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Advice on trying to date a classmate

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Hi /adv/, I was hoping for some perspective on how I can romantically pursue a girl that is in one of my history classes.

For perspective, there are only 20 people in the class, and it is entirely discussion based with the whole class facing each other in a circle. I haven't had a "crush" on someone in over two years - finding a girl I like is very rare. What drew me to her was how insightful and intelligent she was in our class discussions.

I am interested in her, and would like to get to know her better, with the intentions of dating her, however I feel like it's a very risky (albeit more romantic) proposition to tell her how I feel and ask her out with the way gender relations are nowadays. If she wasn't interested in me, I don't want her to just say yes because she feels cornered since we're in the same class - rejecting me and then having to see each other in class I can imagine would be uncomfortable, and I wouldn't want to cause her discomfort. (kind of a "don't shit where you eat" argument) I also can imagine that for a lot of girls, it's annoying for guys to hit on them when they're just trying to live their life, and I don't want to be that guy.
Wow check out this quint quints

I (in a totally, non-creepy stalker fashion) found her on facebook and saw that we share so many interests (further making me think that there would be real potential - making me really want to play it cool and not blow it)

I'm not a bad looking guy - and I would say that we are in the same league. I talked to a couple of my girl friends about it and their advice was to wait until midterms, form a study group, and then ask her to come to the study group; in the meantime, do subtle things to try and get her (or her subconscious) attention - like walking into class reading a book by the author she likes, or taking off my headphones as I walk into class and they're playing music that she likes, let her catch me checking her out (in moderation) etc.
However, I feel like this is all so fabricated - I don't want her to like me because she thinks I'm the kind of person who reads the author that she likes. I also think it would be silly to form a study group, because I wouldn't really talk to her one on one, and there would be very high odds she wouldn't even show up to the study group (and I'd end up just running a study group for no reason)

For girls on /adv/ reading this, what can a guy in a class with you do to show you that he's interested in you, without being creepy or making you feel uncomfortable to go to class?

If this were the last day of class, I would have no problem going up to her, telling her how I feel and asking her out - but I do not want to wait that long.

I really appreciate any advice you may have.

Don't think that your attention is discomforting.

You are sharing your feelings with someone and she should feel thankful for it.

Even if nothing is guaranteed, go for it, you have nothing to lose.
Thank you - in your opinion I should be direct and tell her that I think she's intelligent, insightful, etc and ask her out? (obviously not necessarily in those words) We've never had a conversation before, so I feel like that could be a little off-putting

Life is not a movie. If you "have feelings" for her just from a couple of group interactions in class, then don't bother. Leave her alone.

Also, great plan, checking interests on Face instead of just talking. That part shows me there's no window for you to approach her normally. Move on.
that's silly. you're acting as if feelings aren't something that grows over time with more interactions - the initial attraction has to exist though, which is what I experienced. In your world, would people only try to pursue romantically someone whom they have known and talked to extensively? Obviously I'm not in love with her, but the interactions that I have had with her have made me attracted to her, and want to get to know her.

Also.. as I pointed out in my (in a totally, non-creepy) that I realize that this isn't healthy, form a relationship behavior - it's no excuse, but it's so rare that I am interested in someone that I wanted to learn more about her.

I would like to talk to her, as you've pointed out, but I don't want to come on too strong or make her feel uncomfortable - I also feel there is little opportunity to talk to her (it's not like I can talk to her in class based upon the class format) other than making small-talk as we're walking out of the building.
>I also feel there is little opportunity to talk to her

That's the point. Dating is Attraction + Opportunity. She doesn't seem to be as attracted as you are AND there doesn't seem to be much opportunity. Too bad, better luck next time.

If you had one if the two, you could try. Without any, it's creepy.
While I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, I think your advice is terrible.

Instead of advising me on how to know whether she's attracted to me, how to get her to notice me, how to initiate friendly conversation, how to make opportunity etc. your advice is just: "Don't try at all - just give up completely."

You would make an excellent sports coach.

Sometimes you can't win. You'll be happier when you realize that and can stop putting energy into pointless things.

As I said, life is not a movie. You like her? Awesome. Doesn't mean she has to like you back. Doesn't mean you are even going to get a chance. The universe doesn't work for you.

My advice is not "give up". It's "learn to pick when to try, and when it will be creepy if you do".
Thank you for your input. I appreciate your defeatist attitude.

You are confusing "empathy" and "self-awareness" with "defeatism".

By your description of the situation, you will come off as a creeper if you approach her.
You're telling me, that if after class ended, and we both happened to be walking the same way, I were to say to her "hey I really liked what you said in class today, that was really insightful" that'd be creepy?

Obviously I'm not going to just go up to her and be like "HEY I LIKE YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME AND MAKE SEX??!1111"

Even if you don't think so, I think there is a way to pursue someone romantically without it being creepy.

To you, no matter what I said or did, it would be creepy to try and get to know her. Again, I think your black and white thinking is terrible advice - and again, I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in, and I will take what you said into consideration.

>Obviously I'm not going to just go up to her and be like "HEY I LIKE YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME AND MAKE SEX??!1111"

You really think people can't tell when you are "interested"?

No need to actually say it, it shows. It already must be showing. And the fact that she is not showing anything back should be your clue that she just isn't into you.

Also, you idealized her enough on your heaf already. Again, that will show and come off as creepy in your interactions. For example: you'll have to keep in mind how much about her you learned in class and how much was just from Facebook.
OP don't worry about that guy projecting his neckbeard. If you can hold a conversation with her, go ahead and start one.

If he could he would have. Have you ever given thought to why sometimes we come off as creeps to girls? Yhis guy is describing a situation for creepiness perfectly.
We've had 3 classes.. The most I've done to show interest in her is look at her for a few seconds every once in a while, in a "I'm looking around the room as people are talking way". It's not like I've been going to sit next to her, talk to her, or anything - as far as I know, she doesn't know that I'm interested in her. I feel that you are drawing all of these assumptions, based up on your previous experiences and loading me with your emotional baggage.

Your argument that she hasn't shown interest back yet is silly, it's been 3 group interactions - beyond that, girls don't make the first move. She could be attracted to me and not have tried to start a conversation with me, and likewise she could not even know I exist and not have created a conversation with me. I do not know.

I think you have a fair point that I have idealized her - and I am aware of that, I'm aware that right now I have her on a pedestal, however I want to get to know her and talking to her would remove this idealized picture I have.

If I had shown interest in her, struck up conversation with her, tried to flirt with her, or anything and she had acted not interested, then I would wholeheartedly agree with you, and that I should move on - but at this point, literally nothing has happened, and you're telling me to give up, which is silly, and defeatist.

Also, it's not like I scanned through her entire FB history, reading every single thing, every picture, I just saw that in her music/books/movies interests we had a lot in common - I cannot even remember the specifics, just that we had a lot in common. Getting to know someone is completely different than just what their listed FB interests are.
>If he could he would have
>If he can he will
I disapprove of your attitude.
Life is not in the past.
Thanks anon

Yeah, sorry, my mistake. By the way you talked about her it sounded like you had spent MONTHS on this.

Dude, dial it the fuck down! You are moving way too fast in your own head. Also, yes, you can sit next to someone and talk to them. It happens all the time. But it's alwayd pretty obvious why you did it, so thread carefully.

The problem here is that you are alreafy obsessing. Sharing a class you'll have plebty of opportunity to talk. But you are making plans and looking for information instead of justtalking. That's how it look creepy.
No problem - my original post wasn't too specific on timeframe (I had figured it'd be understood that it was the Spring semester, so the class had just started)

I agree with you completely that I'm moving too fast in my own head and overthinking the whole thing, but again, it's so rare (and been so long) that I'm smitten by someone that I want to give it my best shot and not blow it (or be creepy and make her feel uncomfortable in any way)

I would obviously play it cool talking to her - but here on /adv/ I'm laying it all out there

The only way that I think I could 'naturally' sit next to her would be to come to class 1-2 mins before it started each time, just so that if she happened to be sitting near the entrance with an empty seat next to her I would sit there (imagine if I were to pass by other open seats and walk across the room to sit next to her haha) but even then it would be kind of weird because people in the class (through no direction) sit in the relatively the same seat each class. I also don't know if sitting next to her would be the best way, as we all sit in a circle facing each other (so sitting next to her she wouldn't be looking at me compared to across from her) and the class is entirely discussion just listening to 1 person speak - so there isn't really room within the class to make chitchat.

I want to talk to her, but it's hard to find something to initiate a conversation with without forcing it unless I'm trying to let her know that I'm interested in her - but once we started talking I would have no problem holding a conversation (or flirting)
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