can't move on

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hello /adv/ let me start out by telling you that im a 29 year old female and I had a rather poor introduction to sex/intimacy. When I was a teenager I was manipulated by someone who from my adult prospective, was in all likelyhood a psychopath of some sort. he was very abusive to me while we dated, both physically aned emotionally. he was also, my first and only love. This isn't a typical sexual abuse story though, on the contrary, he would tell me he loved me, but we would never have sex. We would sleep in the same bed, but would never fuck.Keep in mind, im objectivity attractive, by society's standards, so it was even more weird. Anyway, it gave me a complex about sex where I thought virginity was the worst thing in the world, and I absolutely HAD to get rid of it. Anyway, this boyfriend ended up dating this other girl WHILE we were dating who was also attractive, but in a really different way. He broke my heart, big time. He made me feel the worst I have ever felt in my life. After the breakup, I ended up having sex for the first time, on the floor of a hotel bathroomwith an older man who I met online. That was it. That was how I lost my virginity.

Meanwhile,my now ex boyfriend still continues to flirt heavily with me, and I'm still in love with him, so I flirt back. It actually culminated in me having sex with him AT his house while his girlfriend was at work.About a year later, he stopped talking to either of us.

In retrospect, I'm really not happy with how I behaved. I felt incredibly manipulated the entire time. It was the worst oneietis I've ever had, but it was also abusive as fuck.

Since then, I've been completely turned off from sex or intimacy with anyone. It's scary because I'm almost 30 and I worry I will end up alone, I just can't bring myself to feel anything but endless depression and hopelessness about the situation.