What is wrong with me? Why can't I do it?

Your life can't be as bad as you think it is, Whenever someone is severely suicidal, they always try to look at everything as worse as they can see it, The truth, probably, is that you are in a bad spot and just need to find something to better your life. You not being able to kill yourself is you showing yourself you really don't wana do it, that somewhere, there is something you can do to make your life better. If you need new friends, play online games and make some online friends. Talk about this with your family instead of hiding it and letting it build up. Look through your IRL friends list and see if you have any friends you can talk to and, if so, talk to them about it too. This is usually what happens when someone is depressed, and they don't do anything about it, don't talk to anyone about it, and let it bottle up inside. And you are probably just paranoid about the neighborhood.

>>18063085
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

>>18063085
There's nothing wrong with you Anon. You're in intense pain. Talk about this openly with your family and friends. You're not alone. I feel like this often and I've also tried killing myself a few times. I even ended up in a psychiatric hospital. For me, what helps is to keep talking about how I feel with those I love because it's out of my head. If I let these thoughts sit in my head, it's like poison and whatnot. Talk about it anon and even though you won't agree with me, you're worth it. You're a beautiful human being.

>>18063210
>>18063474
My biological siblings died of natural causes before either of them reached the age of two when I was five & nine, respectively. My biological father is a known sexual assailant. My adoptive father left while I was in middle school (probably because of how much of a disappointment I was). My best friend of 9 years just suddenly isn't talking to me anymore, and she was one of the people that helped keep me grounded. We shared everything, and she knew about this, and now suddenly as of last year silence, and her friends basically told me to fuck off, so I messed up somewhere there. Family moved from every place when I got friends, because I'm socially inept and it takes forever to make friends, so all my college and high school friends are back halfway across the country with jobs and careers while I am stuck in Georgia in a historic city where there is gun violence and murders at least once a month. I worked towards a degree in Geology and still can't get a real paying job after a year, I can't LiveStream/YouTube/Twitch to save my life because, again, socially inept. Of course when I try to go through with it I am reminded of how much it would damage the family, both emotionally & financially. Pretty much am deleting my Tumblr (which I only got to keep in contact with certain friends, now I feel worse and STILL lost contact), I can't sell artistic commissions due to lack of skill, I can't do animations. I've been talking to therapists for ten years, and have been on anti-depressants for as long. I feel like I've just manipulated the people around me into feeling pity & trapping them like Stockholm Syndrome or something. And I don't know how to talk about this to them because when I do bear my feelings & issues, people leave anyways because I just mess everything up at some point to where it would just be better off if I left to reduce their stress. And what's fucked up is at this point I don't know if this is real or just "venting" as some say.

>>18064257
And I hate talking about this because it feels like I am just a badly-written OC edgy Mary Sue or something

Tl;dr mate.
It's clear to me from your extensive venting that you overthink everything in life, and are your own worst critic. Stop trying to please everyone around you and just do whatever the hell you enjoy, I guarantee you'll be happier once you take other peoples opinions out of the equation and ironically enough people will like you better when you stop caring what they think. Drop the notion that your existence needs to be validated by other people, because we're all equally as flawed and unworthy of passing judgement on each other.