I hate my autistic son

>>18045436
I kind of hope you die.

that's terrible

can you give him for adoption or something , doesn't sound like this is a good situation for anyone

>>18045436
I have a autistic brother.

I only glanced through your post because you've pissed me off.

1) I'm terribly sorry, it's horrible dealing with an autistic child and saddening, for that I am truly sorry.
2) You don't matter. Now that you have had a child, it is your sole responsibility to care for said child no matter what. As soon as you had a child, you stopped thinking about yourself and now have to focus all you attention on him.
3)If you cannot do that, then you probably have to kill yourself because even if you ran away you would still be feeling with the guilt of leaving your autistic son without a father.
4)Look after your fucking child sir.
5)Look after your fucking child.
6)Life sucks, look after your fucking child.
7)You love your child no matter what.

>>18045459
*edit, change sir with madam and mother with father.

Youre an asshole.
But apparently you thought you were ready to have a child. So its your own damn fault.

Also its not about you anymore. Once you have a child, its stop being about you. Your life belongs to your son.

self absorption is a terrible disease
fucking hell please do not have another kid under any circumstance and dump him on grandparents or someone who can give him love

>>18045436
Once you put a child into this world, especially these days where not getting pregnant is a no brainer, you owe it close to everything. No exceptions ...

>>18045465
>>18045459


My life belongs to a screaming shitlord who will never do anything but freak out his whole life. It's unlikely he will be able to live independently.

I wasn't expecting to have some Harvard grad with no problems for a kid.

There's a big difference between committing to the average parenting experience, and committing to doing everything for someone for whom it will never matter. I mean, parenting is a thankless job, sure. Some "normal" kids grow into pretty normal adults and never appreciate their parents. That's fine.

But with him, it feels like all my effort is being thrown into a black hole. He's never going to drastically improve. His life will always be a rapid pattern of extreme distress and some comfort. That's it. No amount of effort can improve his long-term quality of life. It's the same forever. \
I cannot teach him to fish.
I have to fish for him everyday.
He'll never grow.

He's basically a really needy pet.

>>18045479
Go to therapy. Talk about it with your husband.

He's autistic. It is a fact. You clearly didn't want him to be, he didn't want either. It isn't anyone's fault, and it isn't something that can be just fixed.
You have to learn to accept it and be a decent mother, you owe it to him - you brought him into this world and you at least have to make his stay decent.

No child is what their parents wanted them to be. All of us are a delusion for our parents in a way or another. Just learn to accept it and don't ruin that poor kid.

>>18045487

Been in therapy since we even suspected.
Ruin him how? He doesn't seem to have the capacity to become a junkie or some shit. Sure, I could make his behavior patterns worse but damn.

Yeah. Kids are disappointments. But there's a big difference between typical shit: "he dropped out of college but he seems happy in his job so I'm happy" "he has a drug problem but there are resources to help him get better" "he's been arrested but at least I can help with legal expenses"

And

"nothing I ever do will improve him as a person, and it's all just to relieve his stress in the moment."

Jesus this thread is like morality vs science.

A small handful of anons aren't going to change her mind especially when she's heard the same things in life from the professionals and people around her

Have you asked reddit? You'll get a much larger sample size at the very least

>>18045498

Eh, I've talked about it on there, and support forums.
Most moms seem to love their kids anyway, and the ones who have doubts are just shamed to hell because being a hallmark channel ingenue is apparently the only virtue that matters.
Some people on Reddit admit that if things don't change it could be better to put him in the system then let the resentment build to the point that I act with true spite/deliberately sabotage shit.
They might be right.
As for magically becoming a good mother overnight...
Hard not to feel guilty obviously, but being guilted by others isn't super convincing.

Not really looking for approval of random Internet fucks to give him away or keep him or whatever.

But it is astounding how many people don't have any real sympathy for how hard this can be, even people in similar situations.

A disappointment and an animal are not the same thing.

>>18045493
Have you talked about these feelings with your therapist and with your husband?

Being an unloving parent can make his life even worse for sure.
There is no "typical" shit with people, you have to learn it. I am sure my boyfriend's parents had to go through a lot of shit when he was diagnosed with multiple mood disorders and ADHD, I know my parents weren't happy as fuck when I was diagnosed with a genetic illness, but, hey - they lived with it. We all lived with it.
Sometimes there is NOTHING you can do, and you just have to accept that your kid isn't who you wanted him to be. It is hard to accept, but necessary to accept in order to give them the life they deserve.

there are no doubt countless parents who feel this way

but then again I have no sympathy towards any parents, because having children is a shit idea altogether

>>18045510
Hey OP

Sorry that people think calling you an asshole is actual advice. Still, you must raise him to the best of your ability and getting a great specialist was an excellent move on your part. You need to work with your specialist because it will improve his quality of life, and consequently yours. Whilst he will always be autistic, being a poor parent will be returned to you in his poor behaviour. It becomes a question of how you cope with raising your son.

You need to surrender to this. Everytime he screams, shouts, has a tantrum or invites a negative emotion within you, surrender. You cannot escape him, so you must surrender to your situation. Abusing him, or thinking endlessly of how much you despise your son won't help your situation or help you escape it.

Reacting negatively will only increase the negativity he expels. Ask your specialist what to do in the negative situations and if you don't know what to do, don't react at all and surrender to your negative emotion and watch it, realise the silliness of it.

Good luck OP.

>>18045511

Okay.
Yes, obviously. Been going to therapy twice a fucking week JUST for this. Meeting with specialist all the time. Near daily.
Definitely told my husband. He's a therapist, but children/disabled children aren't his specialty. He pretty much agrees with me, but he's over-caring and self-sacrificing. He's also pretty level-headed, so I feel he's capable of being a good father even though he regrets this.

The difference is how much improvement can happen. I have some sorta mood disorder and am also some kind of add, but managing that is a night and day difference. Unmanaged, I'm a fucking wreck. Managed, I'm better than average in terms of career shit at least.
My examples were from real people I have known.
"managing" things for my son isn't a night and day difference. It's not even a dusk and night difference (junkie uncle is now employed junkie uncle). It's a difference in what % of the day is spent freaking the fuck out.

People often talk about how care for the disabled is a very demanding job, and that they couldn't do it for a living. Even people with kids! Amazing!

All i can say is that it sounds like it would be mutually beneficial to all if he was raised elsewhere. And when it comes down to the signing, if there's any fight for the son from your husband at all.

Is the therapy he is doing trying to make him normal (eg: forcing eye contact, stopping stimming, etc) or trying to make him his best autistic self?
Because the way a therapist treats an autistic child will change a lot how well they do with therapy and their ability to cope with stuff and mood etc.
It's also always best to presume competence.
There have been heaps of examples of non verbal autistic children who were treated like vegetables growing up and learning to use ipads to communicate and now say stuff like "yeah I understood everything you were saying around me and it really fucked me up".
I know your child can speak, but just be careful how much you say around him because you might think he's not listening or not caring but he will be.

As for you, parenting a child with extra needs is full on. Is it possible that you can get a break from him for a bit? Maybe a weekend away to recharge your batteries?

>>18045571
Also just because someone is a specalist doesn't mean they know the best way to treat your child. If your gut is telling you something is wrong then there might be. It might be worth looking into that person's method online and see what other people think, especially autistic adults.
Just be careful about their thoughts on ABA. Some of them hate ABA and feel like it was torture. But ABA has come a long way since then and there are good gentle ways to do it. But some ABA instructors are still stuck in the past and do harmful things like force eye contact

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>>18045436
Whatever Satan

Give him up for adoption. At this point it's most likely the only way to save him and yourself.

>>18045571
>>18045573

I think she's probably doing the right thing. I often feel like she lets him do whatever the fuck he wants, but I realize this isn't true. Rather, she does a pretty good job of helping him get through things using what works for him. Balancing that with the need to look as normal as possible in society is difficult, of course.

I honestly think I'm just too emotionally gone. When it comes to the details of daily life between me and my son...I just don't fucking care. I should. I'd like to. I just don't. Example: you're totally right about the watching what you say thing. Intellectually, I know that. I just...can't find a fuck to give.

My own therapy about this feels like it's going nowhere. There is no moral argument. however correct, that can change the way I feel. Drugs that make me more productive at work and at home don't make me any less resentful.

When I was a kid, there was a guy in my highschool who was pretty disabled. Not sure in what way, likely the fragile x sort of autism. He was frustrating to speak with, had violent outbursts, and compulsively kept his left hand on the wall (a behavior he developed in his junior year, thanks horrible sped funding!). But he really liked pirates. For a long time, I didn't think he COULD read then one day he's directly quoting treasure fucking island.
It was very interesting and endearing
On the other hand, it didn't make me want to spend any more time with him.

I worry it will be the same with my son. Even now when he tries to talk about things that interest him it fucking kills me. "You're wrong about that and I can't even tell you so or explain why."

>>18045459
>implying autistics are human

>>18045493
If it makes you feel any better I completely agree with you OP.

My friend said he wanted to be a tard wrangler at school and I was like fucking why? What a waste of your life. I axtually asked if he was joking. He was absolutely shocked at my honesty but he didn't do it. I worked with a high functioning autist in drafting and his breath smelled like shit and he would yell at the computer and slap it.

>>18045600
Just put him in the system. That's the only way his life can ever end up after you're unable to care for him. At least save your own sanity and get out of your life sentence of being chained to a screaming toddler.

>>18045479
Give him to adoption, children really do ruin life, especially those with special conditions like your kid.

>>18045436
god, that fucking sucks. i really, truly sympathize. i dont think you're a piece of shit for feeling that way, and you're doing good by getting it off your chest, at least. im not in any position to give you advice but i hope you find happiness.

>>18045436
additionally i agree with the people saying get rid of him via adoption or whatever, if that's actually an option. sure, people in your life will think ill of it, but fuck them. they have no idea what its like. you gotta do what you gotta do.

>I often think: Is he so stupid/neurodivergent that classic conditioning wouldn't work? I can't make him not care about the car color but surely he'd stop screaming to avoid punishment or get rewarded??

Sounds fine to me?

You shouldn't have had children, autistic or not. The love of mother for child is one of the strongest instincts in the world and you don't even have that. You're completely self-centered. Honestly it sounds like mental issues run in your family and you should have seen this and prevented yourself from getting pregnant under any circumstances as you're simply too broken for it.

>>18045713
>go back in time and don't get pregnant
Awesome advice

You sound incredibly selfish. He never asked to be brought into this world .

put him in the army

I like to think OP is getting her just desserts. Somewhere, somehow, she did something to deserve that kind of fate. I'm kind of glad that some people can experience the full brunt of Dharma

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>...and I hate myself for hating him, but I don't know what to do.

At the same time, you must teach two people how to be High Energy.

Man, this is the scariest thing about having kids to me.

I feel bad for you, OP. I actually applaud your honesty, and I think even outside of kids with these challenges, there are plenty of parents who delude themselves about how much they "love" their kid.

Like the other anon that feels bad, I really don't have any advice for you. It sounds like you're doing your best, and are seeing professionals for any kind of piece of sanity you can get.

Good luck.

On a side note, to all of the "being a parent is the most fulfilling thing you can ever do" fags, this is exactly why we disagree.

Build him a NEET shed, get him addicted to an MMORPG, and he'll sort life out from there.

Worked for me.

>>18046819
Your papa was smart but this isn't the 90s anymore - new times call for new strategies. Go the hell outside, and take him with you. Going outside is the new counter-culture.

>>18045436
So what's the end game here? Is son ever going to be self sufficient or dependant on others? If he will be dependant on others will he be living with you and husband until death separates the family or do you put son in a mental hospital/group home/assisted living earlier? If so what age? And so far as what do? If you hate your son then work at getting him care and avoiding him. If you can make enough money you can hire people who may not actually hate your kid.

Why does /adv/ respond to bait all the time?

>>18045436

Have you considered switching roles with your husband?

If he seems more empathetic and capable, how about having him primarily take care of the kid, and you be the breadwinner?

>>18045436
OP you are living mt greatest fear in regards to having children. I'm with you that if there is an issue for mental or physical disability I would abort. But since Autism can't be detected until later this is my greatest fear. I know that I can be a good parent but I know I can't handle raising and caring for a person until the day I die, with no chance of them improving. In a world of diminishing resources there is no place for dead weight individuals that have nothing to contribute to society and are just there to absorb resources. What good comes from these people, they take, take, take, and give nothing back. If the option is available I would commit your kid and whatever money you would have spent on him and maybe some more should get spent on supporting the ward. At least you can move on with your life and your kid can get the care he needs from people who can take it in shifts. Good luck OP

>>18045445
Abandoning a concious 6 year old child, i think that will fuck him up more th1n having a bitch mom

>>18045436

I had autism and my mother made it very clear she felt the same about me.

Didn't have to say it. Denied it. But actions speak louder than words.

The kid will get better OP. You wont.

I was a right shit as a child. I grew out of it, and she never. To this day if any little thing goes wrong, it must have been my fault.

I barely talk to my fucking family. Hardly a single fucking word.

So congrats, you'll get what you want eventually. The little kid will think the same shit about you.

>>18046874
The kid is already fucked up so this is a drop in the bucket. At least one life can be saved as opposed to having 2 ruined ones. In economics it's called sunk cost and opportunity costs. The sunk cost will continue to grow with no hope of return. If you know this why continue. The opportunity cost has endless possibilities for the mom to live a fulfilling life.

>Bring a human being into the world knowing full well you're mentally ill in the first place and can pass those genes down (and autism is correlated with mood disorder on a genomic level. Not that you would be saved if your son turned out to be bipolar or schizophrenic).
>Self admit that you and your husband are assholes

OP, you remind me of the people who drop a grand on a large parrot which lives to seventy and then ditches it after six months because "WAAAHHH IT BIT ME ON THE FINGER AND IT'S LOUD AND IT WON'T CUDDLE ME AT NIGHT". They end up dead or in exotic animal rescues because humans are fickle retards who don't know what they want when they want it, and realize they fucked up after they receive it.

>I can't make him not care about the car color but surely he'd stop screaming to avoid punishment or get rewarded??

He's screaming because he's overstimulated you retarded ho. EITHER punishment or reward will just stimulate him further and make him scream louder. The best thing for a situation like that is to put him in a hug box. Yes, a literal hug box. That is what they were designed for in the first place: sensory deprivation for autistic kids.

How did you raise an autistic son for six years without understanding sensory processing disorder? My word.

>his dependence on nasty spit-soaked fidgets

He fidgets because it helps him keep attention on whatever bullshit you're trying to sell him on today. Fidgeting aids sustained attention. Also, lots of kids (and many adults) fidget, who gives a shit if he sticks his fingers in his mouth? He's six.

>>18046906
>Applying economics to social situations on /adv/

One, you know nothing about economics. Two, you're a sperglord trying to generate more broken sperglords for this world. Go back to school, Adam Lanza.

this is why having children is morally wrong, you're always rolling the dice that something like this will happen and they have a shit life

Kill him and sell his organs.

Use the funds to have another kid, and/or augment yourself with new organs.

Part of me feels bad for you, Op but the other part thinks you got what you deserved.

My parents both had OCD in their family - dad had a parent and some aunts with psychosis as well.

Despite this, they chose to have me. They brought me into this world without giving a single fuck about how they were condeming a sentient being to a life of mental misery. All because "muh nuclear family" bullshit.

Mentally ill and developmentally challenged people should not reproduce - it just brings more misery into the world. Thrn you bitch about how 'hard' it is on you.

Your kid probably suffers more pointed frustration with his world than you do. You can walk away from him but he has to live in his fucking diseased head forever.

>>18045436
Like HOW autistic is he? Does he have low intelligence too?
Try to raise him to be as normal as possible if that is not the case. If you give him up to some institution he'll be needy the rest of his life. There are tough times ahead I'm sure, but he will eventually land on his feet and find his fulfillment in life. Don't pander to his every whim too. Treat him like a normal kid.

>>18045713
You must be a man. Maternal instincts my ass. If you have a retarded child your initial instinct is to put the bastard out of his misery. No one breeds because they want a useless thing that can't function independently and will take up the rest of your life.

OP, I feel you. My brother is autistic and honestly, seeing how awful he and other spergfucks are keeps me from ever wanting kids. I shouldn't have to come home from work to give 110% to some godawful spawn that is never happy.

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came here to poast this

>>18045436
Sell him. It is probably not as hard as you think. I'm sure there are plenty of people in asia,africa or the middle east willing to make him a child soldier. Hey, money is money.

>>18047154
This, the way that we don't euthanize the undesirables is the true crime.

>>18045436
Give the child up for adoption NOW.
You may think that you'all be able to keep your shit together until he'a old enough to move out, but it will have a permanent effect on him. This is the kind of shit that causes people to develop in to serial killers. If you give him up for adoption now, he still could get adopted by some couple who specifically feels called to help kids with disabilities.

Wait any longer and he'll never have a chance at happiness

>>18045436
I feel sorry for you. That's fucking terrible. Thank god I'm gay tho. :^)

>>18047192
What made you choose to be gay?

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>>18047205
>chose
i didn't chose the gay life. it chose me. stay mad tho, lmfao

You either have a sudden change of heart or you give him to adoption.
Shame it happened to you, but it's only going to get worse with time and you know it.
Just decide which one it is.

>>18047209
Judith butler would disagree with you

>>18045513
/thread

>>18047172
Are you retarded? Who the fuck would take the time to buy a kid with parents from a first world country when there'd be tons of orphans in their own third-world shithole?

>>18045436
>make reasonable thread on a website full of literal aspies and autists
>replies are largely autists being mad
This is great OP, thanks. It's not like you can change how you feel, no amount of guilt tripping by you autists replying can change that. It just invokes false care, born out of shame, the shame in turn born out of social pressure. Which OP (hopefully) isn't ascribing to.

You say you have a specialist and a husband. Do you need to sacrifice much to occasionally assist in managing him? You could just distance yourself from him and leave the bulk of it on them.

>>18045436
Take advantage of the system get him out and about with social workers and get some time for yourself. alternate between modafinil and valium in moderation and it'll much easier to stay positive! Your not alone!

>>18045436
Hey, I worked under ABA therapists for about 4 years now working with children with Autism.

You are doing so right in having a specialist.

I have worked very severe cases with parents feeling the same amount of frustration as you are.

Not to get too specific, I worked cases where children tantrum over their parents not doing certain repetitive things. I currently have one child who violently tantrums if her mother does not wear make up or clothing she likes. I had another child who tantrumed over his mother watching certain tv shows.


While working these cases, we learned a lot of these specific behaviors are about control. These were really tough cases and rather rare from all that I have seen.

It's okay to be frustrated, but don't give in or give up. Behavior therapy WORKS. Your child will get better and it will get easier. I also highly recommend you and your husband look into ABA (applied behavior analysis) so that you, too, can understand why the specialist recommends what she does.

Hang in there. It's not easy, but it will help in the long run.