I posted this on /r9k/ first, and someone told me to post this

give me money

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>>18060627
You need to incorporate value into yourself. Even just the act itself, that you are one at the helm, striving to do SOMETHING, creating a change in your life, can revolutionize your way of mind.

Consider what drug addicts in rehab do. They paint pictures, are told to create things, share ideas and stories with one another. These are people at the lowest points of their lives. Why do you think this is what the rehabilitation centers have them do these things? Why do you think exercise is widely renowned as an effect depression relief?

It is because the world is a beautiful place, one in which you have absolutely no idea the effect you can have until you really, really want something, until you make the change yourself and see how YOU are the one that affects the outcome, and how you feel. Go to the gym, pick up an instrument. Improve your body with sun and the right types and amount of food and exercise. Good luck anon, there is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help.

>>18060627
>I hate myself and I don't know why
Hi anon. I was you years ago.
I would see myself as a piece of shit little nigger that would never amount to anything, people would always think less of me, everything sucked, there was no hope and I wanted to kill myself regularly but I had family that would have been devastated so I just sat there and waited.

It doesn't really go away however. I went to therapy (r9k is against therapy but don't listen to them) and I realized that it came down to a number of things:
- feeling that whenever I failed my entire worth as a person was reconsidered
- having trouble with self-worth because I had been bullied in vthe first place
-overprotective mother that never let me deal with how to fail and would either do it for me or berate me and tell me to never do x or y again
etc
Basically your entire life story has made you into what you are now. It's not really your fault you feel this bad. However what you do with it kind is? It felt daunting to be so responsible for myself but on the other hand it was liberating. My mom didn't care about how I felt, just that I was a good boy. My sister didn't really care, I mean, she tried to listen but she was bad at it and just only on her terms etc. So I realized I had to do it, and stop caring what they thought.

And I know you say that you don't care about being happy now but that's because you believe you don't deserve to be happy. I'm not saying you need to chase highs and stupid shit but at least being able to deal.

sorry for the blog post

>>18060627
Man up and seek help from professionals instead of asking for help on image boards where people come to jerk off.

Who are you - the person that you hate? Because you are not the just things you have or don't have, nor are you the things you have or have not done. You are not your mistakes nor achievements, nor your flaws, nor intentions. You are not just your ancestors descendent. You are the voyager spirit captaining this vessel of a body you inhabit, and you are the one that makes each tiny and grand decision in this life. You move matter and divert energy through space and time by sheer willpower alone; the mere thought of "I will" can change what you learn, what you're capable of, the very foundation of your character. This world is strange and living in it is no easy task, and the roads are not clear, but every bit of knowledge you gain lights something that was before dark and unclear. You don't hate yourself anon, you hate the position you find yourself in, your circumstances, how you feel you lack the proper tools and knowledge with which to move fluidly through life. You will only move and your position rectified if you desire it, if you will it. You must strive after change, and carve your life out like a sculpture - chiseled away bit by bit from the potential of the future. You are yet young, there is much time to adjust your sails to the winds of circumstance and change your course. Yearn for that change, anon. See the goal, see yourself the way you want to be, and you will begin the long crawl to get there. The hopelessness and despair you feel stems from the worry that things can not change, can not be bettered, that to try is folly. But I tell you: the future will not be as things are now, and you will not remain as you are now.

OP here. I appreciate all the responses in this thread. I'm thankful all of you took the time to respond.

>>18060649
>>18060647
>>18060734

Thank you for your advice. I know it'd be a lie if I said I was going to fix myself overnight, but you ansewred when I screamed for help. I appreciate that so much. I am going to read what you've said to me every day this year, because, honestly, I can't find anything, so I can't find anything that tells me not to. Thank you.
If I find a way, I will be back here to try and help other people, the way each of you tried to help me.
thank you.

what worked for me was a load of 2c-e and an hour long mediation sesh
i realised that the concept of an identity is just something to help society run smoothly
try to look at the bigger picture, 'you' are a part of everything
when your identity starts to become that of the universe then everything is equal
take a good horror film for example, the characters aren't having the best of times but the film remains enjoyable because 'you' aren't the characters

meditate for at least 30 minutes a day
experience self hatred as much as you can because it's life