay heed to them. Try to help those who seem to be less fortunate than you, not judge them. Less hate, more love m'man

>>18065500
I understand that these problems sound very trivial but keep in mind that
> I don't talk to anyone other than my family during winter and summer breaks (a total of four months)
> My relationship with my family isn't exactly the healthiest and I don't feel comfortable talking to them.
>During periods when I have school I only go out of the house in order to get to school
>Social life amounts to small talk and cracking jokes a few times every workday

>>18065518
Doesn't sound overly dramatic. Just try to be more social in college. I fucked that up, but it's not the end of the world either and I did socialise A BIT lel.

I am 25 years old, quite ill - to the point where I haven't left my house in a year & I think my self as more 'content' then we I was 18 and healthy. What I learned is how to be 'vulnerable' to others and at the same time being prepared to not hate my self if some hurts me. Before I engage with some one I try to calm myself, I think "you can't hurt me only I can hurt me"

You need to confide in someone to externalize your immense pain and - maybe you can find some one to listen to you via random p2p Webcam sites - who are they going to tell, right?

Also you can look up a self help/philosopher name 'Eckhart Tolle' via YouTube, he help me and his video are short.

"If you can't not live with yourself there must be 2 of you"