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can't move on

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hello /adv/ let me start out by telling you that im a 29 year old female and I had a rather poor introduction to sex/intimacy. When I was a teenager I was manipulated by someone who from my adult prospective, was in all likelyhood a psychopath of some sort. he was very abusive to me while we dated, both physically aned emotionally. he was also, my first and only love. This isn't a typical sexual abuse story though, on the contrary, he would tell me he loved me, but we would never have sex. We would sleep in the same bed, but would never fuck.Keep in mind, im objectivity attractive, by society's standards, so it was even more weird. Anyway, it gave me a complex about sex where I thought virginity was the worst thing in the world, and I absolutely HAD to get rid of it. Anyway, this boyfriend ended up dating this other girl WHILE we were dating who was also attractive, but in a really different way. He broke my heart, big time. He made me feel the worst I have ever felt in my life. After the breakup, I ended up having sex for the first time, on the floor of a hotel bathroomwith an older man who I met online. That was it. That was how I lost my virginity.

Meanwhile,my now ex boyfriend still continues to flirt heavily with me, and I'm still in love with him, so I flirt back. It actually culminated in me having sex with him AT his house while his girlfriend was at work.About a year later, he stopped talking to either of us.

In retrospect, I'm really not happy with how I behaved. I felt incredibly manipulated the entire time. It was the worst oneietis I've ever had, but it was also abusive as fuck.

Since then, I've been completely turned off from sex or intimacy with anyone. It's scary because I'm almost 30 and I worry I will end up alone, I just can't bring myself to feel anything but endless depression and hopelessness about the situation.
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Yea it sounds like your love life is completely fucked. Idk how someone can recover from that. I'm sure you had a rough childhood, but honestly I think you should just quit relationships if that's all you've got to show for after 10+ years of dating. :(
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>>18060578
I pretty much have.
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>>18060587
I'm sorry. For some people it's not in the cards. And in my experience emotional issues compound as you get older, instead of sorting themselves out as I imagined.
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>>18060573
ever thought about therapy? you might think its not for you but if you have never tried you will never know.
Its very hard for us to help you in your situation. All i can say is that i have been in a abusiv realtionship too and the only person who can help me feel better about myself is me. Telling other people about what happened is not going to change how you feel about yourself and your past.. it just leaves them speechless and uncomfortable...
Go and do something that builds up your self esteem and self worth is all i can say. It wont magically be better its going to be a long process and you have to get ready for it
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>>18060642
Want a dick
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>>18060619
i agree. btw, i have had significant others in between the time I was abused, and now, but I never felt comfortable enough around them to be intimate or emotional in a real way.
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>>18060573
>Keep in mind, im objectivity attractive, by society's standards
My fucking sides
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>>18060573
You have to dig yourself out of that hole you are in. The hole of depression. Who cares that you lost your virginity to tinder date! Forget about it and move on. Life goes on. Start dating, having fun, enjoying your life, and that is how you will climb out of that hole we call "depression". Good luck! You can do it!
Thread posts: 9
Thread images: 1


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