Need Advice-- Getting along with father

(feel free to skip this)
My mom was usually pretty passive aggressive with me during my upbringing. While she tried her best to stay neutral towards me...my personality is similar to my dad's side of the family. I felt like a constant reminder. He's pretty naturally charming, and I am too. However, I didn't receive any of the negative personality issues (like being a rapist). I inherited her morality and good intentions, but I'm sure it was hard for her regardless. She constantly complained about how my father gave her sciatica nerve damage as a result of the rape, but that it 'wasn't your fault sweetie...'

Anyway, she became a lot more emotionally abusive after I really developed a strong personality. This was around the same age as most kids, ~14 onwards. She constantly threatened to kick me out at 18. She eventually ended up doing so. I was homeless and didn't graduate high school because of her.

RELEVANT

It's really important that I get along with my father. While he did do some things wrong, I think my mother hates me and I don't have her as an option anymore. He's actually trying to be a good dad to me. I feel like a shitty daughter because I don't like going mudding, dirt biking, working on trucks...I just have vastly different interests....

>>18047647
Shit dude usually people ask for advice on how to cut ties with people like... either of your parents really. Especially when personality disorders are involved. Fucked up parents can ruin your life.

I think you can spend time with him and maybe it'll be a good thing but you need to be sure you're competent at setting boundaries. What're you gonna do when he asks you for money or a "loan"? Are you going to be able to say no if he gets evicted and asks to move in with you or something? I think these are really big considerations from an immediate self-preservation standpoint.

How're things going right now? What do you do when you hang out?

>>18047664
Oh also narcissists make shit up ALL THE TIME so I don't mean to be horribly insensitive but have you considered the possibility that he didn't actually rape your mother? Just mentioning that because narcissist parents will do that kind of thing to cut the other parent out and if it's the central rift in your relationship maybe it's worth examining.

>>18047670
She used to make up stuff all the time. Like she used to mention that he beat her, and then SUDDENLY the story changed..'Oh, he held his hand up to me one time like he was going to hit me, bit he didn't.' Whatever mom.

In essence...I never considered that he didn't actually rape her, no. Good point. :O However, with the evidence I just said, he might not have. I'm going to go with 50/50 because he did end up on rape charges later. Who knows. Shit.

>>18047664
Yeah, I've been trying to spend time with him. He just got out on parole last year. To me, he's always been a great guy. He's really gentle and nice to me. He's not as nice to other people sometimes, but I think he's really making an effort to me so I'm happy. We spent Christmas together, and we try to talk at least once a week on the phone.

There's just always this...distance, you know? Like missing rapport....it sucks...Do you know how to fix this?

He wants me to move to his city, but it's several hours away and I need to save money for the move. Of course, he wants me to move NOW even though I have no monie saved. He's really pressuring me to get a car and a house in the country, but I'm a city girl and I want to live downtown. I really do need advice setting boundaries, because he gets excited and he gets extremely pushy. It makes me nervous.

I guess I do need advice setting boundaries. Do you have any? He's just excited to be close and nearby to me, but I don't want him showing up whenever he wants. He's mentioned just showing up at my new apartment whenever...it's an issue...

>>18047689
Well Britt you're a sociopath like your mom so you probably will end up missing out on most of your potential happiness because said stupidity why don't you kill yourself and save everyone in your wake?

>>18047689
Well some people (like those with narcissism or other personality disorders) are pathologically unable to respect boundaries; or will constantly push past them (like my ex with BPD used to) as a form of control and manipulation. As a result, people who've been in abusive relationships (family or otherwise) have trouble standing up for themselves and saying no to people, things like that. I guess you have to first look at yourself and establish whether or not you have problems with that historically.

If you do, then I'd advise talking to a professional about it because this is a tricky situation and it can be really helpful to have an outside third party who knows you and can tell you whether or not you're in the right.

Otherwise, I guess it kind of depends on how reasonable he is or whether he's got some kind of serious personal issue like your mom. Obviously if he's fresh out of prison he's got some issues but I'm talking about things like whether or not you can talk to him without him freaking out or playing games (e.g. "Hey dad it's great that we're spending time together but I can't have you dropping by my place without any notice; it's stressful." should not be met with "okay I'll just go fucking kill myself then"). If he's more like the latter, then you definitely need to seek professional advice on how to limit your relationship with him because abusive people can more or less eat you alive if you don't know how to kick them to the curb when necessary.

But if he's more or less reasonable despite all the troubled background (which is kind of unlikely?), then it should be a matter of just talking to him about it. You could tell him that your experience with your mother is making things difficult and that you need to take it slow, etc. People who love you will respect your boundaries, period.

>As a result, people who've been in abusive relationships (family or otherwise) have trouble standing up for themselves and saying no to people, things like that. I guess you have to first look at yourself and establish whether or not you have problems with that historically.

Wow. I'm amazed. I actually never put this together, but you're totally right! I have a really hard time putting up for myself because of my mother. She used to make fun of me whenever I established boundaries, so eventually I stopped. Thank you! Now that I see the problem, I can work on it and gain some life experience for the future.

>But if he's more or less reasonable despite all the troubled background (which is kind of unlikely?), then it should be a matter of just talking to him about it. You could tell him that your experience with your mother is making things difficult and that you need to take it slow, etc.

He is more or less reasonable, actually. I know it's really unlikely, so I guess I got lucky in this regard. He does have anger issues, so I never told him that she kicked me out because he would DEFINITELY go straight to her house and break stuff. He might actually try to hit her, I dunno. RIP

Thank you so much for the advice.

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>>18047808
I'm glad to help.

I would encourage you to see a therapist or find some kind of group (online or otherwise) for survivors of abusive relationships (some good subreddits for this actually). It's really illuminating to hear elements of your own story reflected in other people's experience and it will help you progress by leaps and bounds. There's often a lot of stuff you might never realize you were doing/feeling when you're just trying to work through it on your own.

>>18047647
>how do I get along with a piece of shit?
protip: you don't.

>>18047874
I mean, my dad hasn't been mean or cruel to me. It seems like prison gave him a lot of perspective. Yes, he's certainly working out his personal issues and he does have an anger problem. However, this stuff has never been directed at me. At worst, he's been a bit pushy regarding the move, and he has money management issues. There's also some cultural issues I wish I could address....but no one seems to know how to help with that so that's fine.