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What do?

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Married Alpha that is feeling the malaise of a long term relationship. The fire is gone and I literally don't know if I love her anymore.

Literally in love with a married co-worker with kids who does it for me. Haven't told her because I am not certain what I want to do with myself at this point.

Actual advice welcome.
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>>18054937

If you were in love with your wife once, you can get there again if you both work on it. Go on dates, do new exciting shit together, have more sex and intimacy, etc. Marriages die when people stop working on them.
If you (or her for that matter) are unwilling to work on it, then it's better to accept loss and divorce than to cheat on her. Basically it boils down to whether you think your marriage ks something you want to save or if you're feeling more inclined to move on.
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>>18054944
Good points. I have tried working on it but she is content to ignore issues and takes the "it will all work out in the end" stance. Maybe I am being too aggressive or maybe she is being too lax. I can't speak for her
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>>18054944
not worth the effort

>>18054937
break up. marriage is not for us. we just love the intense feelings. just keep fuckin around
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>>18054937
Stop talking to your coworker.
Be honest with your wife and tell her that you're either going to work on it or you'll leave.
Do this: >>18054944
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>>18054977
Ultimatums don't work with 90% of females. Are you married? Doubt that you are if you think that
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>>18054999
not him but, he is correct. if ultimatums doesnt work, it will just drain you in the long run, and you will be frustrated with empty hands, and life will just pass like that. until, only if, someone actually does something. females are shit at getting results for a reason.
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>>18055005
I have been fearing the empty hands endgame. I am not afraid of being alone but I know that at my current age it gets harder every year to find a woman who is a viable mate.
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>>18054999
There is honestly nothing else to do.
If OP already voiced his concerns and she doesn't want to work on it, he has to make it clear that it is a pressing issue and they need to work on it.
I didn't see it as an ultimatum, but he has to make it clear that he's on the verge of leaving.
There is nothing else to do. Either that or breaking up.
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>>18055009
You already have a "viable mate." the spark doesn't stay alive forever. This will happen with literally every person you enter into a longterm relationship at some point. You can't deal with it. You want to fuck around forever and always have "excitement." Nothing wrong with that but you need to not be confused about it.
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>>18054947
Why can't you just do something nice for her because you want to? There's nothing better than seeing the happy face of surprise on a woman.
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>>18055023
Also thought about this as well. I have been doing too much thinking and feeling already. I need action or change. Working things out with my wife won't stop how I feel about the work woman. The love is real but not necessarily mutual as I have not asked yet.
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>>18054937
>Literally in love with a married co-worker with kids who does it for me.
>Literally in love
Really, really doubt it.

Maybe your problem is that you got married before you figured out what actual love felt like.

It's hard to say, though, because you're really being very vague about what your complaints actually ARE. Are you two not having sex enough? Are you not going on dates and doing fun stuff together enough? Are you fighting and arguing a lot? Is she actually DOING (or not doing) anything you have a problem with, or is her behavior basically satisfactory but somehow you're just not feeling that spark of romance or attraction or infatuation anymore?
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>>18055054
We hang out a lot. She would be a friend even if we weren't together. We have an active sex life and that has never been a problem. Attraction comes and goes in any relationship I think. Nobody knows what love truly is being a made up word that describes a shifting emotive/physical/mental state is a shaky ground scenario. I have considered this and should not disseminate things unfairly. I don't remember ever looking into my wife's eyes and getting the same impact as this woman. That is what hurts
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>>18055066
You're right that there's no One True Definition of what love is, but people generally agree there's a difference between love and infatuation. What you're describing is infatuation. An intense crush.

If you haven't had a major fight (actually, two fights -- one each where you were both in the wrong), supported her through a tough time, been supported BY her through a tough time, lived together (or at least spent a LOT of time around each other's private selves), AND most importantly of all, powered through one of those periods where the spark fades and then had it reignite later, then you're not in love with somebody. Not by my standards, anyway.

Now, that doesn't mean you necessarily ARE in love with your wife, either, or even ever were. Although that's very strange to me. You can't ever remember being crazy about her? Seriously? Then why did you get married? How did you end up together in the first place?

I'm not trying to be difficult, just trying to get a handle on your situation. I also still don't understand whether there's something you'd actually like for your wife to DO (as you implied she's not doing when you said "she is content to ignore issues" and "ultimatums don't work") or if, as it sounds, it's just how you feel and it's pretty much out of her hands.
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>>18055083
I have been thinking about this. We have a bond because of some health scares early on. She stepped up and showed she was in it for the thick and thin. My brain references that fact from time to time and I think that I have come to the conclusion that loyalty made me want to get married. Aside from that I am very critical of her sometimes in an unfair way. I won't paint myself as perfect and skirt personal accountability. I am a high maintenance male and an alpha in that I have high expectations of others. Weak people flee from me, strong people survive and thrive as my friends. Some people just like to view me like a Lion at the zoo and try not to debate me. I am aware of my flaws. Looking back, I have felt more sadness than happiness regarding our past.
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>>18055092
Sorry for the pause, I was getting noodles.

I'm not sure what to tell you, man. I know it's obvious, but ultimate you have to decide whether you want this marriage or not. But I can tell you a couple things that'll maybe help your decision.

First off, you need to factor this work woman from your decision. I'm serious. You can call what you feel for her love if you want, I wouldn't, but regardless of what word you use, I can guaran-fucking-tee it's not the kind of love that'll sustain a marriage. Furthermore, *even if* she does have a thing for you, itself not a certainty, the odds are heavily stacked against you ever ending up together -- much more likely is an exciting but tragically short fling that ends in tears. So don't think about that woman. You don't get to have her, not in the way you want. Sucks. I'm sorry. But think about the woman you do get to have.

You've got a reasonably cool woman who likes to hang out with you, who you like to hang out with, who's proven her loyalty and strength of character, and who still finds you sufficiently attractive to fuck you pretty regularly after (from the sound of it) being married to you for some time. That alone sets your marriage above ... I don't know exactly how many, but you're easily in the top 50%. OK, but that's not enough for you -- you don't feel like you *love* her. Fair enough.

cont'd below, sorry for writing so much
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cont'd

Presumably you felt something for her at some point or you'd never have dated her in the first place. If you mentally recommit to her, I can promise you that whatever you felt CAN AND WILL come back. That's not a maybe, that's a guarantee. The infatuation phase comes back. If you ever got all tingly when she touched you or felt butterflies in your stomach when she smiled, you'll feel them again. You just have to wait it out. As you seem to be aware, attraction comes and goes, but really, love is ALWAYS a cyclical process, not a constant. There are periods of "oh my god I'm so in love with you," periods of "okay, I'm not exactly swooning, but you're my pillar of support, I can't imagine life without you" and periods of "Christ, I don't even LIKE you that much right now." It goes around -- but only if you decide that you do in fact want this woman. Keeping your eye permanently on somebody else is a great way to get stuck in the shitty part of the cycle.

It might sound like I'm working up to a "stay in the marriage" answer, but honestly, I'm not. Maybe you decide that you're not willing to wait for the next stage in the cycle, you're just too unhappy. That's fine. Some people aren't wired for marriage. If that's you, I'd just recommend against remarrying, that's all. Or maybe you decide that you never felt anything that strong for her in the first place, there never were any butterflies, there's no infatuation phase to return to. That's also fine. I'm not here to judge you. It's your life, not mine, and as someone who's been married for the better part of a decade and isn't in any hurry to leave despite (several times) nearly getting fed up with that fucking woman, I just want you to have all the information, & to stress that you should be really damn sure before you throw away a pretty good thing. But if that's how it is then that's how it is.

Again, sorry for writing so fucking much.
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>>18055192
OP do this. It's great advice. Don't through away 2 marriages at the same time
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>>18055092
hey OP with the gay nickname. answer to this >>18055178
>>18055192
mofo
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>>18055178
You have given me some solid advice. I know that I am chasing an impossibly unlikely outcome in the work woman. It's stupid and I tell myself that on the daily. I just wish that relationships weren't such stressful and ever changing situations. I can't argue any of your logic. What I do know is that my love/lust/infatuation for/with this woman will probably be a disappointing ending if I push it. She has openly discussed her unhappiness with her husband's behavior and that she went and got divorce papers and was close to ending it. I think that is what made me a bit more curious about the possibility. Then again, I could easily be the guy she is currently with if the rolls/lives were reversed. Sucks to know that I am a dumbass for even considering it but also feel like I could be betraying my own happiness in ignoring it as well. I never allowed myself to get involved with a woman beyond a nod but we just click in a way that is undeniable. I am plauged with dread when I think of hurting my wife to explore this feeling and hurting myself to be rejected. I realize that even if the feeling was mutual we could still end up breaking up and then I would look back at my mistakes and have that to live with for the rest of my life. The flip side is we could actually be "soul mates" and the circumstances are just shit and horribly timed. Fuck this is shit tier living with this right now. I feel like a bastard but I want to be true to myself as well
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This is why you shouldn't go near a guy who uses the term "alpha" seriously, let alone marry him. Same goes for guys who use "beta" as well.
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>>18055359
Of course you'd be "soul mates"... in theory. But once you get with her and her kids and break up her marriage the grass won't be as green as it looked before.

Here's what I suggest...

1 - Look up the 180 and do it. It will either make you more attractive to your wife or you'll be in better shape when you pull the ripcord.

2 - Marriage counseling. If she says she doesn't want to go, go alone and let her know you are going. It will show her you see a serious problem in the marriage. At counseling you will learn (a) how to live with your unhappiness, (b) how to change the situation in your marriage or (c) how to leave the marriage.
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>>18055437
That's a very Beta thing to say Mary
Thread posts: 24
Thread images: 1


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